uBPw Gets Mad if I am Happy

[5min]

I came home from work and was in a really good mood after talking with one of my co-workers. That was actually at my uBPw suggestion. So now she is mad as hell that I am "all full of myself" and happy. "Why can't I do that with her?" Probably because I'm tired of being bitched at and there is not s shred of love left. I look back over the years and anything that gave me any joy, she would systematically destroy or prevent me from enjoying; hobbies, pets, friends, family. What the heck?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

You feel frustrated and unloved by your partner with BPD who cannot share in your joy. Likely, your partner with BPD does not view you as a separate person. People with BPD do not have empathy and expect those closest to them to feel the same way they do. People with BPD who cannot deal with their pain and anger and cannot feel joy, are unable to share in the joy of others. This is so frustrating to have your partner stamp on your joy. How can you prevent her from affecting you so much? What has worked for you when dealing with her and what does not work at all?

[5min]

Boundaries do not work. Any response outside of "It's all my fault" and "I'm a terrible person" is considered and responded to as JADEing. After reading another post, I took the MOSAIC and scored a 7.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a situation where you don't feel safe to express your emotions.  That is a very difficult and painful situation to be in.  Can you tell us what behaviors of hers prompted you to take the MOSAIC test? 

RC

[5min]

I was on the Conflicted or Just Tolerating reading another's post that rings so close. In it CatFamiliar suggested taking the MOSAIC. So I did. The actions are hitting, hitting with objects, trying to stab, smashing through a door with a bat, slapping herself, and attempts at suicide. She has been on a rant since last night. I did not pay enough attention. And ranting endears one. Right. Beat someone until they love you. 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the detail.  I think I saw in another thread you were involved in mention of needing to deal with the hitting first.  In another place you said the following:

This morning she also hit me in the head with her phone and fist. So I said I would not accept that behavior and tried to talk through it.

What kind of message does it send to say you won't accept hitting and yet try to talk through it?  I know you left eventually.  Has she stopped hitting you?

Can you tell us about the most recent and the worst incidents of physical violence?

RC

[5min]

She still hits if she gets into a rage. Most anything can escalate it. Her father has a similar personality.

What message? It sends the message to me that nothing will change until I permanently leave. Talking is always about how it is my fault, how I am the cause of all her problems, and how I am such a POS. She never takes ownership for her part or her actions.

Recent as in the last 2 months has been ear twisting, hitting in the face, black eye, bit arm, choked by twisting shirt, and slammed into a door frame as I tried to leave. The worst: either the mirror broken over my head edge on or the time she stomped my lower back and I had trouble walking for a week.

Funny how writing this makes it clear that I need to get out. Then the FOG rolls in and "rinse and repeat."

[storagecold]

Very familiar with your situation. uBPDw makes fun of me if I'm not in precisely the same mood as she. In her "up" times, if I'm not right up there with her, I am "an emotional wet blanket." If I'm in a good mood, she assumes it must be something I am doing do either cut her out of something, having an affair, or some other insane made-up garbage.

What has happened to me as a result is I'm just sort of the same beaten-down mood all the time -- not particularly happy or sad, just sort of maintaining. I try to find my joy in places where her looniness can't reach.

[Radcliff]

You are in a dangerous situation.  There are many, many reasons why people stay in abusive situations, and most are common regardless of whether the survivor is a man or a woman, but as men we have a machismo that does not serve us well.  We grow up playing contact sports and learn how to "take a hit."  Our partners are usually weaker, so we rationalize that we're safe enough.  We don't want to admit that the abuse is hurting us, so we silently accumulate the damage.

There is a lot going on in your relationship.  Simplify things for now.  Focus on stopping the physical violence.  The quote below is Skip talking to me a little over a year ago:

We had talked about the importance of zero tolerance with DV and slowly and systematically tightening the enforcement by exposing the DV to friends and families and school and church (e.g. going to her parents and asking them to help by taking your call when there is a problem and talking to their daughter) and then moving up to police or CPS intervention. The reasons for slowly tighten is because it has been allowed for so long you need to phase it in.

Bottom line, until you drive this home, you are not going to make a lot of headway with the softer issues like being mouthy. Furthermore, if you cannot resolve the DV, your relationship in effectively over and you need to get out.

I don't want to soften this statement, because your future, one way or another, depends on getting to zero tolerance in a few short months.

Why start with DV? Because 100% of the world will stand behind you and echo your demand for 100%. Priest, friends, family, cops, school counselor, employer, mailman - heck, even the NFL. If you can't effect zero tolerance with all these tools, you don't stand a chance of softer issues.

As I read your word, I don't hear a firm commitment to this from you. And the golden rule is that if you can't walk the talk, don't expect anyone to follow.

More importantly, she doesn't hear a firm commitment either. Think of her use of the word "coward". Think of your use if the words, "she has retracted".  Of course she retracted. She will retract right after she hits you with a chair too. She's not going to thank you for calling the cops.

What you bought by getting her to agree was to hear the seriousness and acknowledge it. The next incident, you ask her mom for help with this problem. The next incident, you go to the school counselor. You started the process.

She doesn't have to re-up every week.

Now, you boxed yourself in a little. I say a little because you can wiggle out, its early.  

Think of the how you parsed this here - short entrapment, body blocking, shoving is all kinda OK - worst case you call 1-800-DOM-VILCE and talk to someone. So shoving and shouting ok, hitting with a chair is not.

So now you are going to say, don't say hurtful words?  Shoving OK. Words bad.

This is not systematically closing in on zero tolerance or DV and intimidation. The idea here (specifically for violence, criminal activity, etc) is unique in that you have to drive it to zero tolerance. No entrapment, no bullying, no hip checking. No intimidation.

But first you have to walk the talk. You have to shed, in your own heart, your tentativeness.  That is the biggest barrier right.

This requires a lot a change from you. Are you up to this?

To start coming up to speed, I would suggest you start with this bpdfamily article on BPD and physical abuse, which also links through to this bpdfamily topic on domestic violence for men.

It's important to not make any big changes until you have a complete plan.  Have you been documenting her violence against you?  Do you have any journal entries or pictures?  Have you told anyone else about the violence?

RC

[5min]

Radcliff, wow! Thanks. I read your topic form back then. We have a lot in common with the characteristics of our relationships. One of the statements from Skip rings loud: "if you can not resolve the DV, your relationship is effectively over ... ." I'm working though the links you provided. All very good info. I am worried about the fallout if/when we split. I don't know how she will react and what games she will play. I do have photos of DV and audio of her rages. Since we had the huge fight over me being happy, she has daily threatened divorce. Yesterday was 7 hrs on the phone getting my butt handed to me while trying to come up with a plan to work things out. I got nothing done at work. I've spent 2 nights at the hanger and last night in the basement. I still had a bag in the truck from the last episode 2 weeks ago. She constantly says I have to come up with a plan to fix this. I so badly want to say I don't how to fix her. Ok, I'm rambling. D20 is home from college and I really need to hold it together until she goes back. Then try to get the DV resolved or call it.

[Radcliff]

Don't burden yourself with decisions about the relationship now.  Focus on stopping the violence.  Not only is it easier on you to not try to figure out too much at once, if you are presenting your situation to others and say that you are open-minded about the relationship and want to stop the violence first, you may appear more credible than if you file for divorce and claim domestic violence (this issue of credibility can be especially important for a male survivor).  Focus on getting to a safe situation.  She will have options open to her, like treatment and improving her behaviors.  Her responses to your boundaries around safety will inform where you want to go with the relationship.

In addition to photos and recordings, I'd encourage you to start journaling.  Be religious about it going forward, writing down any incidents, including direct quotes of any threats she makes or humiliating or inappropriate speech.  When you have some safe time, write out descriptions and dates of previous serious incidents.  This documentation will make you confident in presenting your story and getting your family the help it needs.

So, you want to avoid rocking the boat until your daughter goes back to school.  I get it, though there's risk.  When does your daughter return to school?  How confident are you that you can avoid any physical incidents between now and then?

RC