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Author Topic: Sister and Mother both have uBPD. My mind is spinning  (Read 403 times)
SunniDoe

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« on: July 15, 2018, 11:05:40 PM »

After years of my own therapy, I'm just coming to the realization (thanks to my therapist) that both my mother and sister most likely have an uBPD.  My mind is spinning a bit with this new information and I'm having a hard time assimilating it into my everyday life.  I recognize I'm just at the beginning of the process of grieving for two relationships that may never be what I hoped for.  I'd like to eventually get to a place of acceptance and compassion, but am a bit stuck.  After a lifetime of putting my own needs and friendships and relationships aside, I'm struggling to find compassion for two people who have chosen not to get treatment and not to acknowledge that there are some significant issues with their own behavior.  I often feel like I am made out to be "the horrible one" in our family dynamic because I've set boundaries and am consistently reinforcing them.  We have a very small family and there isn't anyone else who is open to talking realistically about this.  All of my other family members continue to accommodate their behavior in order to keep things running smoothly.  

It's exhausting.  I'm exhausted.  We have two small children and I am focused on raising them in the most healthy way possible, which leaves little time to deal with the tantrums and limit testing from my sister and mother.  I often feel like their punching bag.  I've considered cutting ties with them, but know it would hurt them deeply.  In a way, I feel like I'm also accommodating their behavior on some level so that I don't hurt them.  

I think the part I am struggling the most with is recognizing that this is a mental illness, and truly understanding what that fully means, but also still wondering how much of the behavior, manipulation and lies are a choice- and the frustration and anger that comes along with continually having to monitor and establish new boundaries while being unable to have a meaningful relationship with either one of them.  Has anyone else been here?
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Learning2Thrive
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« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2018, 11:41:06 PM »

  Hello SunniDoe and welcome!

Yes, I sure have been there. I get it and I think you will discover that many of the members of this board have been on the receiving end of many of the behaviors you have described.

Are you familiar with FOG? That’s Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

There’s a great article that really helped me here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Does that resonate with you at all?  

I look forward to learning more about you. We’re here for you to listen and support you.
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Harri
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« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2018, 12:15:31 AM »

   Let me join Learning2Thrive in welcoming you to the board!

You have landed in the best place if you are looking for people who understand and can support you as you try to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your mother and sister.

It is hard to try to absorb all the information about BPD.  Even harder is to wrap your mind around the fact that they have been this way all your life.  Give yourself some time.  Your whole perspective on them and your relationship with them has just changed.  

I too came from a very small family.  We were pretty isolated and when I learned about BPD as a possible diagnosis for my mother, I was stunned, relieved, angry, hurt.  My father and brother remained tied to her and saw me as being the trouble maker (well, I always was the trouble maker) and did their best to try to get me to go back to my regular role in the family.  It was hard.  What helped me was to focus on me and to understand that I was just like them before I found out.  Chances are if my brother were the one to break away rather than me, I too would have done my best to get him back in line.  I am not saying your other family members are right because they are not if they are trying to change who you are.  I am just sharing a perspective that helped me not to hurt so much.   I still got frustrated though.  And angry.  But I had to put boundaries on my relationship with them too.

Anyway, enough about me.  What would you say is the most troublesome behavior from your mother and sister?  What would you most like to learn about the disorder?  The article Learning2Thrive gave you is excellent.  We have many more that we can direct you towards as you share more of your story.

I am going to end this by again saying I am glad you found us.  As exhausted and as hard as it is to absorb all of this, things do get better.  Take things slow as it is easy to get overwhelmed but try to read and post when you feel up to it.  :)on't underestimate the benefit of posting in a community like ours especially when you combine it with therapy.

Take care and I hope to talk more with you soon.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2018, 02:00:08 AM »

I think the part I am struggling the most with is recognizing that this is a mental illness... .still wondering how much of the behavior, manipulation and lies are a choice.
Hey SunniDoe,

I would like to join Harri in welcoming you to the forum. If you have recently realise a BPD diagnosis, I’m not surprised you are taken aback. The epiphany is a lot to take on at once. I also had two relative with a PD, double trouble. You asked how much of the behaviour is choice. I have a NPD bro, and with NPD most of it is planned, as they are more settle in the fantasy thinking and have stronger denial. With BPD, as the name borderline suggests, they keep getting glimpses of reality and plan less. But I can see with my BPD mom, she plans but not as much. But much of her behaviour is impulsive. But either way the NPD and BPD behaviours are meant. I guess this links to how can we forgive. I think accepting it’s a mental health issue, helps with the forgiveness. You deserved a sister and mother, in the terms we define a mother and sister, and you didn’t get these. Have you grieved the loss of these relationships yet?  
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
zachira
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« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2018, 10:48:44 AM »

I can imagine how your mind is spinning upon realizing you have a sister and mother with BPD. My mom has full blown BPD and my siblings have strong BPD traits. I too am blamed when things don't go the way the person with BPD would like and am exhausted always being the scapegoat. I came to the realization that BPD was the problem in late 2017 and this was after years of therapy. I also am not able to go completely no contact with them.
I was really overwhelmed in November 2017 when I figured out that my mother and two siblings have BPD. I spent several months severely distressed while continuing to see my therapist. In May, the cloud started to lift, and now I am in some ways happier in my life than I have ever been. The keys for me have been: 1) Sitting quietly with my feelings. I can't tell you how many times I just sat down and let myself cry. 2) Working on loving myself for who I am and not needing as much the validation from my BPD family members. I think the improvement in my self esteem is what has really led to me suddenly feeling more self assured and happier than ever. 3) Setting strict boundaries with family members. My mom calls and I politely excuse myself after a couple of minutes, as she is always raging about something.
I hope I have not talked too much about myself. What I want to most convey to you is that their is hope for feeling better and having a relationship that is more on your terms with your mom and sister. Do keep us posted and let us know how we can help. We all have our good days and bad days with our BPD family members, and I find it helps to share with members on this Board the good things that are happening, my progress, and also just the overwhelming feelings which come and go of the frustrations and pain of dealing with BPD family members. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.
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SunniDoe

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« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2018, 10:44:54 PM »

Thank you all for your posts.  It helps to know that so many of you are out there and have had similar experiences.  Learning2Thrive, I took a look at the article on FOG.  It was very eye opening and I definitely saw some patterns that fit with my family.  My mother's two preferred methods for controlling behavior are obligation and guilt. 

I feel like I have more of a handle and acceptance around the idea of my mother and sister having BPD.  I have known for a long time that there was something happening mental health wise with my mom, but didn't have a name for it.  I don't think I saw it in my sister because for many years I had little contact with her.  When we began to form a relationship again, she idealized me, and although this was awkward at times, I didn't see the same patterns as with my mom.  It wasn't until I had children and they started taking some of the focus off of my sister, that I then flipped in her perspective from being idealized by her to being a horrible person.  At the time, I attributed it to an unhealthy romantic relationship she had started.  Now looking back, I think it was her panic over her fear of losing all the attention and focus of our parents.  Growing up, she always competed for the spot light, and most of the time, I let her have it due to her outrageous behavior if she didn't get it. 

Several people have asked if I've grieved the loss of the relationships I hoped to have.  I think I'm starting that now.  I don't think that until this past week, I've been able to fully accept the magnitude and reality that goes along with this diagnosis.  For many years, I had thought "If I could just set boundaries in the right way" or "If I just step aside and make sure either one of their needs are met at all costs" or "If I could just do (fill in the blank) a better way" then they would like me, or our relationships would be smoother.  It hasn't happened, but I kept going back and trying because they were my mother and sister and I felt that the reason things weren't working was that there was something wrong with me.  I hope that I'm able to keep this perspective and acceptance and not fall back in the trap of hoping for some change on their part.  One of the things I'd like to work on now is figuring out how to have a relationship with them and what that looks like.  I'm not at a point where I'm able to show true compassion, and still have anger and resentment to work through.  I'm hopeful I'll get there, but the question is what do things look like, practically speaking, in the meantime.
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Learning2Thrive
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2018, 07:55:30 AM »

Hi SunniDoe  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
For many years, I had thought "If I could just set boundaries in the right way" or "If I just step aside and make sure either one of their needs are met at all costs" or "If I could just do (fill in the blank) a better way" then they would like me, or our relationships would be smoother.  It hasn't happened, but I kept going back and trying because they were my mother and sister and I felt that the reason things weren't working was that there was something wrong with me.  I hope that I'm able to keep this perspective and acceptance and not fall back in the trap of hoping for some change on their part.  

Oh yes, I did this for more than 40 years with my FOO (Family Of Origin).  Oh, there was something wrong with me. But it wasn’t what I thought. I thought if I could only say the right words or do enough FOR THEM they would finally see and love me. But that’s not how it works for them. There will never be enough “fill in the blank” on my part that can fix them.  Then it finally sunk in  Thought. The only person I can change or fix is me.

It was hard to really let go of the hope that I could fix them. One thing that helped stop me was repeating over and over, “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. The only person I can fix is myself. They are adults and they are responsible for themselves, their actions and their choices.”

We have some excellent tools to help you in having more positive communications. They are excellent to use to improve communication in many situations, not just with mentally disordered folks. Here’s the page for ending conflict:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There are also tools for setting boundaries and much more.  There really is hope that things can get better and life can be really good. It takes time and it requires good self care and support. Therapy can be very beneficial. We are not a replacement for therapy, but we can listen and support you and offer tools/resources that really can make a difference.

How are you doing today? I’m sending positive energy, gentle hugs and smiles your way. 

L2T
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Harri
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2018, 11:59:26 AM »

Excerpt
One of the things I'd like to work on now is figuring out how to have a relationship with them and what that looks like.  I'm not at a point where I'm able to show true compassion, and still have anger and resentment to work through.  I'm hopeful I'll get there, but the question is what do things look like, practically speaking, in the meantime.
Strong boundaries.  Gradually developing emotional distance (not indifference) so you are not always interacting from a wounded perspective.  Remembering to put self-care above their emotional needs.

Anger and resentment usually wax and wane.  It is normal and does not mean you are stuck.  As you heal and grow stronger in who you are when you are with them how things look in the present will change.  Sometimes the interactions are angry and sometimes they will not be.  Some people will limit contact while working on the above.  Some choose to go no contact.  Both are tools that can help as long as you are willing to work through your pain and healing while using them. 

Let's figure out what the relationship can look like today in terms of where you are with your thoughts and feelings and then work from there to get to your ultimate goal for the relationship.
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SunniDoe

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« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2018, 11:10:09 PM »

I have a sister and mother with BPD.  As I continue to work through understanding the significance of this diagnosis and how it assimilates into my past and present experiences, some questions continue to float to the surface about my own mental health.  I have been reassured by my therapist that I don't have the characteristics of BPD.  I do wonder, though, how that can be.  Being raised in a household with an absent father, a BPD mother and an older sister who also has BPD, as well as experiencing sexual abuse at a young age, how could I come out of that situation as someone who's able to be relatively grounded?  I have had 20 years of counseling which I'm sure has helped a lot, but there is a question about nature versus nurture combined with a seriously dysfunctional family, and how one can then create a functional life. 

I am concerned about this mainly for my own children, and tend to be hypervigilant in my interactions with them, holding the belief that my early experiences in my FOO have damaged me in a way that I can pass on or do harm to my children without realization.   One of my main goals is to raise healthy children with an understanding of who they are and how to navigate the world in a kind way.  At times I question my ability to do this, wondering if there's something unseen in my interactions with them that is going to seriously damage them and result in a lifetime of counseling for them.  I remember questioning my family's choices and beliefs when I was younger, often being told that my ideas were disrespectful or disloyal, etc. and that the current state of dysfunction was normal and healthy.  I believe they really believed that to some extent.  So it comes down to what if I'm doing the same thing now?
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TheAllBadOne

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« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2018, 05:24:30 PM »

Hey SonniDoe

I just wanted to stop by and let you know you are not alone. I too have an uBPD mother and sister and I can't tell you the hurt this has caused. I had a rough childhood with severe domestic abuse etc etc. I now have 2 kids of my own, a successful business, a great husband and by all accounts, I'm going ok. As are you.

There are some people who have resilience and self awareness and there are some that don't. I feel as though my sister is missing both of these traits and as a result, her mental health has deteriorated. I SO get your feelings of ruining your kids / causing them psychological harm without knowing it. I spent 2 years in therapy before I even decided to have a baby for that very reason. I didn't want to repeat behaviour. The way you are questioning this shows you are putting them and their wellbeing first at every juncture.

I still see a therapist and it does help. It will never erase the hurt though. All I wish is for both of them to get better and to SEE themselves you know? Like really SEE what harm they are causing and how in fact, they are the unstable ones not me. I'm sure you feel the same.

Look after you x
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2018, 06:24:46 PM »

I also have a sister and mother with uBPD. Never been diagnosed but they both fit diagnostic criteria and multiple therapists have independently suggested it. I can totally relate to feeling like the punching bag. You yourself demonstrate your own FOG by saying that you want to establish boundaries but fear hurting them.

I don’t have children of my own yet but frequently think about the influence my family could have over their upbringing. I want them to have normal lives and have normal behavior modeled for them, and frankly being around my FOO  is always chaotic and hurtful. After many years I personally decided to cut ties w my sister and limit contact with my mom. It is extremely hard to limit contact with people you desperately want a loving relationship with. Especially when you have been the scapegoat or appeaser and feel like setting boundaries in a way is giving up. But at the end of the day you need to protect your mental health, and you need to construct a healthy environment for your kids. I don’t think it will ever be easy for any of us. But I try to remind myself of my goals, and it helps make things easier.
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