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Author Topic: Adult daughter has again cut me off from her family, I am so distraught  (Read 806 times)
Ricandmax

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« on: November 08, 2018, 12:40:07 PM »

Several years ago I went for counseling on how to deal with my daughter who so disrespectful and mean to me.   After several years of counseling my therapist labeled her as a Borderline Personality Disorder.  She can not take the word no.   When I do she tells me what a piece of crap mother I am etc.   well during that time  she wanted to borrow money and I said no.   Huge fight, she took my grandkids from me , and basically and said horrible things to me.  We made up but I am constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what I might say that will set her off.   She usually starts screaming and you just can’t a word in edgewise. Well last month she was having issues with her house rental and wants my husband and I to buy a house for her and when she is able buy it back from us.  We are retired and am on a fixed income.  She wants $50 000.   I said no we can’t do that at this time of ourlives.  She stills owes $27,000 that we loaned to her to help them out.  She had a mold problem in her rental and is blaming me to allow my grandchildren to live in toxic conditions.  She is in a very affluent area and she can not afford the rents there and does not want to take her children out of there school.  Well again she has cut me off from her family. I am so distraught as I love them so much.  Sorry for the being so long but this is just the tip of the iceberg.  Thanks for listening
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Feeling Better
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2018, 05:09:21 PM »

Hello Ricandmax, welcome.

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through with your daughter and I am sorry to hear that she has cut you off from her family, that must be really heartbreaking for you  

You say that you have been to counselling to learn how to deal with your daughter, did you find it useful/helpful for you? Has your daughter had therapy too?

I look forward to hearing more from you x  
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
Fuente24
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2018, 10:56:03 AM »

Hello! Sorry to hear that you are going through this situation and have times when you don't see you grand kids for a long time... .Hope that with time this situation will become better and kids will see that you wish all the best to them. Regarding property for rent in USA (https://tranio.com/rent/usa/) I can advise to talk to Tranio  as they have some cheap solutions in different area maybe they can find some option for them too. Good luck and I will pray for your family!
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Ricandmax

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2018, 11:42:32 AM »

I’m not sure if I’m posting correctly, but she hasn’t gone to therapy.  She wasnt formally diagnosed, but through my therapy my therapist diagnosed her.  What upsets me is that I’m getting the blame for allowing her and my grandchildren to live in a toxic environment.  She will not take responsibility but blames others.  I feel like maybe I should take the money from my retirement just to have peace.  My therapist has assured me it’s not my responsibility but I still feel guilty.  I’m 70 years old and was looking forward to my retirement worked all my lie but she is just draining us and resents if I go to dinner etc instead of helping her.  I want to do what’s best for her but I don’t what that is.  
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Feeling Better
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« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2018, 05:59:58 PM »

What upsets me is that I’m getting the blame for allowing her and my grandchildren to live in a toxic environment.  She will not take responsibility but blames others.

Ricandmax, she is trying to guilt trip you, you are not the one allowing your grandchildren to live in a toxic environment, she is. We have an excellent article about this, just click on the link below:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Excerpt
My therapist has assured me it’s not my responsibility but I still feel guilty.

Your therapist is right, it’s not your responsibility, it’s hers. Your only responsibility is to yourself 

Excerpt
I’m 70 years old and was looking forward to my retirement worked all my lie but she is just draining us and resents if I go to dinner etc instead of helping her.  I want to do what’s best for her but I don’t what that is. 

You are entitled to a good retirement, you have worked all your life for it and you deserve it and if you want to go to dinner, then you should go to dinner. Guilt free. Your daughter is piling the guilt on big time.

You want to do what’s best for her, of course you do, you are her mom and you love her and that’s what we do. But at what cost to you? I’ve been there, I know what it’s like. You are important Ricandmax and you matter and your feelings matter too x 
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
Ricandmax

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2018, 10:29:58 AM »

Thank you so much for your reply.   Her and her husband always seem to make bad choices and there is always so kind of drama in her life.  She called last night about thanksgiving as we usually go to my sons, but she said she doesn’t think she can stand to look at us as we are disgusting human beings allowing them to live like they do.  I want so bad to tell her it’s your responsibility but I know what kind of rath I would have to take and for sure she wouldn’t let me see the kids.  Why can’t she just let me live whatever time I have left in peace.  At times I feel like I’m going just going to lose it.  Then of course I worry about them and the kids and what are they going to do.  My daughter biggest problem is that it’s always somebody else’s fault and they feel a sense of entitlement.  She is always fighting with someone.   I’m not sure if my daughter has BPD but my last therapist felt she did. I have been educating myself on this disorder and what read it was probably our fault messing up raising her that’s why I joined this group to get advise the best way to deal with her so I don’t mess her up more
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Huat
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Relationship status: Estranged
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« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2018, 02:56:44 PM »

Aw, Ricandmax, you sure need a hug.  From one grandmother to another... .

You and I both posted in Lavenderfields' previous thread... .so I won't repeat my history other than to say I can relate very well to how you are feeling now.  It wasn't that long ago that I was so, so despondent... .crying at the drop of a hat during the day and even waking at night to cry.  I was a mess!  Finding this website was truly a lifesaver for me.

So now you are here, too, Ricandmax, and I urge you to stay.  It is good to read that you are seeing a therapist.  All the help you can get, the better!   Your daughter's behaviour, her verbal abuse to you, is not acceptable.

I echo all of what Feeling Better has written to you.  I, too, recommend that you do your homework... .her suggestion of clicking on "Emotional Blackmail - FOG" is a good start... .and there is so much more.

Remember... .it is your choice as to whether or not you accept guilt.  Guilt will not help you in moving forward.

You write - "I have been educating myself on this disorder and what read it was probably our fault messing up raising her... .that's why I joined this group to get advise the best way to deal with her so I don't mess her up more."   Great that you want to educate yourself (that is what we are all striving to do)... .but... .give yourself credit in that you always did the best you could in raising your daughter... .and when you knew better... .you did better.

In another thread there is a discussion about "Venting."  For me, that was a major part of my healing... .maybe the same for you?

Keep posting, Ricandmax.  Looking forward to hearing more from you and being one of many who will be offering support.

Huat

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Faith Spring
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« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2018, 05:11:24 PM »

You didn’t mess her up.  You’re a good mom.  I thInk the data on this disorder is old and biased.  Please don’t let anyone convince you that this is your fault.  Mental illness hasn’t received the research it deserves because of all these decades of shame.  So shame on science, not on you!
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