Need Guidance, don’t know how much I can deal with

[Blunoz81]

  hi all,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year now, she has been diagnosed with BPD. I find it hard to deal with as she emotionally breaks me during arguments, she’s constantly starting rows and makes me feel like whatever I say to help a situation isn’t good enough, she threatens to commit suicide quite a lot when I’m in work, she has cheated on me a fair few times while I’ve been in work and tends to not want to talk about how it’s made me feel but would rather move on from the subject the day after, my trust with her is broken understandably, she will make an effort for a few days then goes back to how she is. It’s emotionally breaking me as I do love her but I don’t seem to understand why she would say the vile things she does to me, she has server anxiety and blames me for the fact she doesn’t go out while I’m in work when all I do is encourage her to socialise with family or friends, she tends to isolate herself a lot and blames me for the isolation. Also she hates on our life a lot and tends to make me feel ___ for going out to work.

I really don’t know how much I can deal with as I feel all the effort I put in to helping her isn’t good enough as she doesn’t stick to medication or counciling.

Can anyone help me

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the trouble you're facing, but am glad you've found us.  This is a great place to get support and learn coping techniques.  Tell us a little more about what's going on.  Do you live together?  Does she work?  Is she receiving therapy for her BPD?

RC

[Blunoz81]

I'm sorry for the trouble you're facing, but am glad you've found us.  This is a great place to get support and learn coping techniques.  Tell us a little more about what's going on.  Do you live together?  Does she work?  Is she receiving therapy for her BPD?

RC

Hi,
Thank you for the support, yes we do live together and no she doesn’t work, last night when I was at work as I work nights she got drunk, put herself in harms way and was telling while I couldn’t leave work so left me worrying all night, she tends to do this a lot when I’m in work. She’s not so bothered when I go out with friends, her anxiety makes it so she doesn’t work as she gets social anxiety. I’ve tried getting her to go the gym, go to town with family or even get a mate round so she’s in a small group and doesn’t feel so anxious but she doesn’t do any of them and then she blames me. Her outburst are getting more frequent at the moment, she’s a self harmer so on Monday night she cut herself during an argument because I walked away, I tend to try walk away from arguments or try to calm her and get her to talk to me and have a conversation but then she gets vile and says quite personal things like I’m an emotional abuser, I’m manipulative, she doesn’t fancy me so she doesn’t know why she’s with me, she fancy’s her ex, when I was at work a few weeks ago she brought her ex round to our home and slept with her in our bed, I kicked her out and then she threatened to kill herself so I let her come back. She says I’m negiative and I don’t support her when I always try to be positive and boost her up by telling her she’s beautiful and I’m proud of her when she does take small steps in her anxiety but she says I’m not. I’m constantly trying to bring her up but when she’s constantly saying hurtful things and then says sorry and expects me to just be fine and forget everything it’s hard. She used to have a problem with alcohol so we don’t have it in the house but then she went and brought some last night and got drunk. Then this morning doesn’t have a care in the world for her actions or take responsibility for how she made me feel, my work is effected as I’m a support worker and the amount of sick days I’ve had because she’s telling me I can’t leave her alone but then when I stay she doesn’t want me I’ve lost count! She’s 22 and I’m 30 she doesn’t go to her counciling unless I take her then blames me if she doesn’t go and she’s stop taking her medication. I’m just really at a loss as to how to get through this and I have reacted sometimes during an argument when she has gotten personal and I know I shouldn’t of but it’s hard when your dealing with this every day, I would say she’s got worse not better but blames me and says relationships aren’t for her but then I have to promise not to leave her or hurt her. If you have any advice that would be great. Sorry for the long reply

[Euler2718]

It's relentless, the disease, like you never get a chance to feel safe. Are there any "good" days? I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you're under a really heavy load, I'm sorry to hear that.  It is hard to love someone whose behaviors are not effective, or are self-harming.  I'm also sorry for the pain you feel when she says hurtful things to you.  Many of us have felt that pain as well.  It's definitely good to be talking about this, as these relationships are complicated, and outside perspectives can be helpful.  You say she won't go to counseling unless you take her, yet she blames you when she doesn't go.  I can relate to the frustration you feel that she's not getting the help she needs.  What do you see her role and what do you see your role as when it comes to getting her help?

RC

[Blunoz81]

It sounds like you're under a really heavy load, I'm sorry to hear that.  It is hard to love someone whose behaviors are not effective, or are self-harming.  I'm also sorry for the pain you feel when she says hurtful things to you.  Many of us have felt that pain as well.  It's definitely good to be talking about this, as these relationships are complicated, and outside perspectives can be helpful.  You say she won't go to counseling unless you take her, yet she blames you when she doesn't go.  I can relate to the frustration you feel that she's not getting the help she needs.  What do you see her role and what do you see your role as when it comes to getting her help?

RC

I feel she relies on me quite a lot to do things, be strong and forgive her for the things she does and says, for instance she’s still talking to the girl she cheated on me with even though I’ve asked her not to, I feel like she doesn’t care at all about my feelings and she doesn’t respect me at all or how it makes me feel I’ve told her how I feel regarding the situation and it doesn’t seem to do anything! She makes me feel second best and like I’m just not good enough. It feels like she doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me, when I go to leave her I get “I can’t live without you, don’t leave me, I’m lost without you, I’m sorry, forgive me” it’s a never ending circle! I’m a strong person and I’m always the strong one but her actions and words have broken me and I know it’s hard for her but she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions or how they make others feel, im at a loss of what to do, I keep trying to get help for her and try and give her so coping strategies but lately I’m feeling really under appreciated and like nothing I do or say is good enough and I know it’s hard for her but she’s not helping herself and blames me for her behaviour.

Does anybody else know what I’m going through?

[Radcliff]

Does anybody else know what I’m going through?

What you are describing is very familiar to us.  Many of us came here with huge frustrations as we tried to shape our BPD partner's behavior into something more healthy.  We set ourselves up for failure with this, because we can't control someone else's behavior, only our own.

I asked the question about roles with respect to getting her help because you described a situation where you worked extra hard to get her help, and then she blamed you for the help not working.  If she expects to be taken care of, and doesn't accept responsibility, do you see how you doing extra work for her might actually set you up as a target for her blame if things go wrong, which actually worsens her lack of ownership of her problems?  Does that make sense?

RC

[Blunoz81]

She feels the need at the minute to make me feel like I’m below her and that my knowledge is wrong or that she is better than me and I’m stupid. Saying that I’m embarrassing because I’m hurt and she’s actually mentally abusing me and making me feel like I’m wrong and she’s right and I just want to scream at her because she doesn’t see how her actions and words effect people, but if I did that to her or made her feel like that I’d be the worse person ever! It’s ok for her to make me feel belittled or stupid but when people do that to her it’s the worse thing ever! Apparently I’m embarrassing because I’ve left the situation and come up stairs out of the way because I’m so angry right now!
I just want to cry, I’ve tried so hard to help her and she’s hurtful and heartless to me!

[once removed]

i can certainly relate to being on the receiving end of hurtful words coming my way, and id ask myself (or her) how someone who claimed to love me could say those things. she wouldnt want to talk about it either. she also didnt understand that i needed some space to get back to baseline.

the lessons here include a lot of great tools for surviving confrontation and disrespect: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

a good first step is to learn to take what she says less personally. it takes a lot of strength not to be emotionally injured in a relationship with someone with BPD traits.

now that sounds absurd right, "dont take it personally"? its coming from someone you love, who claims to love you, and what they say is very hurtful.

the truth is, its coming from a place of hurt, and people with traits of this disorder do not manage or communicate their hurts very well, have limited relationship and coping skills. they are also prone to emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, saying over the top things in over the top ways, and projecting their pain onto others. if we climb into the ring with that, it really only fuels it and makes things worse for everyone. im not saying ignore what she says, far from it. i am saying see it for what it is, and dont become reactive or fuel the flames. use the tools.

when things got too heated for me, it usually helped to take a time out. i didnt always go about it in the best way. i might say something like "ill talk to you when you calm down", or id use some choice  words and id ignore her (silent treatment). and shed usually ramp things up, call me or text me, and eventually id take the bait and fire back and wed be right back at it.

but time outs when used maturely, can help a lot in the short and long term. they stop making things worse when theyre about to go too far. they communicate to our partners that we have limits and are willing to draw lines at abusive behavior (someone with BPD traits really needs a partner that can lovingly and consistently set and enforce boundaries). they can be a measure that respects us, respects our partner, respects the relationship.

so when things start going too far, it helps to communicate that you need a time out in an emotionally unloaded and loving, but firm, way. something like (just an example) honey, its hard on us both when we fight like this. i want to talk to you and listen to you. right now im having a hard time doing that, so im going to take some time (half an hour, an hour, whatever) to think about it and cool off, and when we are feeling better, we can talk. personalize and adjust it to your taste/circumstances, but try to keep it emotionally unloaded, loving, but firm, mean it, and follow through. she will almost certainly test it, and ramp things up, so you need to be firm in your commitment. if shes texting, dont read it. if youre together, go for a walk, a drive, have an exit strategy. people with BPD traits often have a strong need for immediate gratification, and theyll use what works to get it (usually in dysfunctional ways). she knows from experience that ramping things up gets you to react. it works. it will take some practice and a lot of consistency on your end for her to learn that it doesnt work, and that theres a better way.

[Blunoz81]

She feels the need to not care about how her actions make me feel or how her actions effect our relationship or me! She actually only thinks about herself really, I know that’s part of her BPD but how can someone who is meant to love me disrespect me so much and not agree that they have? She really only cares about her self and how she feels! She doesn’t care how her actions effect me! As long as she feels ok and has done what she wanted then that’s fine!

We think completely differently, like I try to see her side but she doesn’t even try to see mine! She says she disagrees with how she’s made me feel but if I’d done half the stuff she’s done to me to her i grantee she wouldn’t want anything to do with me! Maybe I make excuses to much and blame her BPD a lot when really I should make her take responsibility for her actions! I love her so much and I’m scared to lose her but why should I be scared to lose someone when they treat me this way?

[once removed]

I love her so much and I’m scared to lose her but why should I be scared to lose someone when they treat me this way?

i can tell you love her (and thats probably why). i can also tell youre in a lot of pain.

no one wants to lose the person they love... .thats a reasonable fear. fears can rule our lives though, if theyre great enough, and if we let them. what we really dont want them to rule is our values, the boundaries that are tied to our values, or overriding the self respect and love we have for ourselves that enables us to make the hard decisions for our mental health and well being.

otherwise, we run the risk of an enmeshed, and dysfunctional relationship based on fear. reach into yourself, and find the courage to shift to a healthier course. yourself, and your relationship.

when really I should make her take responsibility for her actions!

we cant make a person take responsibility for their actions. we can separate ourselves from their actions, be responsible for our own, and sometimes it can be a loving thing not to shield our partners from the consequences of their behavior.

what do you think about the time out stuff? does any of that sound workable for you when things get heated?

[Blunoz81]

I will try the time out stuff, that seems like a good idea as normally when it gets to much I just walk out then that makes things worse, so stating that we need a time out could be a good idea as she’s refusing her medication and counciling at the moment which I know is quite common, and even thought I’m trying to get her help she isn’t listening right now and is getting rather verbally abusive,

Has anybody got any techniques to help her deal with her anger and frustration right now? I’ve tried CBT tactics and some distraction techniques but they don’t seem to last that long

[once removed]

I’ve tried CBT tactics and some distraction techniques but they don’t seem to last that long

what sorts of CBT tactics have you tried? what happens? tell us more.

I will try the time out stuff, that seems like a good idea as normally when it gets to much I just walk out then that makes things worse,

i just want to caution and stress to you a bit that not only can how you approach it make all the difference in the world, but dont expect a sudden, over night change, she may act out in response, this takes consistency and commitment, practice, and time to really take hold, for you and for her. think of it as playing the long game.

[Radcliff]

You are getting good advice from once removed.  I liked his suggestion about maturely taking a time out.  It's a first step in starting to enforce boundaries, which you're going to need to get good at in order to reduce your frustrations and preserve your energy to help both yourself and her.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries.

We understand the pain of BPD relationships.  The double standard you point out, where there are rules for you but not for her, was a particularly painful thing in my relationship.  To understand more about what to expect, take a look at this page on
What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship?

RC