When I got home, my family was gone | Part 6

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone, long time no talk ;) Sorry about that. I really don’t know where the time has gone... .

For anyone who is new, just a brief recap - 18 year relationship, 15 year marriage, and now almost 5 months separated on our way to divorce. STBXw is uBPD / uNPD and our first couple of months in the divorce process was very typical - a lot of false accusations of abuse and neglect. With the help of a very good and expensive lawyer, I managed to pull together a great rebuttle. As for the details of the relationship, I’ll leave you to read back yourself. But let’s just say it was very hard and I feel a LOT better outside of it than I ever felt inside.

So, the new news. Oh wait, there is none  - It’s been almost 3 months since we requested temporary orders but so far, no response from the judge. Over the summer I managed to negotiate one day a week overnight time and every other weekend. I had requested 2 and she is requesting zero. However, with our D5 now starting Kindergarten, STBX is saying she’ll not agree voluntarily to overnights during the week. That’s left me with limited options, considering the judge has refused to rule on temporary orders yet. There’s no reason to expect she won’t - at the hearing she said she would - but the question of when has been a real problem. Both my attorney and STBX attorney have asked repeatedly for a status and so far nothing.

I also mentioned before that I had reconnected with a high school friend and we found some mutual attraction. This was in May. She lives a few hundred miles away, unfortunately, and so we’ve only met up a couple of times. She had told me she was ready to file for divorce, but recently she’s said she’s not sure how or when she’ll do that. I did end up falling for her in the few months we’ve talked, and I can say I do love her. Tonight I told her I was committed to seeing things through, but I understood she needed to think things through. It’s hard to keep my distance from something I’d REALLY like to happen, but I am taking this as a really good lesson in how NOT to jump head first into another potentially codependent relationship. I don’t regret a thing, though, and I especially don’t regret pursuing it and finding out I could fall in love again so easily.

But of course I saved the best update for last - my D5 is doing AMAZINGLY well adjusting to the “new normal.” It’s like a huge weight was lifted from her when we finally separated. You can see she still has lingering anxiety and a few other issues stemming from a very difficult first 4 years of life. I will always regret that and will always go above and beyond to support her. But over this summer she’s grown so much. In fact, just this week she started showing some confidence on the playground that I am so proud of. She’s conquering her fears and growing so fast. I love her more than anything and she knows it. I couldn’t be more proud.

So, that’s the quick update. There’s more, of course, and as things move forward I will keep everyone updated. Thanks again to everyone on this board and all the others. You’ve helped me through so much and i don’t think I’d be anywhere close to where I am without you.

Thanks so much everyone,
-DaddyBear77 When I got home, my family was gone | Part 1
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 2
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 3
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 4
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 5
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 6

[DaddyBear77]

Hey everyone, long time no talk ;) Sorry about that. I really don’t know where the time has gone... .

For anyone who is new, just a brief recap - 18 year relationship, 15 year marriage, and now almost 5 months separated on our way to divorce. STBXw is uBPD / uNPD and our first couple of months in the divorce process was very typical - a lot of false accusations of abuse and neglect. With the help of a very good and expensive lawyer, I managed to pull together a great rebuttle. As for the details of the relationship, I’ll leave you to read back yourself. But let’s just say it was very hard and I feel a LOT better outside of it than I ever felt inside.

So, the new news. Oh wait, there is none  - It’s been almost 3 months since we requested temporary orders but so far, no response from the judge. Over the summer I managed to negotiate one day a week overnight time and every other weekend. I had requested 2 and she is requesting zero. However, with our D5 now starting Kindergarten, STBX is saying she’ll not agree voluntarily to overnights during the week. That’s left me with limited options, considering the judge has refused to rule on temporary orders yet. There’s no reason to expect she won’t - at the hearing she said she would - but the question of when has been a real problem. Both my attorney and STBX attorney have asked repeatedly for a status and so far nothing.

I also mentioned before that I had reconnected with a high school friend and we found some mutual attraction. This was in May. She lives a few hundred miles away, unfortunately, and so we’ve only met up a couple of times. She had told me she was ready to file for divorce, but recently she’s said she’s not sure how or when she’ll do that. I did end up falling for her in the few months we’ve talked, and I can say I do love her. Tonight I told her I was committed to seeing things through, but I understood she needed to think things through. It’s hard to keep my distance from something I’d REALLY like to happen, but I am taking this as a really good lesson in how NOT to jump head first into another potentially codependent relationship. I don’t regret a thing, though, and I especially don’t regret pursuing it and finding out I could fall in love again so easily.

But of course I saved the best update for last - my D5 is doing AMAZINGLY well adjusting to the “new normal.” It’s like a huge weight was lifted from her when we finally separated. You can see she still has lingering anxiety and a few other issues stemming from a very difficult first 4 years of life. I will always regret that and will always go above and beyond to support her. But over this summer she’s grown so much. In fact, just this week she started showing some confidence on the playground that I am so proud of. She’s conquering her fears and growing so fast. I love her more than anything and she knows it. I couldn’t be more proud.

So, that’s the quick update. There’s more, of course, and as things move forward I will keep everyone updated. Thanks again to everyone on this board and all the others. You’ve helped me through so much and i don’t think I’d be anywhere close to where I am without you.

Thanks so much everyone,
-DaddyBear77 When I got home, my family was gone | Part 1
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 2
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 3
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 4
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 5
When I got home, my family was gone | Part 6

[pearlsw]

Hi DaddyBear,

Thanks for the update! Glad to hear there is a least a bit of good news in what is otherwise a big struggle - that your daughter is adjusting and doing so well. That is just super! These kinds of legal battles are so big. As an innocent bystander to someone else's divorce/custody battle I've seen up close what a nightmare it can be. Breathe deeply and don't miss the small joys (good times with your daughter, anything) sprinkled along the way!

wishing you the best, and sending big hugs, pearl.   

[Radcliff]

Hey DB, great to hear from you!

What is your living arrangement?  Are you in the same house still, or separate residences?

I'm glad to hear your daughter is doing so well!

RC

[Mutt]

Hi DaddyBear77,

It's not to hear from you, I'm glad that you decided to drop in. It sounds like you had some fun and the time by yourself has done you some good it probably feels like a long deserved break. I'm sorry that things led you to a divorce, I am happy to hear that D5 is adjusting to the new schedule.

Over the summer I managed to negotiate one day a week overnight time and every other weekend. I had requested 2 and she is requesting zero. However, with our D5 now starting Kindergarten, STBX is saying she’ll not agree voluntarily to overnights during the week.

Is there a chance that you can get full custody of D5?

[spero]

Hi there DaddyBear77,

Its really good to hear from you. You've got so many things to process over these few months. Its good to hear your daughter is beginning a new phase in life as well. Hope she adjusts well in kindergarten. How are you keeping personally? Are you still managing well having all these processes to sort out with the divorce settlement etc?

Takecare,
Spero

[flourdust]

Just jumping in to say hi. 

The delay on getting orders from the judge is frustrating. Has your lawyer put any calls in to get an ETA?

[Skip]

So, the new news. Oh wait, there is none  - It’s been almost 3 months since we requested temporary orders but so far, no response from the judge.

Are you working the discovery? Any attempts at mediation?

Over the summer I managed to negotiate one day a week overnight time and every other weekend. I had requested 2 and she is requesting zero.

So you are requesting 60/40 and she wants 70/30? Have you talked about adding 4 weeks in the summer (50/50)?

She had told me she was ready to file for divorce, but recently she’s said she’s not sure how or when she’ll do that. I did end up falling for her in the few months we’ve talked, and I can say I do love her.

Be careful with this. Being single (soon) and dating is very different world. Slipping from a marriage into an affair does shields you from that growth and healing you need  to do to be in the single world and find a long term partner. What I'm saying, simply, is that investing your recovery in a long distance relationship with a married women trying to sort out her marriage conflict could extend your divorce recovery by years. This is not a comment about your school friend, just a general comment.

Are you getting support anywhere? Divorce recovery group?

[ForeverDad]

In most cases you can get a temp order soon after filing for divorce.  Okay, 'soon' is a relative word.  For me it was about two months after the initial filing.

How long does it take to get a temp order in your county?  How has the lawyer been requesting a temp order?  Was it verbally without any paperwork for you to track and document?  If that is the case, perhaps your lawyer ought to file paperwork, a motion or petition, asking for a temp order based on mother unilaterally changing the existing pattern without your agreement.

Another thought... .Is she willing to let you have midweek evenings?  As long as you still say overnight (even if stbEx says evening or whatever) then once the child is in your care — AND without any court order stating otherwise — then possession is 9/10 the law.  I know, that sucks.  She could call the police and create a scene in front of your home.  But the police likely would not have anything to enforce.  They would probably turn to you and beg or pressure you to send the child back to her mother.  However, you could hold your stance as Father, without orders yet, state you are following the pattern you parents have been following for __ months and will deliver the child to her school in the morning.  (In my area the police pleaded with me to hand son over to mother who had refused to come to 'my' daycare at exchange time but I politely declined and all the officer did was tell us to resolve (fix) it in court.  My son was inside, I think a first grader, he was not put in the middle and he was fine with staying with me.  She got him after school the next day because it was now her series of days.)

Of course, that could ramp up the conflict, she might refuse any further weekday visits.  Then your recourse would be for your lawyer to file a motion for a temp order in your favor because Mother is blocking your parenting by unilaterally changing the existing pattern in her favor without your agreement.  That may get the judge to do something.  It also would be a clue to the court that Mother is blocking Father from even minimal visitation.  (She may try to defend her actions by claiming the child is now attending school but really I don't know of any orders that change midweek visits just because the school year is ongoing.  Court shouldn't care about that as long as you get the child to school the next day.)  The problem is that court may ignore that clue and rule for 'standard' Father parenting time, whatever that is in your area.

As Skip wrote, give yourself time to recover.  Rebound relationships have a higher risk of failing.  As the saying goes, recovery is a process, not an event.  At least now you know that later you can find and build a healthy relationship.

[Radcliff]

Hey, DB, how are things going?

RC

[DaddyBear77]

Hey, DB, how are things going?

RC

Hey hey! Guess who's back?  

Thanks for the ping, RC - I've been meaning to come update everyone for a while now, but didn't have much of an update

Until yesterday 

So, here goes... .

For background, over the past 5 months, my STBX and I had negotiated a 5/14 overnight schedule, or essentially a 65/35 plan for custody. It was working out REALLY well, and even though there was one big gap every couple of weeks where my daughter didn't see me, we could easily fill it with FaceTime.

In the request for temporary orders, I had asked for 50/50 custody, which is another reason I was ok with 65/35 in the interim. My STBX had requested what amounts to 75/25, or as others have called it, the "Disney Dad" plan - every other weekend and dinner on Wednesday. I had been told by my attorney that 50/50 was reasonable and that I had clearly demonstrated my ability to follow this plan. I had heard my specific judge speak about 50/50 and how it was what more and more parents were asking for, and she was happy to grant / approve it. So with all this info, I had fully expected to get 50/50 as soon as the orders were given.

Unfortunately, I was not. Not only that, but my STBX was granted HER request in full - so, as of yesterday, I went from 65/35 to "Disney Dad." Not only that, but my STBX was granted the coveted "tie breaker" status - the Parent of Primary Residence as it is called in my state. Needless to say, I was not happy.

So when I spell this out in terms of percentages, I think a lot of people think, well, maybe you can make up for it in some other way. The thing is, part of what I believe as a PARENT is that there should be equal PARENTING time. Meals are great. Talking and enjoying ourselves is great too. It's all quality time. But as a PARENT, I'd like to still give baths while I can, and make lunches once in a while, and drop off and pick up from school. This is the stuff that ALSO goes along with being a parent. So while I guess raw percentages aren't so important, what's important is the schedule and the time of day and time of year things take place. Also very important to my child and her development, I think, is having a good, predictable, balanced time without any long gaps. The "Disney Dad" plan keeps a 7 day stretch in the mix, which, as she gets older might be OK. But for a 5 year old, THAT is FOREVER! And we were struggling with that even with the 65/35 or 5 overnights out of 14 plan.

Anyway, there's some tweaking to do and I've already spoken to my lawyer about it.

The other thing is, we have done NO mediation yet. I'm really not sure why not and so I reached out to my lawyer and tried to figure out why it hasn't happened. We had this "mandatory parenting meeting" where each party goes separately, and they play this emotional video about how you have to be good parents even while divorcing. During that meeting, they said we'd have at least 2 different court appointed mediation sessions, but neither have taken place. So anyway, maybe those will help.

The last thing I'll say is that the financial orders were also given, and those actually WERE in my favor. So that's one thing, but as I said to others, it's no consolation for the loss of parenting time. At least I'll have more money now to pay my attorney fees, right?

So that's the update for now. I'll be sticking around and getting more involved here again, so I promise to give more timely updates in the future ;-)

~DB

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so sorry about the loss of parenting time.  Was there any indication why the judge changed it in xW's favor?  It seems odd, if the temporary schedule was working, to make a change like that.

[takingandsending]

Agree with worriedStepmom. Courts usually like status quo. Has you L given any reason why the judge ruled to change temporary orders?

I am really sorry ... .for you and also for your child. Stuff like this underlies the "marathon, not a sprint", but how incredibly frustrating.

Hurting for you today. Let us know what your L says. I am at the brink of going to court myself, so any insight would help me, too.

[flourdust]

Ouch!

Are these the temporary orders from the judge or a final order?

If temporary, any thoughts about why the judge ruled against you? Did you hold back on providing strong evidence perhaps?

[DaddyBear77]

Ouch!

Are these the temporary orders from the judge or a final order?

These are just the temporary orders - it took 5 months to get these. In the weeks between the hearing (June 15) and this Monday (Oct 8), I had negotiated a 5/14 overnight schedule. This order takes that down to 3/14.

If temporary, any thoughts about why the judge ruled against you? Did you hold back on providing strong evidence perhaps?

At this point, there's no indication as to why the judge made her ruling. All the orders were made without prejudice and to be reevaluated at trial. Also, given that the financial aspects were heavily in MY favor, I feel like maybe this was a "compromise" or perhaps it was the judge's discretion. In any case, I don't feel like the judge really took any of the facts or certifications into account.

Stuff like this underlies the "marathon, not a sprint", but how incredibly frustrating.

Totally agreed, takingandsending - there are two rounds of mediation scheduled so there's a chance we could make progress there. I'm still talking with my lawyer back and forth about the right strategy. I'm working with a very busy office, so it takes a day or so to get responses.

It's about 2:30 in the morning where I am, and I JUST now finished the last bit of discovery work, focusing mostly on the financial situation. In terms of evidence that's damaging to my STBX, I submitted quite a bit during the hearing on temporary custody and support. I don't know how much evidence my STBX will have regarding her claims - she had very weak evidence if any at the temporary hearing.

takingandsending I will absolutely share with you and everyone else what I hear this week from my attorney, and I'll also know next week (probably) what my STBX has to throw at me.

Be careful with this. Being single (soon) and dating is very different world. Slipping from a marriage into an affair does shields you from that growth and healing you need  to do to be in the single world and find a long term partner. What I'm saying, simply, is that investing your recovery in a long distance relationship with a married women trying to sort out her marriage conflict could extend your divorce recovery by years. This is not a comment about your school friend, just a general comment.

Are you getting support anywhere? Divorce recovery group?

Skip I wanted to come back and address this point that you made a little while ago.

To be honest and blunt, this affair is still going on in the background. The longer it goes on, the more I come to realize the complications it causes. I think you're right that it's extending my divorce recovery time. The good news is I have a very supportive therapist who I see regularly now. We talk about it often and so far there's no immediate reason to end things. I'm also starting a new group this month so this will add some additional support to my team.

In general, emotionally speaking, I continue to feel infinitely better than I did a year ago, or at any point in the last several years. I'm still not at the point where I'd say "geez, I should have done this years ago" - no, actually, I think I did it exactly the way I needed to do it. I tried hard but I had many failures and things I wish I had done better, all of which I'm able to learn from now.

That's about it for tonight. I'll keep updating as I get more info. Thanks for being here.

[Notwendy]

Hi DB- glad you checked in. I am sorry the custody worked out this way.  I commend you for your commitment to your D and taking a stand for your time with your D. I don't have experience in that area to share but I do think dysfunction doesn't hide well in the long run.

Although you have less time ( and I hope it becomes more) - the relationships between your D and her parents depend much on the parents' emotional maturity and capacity for a relationship. You are who you are, and a BPD mother will parent as who she is. Just as divorce is a marathon, not a sprint, so is parenting.

Being a Disney dad is not just about less time spent, it's basically short, fun time, but being an involved parent is all of it and you are in this for all of it.  You are doing the hands on stuff and you will be there for the tough stuff- the tantrums, the teen age drama years--- the unconditional love even though your child is momentarily melting down stuff. I know you will keep on being the solid, stable and unconditional loving parent in her life. I hope the custody arrangements will lean towards your favor.

[flourdust]

I'm glad it's a temporary order -- you have an opportunity to get a more favorable custody division in the final order or through negotiation.

You may have a judge who is dismissive of much of your evidence (or simply didn't review much of it for the temporary order). Sometimes, expert judgments have more clout than anything else -- such as a court-appointed parenting evaluation.  What does your lawyer think your strategy should be?

[worriedStepmom]

Is your child in school already?  Would it be possible for you to go eat lunch with her there once a week or so, so that neither of you has to go so long without seeing the other?

[ForeverDad]

There are upsides and downsides to temporary orders.  The typical upside is that the court is "less unfair" than the ex.  The typical downside is that these temporary orders are far from temporary.  Our general comment here is that divorces take one to two years, and a few even longer.

Perhaps the judge is giving the mother, often given default preference and deference in Domestic Court, an opportunity to either rise to the occasion or sink to new lows.  However, I'm glad you got to present your side of things.  Was it admitted "on the record"?  My years in court were similar to what others experienced, that court is very reluctant to cast one parent as the winner and the other as the loser.  It figures the conflict and heightened emotions will fade over time and the parents will realize that they had better let go of their blaming and start cooperating.  That doesn't work well with these acting-out PD divorces.

My lawyer estimated 7-9 months for the divorce.  It was two weeks shy of TWO YEARS.  Still, court had opportunities to listen to the professionals and adjust the order, two were the court's own social worker and the assigned Custody Evaluator.  Court never changed the order, not one word, all it did was to move on to the next step.

Like the others, I'm a bit surprised and saddened that the court substantially changed the current parenting arrangement since it had been developed with professionals over an extended period of time before heading to court.  I wouldn't have expected that.  Too many dads get stuck with alternate weekends just because they are dads.  And too many dads accept that because of society's perceptions and subtle pressures that those outcomes are 'normal'.

[Skip]

Daddybear?