Young Adult Son

[Gracie Hall]

    My son recently returned home from college after being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We have a limited resources in our area and have found a therapist that he sees her once a week but that is hardly enough. He has great anger toward me so I have very limited communication with him and I’m not sure what to do  to help him become motivated. He is not on a good sleep schedule and stays up and out late on most nights and then sleeps away the day. He doesn’t seem to be interested in doing except interacting with is phone.  The therapist has talk to him about exercising, scheduling his time, having healthy eating habits all to no avail. I’m not sure if there’s anything that I can do or just sit back and wait to see if something clicks for him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

a diagnosis can help. how is he taking the news? how are you taking it?

what does he have great anger toward you about?

[Gracie Hall]

He is not taking the news very well.  He is blaming me for everything for being to controlling as a parent.  He is back at home and spending a lot of time staying away from us.  I have been doing a lot of reading about BPD trying to learn all I can and it is very hard for me to read about what is happening to him.  On the other hand I am also having a hard time separating his actions from what my be BPD actions.

[Harri]

Hi Gracie Hall and welcome though I am sorry for what brings you here. 

I am glad you reached out to us here.  We have lots of parents who can relate to your situation and as you read and post in threads you will see that you are not alone and you can see what has and has not worked for others.  We also have a lot of things to read that can help you cope and find new ways to communicate with your son.  I don't mean that you are doing anything wrong.  Sometimes though, how we communicate with someone with BPD needs to be changed as they process things differently than we do.  None of this is intuitive though so again, I am glad you are here as we can help you brainstorm and troubleshoot in addition to giving you a safe place to talk with people who get it.

When you can, check out the HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE  thread tacked to the top of this board.  You will find lots of things to read through.  Take it slow though as it can get overwhelming sometimes.  The links are laid out in a way that starts you off with what is most helpful.  I hope you find it helpful as you look through them. 

In the meantime though, please share more of your story.  We can listen.   

[Only Human]

Hi Gracie Hall,

I join others in welcoming you to the family, you are not alone.

I can relate to having a hard time separating the disorder from the child.

How long has he been back home?

Does his therapist have experience working with people with BPD (pwBPD)?

I hope to hear more from you and how we can best support you.

~ OH

[Gracie Hall]

My son has been home for a month now.  He does have a therapist he sees weekly that uses dbt although I don’t believe he is yet practicing any of the tools she is working with him  on such as scheduling, exercise or diet improvements.  The resources in our area are limited, I found someone who has been completed the Marsha Linehan training but they charge $160 for a 50 minute session and do not accept our insurance

[Only Human]

It can be difficult for pwBPD to stick to therapy, DBT, etc. and it sounds like it's no different for your DS. Unfortunately, there's not a lot we can do to motivate our children unless they want help. What we can do is take very good care of ourselves, tough to do when dealing with all the emotions that come with living with a pwBPD, but so very critical. Do you have a therapist of your own?

As Harri said, we have a lot of things to read here, plus the collective wisdom and experience of many parents who have travelled, are travelling, similar paths. We can listen and offer advice, hold you up when you're not strong.

It sounds like a house divided where you live, he stays away and you don't have a lot of interaction with him due to his anger toward you. It's totally understandable that you'd want to stay away from that, I get it. My heart goes out to you, Gracie; I've lived in a house divided and it's awful. I cried most days, was fearful of my DD25, couldn't wait for her to get out of my house.

With time, and with the tools and skills we learn here, relationships with our BPD children can improve. It won't be overnight, it won't be easy, and nothing is guaranteed. It must start with us and you've made an important first step by posting here.

What are you struggling with the most at this time? We can work on solutions together here, we've got you.

~ OH

[Gracie Hall]

I am struggling with 2 things but foremost is how I have been falling apart.  I have never dealt with anything like this and the stress / anxiety are getting me.  I have lost a little weight due to lack of appetite and always have a sick stomach.  I went to my primary and he gave me Ativan to help settle my mind so I can sleep as I am thinking about the worst case  scenario. I have been feeling pretty good today then I come home and my son who sleeps until 11:00 is back in bed at 4:00 because he says he is tired.  I offer that he could go outside and get some sun and a little exercise to help him not feel so  lethargic but it’s happening.  He also wants to be up all night and has not interest in getting on a schedule to help his body out.

I am learning you cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves.  He is an online college student enrolled in 4 classes and I hope he can manage those.  I would love to see him take up a parttime job but my hopes are not high for that.

[once removed]

do you think youre struggling with depression as well? 70% of our members arrive here in a state of depression.

do you think your son might also be? depression has thrown my sleep schedule off in the past.

[Gracie Hall]

I do not think I am suffering from depression and I am sure he must be feeling depressed.  We was a top scholar who went to college out of the area.  He always wanted to get as far away as possible.  He went to a college that offered enough incentives that school would have been free.  He did not get to go to the out of state college he wanted to go to so he has always been respectful of that.  He went and managed to finish the first semester with dropping one class.  Near the end of the semester he was baker acted for attempted/suicial thoughts.  He never let us know he was struggling so much.  I am sure all of this was escalated by the breakup of his girlfriend as well.  He has had a lot come down on him but I am not able to help him as he sees me as the emeny thinking I caused his BPD

[Harri]

Hi Gracie.  Thanks for sharing more.

It is so hard when we are blamed for things and also have to watch someone we love make really bad choices about helping their self get better.

Like Only Human said, things can get better but it takes work and commitment.  You can focus on you though.  We also offer communication tools and strategies that can help you improve things at your end when talking with your son.  Not that you are doing anything wrong.  For example, sometimes what we say comes off as invalidating to a pwBPD (person with BPD) even though we are trying to do the exact opposite.  None of the strategies are intuitive and often seem contrary to logic but when you learn them they make sense and can help considerably.  Your changes will not change your son but you can lead by example.

In the meantime, trying to absorb your sons's diagnosis and dealing with your own grief about it can be all consuming and that is where self care come into play right now.  Sometimes that means allowing yourself to sit with your feelings and grieve for a bit.  You have been reaching out to us here which is good.  Are there any other people you would feel comfortable talking with?  Maybe not even to talk about your son but maybe go for a walk with or get some coffee?  Watch a movie?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gracie Hall]

I do have a friend I can talk with who is understanding of the situation and a great listener.  I am working hard to balance home life as I am married and also have a 15 yr old son. I walk my dog every morning and that is a very relaxing time for me.
Every morning starts with an upset stomach and diarrhea but is from me thinking about where we are now.  Yesterday my son stayed in bed until 11:00 and then took 2 naps between 1:00 and 6:00.  He said he sleeps to not be bored yet he is not able/willing to do anything to fill his time. As you all know it’s very frustrating and very sad for all of us.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Gracie Hall

I can relate to much of what you have written except that my son is undiagnosed, however he knows that there is something wrong and he blames me for it. When my son used to live with us he used to stay up practically all night and sleep most of the day. We didn’t know about BPD at that time and we thought that his body clock was just out of sync.

It must be really hard for you, having a 15 year old to consider too.

I am pleased to hear that you have a friend who understands and who you can talk to. I’m sure walking your dog brings you great comfort too. I tend to just let my mind wander whenever I’m out with my dog, I find it great for processing difficult thoughts. Do you walk your dog later in the day too? The reason I ask is because I often used to walk my dog with my son, my son actually usually held the leash. As a suggestion, do you think that you might be able to persuade your son to join you, if you find a time when he is up, to walk the dog? Or maybe you have already tried that? It is difficult I know and there is no easy answer. My heart goes out to you 

FB x

[Gracie Hall]

I have offered for him to go walking with us but we go in the morning so he says no. There is a gym here offering $10 monthly memberships and I shared that information with him but no interest there either. Trying to keep the balance with my other son it is hard to go in the evening because of soccer activities and soccer.  And yes he is jealous of his little brother.  He procives that brother gets everything and he did not.  It seems they do not like each other so I also have to work to keep the 15 yr olds mouth and comments in check.  My 19BPD
son has very few friends which makes for to much free time and I think that is a bad thing.  Would love for him to find a parttime job but that is easier said the then.  You just donypt walk into a business and ask if they are hiring, now everything is an one line application, nothing personal about that.  He needs to work. Especially since  he LOVES to buy things and will be broke in 6 months.  Maybe he needs to hit the bottom so the only way left to look is up, I just don’t know.

[Only Human]

My heart goes out to you, Gracie,

It is so difficult to watch as our children struggle. I hear you on the online application thing - long gone are the days of walking into a business and selling yourself to them.

You said your foremost struggle is how you're falling apart and it's no wonder you are, you've got a lot going on right now. I probably don't need to tell you this, as you probably already know, but losing weight, anxiety, diarrhea, are all physical manifestations of mental/emotional pain.

Lollypop started a great thread about self-care and I'd like to share it with you:

Better self care. The first post includes "The Happiness Test," and I found it very interesting to see that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was!

Thanks for continuing to share and seek support. We may not have all the answers but we can listen and I've found that typing it all out helps me.

~ OH

[Gracie Hall]

So for some reason I have forgotten to mention the lies. I mean lies about every little thing, so unnecessary  He is a night owl and just told us he was going to the high school to run the track.  I just checked is phone location and he is 35 minutes away on the other side of town.  He has put 19,400 miles on a car in 7 months! I think he drives to clear his head but I am concerned my might not be a cautious driver

[once removed]

why do you think he might lie about that?

what other sorts of lies?

[Gracie Hall]

He tells lies all the time.  I think he gets a thrill from it.  He has even mdde comments about being a good liar and thinks he knows how to manipulate other people.  I am sure he lies to us because he thinks we are trying to interfere in life. He lies a lot when he is going out about where is off to. Maybe I should stop asking him where he is off to when he goes.  The out the door at 10:00 pm and home at 3:30 makes me a wreck

[Gracie Hall]

So I have been trying to real myself in and not let myself get so wrapped up what the future might hold but it is so hard for me.  I am learning that I have the fault of being a worry wart.  I need help learning to live in the moment!  My son has been sure to let me know that he feels everything that has happened to him in my fault and that I was a terrible parent.  He was loved as a child, supported by us in scouts, soccer, school... .He never liked being parented and as he got older would always question why instead of doing what was asked or told.  Maybe we could have been better with communication but he was never abused physically or emotionally. 

Now as a 19 yr old in my home I have to try and not parent, give my option or say anything that might be precived as negative. How do I let go?

[Only Human]

Hi Gracie Hall,

I'm a worry wart too. I sometimes quip, "I can go from a headache to a brain tumor in 2 minutes flat." But it's not funny at all. I have to be very mindful to not work myself up into despair by my worrying. I'm so sorry you're also a worry wart, I know the torture it can bring.

I'm short on time at the moment but wanted to let you know you're not alone in wondering how to let go. Feeling Better started a thread here, "How do you cope with letting go?" that you might find helpful. A lot of good insight posted by members here. Here is a link:

How do you cope with letting go?

It's great that you recognize your need to let go with your DS, and I'm glad you reached out for support in doing so.

~ OH

[Enjoysnooker]

Hi Gracie Hall,
I want to add my compassion as I read your story. Although my children are now 33 and 28 (the eldest uBPD), I want to say you are not alone. I wish there was a definitive answer to the "how" of things but for me, over the years, the process has been a gradual realization that the only things I could really choose were my own choices. Small little things. I reject the notion that "you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child." I do. I believe you can find joy in life even when faced with many of the heart-breaking things people here face (and people everywhere).
Re depression. One person once said to me (and I say this to you from reading what I hear from you), "You're not depressed, you're DISTRESSED." Boy, that helped me. I hope it is of some use to you.
I am glad you walk the dog. Moving your body will help with all the stress. There is so much excellent information on this site. Know that you are not alone in this.
 Enjoysnooker (I should have picked a better name I think, oh well)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Here's a fun song, by Jason Mraz, that I clung to when I finally decided to stop beating myself up for all the mistakes I made parenting my children.

Living in the Moment

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me
So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment
I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live in my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more
By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Oh, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment

[Gracie Hall]

How I hope to one day feel the way the song feels.  I have been a little better in the way I am feeling.  I am still having a hard time with sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night and my mind starts racing 90 mph as soon as I opens my eyes.  Eating is also hard as my stomach says it’s hungry but nothing really settles very well, sticking to a bland diet while still cooking for the family.  I have lost at least 10 lbs souls from not being able to eat well.  I also have really bad dry mouth which I believe to be from the stress/anxiety and I have tried so many over the counter remedies which easy it for a short time and then it’s right back.

I realize that most of what I am posting is about me and not my bps son but until I find a way to calm/help myself I am of little help to him. Not that he thinks he wants my help!

[Gracie Hall]

Bad news, the therapist told me that it is obvious that he is lieing at his sessions, that he is manipulative, a narcissist and she hopes he makes it through his 20’s... .I imagine soon he will start getting confused about who he told what to and start confusing himself.  Had to tell him that his college was pulling his scholarship for not fulling the credit hours requirement but it didn’t seem to faze him.  Not sure he understands that he will have to pay back the money, this is going to get scary!

[Enjoysnooker]

Think of your coping tool box. Trite as it sounds, a day at a time. Stay hydrated. Breathe in the good, breathe out the bad. Talk to the dog. Get outdoors. Sleep.
My sister once said to me, "Hey, take my advice! I'm not using it!"
I am thinking of you with compassion.
Enjoysnooker

[smallbluething]

I realize that most of what I am posting is about me and not my bps son but until I find a way to calm/help myself I am of little help to him. Not that he thinks he wants my help!

I'm a newbie here Gracie but got a lot out of the book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells. This book talks about doing things (eg learning skills etc) in the right order and the *first* thing it talks about is self care so you are absolutely right to focus on looking after yourself first. It is essential.

Thanks so much to Only Human for sharing the threads on self care and letting go and the 'Living in the moment' song. I found the Letting go thread really useful and the Self-care one, which i hadn't seen before is great too. I hope Gracie that you can find some nuggets of wisdom in them too.

[Only Human]

I am still having a hard time with sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night and my mind starts racing 90 mph as soon as I opens my eyes. 

I remember when this was happening to me, Gracie, and it's awful. Are you able to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and replace them with something else?

Many years ago, before I had children, I found myself unable to sleep or stay asleep because of my thoughts. I'm not sure where I heard about this technique, but I've shared it with friends and family and they've told me it helps them too - so I'm sharing it with you 

When I can't go to sleep, or back to sleep, because of my thoughts, I lie still and focus on my breathing. The technique I learned suggested that I connect my breathing to a word that describes what's happening to my body. For example, when we breathe in, our chests go up; out, and our chests go down. So, as you breathe in, think, "up," when you breathe out, think, "down." I never got the hang of this and instead used "in... .out... .in... .out... ." and I drew the words out for as long as the breath took, "iiiiiin... .oouut... ."

Our brains are only capable of holding one thought at a time and when that thought is negative, it's easy to follow it down the rabbit hole. By thinking, "up/in... .down/out," you're replacing whatever thought that's causing distress.

The next thing is to acknowledge when my thoughts start wandering. I do this by thinking, "wandering, wandering, wandering," as many times as it takes to get back to, "up... .down... .up... .down."

It may sound silly, and it even felt silly when I first did it, but it works for me. Maybe it will work for you?

I also have really bad dry mouth which I believe to be from the stress/anxiety and I have tried so many over the counter remedies which easy it for a short time and then it’s right back.

Are you staying hydrated?

until I find a way to calm/help myself I am of little help to him.

You are right about this, Gracie, and wise to recognize it. Posting here is a good way to work through these things and I'm glad you're here.

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Hi Gracie,

Bad news, the therapist told me that it is obvious that he is lieing at his sessions, that he is manipulative, a narcissist and she hopes he makes it through his 20’s... .

How did this make you feel Gracie?

I realize that most of what I am posting is about me and not my bps son but until I find a way to calm/help myself I am of little help to him. Not that he thinks he wants my help!

Gracie, this is a support group for parents and you are right to post about you and what you are going through. As you quite rightly say, you will be of little help to your son until you have first helped yourself 

OH has given you some great tips on getting to sleep. Breathing is the key and the type of breathing she has outlined is also done in meditation. You have to concentrate on the breath and as soon as you feel your mind wandering just bring it back to the breath. I tend to do in/out just like OH says she does. I so hate it when I can’t sleep and this really helps. This can also help during the day if you feel that you want to calm your mind. Just find somewhere peaceful and breathe, it doesn’t take long to do. I also remember reading a post a while back when a member was struggling to sleep and someone mentioned using a breath  counting method so I just googled it. It’s called the 4-7-8 method. Basically, you exhale through your mouth then breathe in through your nose for the count of 4, hold for the count of 7 then exhale through your mouth for the count of 8, making a gentle whoosh sound when you breathe out. Repeat 3 times and you’re done! I’ve never tried this myself, but I might give it a go tonight 

FB x

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked.  It is continued here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333841.0