Trying to process feelings and getting stuck

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

So I still haven't made contact with uBPDh since the incident last Sat.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329199.0

I have slipped and read the texts. I did that because my sister called me and said that uBPDh had called her, and she didn't know how he got her phone number.

I went back and looked at the texts from him and found one that said that my messages were coming through on our joint FB page, and he asked for the password to our FB account (which I don't remember.)

That FB account is linked to my phone number and I used to use it for messenger, but now I have a messenger account set up in just my name, not our joint account.

Not too long ago, when he tried calling me on messenger, he said he was able to view all the phone calls I had made that day.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, because I'm not big on tech stuff, but is it possible that he is able to view my messenger and sms since my number is linked to the joint FB account, even if I use a different messenger? Could that be how he got my sister's number? I did have it where my sms messages showed up in messenger, but I turned that off yesterday just in case.

I don't know how long this no contact will go on. I don't know how long it should
go on. I don't know what the next step is, and I feel stuck. I don't know what to do next. I feel angry, sad, guilty, and scared. I don't know if I am being mean by not communicating at all. I don't know if I would be putting myself under too much pressure if I resumed contact, even attempting low contact, because there is no low contact with him. He wants nothing less than total enmeshment. I want safety for my physical, mental and emotional well being, and for s2 as well.

One of the last texts accused me of silent treatment because I didn't get my way. And that struck a nerve because part of the reason I stopped contact was because I am angry. Angry at being abused yet again.

I don't know where to go from here, and I don't like feeling this way and I don't like not knowing what to do. It feels kind of the same thing I went through when I first left last November, and I went NC for three months.

Eventually I let my feelings get to me, and I resumed contact, and the next thing you know I'm giving, giving, giving again... .and my savings dwindled and my time was being taken up and I was not happy with it. I felt like I was being sucked dry of all the energy I had managed to replenish in the months I went NC. 

And now I feel drained and worn down again, and depression is settling in and I just don't know what to do.

I feel stuck.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi everyone,

So I still haven't made contact with uBPDh since the incident last Sat.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329199.0

I have slipped and read the texts. I did that because my sister called me and said that uBPDh had called her, and she didn't know how he got her phone number.

I went back and looked at the texts from him and found one that said that my messages were coming through on our joint FB page, and he asked for the password to our FB account (which I don't remember.)

That FB account is linked to my phone number and I used to use it for messenger, but now I have a messenger account set up in just my name, not our joint account.

Not too long ago, when he tried calling me on messenger, he said he was able to view all the phone calls I had made that day.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, because I'm not big on tech stuff, but is it possible that he is able to view my messenger and sms since my number is linked to the joint FB account, even if I use a different messenger? Could that be how he got my sister's number? I did have it where my sms messages showed up in messenger, but I turned that off yesterday just in case.

I don't know how long this no contact will go on. I don't know how long it should
go on. I don't know what the next step is, and I feel stuck. I don't know what to do next. I feel angry, sad, guilty, and scared. I don't know if I am being mean by not communicating at all. I don't know if I would be putting myself under too much pressure if I resumed contact, even attempting low contact, because there is no low contact with him. He wants nothing less than total enmeshment. I want safety for my physical, mental and emotional well being, and for s2 as well.

One of the last texts accused me of silent treatment because I didn't get my way. And that struck a nerve because part of the reason I stopped contact was because I am angry. Angry at being abused yet again.

I don't know where to go from here, and I don't like feeling this way and I don't like not knowing what to do. It feels kind of the same thing I went through when I first left last November, and I went NC for three months.

Eventually I let my feelings get to me, and I resumed contact, and the next thing you know I'm giving, giving, giving again... .and my savings dwindled and my time was being taken up and I was not happy with it. I felt like I was being sucked dry of all the energy I had managed to replenish in the months I went NC. 

And now I feel drained and worn down again, and depression is settling in and I just don't know what to do.

I feel stuck.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

It's been nearly a week since you've spoken with him after the incident where he tussled with you as you were leaving. Somehow he found your sister's phone number and called her, so you looked at the texts trying to figure out how he did that.

He's trying to get access to you through social media and you're not sure how secure your phone records are. I'm no good with tech, so I hope someone else can answer your questions here.

At the moment, you feel stuck and you're having a variety of feelings, feeling sad about the direction this relationship has taken, fearful about his behavior, guilty about not communicating with him and angry about how his behavior impacts you and the children.

You're wondering how long you should continue NC, but if you resume LC, you think he'll overwhelm you like he did last year, where he took up all your time and depleted your savings.

Right now you don't have a plan and you're feeling drained, exhausted and depressed.

What are your overarching goals for your children and yourself? If he doesn't seek mental health treatment, what role can you envision that he could have in your son's life in the future?

[formflier]

I applaud you for taking a break.

I would encourage you (because of some practicalities) to move to "LC".

"Hey... .after recent events, I took time to care for my feelings" (don't address this further... .don't ever apologize)

"I will swing by your work tomorrow (or today) and pick up the title.  Is the title at your work?"

Then... only discuss the title.  if he has it somewhere else "Please bring the title to work, I'll be by tomorrow to pick it up.   I won't deal with other issues while you are holding the title."

(notice... .this is very factual stuff... .I realize you are worn out and don't have time for validation... soothing and other gymnastics.)

Big picture:  I'm worried about your temp tags wearing out.  I'm worried about your coolant getting low (please youtube how to check it when the engine is cool)

If he blows off your one day notice for the title... .then I think you are ready to do a threat and then take action about the title.

   

Listen... .you need to cut all ties with technology with him.  We can help you with that.

I'm assuming you are a gmail person.  If not... become one.  get a "hardened" password.  If you are a gmail person... .change your password.

Then get a google voice number.  Play around with it some, especially from the computer (practice texting some of your trusted friends)

Then... .give him that number as the way you will contact him. 

I think you are going to need to eventually change your phone number and/or get a new "real" cell phone number.

I wish I was better on the messenger thing... I'm not a fan of facebook... .so I'm not that tech savvy with it.

Good job protecting yourself... .there are practicalities you need to move forward on.  I hope and pray it is clear to you now... that he isn't going to be reasoned with


FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Cat,

My goals for me and my children involve us living back under the same roof together in a safe and abuse-free environment where drama, mind games and trauma have no place. If he does not get sufficient treatment for mental health and to untangle the ingrained patterns of abusive behavior, I can imagine that he will not be able to contribute to a safe environment for anyone close to him.

I talked to his mother. She said she is afraid for me because of the way he is acting and she said I should get a court order for him to have supervised visits with s2, that don't involve me being alone with him, and I should change my number and move to another county.

She recognizes his behavior as being eerily similar to that of his father, who is now deceased. UBPDh's father continued to stalk and harass his mother after their divorce. He would sit on the hill and watch her house, and sometimes come and bang on the door in the middle of the night demanding to know what man was over there. He assaulted her after the divorce. That may have been the time he broke her eye socket, when she had to have surgery. He also used the children as a means to further harm her, as he fought her for custody in the divorce claiming that she was financially unable to care for them, and since his extensive criminal history prevented him from having a chance at custody, he enlisted his parents to fight for the children and they were awarded custody. That is why uBPDh was raised by his grandparents. It took over ten years for his mother to get her oldest two back, and she never got custody back of uBPDh.

MIL said uBPDh considers me and s2 to be possessions, not people.

FF,

I did text about the title, so I guess I technically was not complete NC. However, I backed out of going by to get it yesterday) not that I expected him to have it at work or give it to me. I had a severe anxiety attack at the thought of interacting with him face to face. That is another reason I feel stuck- I feel like I am allowing him to intimidate me again, and I have all this fear and anxiety surfacing from the trauma of what I experienced before.

Also-

I pulled out the copy of my protective order to read it again. I had selected the option to allow contact when I applied for it, because of s2. In reading it again, I noticed that there is a stamp on the second page that says NO CONTACT. I didn't notice it when I got the copy of it some months ago. So now I don't know if that means the judge ordered no contact even though I didn't request it and now I don't know if I am supposed to even contact him at all, because if I go against what the protective order says then it doesn't serve its purpose- to protect me.

I am considering taking the protective order to the dv office downtown, where there are law enforcement and personnel who assist with filing protective orders and asking them to tell me if this means nc or not. If anything were to happen and I had to call police, I don't want them telling me I don't have a leg to stand on if I was allowing contact when the judge ordered no contact.

And yes, I am worried about the tags. My roommate's bf will help me check the coolant, I am sure, or one of the guys I work with, if I can't figure out how to do it by watching the video. UBPDh did fill it up last week before the incident, and he filled up the reserve as well.

He told his mom he is holding the title until I fix the vehicle, because his son is riding in it and he has a right to make sure it is safe. What the crap ever.

Thanks for your help guys,

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Redeemed,
Living with all your children in a safe environment is a very worthy goal and you are taking steps in that direction.    Unfortunately it appears unlikely that he is motivated enough to join you in that objective.

His mother is offering you good advice and she has certainly witnessed the familial pattern and some very undesirable personal consequences.

Your idea of having experienced eyes look at your protective order is a good one. And asking for law enforcement assistance in obtaining your title might be enough motivation for him to surrender it. At this point, he's certainly not wanting to return to jail. And the behavior you experienced last week would likely be enough for him to do so.

This isn't going to be pleasant for you, Redeemed, as you don't want to hurt him in any way. However, he's putting you and your children's future at risk and he seems to have no care nor consideration for anything but his own desires.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

One of the last texts accused me of silent treatment because I didn't get my way. And that struck a nerve because part of the reason I stopped contact was because I am angry. Angry at being abused yet again.

I don't know where to go from here, and I don't like feeling this way and I don't like not knowing what to do. It feels kind of the same thing I went through when I first left last November, and I went NC for three months.

Eventually I let my feelings get to me, and I resumed contact, and the next thing you know I'm giving, giving, giving again... .and my savings dwindled and my time was being taken up and I was not happy with it. I felt like I was being sucked dry of all the energy I had managed to replenish in the months I went NC.  

And now I feel drained and worn down again, and depression is settling in and I just don't know what to do.

I feel stuck.

Redeemed

Redeemed, it is truly ironic how our BPD partners can turn things around and make us look like the crazy one.  My uBPD/uNPD H cycles back and forth.  He can rage at me one evening, withhold affection all night by sleeping on the couch (also silent treatment), then be back in our bed the next night.  I called it "mood swinging" and he shot back that I was bipolar.  

I have found pwBPD have outrageous double standards.  Looking at my FIL (who is, IMO, uNPD), I see just how messed up H is and I feel sorry for him, but that stops when H dysregulates and punches holes in walls or destroys furniture.

In the meantime, please, if you have not already done so--take the MOSAIC test on domestic violence.  Cat Familiar suggested I do this and my results were disturbing.   I also suggest reading the book, "The Gift of Fear."  It discusses the ineffectiveness of restraining orders.

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Most of all, take care of yourself and your loved ones.  

[formflier]

OK... .good on coolant.  Stay on top of that... protect your investment.

Would a friend or roommate go inside the business to get the title?   I understand the face to face part being iffy.

Please don't pay attention to his "reasoning"... it's a hook... .it's hooking you.


Good call on discussing the order with authorities. 

Listen... this title issue is a "dysfunctional too" that he is using on you with great effect.  As a practical matter... .I want to "take that tool away from him"... .or "beat him with it".  Quickly.

Either way it takes away the power.

What would your life be like... .if the title was "solved" one way or the other?

Think back to Skips advice about lost title with the owner "getting you past the drama"?  Now that you have experienced life without taking Skips advice... .what do you think of the advice?

My advice:  If no title in two days... .start using authorities to get the title... .AND start process to do lost title with the seller.  Take away the dysfunctional tool

Never again let him control something like this that you value... .

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

FF,

I was trying to do this without contacting the seller, even though Skip's advice is logically probably the best choice. I have dysfunctional behaviors of my own which influence my decision making, and I am aware of this though I don't always push myself to overcome them.

Reasons why I didn't take the most logical advice yet:

1. I have really bad social anxiety especially with making phone calls, which is weird and lots of people don't understand and sounds silly when I talk about it, but... .as I told my MIL, the thought of calling this (very nice) man and basically telling him that I'm an idiot for trusting this other idiot and now I don't have the perfectly good title he put in the van when he sold it to me just sends me into a wave of anxiety that I am avoiding because that is my dysfunctional response to things that produce anxiety. 

2. I was hoping that I could just get this title back somehow because that is the quickest route. The seller is in another state, which would require him mailing in the form to the county clerk's office here, then waiting for the title to be mailed to him, then mail it to me. Tags need to be gotten ASAP


I did take a very big step today. I called the director of the domestic violence resource center. This is not the same woman who is over the dv shelter here in town, so I decided to give it a chance and call. HUGE step as I mentioned earlier my anxiety with talking to people. She gave me some great info, and explained more in detail about what the protective order means regarding contact. I told her my fears about not being able to enforce the order if it's stamped NO CONTACT and I was allowing contact. She said if I checked the box on the form to allow contact because of our son, then the NC applies to him, not me- I can allow contact but he cannot attempt to force contact or harass me, and she also said that the incident with him taking my purse and keys out of the car because he was angry that I was leaving when he did not want me to leave is a violation of the order. She also said that the title thing is a violation of the order and that if I want to I can file a report right now that will issue a warrant for his arrest for violating the protective order.

Of course, as you mentioned, Cat, that is not something I want to do or look forward to doing. But I may have to.

I am trying to channel my inner Lioness. I am just so sick and tired of this type of treatment , and I am also frustrated that my response to it is one of fear. All my life I felt fear when people with stronger personalities bullied or intimidated me, and I learned from watching my father verbally abuse my mother that there is a certain powerlessness that comes from being the one who is bullied. That mindset has stuck with me and has greatly influenced my belief system, thought patterns and behavior.

In a fight/flight/freeze situation, I am more naturally inclined to flee or freeze. How do I train myself to fight?

Asking Why,

I did do the Mosaic at Cat's suggestion. My score was 9 out of 10 for risk of harm.

I will look for that book you suggested. I have never heard of it. Protective orders seem to serve more as proof that the victim has taken steps to protect himself/herself more than it is an actual deterrent for offenders to repeat abusive behavior. I mean, if the threat of going to jail for breaking the law in the first place isn't enough for someone to not harm someone else, then obviously that person is lacking in self control and judgment.

Going to check out the Google voice thing now. And change my gmail password.

Thanks everyone,

Redeemed

[formflier]

Hey... .thoughts on 2 days?  Push yourself either way... .either I have the title in my hand... or... .

Thoughts?  One step at a time.

Or... .if it feels better to contact the seller... then do that.  My reticence here is that I suspect (but don't know) that there is a big process here that might delay tags...

You can do this. 

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Redeemed,
I can totally related to the social anxiety. Fortunately I'm no longer plagued with it, but it was a real impediment for a long time in my life.

Like you, I had jobs waiting tables. That was OK because there was a set procedure and I just did that. But on the nights where I had to hostess and greet customers and chat them up (that was expected at one place I worked--trying to have a very personal connection with locals in our small community--ugh--the anxiety and self consciousness that ensued on those nights!)

I guess what finally got me through this was life. I ended up having to do so many things I thought were seemingly impossible that I just got over the self consciousness. And another part was that I just gave up caring if people liked me or not. I figured about 33% of the population would like me, 33% would immediately dislike me without any evidence one way or another, and 33% would just be uninterested in me no matter what.

So I thought those odds were pretty good that one out of three people would find me enjoyable and friendly, so I thought I'd just concentrate on those folks and not care about the rest.

It's great that you contacted the DV director and got some good info about your options.    Think options. That gives you room to move. You may not want to use strategies that are within your rights or you may decide that's appropriate, based upon the circumstances. Information is power. 

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Oh and I bet your inner lioness comes out quickly when you need to defend your child. She's there. You just have to call upon her. 

[empath]

Redeemed,

Good for you for taking the step of calling the dv resource center! You had bad experiences before that make it hard for you to talk to them again. And you pushed through and did it.

One of the things that helped me start making the steps was listening to "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten and "Brave" by Sara Bareilles - and walking.

It's just one step at a time. Stay safe. Sometimes, it helps to think of the children first.

[I Am Redeemed]

I looked up the requirements for filing lost title in my state. It's a long process due to the use of snail mail. If he still lived here, it would be easier.

I like the two days thing. If I were to need to use the threat of filing a report, I am sure he would probably deny that his actions violated it. He has already done mental gymnastics to deny it's validity.

I don't even know why I have such social anxiety. Maybe it comes from being alone so much as a kid. I spent more time reading than interacting with other people. I didn't grow up with neighbors, we lived in the country. I didn't go out to play with other kids every day, and I didn't have other kids in my household. I learned to be quiet and stay out of the way.

I may visit the dv resource center tomorrow for more information. The lady said they would lay out options that I have available and let me make my own choices because I have been controlled by someone else enough. I almost cried when she said that.

Thanks for your support everyone.

Redeemed

[formflier]

Does he listen to his Mom?  You MIL?

How far of a drive would it be to pick her up?

Do you have others (room mate) or other friends that could help... perhaps drive MIL?

I'm trying to figure out a plan that gets someone other than you in front of him to get the title... or help him understand this is a big deal to "steal" the title.


FF

[I Am Redeemed]

FF,

Sometimes he does listen to MIL and sometimes he doesn't. He says that her bitterness and anger towards his father clouds her judgment and keeps her from treating him like a son, because she relates his behavior to his father's (which from every story I have heard from MIL and step-MIL is very, very, similar, though they both claim FIL was worse).

One of his texts did say that he talked to his mother and she told him to give it back, and that I could "bring s2 and pick it up" after he got off work, which would mean at his hotel room, and that situation would no doubt invite a number of things to happen that I would not want.

The thing is, he has said a number of times that he realizes it was wrong to take it, that he would give it back, but every time he has had the chance he has chosen to not return it. I think the pull of having the "dysfunctional control tool" versus "doing the right thing" is too strong for him to resist. He would rather have control (or even the illusion of it) than to do things another way. There is probably a whole disordered pd reason for that on top of the belief system that causes him to feel like he has the right to mistreat or abuse people. Whatever. Not my problem. No title, that's my problem.

I can't think of anyone who would have enough influence to make him give the title back to me, unless maybe his boss. Or a person with a badge. And he is such a master manipulator that he can convince people that he had other intentions for holding on to it than just to use as leverage against me, and he has no doubt started laying that plan out to everyone he works with. Setting me up to look like the crazy, unstable one if I come in there with even a hint of frustration on my face about the stress and trouble he has caused me.

He said he confessed everything he did Sat night to an elder at church, and that he owes me another purse because mine broke when he grabbed it. He didn't say what that elder said about him taking the title to my van. Probably because he left that part out.

His mother said today that she has tried to talk to him but he doesn't get what she is trying to say. Mainly, because it isn't what he wants to hear. He wants someone to agree with his view that Scripture says that the wife and children belong with the husband- apparently, regardless of what the husband has done in the past or the danger that the same behavior could be repeated in the future. Getting better is a process, he says. I guess he doesn't care if his "process" might include "mistakes" that could cause further harm to me.

Have y'all ever seen the movie "Shrek"? Where Lord Farquad is setting up a tournament for the knights to compete in to see who will win the "honor" of embarking on the quest to rescue Princess Fiona- so Lord Farquad can marry her? And he says "some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I am willing to make."

That is the attitude uBPDh has regarding me. He wants his comfort, which is to have me and s2 back. If there is a sacrifice to make, such as me possibly being harmed again due to one of his "mistakes"- well, he's willing to take that chance, because the risk isn't his.

He called his sister after calling his mother. He is searching for someone who will tell him he is right. Anyone who disagrees will be painted black and deemed untrustworthy.

I can't predict what he might do on any given day at any given moment, so I will just play the card of "I'm coming to get the title at your work, bring it with you." Next step, I will explain to his boss exactly why I haven't scheduled the repair or asked him anything further about it- h has title and won't give it back. If that doesn't work, then I will probably call the seller. If he won't help- then the last, most drastic thing is file a report, which will result in uBPDh's arrest.

I could really be spending my time doing so many more things than this. Never ever ever again. He will not get anywhere near anything of mine that has value anymore. I don't care how much he seems to be doing better.

Redeemed

[Panda39]

FF,

I was trying to do this without contacting the seller, even though Skip's advice is logically probably the best choice. I have dysfunctional behaviors of my own which influence my decision making, and I am aware of this though I don't always push myself to overcome them.

Reasons why I didn't take the most logical advice yet:

1. I have really bad social anxiety especially with making phone calls, which is weird and lots of people don't understand and sounds silly when I talk about it, but... .as I told my MIL, the thought of calling this (very nice) man and basically telling him that I'm an idiot for trusting this other idiot and now I don't have the perfectly good title he put in the van when he sold it to me just sends me into a wave of anxiety that I am avoiding because that is my dysfunctional response to things that produce anxiety. 

2. I was hoping that I could just get this title back somehow because that is the quickest route. The seller is in another state, which would require him mailing in the form to the county clerk's office here, then waiting for the title to be mailed to him, then mail it to me. Tags need to be gotten ASAP

Hi Redeemed,

I only occasionally post on the relationship boards, but did want to pop in about the title and tags on the van.

I'm going to be blunt, and say your husband is using the title as a way to engage you in drama, and you are being an active participant.  Can you recognize that what you have written above are excuses? You say you need the tags ASAP yet you are pussy footing around with your husband for the title when you could have gone to the buyer or your DMV or whoever else and already gotten this if not completed at least in process.  Instead you are dancing around in circles making no progress.  It takes two to tango and as long as you keep doing the same dance you will have the same result.

You can not control what he does with his copy of the title, you can only control what you do and your actions.  You can keep chasing him while he waves the title at you or you can take the steps you need to, in order to get your own copy.

Panda39

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm going to be blunt, and say your husband is using the title as a way to engage you in drama, and you are being an active participant.  Can you recognize that what you have written above are excuses? You say you need the tags ASAP yet you are pussy footing around with your husband for the title when you could have gone to the buyer or your DMV or whoever else and already gotten this if not completed at least in process.  Instead you are dancing around in circles making no progress.  It takes two to tango and as long as you keep doing the same dance you will have the same result.

You can not control what he does with his copy of the title, you can only control what you do and your actions.  You can keep chasing him while he waves the title at you or you can take the steps you need to, in order to get your own copy.

Panda39

Yes, Panda, I am painfully aware of this.

Said another way, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."  That's a favorite one quoted in the AA/NA meetings.

I meet with my T next week. I think it's time to go back on my antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. The tendency to avoid and isolate are growing stronger, and I am struggling to concentrate, make decisions and think clearly.

Today is an especially hard day, as it is the four year anniversary of my father's death. My father was a difficult man. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and I believe he suffered from high anxiety and depression years before he was diagnosed with dementia. However, he had a rough start in life himself, as he lost both his parents by age 2. His older brothers and sisters raised him, during the Great Depression. I believe that he loved me the best he knew how, even if he didn't really know how to have healthy relationships with people.
I do miss him.

Redeemed

[formflier]

You can not control what he does with his copy of the title, you can only control what you do and your actions.  You can keep chasing him while he waves the title at you or you can take the steps you need to, in order to get your own copy.
 

Very very good discussion going on about control of others for anyone that happens to pass through this thread.

Also... I think we are really fleshing things out for I Am Redeemed.

Sometimes the points we make on here are simplistic... .overly so sometimes, in order to make a point.  Sometimes I make "over the top examples"... again... to illustrate a point.

So... 100% correct that none of us "control" another.

However we do influence others through our actions, reactions and words (other things as well)

The drama is not so much that he has the title and that I Am Redeemed is chasing it (although that is part)... .it is that it is going "unsolved".

Said another way... .a choice hasn't been forced.

I Am Redeemed can't force him to do anything... .but she can "force a choice".  Yes... hubby deciding to hide and go NC is a choice that she may force (and a bazillion other choices as well).

Then... .we all have the ability to let natural consequences "influence" other people.

The entire point of me giving a two day deadline (the exact time doesn't matter) is that a choice will be forced.

Either there is a title in hand or (police contacted, lost title app submitted, no more contact with hubby... I could go on)

Thoughts?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry, Redeemed! Those anniversary dates can be very painful, but time smoothes them over after some years. Today is the anniversary of my mother's death too. She's been gone 15 years. I think she decided to depart on the last day of summer because she dreaded the cold short days of winter. I know she loved me the best she could and I love her memory--not so much about how she behaved toward me, but the love underneath the dysfunctional behavior--that I know to have been sincere and true.

You're a very intelligent, very strong woman who has been pushed and pulled so hard, but is keeping true to her values. Yes, depression and anxiety can creep in and sometimes it is helpful to get a bit of biochemical support during these difficult times. Few people have gone through the trials by fire that you know so well.

Some years from now, you'll look back at this chapter of your life with a smile and have compassion and admiration for the younger version of yourself, remembering how strong you had to be and how you were tested time and time again and how you stayed on course, no matter how difficult it was.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks Cat

So sorry about your mom. That's a terribly hard thing to go through. You said she "decided"... .I apologize if I have missed this or forgotten, but am I correct that she ended her life?

My mother attempted suicide when I was two. She survived, barely, but she suffered a stroke and permanent brain injury as a result and remained disabled for the rest of her life.

Another reason why I try to stay on top of my own mental health.

Both my parents, I believe, loved me under the dysfunction. However, I do not want to settle for that kind of love with my kids. I want to be the one who breaks the dysfunctional chain in my family. I don't want my kids to have to search for the sincere love underneath. I want it to be unmistakable, clear, expressed often in word and deed.

I don't want to waste all the pain, I want to find the purpose in it.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Oh, major hugs to you, Redeemed    

My mother didn’t commit suicide, though she had contemplated it multiple times when younger. She had a major stroke and lingered until the last day of summer and it was a blessing when she died. She had been lovingly cared for by the nurses at the Transitional unit at the hospital, who were really amazing. One of them told me after she passed that she thought my mom was still there, a bit confused, just having shed her earthly body. They were so kind and respectful, it really helped me deal with her passing.

The more I learn about your story, Redeemed, the more I marvel at your strength and resiliency. You are changing the course of your family destiny in a beautiful positive direction!   

[formflier]

   

Apologies for not mentioning the especially hard day.  I hope you find a way to be extra kind to yourself... .some extra time with S2.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh, I see... .I feel that my mother "decided" to go when she did, four months ago after a two year battle with cancer. I believe she held on until I came to say goodbye. Her breathing slowed just 45 minutes after I left, and she died an hour later.

Really reflective today. Trying to acknowledge the emotions and sit with the, and let them pass.

Thanks FF,

I switched shifts with someone else, so s2 and I will be home together tonight.

Taking a small break from the normal routine today. Finding that helpful.

Redeemed

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Supposed to go get title tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed is there someone who can go with you? Maybe a work colleague?  This would remove the possibility of you finding yourself alone with h.  You are very brave to go to his workplace. I'd be prepared to leave at the first sign of non compliance and move straight to your next step. You are going to see the DV people for your options?

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

I won't be alone with him. Today he is working at the sister store to the shop he usually works at. I know everyone up there and am familiar with it, and all the guys in the shop will be back there with him. Also it isn't as closed off as the other one, it's in the open.

[I Am Redeemed]

Have not found the courage yet to go to the dv center, but I plan to. Going to push myself further because I need more support. They said they can help me with how to deal with him with low contact. I am aware that I am susceptible to letting empathy for him influence me.

He said he calls and texts so much because he is just trying to get me to "recognize" that he is there. He can't stand it if I don't respond to every call or text. I read about pwBPD having no object constancy and sometimes feeling like they don't exist, maybe that's why he does this? I don't understand it.

Said he feels like we were on a deserted island together, and the rescue boat came and I got on it, and he was left. Said he can see the boat and see me looking in his direction but it's not coming back.

Then said he doesn't want me to rescue him.

Said we went through a bad situation together. That's not how I view this at all. There was no "together" in this. I guess he is referring to our kids getting taken away, but I always felt completely alone in that. There was no mutual emotional support there. There was only his pain and his response, and the isolation I felt from his abuse and descent into further madness.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

It's no wonder that you're hesitant after that awful experience some years ago with the previous place, but this DV center sounds like a world apart from that one.

PwBPD have abandonment issues and in his case, likely there's childhood issues that trigger that for him. Still it doesn't sound like he's recognizing how his behavior has impacted your and the children's lives. He may never be capable of handling the guilt and shame and may chalk causality up to external circumstances, rather than looking at himself.

I hope that he finally surrenders YOUR title.   

[I Am Redeemed]

So... .big surprise... .he didn't bring it. Said he didn't think I would show up. Said he promises to give it to me this weekend somehow. I am working all day so now I have to figure out something else that will be safe.

Redeemed

[formflier]

Isn't it time to contact the authorities?

You and I... and everyone else know that "something" will come up this weekend.

Let a consequence move forward... .

FF