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Author Topic: Estrangement, daughter not coming home for Christmas, fear I'm losing her  (Read 643 times)
Setanta
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« on: August 28, 2018, 09:44:30 AM »

Hello
 This is my first post here, although I have thought about joining numerous times. I am not sure what I expect from this. My Daughter was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago.  She is happy with the diagnosis,  she always knew she was different, as did we.

She doesn't rage,  but she is super sensitive and self absorbed.  She lives 3 hours away now in her own apartment and holds down a responsible job.  But all her friends suffer from chronic illnesses, some more than others.  I feel she is mirroring them and identifying with them unnescessarily.  This weekend she told me she was thinkiing about not coming home for Christmas.  I was so hurt and couldn't hide it.  She was obviously shocked at my reaction.  She tried to reassure me that she had somewhere else to go.  She was oblivious to what I might feel.  I get the sense she has been discussing what difficult parents she has with others and may have decided to keep us at a distance and possibly become estranged.  She had a lovely weeks holiday with my husband, her father last month.  She was hospitalised with appendicitis recently and her sister rushed to be with her.  None of this counts for anything.  She still remembers past hurts and slights for which she will never forgive us.  Another person would be making jokes about these small things now.  I feel she is very lacking in emotional intelligence.  and I could lose her so easily.  I am walking on eggshells.

I told her if she doesn't come home for Christmas, I will be very hurt and I hope she will come.

I will try not to bring it up again for a month.  Hopefully, by then she will have spoken to her therapist and he will give her good advice.  I don't know him, but when she tells me things he has said, it always sounds sensible.

I really don't want to lose her.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Feeling Better
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« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2018, 10:35:36 AM »

Hello Setanta

I would like to welcome you here where you will find lots of help and support

You say that your daughter told you that she is thinking of not coming home for Christmas, does she mean the whole of the Christmas period or is there some room for movement there? I do understand how hurtful it is when our adult children express these kind of wishes. My uBPD son has rarely spent Christmas with us and now that he is NC, not at all. I remember feeling terrified in the run up to my son becoming estranged and completely powerless. I had only just heard of BPD at that time and I found this site almost a year later. You are in a much better position than I was, you are not yet estranged and you have access to loads of support here. There are TOOLS and LESSONS to be found on the right  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) these will help you to communicate better with your daughter and to support her.

May I ask how old is your daughter?

I do understand the hurt and fears that you are feeling and I look forward to hearing more from you x 
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2018, 10:44:50 AM »

Hi Setanta,
I'm so sorry that your daughter is thinking about not joining you for Christmas. It's good that she's keeping in touch with you, your husband and her sister. And it's also very positive that she's holding down a good job. Please take a look at the sidebar to the right of this page and do some reading here and post more of your story.

I know you're worried, and what you can learn here will help you strengthen the lines of communication between you and your daughter.   

Cat
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
wendydarling
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« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2018, 12:50:24 PM »

Hello Senanta  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Welcome to you. I'm glad you decided to take the plunge and join us, it's good to talk, receive and provide support to others. I also followed for about 6 months, using the great resources, it was only when I took the big plunge like you have that I started to personally benefit, and through the changes I made, my daughter too. At the time I joined we were in a dire place, parents here supported me turning the corner. You are worried, it sounds like you've been through a lot with your daughter, and you've good understanding of her disorder.

She doesn't rage,  but she is super sensitive and self absorbed.  She lives 3 hours away now in her own apartment and holds down a responsible job.  But all her friends suffer from chronic illnesses, some more than others.  I feel she is mirroring them and identifying with them unnescessarily.  This weekend she told me she was thinkiing about not coming home for Christmas.  I was so hurt and couldn't hide it.  She was obviously shocked at my reaction.  She tried to reassure me that she had somewhere else to go.  She was oblivious to what I might feel.  I get the sense she has been discussing what difficult parents she has with others and may have decided to keep us at a distance and possibly become estranged.  She had a lovely weeks holiday with my husband, her father last month.  ……... .She still remembers past hurts and slights for which she will never forgive us.

My daughter sounds similar to your daughter, DD does not rage, is sensitive, very thoughtful of others, held a responsible job, accepts her diagnosis, knew she was always different, engaged with treatment, has many friends who understand and accept her disorder and are there for her to help her, night and day. Some with mental health issues, others not.

My DD is also absorbed, I believe it's one of her many strengths, that helps her path to cope with her BPD, her path to recovery.

I understand you'll feel hurt if your daughter does not come home for Christmas, I recall my non BPD Mum did the first time I wanted, needed to be independent. In time we worked it out, always catching up sometime during the Christmas, New Year holiday period, as Feeling Better asks is there any room for movement, flexibilty? My sensitive DD30 feels super guilty when not spending Christmas with me, I reassure her it is ok, she needs to hear that.

You say your daughter lacks emotional intelligence, can you share what you mean, examples, it's a topic often shared, discussed here, with BPD often being co-morbid it can be complex... .

WDx  
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Setanta
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2018, 02:54:32 PM »

thank you all so much for responding.
I have been doing some reading here and I feel there is some projection going on on her side.  My daughter is almost 25, and I have always felt part of her BPD is a slow maturation,  so she is probably more emotionally like a 16/17 year old.  She wants to think we are unreasonable parents, and truthfully I don't think we are.

Now she is slow to respond to texts and emails, and too busy to call/chat.  Yet she lives alone and I know she spends most evening alone.  I know she needs space to recover from the day but still its new this level of distance.  Its my birthday in a couple of weeks and she has agreed to come home.  She took a bit of persuading.  Its not a big affair, we will just the 3 of us go for a meal.  But I was so afraid she had cut us off  already.  I will try to talk to her when she's home and will do lots of reading here first.  She tends to talk at me rather than to me, so I need to find a way to reach her.  I will see if she can contemplate coming at all for Christmas.  even if she stayed in her room and just joined us for dinner on the day.  But I have worked so hard at not 'walking on eggshells' .  This feels like a backward step. She finds the house stressful.  but then she makes it stressful for everyone and can't see her part in it.  I guess thats what I mean by lacks emotional intelligence.  She hates to be treated as a child,  but draws us all in to treating her as one.  If you contract or disagree, she becomes so stressed,.  When she lived at home I felt there was time for dealing with these emotions.  She basically trusted that I was on her side.  Home was her safe haven.  Now we see her so rarely its hard to confront her for fear of her rejecting us. 

I guess we have entered a new phase.  To me she seems to be going backward.  I think the counsellor she had at university was really good.  She has a new person now since she moved, but I am not sure how much he understands BPD.  I feel living on her own isn't good for her.  We all need others to knock the corners off us. Honestly, I am glad she doesn't live here full time anymore so that I don't have to be constantly trying to manage myself and her.  And sometimes I am exhausted by her.  But I can't give up and I don't want her to give up on me and her dad and sister either.

thanks again.  I didn't realise how much I needed to vent.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2018, 09:28:20 AM »

Hi Setanta

It's a safe place to vent!

My daughter is almost 25, and I have always felt part of her BPD is a slow maturation,  so she is probably more emotionally like a 16/17 year old.  She wants to think we are unreasonable parents, and truthfully I don't think we are.

It's hard, your daughter is an independent adult, she's expecting to be treated that way, though she's emotionally like a 16/17yr old, trying to detach as they do at that age must feel very confusing for you, understanding our children's emotional limitations helps.

This new level of distance, how often are you in touch? Have you considered suggesting a weekly call, might she be open to that, some kind of structure sometimes can help.

I'm glad your daughter is coming home for your birthday an opportunity to connect. Are you familiar with validation?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
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