Just left unexpectedly

[boogs152]

Help

11 month relationship. Put everything I had into it. We were living together and then out of the blue get a text that he’s left and the keys are in the letter box.


I don’t know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi boogs152 and welcome to the board though I am sorry for what has brought you here.

It is very confusing and painful when someone suddenly drops us like that.  Unfortunately you are not alone in this experience as you will find as you read and post in threads on this board.  At this point I am not sure there is anything you can do other than to take care of yourself.

Can you tell us more?  Does he have a diagnosis of BPD, though it dos not matter if he does not but I assume he has exhibited behaviors prior to leaving that makes you suspect BPD.  is that correct?

Can you share some more so we can help you better?

I hope to hear from you soon.

[boogs152]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes my partner has been formally diagnosed with BPD. Where do I start? My head is spinning sometimes.

We moved to a new town in recent months. He has steadily declined emotionally amd hates where we live. I understand why he hates where we live and I accepted how he felt but it was meant to be a temporary move.
I had a healthcare professional say that he may not be good with changes based on his condition. That he may feel a little out of his depth?Could you perhaps share your opinion on this?

I really try very hard to not define him by BPD because he is much more than that but boy oh boy it certainly feels like BPD dominates our relationship.

[Harri]

Where do I start? My head is spinning sometimes.

You start right where you are.    Just breathe.  We've got ya.

I had a healthcare professional say that he may not be good with changes based on his condition. That he may feel a little out of his depth?Could you perhaps share your opinion on this?

Stress and anxiety can certainly increase the behaviors that can occur.  Is he working?  In a place where he can still reach his old support network (other than just you)?  Is he trying to build a new one?

I really try very hard to not define him by BPD because he is much more than that but boy oh boy it certainly feels like BPD dominates our relationship.

It is good that you do not define him this way but you still need to be aware of his disorder and the fact that since it involves the personality it is a pervasive disorder.  You really can't detach the disorder/  I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that it is a part of him and I think it serves us better to see our loved ones as a whole.  We can do that without letting BPD be his only defining characteristic.  Does that make sense?

[boogs152]

He hasn’t worked for some time. From what I’ve observed and what he has told me that his condition has become more and more debilitating. Could that be correct over time if there is a lack of support?
He appears to have a greater lack of awareness... .of himself as well as the impact it has on others. It’s
Like watching a human being implode on himself and he appears to be barely holding on many occasions.

Where do stand in all of this? I mean to be honest since he left I’ve been enjoying the space and not dealing with tension and negativity. I do love him. What do I do? Wait for him to reach out?
I know that ultimately it’s up to me but given his condition I wish to handle this effectively and mindfully.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

There can be fluctuations in level of function or sometimes they stay steady it is hard to tell for sure.  It could very well be that the new setting and the stress of all that had a huge impact on him.  Is he in treatment?  Is he compliant with it if he is?

Often times when people are dysregulating it is almost impossible to see how their behaviors affect others. 

Where do stand in all of this? I mean to be honest since he left I’ve been enjoying the space and not dealing with tension and negativity. I do love him. What do I do? Wait for him to reach out?
I know that ultimately it’s up to me but given his condition I wish to handle this effectively and mindfully.

I am glad you are finding some peace and are free from tension and negativity for now.  You ask where you stand.  I am unsure.  You have to decide that.  I do think taking time, letting him approach you is the best way to go.  You can't force him to talk to you and if he asked to be left alone, respect his wishes.  In the meantime, use this time for you to assess what you want, what you want out of the relationship if it resumes and learn more about yourself.  We have lots of tools and strategies that can improve communication and apply to any relationship.

I would say to work on building up your own support network as well.  You have us here of course but people in your new town would be nice too.  How are you doing in your new town?

[boogs152]

I understand that you’re busy! It’s okay if you need time to reply!

He’s not in treatment and I believe that he hasn’t really had any consistent help in the past. He’s seeing a psychologist who he likes but I don’t believe that it’s enough. He’s trying to make changes and I believe he wants a better life but he desperately needs focused treatment from what I’ve observed.
I have looked at communication protocol and attempted it many many times but what I find happens is that most of our discussions revolve around him.
I feel angry frustrated and neglected.

[Harri]

Thank you boogs!

It is hard when our pwBPD are not in therapy or do not want it. 

I am going to link an article here that may help you understand more about the disorder and what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.  The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship Having appropriate expectations is very important especially if the person is not in therapy or not compliant with therapy.  It is not easy and often there is no reciprocity.

See what you think about the article and in the meantime I really can't stress enough how important it is to develop a support network of your own starting with us here.  It is all too easy to feel alone and stay in that mindset.  Here you will find people in similar situations who share and really care about each other.  So I hope you jump in and post in other threads.  I have learned so much over the years and found that posting to others helps me as well.  It is easier to figure things out for someone else... .hahaha

Keep posting as you feel the need.  We can help you.

[boogs152]

   
. I’d like to take the opportunity to thank you so much for your help.

My partner with BPD and I share the same doctor. I went to the doctor to ask him some advice on seeking some support for myself regarding my partners struggles with mental illness.
The doctor told me that after meeting my partner on several occasions that he believes him to be at a very high risk of suicide and self harm currently.
I’m naturally concerned and frightened at this time.

My partner and I have been through many things this year with his rapidly changing moods. We also moved to a new town two months ago and my partner hasn’t coped at all. He left unexpectedly and returned to our old town last week and is now likely to be sleeping rough on the streets.

The issue at hand is the doctor mentioning that he believes my partner to be a high suicide risk.

Can you offer me some words or insights on this?
I have only been in this relationship nine months.

[boogs152]

I have since rang my partner to check on his welfare. I asked if he was suicidal at this time and he said that he was a few days ago but not now.
... .this is such a roller coaster.

[Harri]

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

Hi boogs.  The above link is to our Suicide Protocol.  Part of it covers how to talk with someone who is suicidal.  a lot of it is counter intuitive.  It was a learning experience for me when i first read it so I hope you look through it.  Getting him to get help for himself may be difficult if he does not want help.

You are right.  It is a roller coaster and it is emotionally exhausting.  I hate saying the obvious but I will... .taking care of you is equally important at this time.  Accepting that you can't control him or prevent him for living on the streets, from refusing to seek help and are not responsible for his choices is hard but so vital. 

Do you know if your doctor reported him?  Physicians are mandatory reporters. 

Where do you want to go with this relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi boogs152,

I agree with Harri self care is super important when you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster with your partner. It gives you the ebergy to function better. I just let the gym doing strong lifts  5x5 exercise helps me get rid of stress it helps me function more normally and I can tackle pretty well everything without feeling worn out and stressed out. What do you for self care?

[boogs152]

The doctor didn’t mention reporting him.

Self care... .that’s an interesting topic. I try hard to take care of my diet and getting plenty of sleep. I am pretty independent and can do a lot of things on my own like seeing a film or going out for dinner alone  and occasionally do things with other people.

I’m not sure what to say. My headspace is fairly resilient but sometimes I feel numb.
I have had therapy this year which helped. I find that most people don’t understand what I’m going thru and why I would be with someone with such troubles. Even my doctor told me that I’d have a much easier life if I just walked away from him.

[Radcliff]

boogs, I'm sorry for the worries you are facing.  But don't feel bad about feeling good about having some space.  These relationships are tough, and getting space to recharge and find ourselves again can be a healthy thing.  In re-reading your original thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326021.0;all
I see that your partner has lived on the streets before.  Does your country have any residential DBT treatment programs?

When you called him to inquire about his welfare, how did he treat you?  What was the tone of the conversation?

RC

[boogs152]

When you say residential DBT programs what do you mean specifically?
In my country you need to have private health for those types of programs I believe?

When I rang him today he told me that he felt really bad emotionally earlier in the week but was feeling okay now. He seemed interested in how I was and said that it was nice to hear my voice and to talk to me.

[wendydarling]

Hi boogs152

I'd like to join others and offer my support to you, I've popped over from the son/daughter board, my 30 yr daughter suffers from BPD. I'm glad you've heard he is ok, he was able to share with you he was feeling really bad emotionally last week and is feeling ok now. That he was able to enquire how you are and that it was nice to hear your voice maybe an indication he's feeling less overwhelmed and consumed by his emotional state, his crisis. How are you feeling now you've spoken?

RTC are Residential Treatment Centres in the USA. We don't have such in the UK, yes private and also national health system paid through our taxes. How does you health system work, is he paying for the psychologist?

WDx

[boogs152]

Thanks for your kind words.

I’m feeling better since I spoke to him. It’s always the same... .when he feels better... .I feel better... .a sense of relief. I guess that often my moods go with his moods. Hopefully in time and with mindfulness I will get better at maintaining a more grounded state of emotions for myself.


We live in Australia. I’m thinking of navigating the possibility of private health insurance for him. There’s a lot to learn about medical cover. It’s all uncharted territory. I was told that he will get much more appropriate care under private medical cover. I’m not sure if anyone has some advice regarding that? Does anyone know of a reputable residence program in Australia that he could be enrolled in without private health?

He is seeing a psychologist under the mental health scheme. His psychologist bulk bills which means he’s entitled to ten free sessions with a psychologist a year.

[wendydarling]

You're welcome boogs152.

I'm glad you're feeling better having to spoken to him, is a relief. Has he spoken to you of previous treatments he's had, or if he has a desire for further treatment options? Do you think he's open to helping himself further than the sessions he presently attends, if you offered support in him accessing them?

WDx

[Radcliff]

I understand what you mean when you say that your moods tend to reflect his.  When we care about someone with BPD that's hard to avoid, though it's a good goal to lessen the effect.  What does your support system look like?  Do you have close friends?  Activities you pursue that you find rewarding?

RC

[boogs152]

Support network is non existent basically. My mother listens patiently and I appreciate her for that but I’m sure she thinks I’m crazy to stay. I’ve had numerous people tell me to leave and that includes medical professionals.

I’ve booked an appointment to see a DBT therapist to help me find better ways to communicate with my partner but it $200. Expensive.

I think my partner does want a better life he has made changes this year. I can see a more positive future with him if he continues to work on himself.
How do I get him to consider more treatment in the regards of a residencey prgram?

Is there a link somewhere

[boogs152]

I feel sad.


I feel really sad.

[Mutt]

What happened? Why are you feeling sad?

[boogs152]

Nothing happened Mutt. I’m just starting to see the situation for what it really is and not what I’d hoped it to be.

I saw a quote about radical acceptance on this website

[Harri]

Hi boogs.  I think feeling sad is a normal response here.  I am glad you reached out though.   Accepting things as they are is difficult but necessary.  You mentioned radical acceptance.  Are you familiar with it?  We have a couple of articles here if you want to read more about it.  RA is very helpful but is a process and sometimes I do it daily.

Let me know if you want the links to the articles

[Mutt]

I can understand how sad it initially feels when you’re starting to see the bigger picture in your situation all of the things are out of your control. That being said there is an upside to of all that a sense of real strength when you come to terms with what you can control and that’s you.

[boogs152]

I just want him to get better so that I can have my relaxed and happy partner more often. Those moments are fleeting.

I would like to read those articles... .

Thankyou

[boogs152]

I just cry sometimes.


When I give him a hug he doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t respond and there’s nothing to reciprocate. It’s the most horrible feeling. Empty.

I can understand why people may see a partner of BPD as being codependent. It’s like your starving for love sometimes.

Does that make sense

[Harri]

Here you go boogs    : 
Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)
 
POLL: Radical Acceptance - Marsha Linehan PhD This one is much more in depth.

Yes, it makes sense boogs.  It is heartbreaking to see someone you care about hurting so bad and in turn hurting you back.  You are not responsible for his feelings and you can't make him feel whole boogs.  Do you remember the article I gave you on the Do's and Don'ts of a BPD relationship?   Look at it again.  Combine it with radical acceptance and keep reaching out here to us and to others on the board as you process things.

[boogs152]

I remember reading the article. I will look at it again. Thanks for your understanding. I really appreciate it.

I will read the articles.

He is another town now and I respect that he needs time to ground himself even though he hasn’t expressed that. I really just want him to do what he needs to do.

I don’t know where to go from here. I guess it just comes down to space and time doesn’t it?

[boogs152]

I think I’m going to step away from him for the time being. If he wishes to talk then I will keep the topics light. No expectations. What else can I do?