How do I know what he wants ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Friends,


I am struggling in my new relationship. I have a history of abandonment and it's playing up massively.
My boyfriends also has his issues and has avoided relationships almost his whole life.
We both are not so good with relationships, I look for faults in him and for exit strategies (because I am afraid he will leave). He feels he cannot be himself anymore, he's afraid to say something wrong because I will panick. He also needs space - which I am trying to give him, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. He also says that normally without being in a relationship, he's more sweet. He wants to be sweeter to me but says he doesn't know why he's not. I have tried to tell him he's sweet enough as it is, he believes otherwise and feels that 'this is not him', so this means he cannot be himself. In the first month of our relationship he told me something similar. Back then it was 'not being good enough for me', and 'afraid to loose me because he would disappoint me'. I have tried to tell him he's sweet and good enough, it doesn't help. (Well probably the fact that I have been turning every stone, trying to find NPD in him, hasn't helped either)

So, we have had our issues. I always thought this is a bad sign to have those so early on. My therapist however told me that with my past it's normal and problems play out really soon, and things usually calm down later on (or not).

My boyfriend says that since some weeks he has felt miserable about not being himself. But that most of the times he's able to put his negativity aside and is able to just enjoy the time we have together.
Unfortunately since a week or so I have told my boyfriend that I have doubted the relationship, and that I have wanted to leave a few times.

(Yes, I have realized I should stop my exit strategies after I posted here online. A member on here made me realize I was like the little rabbit he describes so well in this post :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329691.msg13009658#msg13009658

I have done my best to not play the rabbit. But now I'm realizing that telling my boyfriend about wanting to leave, is just another way of playing the little rabbit.)


Some days ago ... he said he wasn't sure if he wanted all of this anymore. We talked about it, he said me doubting the relationship was the final drop that made him flip and not be able to put his negativity aside anymore. But that it would have come up anyway. We talked about it some more, I asked 'will you regret breaking up', he said yes, I said, so let's not break up. The night ended with me saying I wanted to give him space, so he  could think things over; but that I couldn't, that it was yes or no with me, and that I regret for him that I couldn't do that for him. After he heard this last thing, he said we'd work it out.

I don't know how I am feeling. What do I believe ? I am thinking about *his* feelings the whole time. If he wants to break up... .why would I stop him ? Why am I being ridiculous, why did I try to persuade him to stay ? I have had a relationship where I pleaded the guy to stay and I felt ridiculous over that. But aren't I doing the same thing here ?

I feel he's pushing and pulling. A friend however told me that I initiated that. She made me realize that me telling him that I have had doubts, is push-pull also. So it's somehow 'playing the little rabit', just in a different way. She asked me if this was my way of trying to be in control... .I am ashamed to say yes. When he just was listening to my story; not saying 'I want out' himself; I felt reassured of his love for me and my 'not wanting out' grew stronger.

So ... we're playing a game with each other, knowing the last thing is wanting to hurt each other.

Do I let him go ? Do I give up ? How can his 'wanting out' change so fast, only after hearing that I want to give him space deciding, but it's too difficult ? My friend says that to her, I am the 'stronger one' here, and he's following my emotions. I want out ? Ok, he wants out. I say no let's not do that ? He says, yeah, you are right.

My anxiety has been through the roof throughout most of our time together. I have looked for a therapist to be able to deal with it (my own therapist has temporarily stopped functioning as one) I think he definitely also can do with a therapist. Maybe we should look for one together. (IF he wants, which is a big if)  And isn't it ridiculous to go to couple therapy after only 6 months ? It's supposed to be all problemless now right ?

I feel like I haven't learned a thing the last years. I feel ridiculous. I thought I was so stable and look at me now. I love this guy. He's a lot of things I want. But I am anxious the whole time, afraid he will leave, and he has now confirmed my fears. Should I try if we could just be friends ? Is he actually not able to have a relationship, as he has told me ? The way I think that I am not able to have one ?
But I want to have one !

[Fie]

Hi Friends,


I am struggling in my new relationship. I have a history of abandonment and it's playing up massively.
My boyfriends also has his issues and has avoided relationships almost his whole life.
We both are not so good with relationships, I look for faults in him and for exit strategies (because I am afraid he will leave). He feels he cannot be himself anymore, he's afraid to say something wrong because I will panick. He also needs space - which I am trying to give him, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. He also says that normally without being in a relationship, he's more sweet. He wants to be sweeter to me but says he doesn't know why he's not. I have tried to tell him he's sweet enough as it is, he believes otherwise and feels that 'this is not him', so this means he cannot be himself. In the first month of our relationship he told me something similar. Back then it was 'not being good enough for me', and 'afraid to loose me because he would disappoint me'. I have tried to tell him he's sweet and good enough, it doesn't help. (Well probably the fact that I have been turning every stone, trying to find NPD in him, hasn't helped either)

So, we have had our issues. I always thought this is a bad sign to have those so early on. My therapist however told me that with my past it's normal and problems play out really soon, and things usually calm down later on (or not).

My boyfriend says that since some weeks he has felt miserable about not being himself. But that most of the times he's able to put his negativity aside and is able to just enjoy the time we have together.
Unfortunately since a week or so I have told my boyfriend that I have doubted the relationship, and that I have wanted to leave a few times.

(Yes, I have realized I should stop my exit strategies after I posted here online. A member on here made me realize I was like the little rabbit he describes so well in this post :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329691.msg13009658#msg13009658

I have done my best to not play the rabbit. But now I'm realizing that telling my boyfriend about wanting to leave, is just another way of playing the little rabbit.)


Some days ago ... he said he wasn't sure if he wanted all of this anymore. We talked about it, he said me doubting the relationship was the final drop that made him flip and not be able to put his negativity aside anymore. But that it would have come up anyway. We talked about it some more, I asked 'will you regret breaking up', he said yes, I said, so let's not break up. The night ended with me saying I wanted to give him space, so he  could think things over; but that I couldn't, that it was yes or no with me, and that I regret for him that I couldn't do that for him. After he heard this last thing, he said we'd work it out.

I don't know how I am feeling. What do I believe ? I am thinking about *his* feelings the whole time. If he wants to break up... .why would I stop him ? Why am I being ridiculous, why did I try to persuade him to stay ? I have had a relationship where I pleaded the guy to stay and I felt ridiculous over that. But aren't I doing the same thing here ?

I feel he's pushing and pulling. A friend however told me that I initiated that. She made me realize that me telling him that I have had doubts, is push-pull also. So it's somehow 'playing the little rabit', just in a different way. She asked me if this was my way of trying to be in control... .I am ashamed to say yes. When he just was listening to my story; not saying 'I want out' himself; I felt reassured of his love for me and my 'not wanting out' grew stronger.

So ... we're playing a game with each other, knowing the last thing is wanting to hurt each other.

Do I let him go ? Do I give up ? How can his 'wanting out' change so fast, only after hearing that I want to give him space deciding, but it's too difficult ? My friend says that to her, I am the 'stronger one' here, and he's following my emotions. I want out ? Ok, he wants out. I say no let's not do that ? He says, yeah, you are right.

My anxiety has been through the roof throughout most of our time together. I have looked for a therapist to be able to deal with it (my own therapist has temporarily stopped functioning as one) I think he definitely also can do with a therapist. Maybe we should look for one together. (IF he wants, which is a big if)  And isn't it ridiculous to go to couple therapy after only 6 months ? It's supposed to be all problemless now right ?

I feel like I haven't learned a thing the last years. I feel ridiculous. I thought I was so stable and look at me now. I love this guy. He's a lot of things I want. But I am anxious the whole time, afraid he will leave, and he has now confirmed my fears. Should I try if we could just be friends ? Is he actually not able to have a relationship, as he has told me ? The way I think that I am not able to have one ?
But I want to have one !

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Fie, In my view, the question is, "How do I know what I want?"  To put it another way, what would you like to see happen?  It's hard for me to tell from your post.  Do you want to be in a r/s w/this guy, or would you prefer to detach?  It's your call, my friend, not his.  If you can't figure out what you want, then I suggest you listen to your gut feelings, from your core.  Strive for authenticity!

LuckyJim

[Fie]

Hey LJ,

Thanks.
Thing is ... .I do want a relationship with him, but it has to be one where he can commit.
I am not talking about marriage or so. I do however struggle with the fact that he cannot promise *anything*, not even his feelings of tomorrow, let's say. I know that in a healthy relationship, this is how it works. It's my abandonment fears kicking in. But to some degree he does have fear of commitment and like me he does say he has trouble being in a relationship.

If you can't figure out what you want, then I suggest you listen to your gut feelings

my gut is telling me : if he cannot commit, I should get out. Not push or pull him.

But *can* he not commit ? Or is it my fears making me believe that ?
Would I have these anxieties also in a relationship with someone who has a healthy attachment style ? Would this person be able to take away my fears ?

The friend I was referring to, is telling me that I am projecting. That I am fearing that he will leave, because I am thinking about leaving myself. I am not too sure. And then, if this is true ... .I probably am thinking about leaving because I am afraid he will leave.


You are asking me what I'd like to see happen. I'd like to see happen that I panick less. That I give him space and can handle not seeing him for 3 days, all the while still having object constancy (I don't seem to be able to have that now, unfortunately and he all knows that). And I'd like to see happen that he tells me that he only wanted out, out of fear that I had wanted out. I'd like to see happen that he feels whole again, being able to be himself around me.

I'd like to see happen that we don't do the push-pull thing I am now realizing we are doing... .  :-(

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Fie,  I admire your honesty.  You seem to have a good handle on the dynamic, even though it is one you would like to change.  One thing you said seems quite perceptive:

I probably am thinking about leaving because I am afraid he will leave.

It this something you could bring up with your SO, in a gentle way?  Otherwise, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you bring about the result that you hope to avoid.

Relationships are hard, I get it.  Suggest you try to be yourself, as much as possible.

LJ

[Insom]

Hi, Fie.     Nice job with the self-awareness!  As someone who's also received a lot of help from this site, I appreciate that you highlighted a post that you found helpful and explained how it helped.  Thanks for sharing that. 

I like Lucky Jim's feedback about being open with your partner about your insecurity.  In my own experience, the greatest antidote to shame-based fear and anxiety is simply talking about it with someone who feels safe. 

My anxiety has been through the roof throughout most of our time together. I have looked for a therapist to be able to deal with it (my own therapist has temporarily stopped functioning as one) I think he definitely also can do with a therapist. Maybe we should look for one together. (IF he wants, which is a big if)  And isn't it ridiculous to go to couple therapy after only 6 months ? It's supposed to be all problemless now right ?

FWIW, I don't think this sounds ridiculous.  You're doing a great job understanding you need support.  Sorry to hear that your current therapist isn't living up to what you need. How can we support you in getting more effective help?  Is there a step you'd like to take that you haven't implemented yet?

[once removed]

Would I have these anxieties also in a relationship with someone who has a healthy attachment style ? Would this person be able to take away my fears ?

The friend I was referring to, is telling me that I am projecting.

all of us have a fear of abandonment and engulfment on some level. some have a higher degree of either or both, or a fear of something else entirely (think fear of flying... .lots of people have it, but still fly, lots of people will never make a trip because the fear is so great). fears can rule our lives, and drive our actions. there is not a person that has the ability to soothe our fears or make us more comfortable. we must confront them, tame them, defeat them.

it sounds like fear is ruling you both here. its as if the fear of losing each other is very great, and on some level, when that fear is provoked pushes both of you to stay. at the same time, the fear is telling you both that if a breakup is inevitable, might as well strike first, and get it over with - self protect. theyre flip sides of the same coin, because when the fear provokes one of you to stay, the other party keeps a foot out the door.

without significant, consistent change and communication (vulnerability), this seems unlikely to change and could end badly for one or both of you (a therapist can help with that, and we can give you tools, feedback, perspective). on the other hand, thats the fear driving you to want to get out. it would remain untamed, possibly heightened.

so whatever your decision, i dont think either the fear, nor staying just in the name of taming it, should be your guiding principle.

i have some heightened fear of abandonment myself, and it manifests in both anxiety during the early stages of a relationship, as well as a paralyzing fear of breaking up. one of the things that im learning is, as another member put it, to spot "cancer" on a relationship, and make difficult but necessary/healthy choices. "cancer" being things like irreconcilable differences. significant independent values that are at odds. at six months, its typical that these things come to a head, and are tested. beyond the fears and doubts, do you see "cancer" on this relationship?

[Fie]

Thank you. This means so much to me, the feeling that I don't have to go through this all alone.

We have in the meanwhile talked. Thanks for encouraging me on that, LJ and Insom.  You are both right of course. The only possible way is to be authentic and to show my vulnerability.

We agreed he would bring up issues earlier, speak up for himself more.  
For some reason he's more able to be himself again since the talk, he says. No idea why exactly. He seems to need to talk to me about his doubts. It’s true that I notice big changes in his behavior. Without me noticing he had become a bit less spontaneous, making less jokes. I'm glad to say that his old 'pup like' behaviour is back. I had missed that without really realizing it.
 
Some days ago I told him I had difficulty dealing with the fact he told me he wanted to break up. His reaction was ‘Huh ? break up ? I never wanted to break up ! I just wanted to get rid of those negative feelings, not of the relationship !’.
I don’t understand. He seems sincere (and actually he’s a superhonest person, so I don’t expect he’s lying, not consciously). But *I was there* during that initial conversation.  I know I have abandonment issues. And I know that in the past there have been little misunderstandings between us, where as I look back upon the situation, I must say that I have miscalculated them, hearing things that were not really there, out of fear. But this ?  How is this possible ?  A little voice inside my head (the fear voice ? Or is it actually the voice of reason ?) says:  ‘You have been gaslighted in your NPD relationship … Ok, maybe this guy now is not doing it on purpose ... but it’s manipulation none the less ! Don’t let yourself be treated badly again ! Maybe it’s time to call it a day !’.
I wish I had recorded everything.
My bf sticks to his point, he hasn’t meant to end the relationship. Still I feel that, subconsciously maybe, he has tried to see how far he can go with me ? Maybe he needed the affirmation, that I don’t run ? Sadly I have done that in the past, so I know it’s not out of being “evil”, I do actually understand. And my friend is right, I initiated the push-pull. But still, it’s not behavior I want to put up with. F.e. when we were talking about everything what happened, I asked him if he’d agree to talk about our communication style with someone, he said no. Maybe I’m too sensitive, he said : ‘well, this is much ado, I am getting sick of all that’. I asked : ‘also sick of me?’ he said ‘yes’. So,  I said ‘that’s painful to hear, you are actually threatening to break up like this’, his answer was ‘ I said that because I was a bit pissed, I didn’t mean that.’ But well…for me, if you don’t mean things ... don’t say them ... no ?
This is actually how I found out he never wanted to break up in the first place. I asked him ‘is this threatening again, like you were doing when you told me about your doubts ?’ His answer : “I was not threatening then, I never wanted to break up, you misunderstood me ! And I am not threatening now, I am just feeling a bit pissed because you want me to go to relationship therapy and I don’t want that.”
So … one of us has a problem : either he’s ‘forgotten’ (?) that he told me he wanted out of the relationship a few weeks ago.  Either I am so full of fear that I hear things that are not there. I know that this last things is true to some extend. But I’m practically sure that this time that’s not the case.


Pfff guys. Thank you so much for being a listener, this helps me so so much.


Once removed, you are saying

at six months, its typical that these things come to a head, and are tested. beyond the fears and doubts, do you see "cancer" on this relationship?

I am not sure I understand where you are heading at. How come that 6 months is a typical time for things like that popping up ?
I have been thinking a little about your question. I don’t think I can spot other things popping up. Apart from him needing more space than I do (but I can accept the needing space now ... before I couldn’t, which has led him to keep everything bottled up until recently). I think for the rest our values are pretty much the same, with little different accents maybe, but nothing significant. I need more action than he does, f.e. I want to travel more, but we seem to find a middle way there. In stead of going far away with the plane, like I would do, or stay home like he would do, we are going to take the car for a destination not so far, which is fine for me and fine for him. We are both honest, him even more than me, he wants me to express all of my doubts about the relationship f.e. As I have massive abandonment fears and I constantly look for exit strategies, I don’t want to tell him everything that is going on in my head. We have found a middle way where I will tell him about it, on the condition that I feel I can not handle my fears by myself.  We both feel our friends are very important in our lives and we accept that the other one has a private life on this point. He gets along superwell with my daughter.
We are both respectful to others and value authenticity as much as the other. Our communication style however is different : I am confrontional and he’s avoidant. He will pretend everything’s fine out of fear of hurting me, while I will tell him when something’s wrong. I need to hear he loves me. He has difficulty expressing that in words (bettering though). He just ‘knows’ I love him he says, and he doesn’t need to hear it. So, yes, different communication styles. I used to be like that, not being able to say ‘I love you’. That changed when my daughter was born and I realized I should alter that, in her interest.

I wish I would allow myself to let this slide. Would someone 'normal' do that, I am wondering. My therapist has taught me not discard people too quicly (I have a tendendy to do that... .flees from my FOO, I'm sure you understand). But what is the limit ? When do I loose my self respect ? I am confused. This guy is super respectful. I have never been respected by someone like this. Reading my first post about my relationship makes me realize that again. By now it became my new normal. But it's true that he's the one guy that shows respectful behavior like no one else has. He respects my boundaries naturally. He always listens to me and is super patient. But is he respectful on this one ?

Thanks for sticking with me. I am overanalyzing again.

[1stTimer]

Hi Fie! I think I replied to you in an earlier thread about the Turtle analogy. As I read your latest post though it seems you have an even more challenging dynamic; you both seem to be turtles hiding behind the rock waiting to say "Aha!". That is a challenging and explosive dynamic. It becomes hard to know who jumped out behind the rock first doesn't it?

My first sort of Polly Anna reply to this is one of you be able to stop hiding behind the rock and make it safe for the other one to as well but that seems a momentous challenge unless both people are not only doing a ton of work on themselves but have developed a lot of trust in each other already. It doesn't sound like you've even been able to build that foundation yet.

It sounds like he has a history of being told he is not good/nice enough and is waiting for that shoe to drop and that is not something that is generally simply addressed simply by reassuring someone over and over because as you yourself know he's hiding behind that rock just waiting for the first 'Aha!' even if you didn't mean "you are not good enough".  Maybe some innocent comment from you triggers that. And you've got your "he's going to leave me" and some comment him triggers that.

I'm no relationship expert but to my eyes it seems as if this relationship is really important to both of you that, as early as it is, you might want to find a couples therapist or relationship counselor to give you both some guidelines on how to communicate? Not to fix a broken relationship but to give you some tools to lay a founation for a good one. I just don't see how the two of you with your own issues and communication styles could figure that out on your own right now (I could be wrong) and one of you would eventually trigger a massive reaction from the other.  You would both have to figure out if what you have is worth that kind of effort from the outset or maybe just both of you take this as a learning experience and continue to do work on yourselves for either your next relationship or maybe when you meet again.

[once removed]

I am not sure I understand where you are heading at. How come that 6 months is a typical time for things like that popping up ?

what i meant wasnt so much that these are ordinary difficulties at this point, but that generally the first 3-6 months of a relationship are the "honeymoon" period, and the 6 month-1 year mark the relationship tends to be tested by things that have to do with both parties. for some partners the first year is a honeymoon, where the tests come in the second year, but this is a general "what to expect" sort of timeline.

We have found a middle way where I will tell him about it, on the condition that I feel I can not handle my fears by myself.  We both feel our friends are very important in our lives and we accept that the other one has a private life on this point. He gets along superwell with my daughter.

this is a good middle ground. its one thing for a partner to say they want to hear all of our fears, and they may mean it, but a lot can lost in translation, or it can be overwhelming, or... .

consistent communication is good. needs need to be communicated. i wonder though, what about communicating them at times as needs, rather than fears?

Some days ago I told him I had difficulty dealing with the fact he told me he wanted to break up. His reaction was ‘Huh ? break up ? I never wanted to break up ! I just wanted to get rid of those negative feelings, not of the relationship !’.
... .
A little voice inside my head (the fear voice ? Or is it actually the voice of reason ?) says:  ‘You have been gaslighted in your NPD relationship … Ok, maybe this guy now is not doing it on purpose ... but it’s manipulation none the less ! Don’t let yourself be treated badly again ! Maybe it’s time to call it a day !’.

this might be one that got lost in translation.

try probing/challenging/pushing back on the fear... .

if this is manipulation, to what end would he be trying to manipulate you?

[Insom]

Hi, Fie.  It's been a few weeks so I thought I'd check in.  How are things going? 

[Fie]

if this is manipulation, to what end would he be trying to manipulate you?

He would be manipulating me in the way that he'd want me to pull him back ... Like : push so I'd pull... .If I am honest, that's what I have done with him too on a smaller scale.

Someone told me I just have to dig with this. That this just what people do in relationships : they say things that they don't mean. I don't know. Possibly. But they shouldn't. (And that includes me)

Thanks for checking in Insom. That is so sweet.

I have been doing a lot better.  I am trying to not panick for the smallest thing. I don't know why but suddenly I am able to be a lot calmer. I am also realizing that my behavior will automatically influence my boyfriend's behavior. So I am trying to not be too controling, to not see faults everywhere. I am not checking my phone anymore the whole time ('has he answered?').
For now, I tell myself : he's a great, sweet guy, but he's not perfect. He expresses himself in an awkward way sometimes; he can be blunt and regret it afterwards. But maybe that's not enough to throw everything out of the window.

[Insom]

Thanks for the update, Fie. 

I am trying to not panick for the smallest thing. I don't know why but suddenly I am able to be a lot calmer. I am also realizing that my behavior will automatically influence my boyfriend's behavior. So I am trying to not be too controling, to not see faults everywhere. I am not checking my phone anymore the whole time ('has he answered?').

This all sounds real and healthy, like you're doing great. 

For now, I tell myself : he's a great, sweet guy, but he's not perfect. He expresses himself in an awkward way sometimes; he can be blunt and regret it afterwards. But maybe that's not enough to throw everything out of the window.

How does this feel for you, accepting him for who he is?

[Fie]

How does this feel for you, accepting him for who he is?

Weird. On one hand, it makes me realize that I love him. Even with his quirks.
On the other hand I do still wonder if 'threatening to break up' is something I should put up with.
He has shed a bit more light on it by now. Apparently when he expresses doubts, I go into 'talking mode' too much and he feels cornered, upon which he starts to flip and wants to retreat, upon which he then starts to wonder if maybe he really wants out (realizing the next hours that no, he doesn't - but by then the damage has been done because he's told me).

Hmm. So yes, I don't know what to think of that. He doesn't want me to go into analyzing/talking mode, but then why on earth does he start talking about it ?

For now it doesn't really seem to matter, because for some reason we both feel a lot better. I still am able to manage my feelings a lot better than I have the last 6 months. And oddly enough he has mentioned he feels better too, saying it seems like I need less validation from him the whole time. I guess that's because I do my best to not be the little rabbit the whole time. I have stopped thinking he's NPD, by now I know for sure he's not. And I am doing my best to not put too much pressure on him finding faults.
He has asked me to meet some friends of his next week, he has met one friend of mine last week. So it seems we are both investing in each other, which is good.

If I am honest with myself ... this guy is a lot of the things I need. He's sweet, he makes me laugh, he's openminded, he has good values, he gets along with my daughter, he listens to me when something's wrong, he accepts all of my weird flees from my FOO and is superpatient. He's not NPD, nor BPD.

But how do I deal with his relationship insecurities, when they'll pop up again ... .I don't want to corner him by analyzing everything. But he's not great with words, so I have to pull everything out of him ... and if he expresses concern, I try to look for solutions ... and apparently then I'm cornering him.

So I don't know how to deal with that.

[Insom]

how do I deal with his relationship insecurities, when they'll pop up again

Would it be fair to say that when he expresses relationship insecurities, you go into fix-it/analysis mode?

[Fie]

Would it be fair to say that when he expresses relationship insecurities, you go into fix-it/analysis mode?

Definitely.
It's not that I want to fix it by myself, I do ask for his input. So it's not like before when I wanted to fix people.
But all I get then is 'I don't know, I don't know', which makes me analyze more and ask for more input ... and than always finally he blocks.
And frankly it annoys me. I cannot stand it when people go into victim mode. And the 'I doubt our relationship', I don't know. Why does he tell me about it, when he doesn't want to resolve it together ? It seems like he just wants to get it off his chest. I have asked him if he can't discuss this with a friend. He has tried this once, and said it only made him feel worse.

But when he talks to me like that, I flip. It's bad enough that he wants to talk about it. The not looking for a solution drives me mad.

[Lucky Jim]

It's not that I want to fix it by myself, I do ask for his input.

Yet you're still going into "fix-it" mode, as Insom suggests. 

It's bad enough that he wants to talk about it. The not looking for a solution drives me mad.

It seems like you're annoyed because he's not interested in fixing it.  What if you were to just let him talk?  Could you let go of your need to fix?  It might be less stressful for you.

LJ

[Fie]

Interesting LJ ... .but how can I not want to fix it ? It's my relationship too, not only his ... .

So imagine I just let him rant ... I say nothing (completely against my nature :-P)

Then how does the problem get resolved ?

[Insom]

So imagine I just let him rant ... I say nothing (completely against my nature :-P)

Then how does the problem get resolved ?

Being on the receiving end of someone's "fixit" energy can feel super-invalidating.  Is it possible he craves validation?  If so, how to deliver that?  And what can possibly change if you do?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Fie,

To me, it comes down to the Serenity Prayer, i.e., having the courage to change the things within your power to control, letting go of the things beyond your control and the wisdom to know the difference (I'm paraphrasing here, I know!).

What if you said something like, unless you want to work on it together, there's nothing I can do?  Animal trainers recommend ignoring unwanted behavior, which I understand is not always easy to do with one's spouse!

LJ

[Fie]

Well ... .relationship ended. I don't really want to elaborate, because although deep down I feel it's for the best, still I am suffering.

I did however want to check in to thank all of you who have commented on my post. Thanks for being out there, that meant (means) a lot.

I will try to be on the boards the following weeks for the people who need it, as I know the holidays are a difficult time for a lot of us. I don't know if I will find the mental energy - I will do my best.

xxx

[Insom]

Hi, Fie.  Thanks for checking back in.   (I was just thinking about you and wondering how things are going.)

Hugs.    I'm sorry to hear things feel hard right now and totally get how even when a breakup is for the best, it can still hurt.

Is this a fresh breakup or has it been a few days/weeks?

[Fie]

Dear Insom,

It's been a month.
I guess I have learned from all of this. But it's a hard lesson  :-P

Thanks for being there !
xxx