Missing ex

[Apricot]

A year after a 19 year relationship ending in divorce ( he had mental issues and was verbally abusive for years) i met what seemd my dream soul mate. He told me after 3 weeks he lived me and propsed after 4 weeks. We instantly began an intense needy relationship. He said he felt safe and trusted me and i made the woeld go away. He told me awful stories of his childhood abuse. The sex was out of this world and he was extremely loving attentive and charming. After two  months he accused me of affairs and said i was behaving oddly. He began to tell stories of horrors he endured during an early army career. His ex wife and subsequent live in  partner had cheated on him constantly and one tried to poison him and many times injured his horses. He was suicidal. Heard voices of burning children he had blown up whilst in the armt. The tales were so detailed traumatic and he'd be sobbing. He'd served time in jail to protect a friend. Eveyday  different woman would sexually proposition him and of course he'd turn her down. It made him feel like a piece of meat after his childhood abuse. I was so hooked and wanted to save him. I loved him. None of this  stuff was his fault. Then he began letting me down when we were susposed to meet. Meetings, disasters, giving up a heavy cannabis habit and going to evening support groups, constantly talking online secretivly. He had no male friends. Told me i was all over the place. I was depressed. Id changed. He ended it with me after 6 mths after putting me throug emotional hell. Told me he was a monster, a beast and he loved me too much to make me unhappy. Then said hed been recalled to a , i suspect fuctitious, army career and had to go off to russia where  he hoped hed die as he was not meant for this  world. When i said i didnt want to remain freinds he told me hed been having chemo for the last 3 mths and didnt want to tell me. He loved  me so much and couldnt bear the thought of dieing and not spending  a lifetime with me which is why hed behaved so oddly. Then followed a month of texts and calls about his midnight chemo treatments which he paid for  privately and how he was so grateful to be alive. Once my chemical addiction to him wore off and i saw al this for what it was i have been traumatised. I know it sounds nuts but he was so convincing. There were many other dramatic stories and he runs his own succesfull buisness and everyone thinks he is wonderful.  Its been two months now since we ended and i am still struggling and worry this will put me off men forever. How can i trust anyone again... .

[once removed]

hi Apricot, and

it sounds like youve really been through the wringer. im glad you took the step of reaching out, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here. a strong support system was probably the most critical aspect of my own recovery, and it made all the difference in the world.

How can i trust anyone again... .

its a complex question, and hopefully reaching out to this community will be the start of that. there is hope, things do get better, and though i imagine it hardly feels this way now, we can emerge from our experiences older, sharper, wiser, more skilled, and even more confident in whom and how we trust.

but first there are wounds that need tending.

the two of you were together for six months, do i have that right? was the fictitious trip to russia and you saying you didnt want to remain friends the "official" breakup?

[Apricot]

Thank you for responding. Yes we spent 6 months together. He ended it with me after 5 telling me he was a monster and had been recalled to the military... .we did continue the relationship for another difficult month after which he ended it again, i barely  saw him the whole  month, he made a lot of excuses and conti ued to text and call a lot,  and was spending time with an ex who hed become close  to  again,  though if he hadn't  ended things i knew id have to... .this was when i said i couldn't  be friends and he brought up the cancer story. He also had an 'ex' who had lived with him 3 years ago who he still spent  a lot of time with and i now know they were still sleeping together. The last time i saw he he said he missed me in so many ways so we met and he told me about a number of women he'd spent time with since our breakup and how they all wanted a relationship with him. He was crying and saying  he thought they  were his friends, why do wmen just see me as a piece of meat or fall in live with me... .i dont love them  love you but i cant be a dark presence in your life and make you unhappy... .he has since text about an sti concern and said that he and his ex both had tests and it was all clear
 " all good" he texts with a smiley face. I have been very civilised and have been concerned as i dont understand his mental health or know if the sucidal thoughts are real. However i did finally say look i know this is all a lie, i wish you well etc and he got angry and said he thought we had ended on good terms and what gives me the right to nake assumptions about him.
My mind is blown to be honest ... .

[Apricot]

And yet i fight the urge to contact him. He was intoxicating and i miss the idealisation phase... .looking  back i shpuld have seen it coming but the change really happenef overnight and hurt like nothing ive ever encountered

[once removed]

that must have been an especially hard last month for you. things must feel pretty all over the place. how did you come to learn about BPD and put things together?

also you mentioned the how the last time you spoke, about how long ago was that now?

[Apricot]

We last spoke a month ago, he visited and then a couple calls. Then on sunday i sent a messge saying i knew he'd been lieing and an apology might help. I sent it off the cuff as my 9 year old daughter has been very upset from seeing me upset.  I regreted sending it. I saw a councellor who id seen in the past after my divorce and she said straight away he sounded BPD. I also have a very close  friend who has been diagnosed with pbd and she said this too. I have read a lot about it since which helps make sense a little

[once removed]

great idea seeing a counselor. are you still seeing her?

learning about the disorder can help too... .i know i had a lot of questions, and it helped me in a lot of ways to learn there were real answers to those complex questions, and it helped me in some ways to depersonalize what was very hurtful behavior. any questions on your mind about what youre reading/learning?

Then on sunday i sent a messge saying i knew he'd been lieing and an apology might help.

i assume there was no apology?

[Mutt]

Hi Apricot,



I’d like to join once removed and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry to hear that he has make you question if you’re going to be in r/s’s again these r/s are so intense from beginning to end.

Then on sunday i sent a messge saying i knew he'd been lieing and an apology might help.

What do you mean here? Would you take him back?

[Apricot]

I supposed i hoped for some sort of apology/closure or explanation for all the lies... he replied " why do you feel you have the right to make assumptions about me, we just ended and i thought on good terms but it seems not. Im sorry your daughter is upset and happy to put it all behind us, take care"... which made me feel guilty and wrong and confused, what if it was all true. How hurtfull of me to accuse him of lieing. What if its me that is the one with mental health issues.  Then i worried about his suicide threats and the implications of me sending him that message. Then i fought the urge to phone and ask if he was ok... .then i reminded myself that he did not have cancer. No one drives two hours alone to hospital each week for midnight chemo for months and months yet looks and seems radiantly healthy... .ive spoken at length to macmillian cancer support and the hospital he said he was attending and they told me nothing he'd said was true. I felt like id wasted their time and my therapist asks me why donyou believe these stories which clearly arent true... .i guess i just cant belive that anyone could lie in such detail about these things at the same time as claiming to love me. It has destroyed my trust in people.

[Apricot]

The things he told me about the army and his ptsd were so horrific i fainted at one point. And now im questioning the things he said at the beginning about his horrific childhood abuse. And the sex for me felt so intimate and loving yet without boundaries. I gave him my heart and soul and i now feel the whole thing was just  a game for him. He plays with us all.

[once removed]

how are you doing today Apricot? any update?