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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Author Topic: I'm starting therapy alone just for me. They "specialize in BPD"  (Read 263 times)
Sandb2015
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« on: February 06, 2019, 04:23:53 PM »

After trying so hard to find someone in network and the run around, sometimes sales tactic, I spoke with a wonderful woman on the phone and I'm going Monday. I'm stuck "out of network", it's money well spent.

I searched as a non for someone that specializes in BPD and she completely sees the non is the the traumatized one which I am.  I'm such a strong person mentally and physically, really strong mentally and I'm having panic attacks and I can't control them.  Many therapists were skeptical over the phone also.

I should have done this weeks ago, today is my birthday and I'm giving the most welcomed gift I can.


My love sent me a text today "Happy Birthday", I responded, "Thank you have a great day", I sent another asking how she was feeling, she's pretty sick, no response.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 05:59:34 PM by once removed, Reason: removed real name for confidentiality » Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Red5
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« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2019, 05:52:21 PM »

I’ve done the same thing, it was about fifteen years since I sought out any form of counseling for myself.

I started with just a regular counselor but after a few visits realizing I needed a bit more experience in the “field” so I looked for and found another, whose practice actually provides for bpd, and as well CBT/DBT for clients.

I wanted to know all I could about my ubpdw’s suspected borderline disorder...

I’ve been to see this counselor about five times now, and I am understanding more and more about my wife, and our marriage and the role I’ve played over the eight years we’ve been married, and as well going all the way back to dating totaling eleven years.

My wife and I separated back in December ....

Seeing a counselor -therapist on our own, as “Non’s” is very crucial to our journeys... in order to stay grounded in the relationships... or else to heal and move on if the relationship should end.

Safe travels Sandb2015,

Red5
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2019, 06:15:28 PM »

Thanks Red5,

I knew from this board that the study of BPD is slowly becoming significant as opposed to other mental disorders and some therapists may not want to deal with it or prefer other specialties, that is understandable.  I searched and spoke to someone that knew exactly what I was talking about.

I did get my love to go maybe 7 or 8 months ago and the "counselor" totally screwed up and it turned into a back patting session saying nothing was wrong, on the second visit, the "counselor" said she's leaving for 7 weeks.  My love shrugged and said, see, even after she did recognize something was wrong and put her faith in a "counselor". F"ing disaster.   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)

Most insurance will not get you into the specialist you need and sitting with a "counselor" could worsen the issue by reinforcing what the pwBPD thinks they know, I knew I didn't have a problem, it's my guy that has issues. Being cool (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)
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Steps31

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« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2019, 07:17:02 PM »

I'm glad you're getting therapy and giving your well-being priority.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2019, 11:51:40 AM »

Thanks and good afternoon Steps31,

I'm rtying to get calmer, I'm realizing I'm having panic attacks when I text and project a response.  That projected response is associated with the fear I would encountyer when I would see her mood start to change and the impending doom on the horizon.

I've been chasing her to stay relevant, I don't even know if it's working, I get a little something good and mostly to stay away.

Someone close told me that I fear that giving her space will lead to a permanent space.  I know she is struggling, I'm probably struggling more and not coming to any understanding that these feelings, ideas, paranoia, FEAR are not going away with sleep and eating well.  I keep getting myself stuck on a hamster wheel.  If my love has a "turn around", thoughts to reconnect, acting enough to explain what we could do to be together in a healthier way, better, I will be grateful.

The hamster wheel isn't helping, can't and I need some help.  It's not the step I'm taking, It's making sure I'm with the right therapist.   
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Steps31

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« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2019, 01:59:29 PM »

I've told myself that in order to truly love someone, you have to get over them first...

Meaning you have to let go of the obsessive feelings and wants and needs of them. That is unhealthy attachment in my opinion. You have to let it go, let it die...
You know the saying "If you love something, set it free"?

After you surrender to this, that bad energy leaves, and a lot of times you find each other again, but this time you're more whole and the energy has shifted.
That's been my experience anyway.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2019, 02:33:06 PM »

I appreciate your opinion,

I have totally reevaluated my wants and needs, my expectations are realistic knowing what I know now.  I do love her, not blindly, not without myself.  There is trauma involved with having a rs with someone with unBPD.  Letting it die is ignoring the potential and my own heart and mind will continue until there is no possibility of a window, now or later.

If you love someone, set them free.....................poetry that works well with healthy minded people, especially mature people.

I'm not giving up hope, keeping in touch, stepping away from potentially smothering her.

While I'm making the effort, I've sought counseling because this rs has caused me to be turned around due more to the "inside me" than the outside.

I can get healthier, more equipped, I exist, she exists also, to what extent, we don't know.


I may sound like a bunch of excuses, I know this has seriously messed me up. This forum site exists because of it.

I have a clear enough perspective, I just can't shake what this is done to me.
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Steps31

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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2019, 06:21:15 PM »

Perhaps "let it die" was too strong.
I'm not trying to give a run message here...
More-so the attitude of Let it be... and then be open to all possibilities.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2019, 08:21:13 PM »

Thanks Steps31,

I would be giving the same advice, similar words with greater intensity to someone that I cared for with malice.

If I could control anything, I would move mountains.

Right now I’m giving up the control I couldn’t let go of.

I may get to spend my life with my love healthier, not perfect, just so much better for both together and individually.

I may never have that and it’s not going to be for lack of trying.

I popped up last night and got blasted because seeing me reminds her of my exes or the idea of them, so real to her.  She said her story of my past more realistic to her, she took off badly and texted me a simple “happy birthday “. No response since. I will give her a little more space.

I’m looking forward to therapy on Monday.

I will share because I have nothing to feel shame about, anonymous or not and I want people  to learn something about the process that haven’t experienced it.

Btw, I was set to go to her job when she was leaving tonight,? I didn’t.
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2019, 07:42:32 AM »

Sandb2015 Well thats good news and money well spent.
Hope u get better my friend.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2019, 09:49:29 AM »

Thanks FJM,

Getting better......................

What is it?  Getting better means I'll have the opportunity to reconnect, some days I feels so negative, but still retain some hope.  She is so angry or that's just what my take is.

None of this is healthy, I know.  I get very negative, sometimes angry like a child and I still have the hope.  I feel like her lack of contact or anger that she exhibits having nothing to do with reality (her vision of my special past that she sees as so much more meaningful that what we were experiencing, yuck, I regret my past and do not have fond memories) is something she is so stuck on and that is mostly what she goes on about during dysregulation, episodes, mood, whatever we need to call it.

I have had under active thyroid for 10+ years, it was perfectly stabilized with synthroid, my latest test shows it in the opposite direction, could be stress???

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)


She envisions me being sooo happy in the past, she has envisioned me having sex with an ex, being over the top content with these past woman, thinking of me having sex with other women while we make love.  She wants me to go back to them she insists I'm better off with them, the source of happiness.  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)


Can anyone give me their take on this please, I'm so open to suggestions here, I know I shouldn't take the words as concrete---------I don't know how to decipher??



I know I have to get better no matter what for me.
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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2019, 11:05:03 AM »

I did get my love to go maybe 7 or 8 months ago and the "counselor" totally screwed up and it turned into a back patting session saying nothing was wrong, on the second visit, the "counselor" said she's leaving for 7 weeks.  My love shrugged and said, see, even after she did recognize something was wrong and put her faith in a "counselor". F"ing disaster.   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)

a few things can happen with couples counseling or therapy.

the first is that the therapist or counselor can often suss out which of the two needs a little bit of extra validation. they do it to build trust.

the second is that one or both parties will often go in seeing the other party as the source of the problems/conflict and expect the counselor or therapist to see it this way and start tackling that. for example, even now, to some extent, you are seeing a professional based on the validation that you are the aggrieved party in this relationship.

Can anyone give me their take on this please, I'm so open to suggestions here, I know I shouldn't take the words as concrete---------I don't know how to decipher??[/b]

what is the current status of the relationship? i know she wants space, but are the two of you officially together?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sandb2015
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2019, 11:44:50 AM »

Thanks once removed,

We never went to "counseling" together, she sought it out after we had a connected discussion and she didn't want to feel how she was feeling, she knew it was wrong, not right, impeding our rs.  She did it after my nudging and it turned out miserably as stated.

I'm going to therapy Monday for me.  I as stated, I have a plan if we connect in such a way....to get her to get help.

I know we are connected, I know she is struggling, I don't think we are having a relationship, her push is severe at times and reaches out to me with anger at times.  She wants me to "go back" to some ex and she said she is moving on.  One hour before, we were sitting talking like friends, confiding in each other.

I'm not even knowing what "together means".  I have run to her with very mixed reactions, 4 days ago the anger and fixation on an ex, any ex I've had and I'm better with one of them (inconceivable).  She doesn't reach out to me and she makes it clear that she wants to move on.

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« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2019, 04:04:09 PM »

I am in therapy just for me

I am also making her more satisfied after researching and improving my cullingness technique.

It makes a huge difference for her.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2019, 04:12:19 PM »

This relationship with my love brought out the scared child inside me I had such a handle on throughout my  life.  The gas lighting, the codependency, the fear of the cut............I now what it is after a crisis -like self analysis.  This intimacy lead me to get close enough to get hurt which I am gratful for to realize there is more to me than a scared child with a wall around me, she took that wall down through BPD or love, that's important.

I kick myself in ways I didn't think my legs could move I didn't find this site before................

We were closer than either one of us have been to anyone else in a rs, it reeked havoc.  She is running as far as possible and fighting this intimacy and the meaning of it and the (fear???) associated with it.  I'm holding on.

I told someone that knows us both, I know my heart is beyond huge and there's still more breaking to happen.  This extremely diplomatic person with a true zen perspective said I will follow my heart, I will.

I will not follow it blindly and essentially be back where I was to accept how I've been treated and enable her with codependency.  I know as she is running, she stutters, stops, thinks and runs again.

I know the "responsibility" is hers to want to repair, help herself, I do share responsibility also and will not forsake it and say f it.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2019, 06:13:44 PM »

a few things can happen with couples counseling or therapy.

the first is that the therapist or counselor can often suss out which of the two needs a little bit of extra validation. they do it to build trust.

the second is that one or both parties will often go in seeing the other party as the source of the problems/conflict and expect the counselor or therapist to see it this way and start tackling that. for example, even now, to some extent, you are seeing a professional based on the validation that you are the aggrieved party in this relationship.

what is the current status of the relationship? i know she wants space, but are the two of you officially together?

I am well aware of what I've read here that if we get the chance, I will be the once to get punced on in order to show trust between her and the therapist, she does need validation and I of course will assume the role required in order for progress..............that's no problem at all.

Thank you, I just understood what you're say..............having a mixed up day.
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Red5
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Red5


« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2019, 10:16:10 PM »

Excerpt
I am well aware of what I've read here that if we get the chance, I will be the one to get punced on in order to show trust between her and the therapist, she does need validation and I of course will assume the role required in order for progress..............that's no problem at all

I would gladly do the same, but at the moment any hope of any type of counseling / therapy for her is a remote chance, a long shot.

Currently our Pastor has offered to help, she did text him back .... I don’t know what she said to him .... but I am hopeful .... we’ve been superated since 1 December,

Today she told me over the phone that we should just get divorced for “tax purposes”.... so I did what my “T”’told me to do, I went up to thirty thousand feet.... it worked, for now.

Red5
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2019, 11:53:57 AM »

Thanks Red5,

She rocked me with some communications with my ex for no reason yesterday and than threatened to call the police if I pop up.

Check-Is she having a breakdown thread..........................

I mean I don't know what to expect anymore.

The therapy is for me, I know.  As a human being who truly loves her, I have to understand she is running for her life to distance herself from me at any cost.  That is the core of the pain loving a person like this.
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Red5
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Red5


« Reply #18 on: February 09, 2019, 01:10:03 PM »

Excerpt
That is the core of the pain loving a person like this.

I was asked last week by T, ...”so why would you want to go back to that Red” (bpd behaviors), I replied ... “I love her Major Tom...I feel responsible for her ... and if, through our pastor ... she was channeled into therapy ... and with the tools I’ve learned ... and as well the last eleven years of experience in being in a relationship and marriage with her, I know it wouldn’t be at all easy, ....but I feel like I could handle it”.... he replied .... “you seem to have your mind made up Red”...

Several weeks ago, her daughter (D33) as much said the same thing to me, “why would you want to go back into that kind of relationship” ...

There is a thread on ‘conflicted’ about this ...

Hope you are doing well today Sandb2015,

Kind Regards, Red5
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #19 on: February 09, 2019, 01:24:23 PM »

Thanks Red5, double to you.

I'm not doing good any day it seems.  Very few people "on the outside could possibly comprehend" the connection, the need.  I have hope Red5 that years will pass and I will still have her in my life knowing the trouble will exist.

I imagine in other circles, I would be labeled as the ill.

I'm broken up BUT not afraid.  I'm not afraid of therapy either, I can't wait.

Scott
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Red5
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Red5


« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2019, 01:43:02 PM »

Excerpt
I'm broken up BUT not afraid.  I'm not afraid of therapy either, I can't wait.

I’ve been going to therapy (talk) since August ... don’t know why I’ve waited so long ... perhaps I was afraid of her “finding out”.

Once you get past the first couple of initial visits ... in which you will invariably vomit everything out onto the floor of the T’s office ... the great purge I called it ... then you need to set a few short - medium - long term goals ... what do you hope t accomplish ... other than the typical “ fix her - fix me - live happily ever after “ line...

Don’t be afraid to go back into your past and “unpack”, troubleshoot the wiring and software loads so to speak ...

As in, you won’t ever be of any use to her unless you get your own head gear flushed out first ....

In my own journey ... there are many other facts - factors that played their own roles in our dysfunctional and now failing marriage ... not just her undiagnosed bpd, and perhaps npd as well.

Be patient with yourself ... and as well her ... it’s a marathon ...not a sprint to the life boats from here.

You may have already told us, but how long have you been with her, are you two married or in a long term relationship?

Red5



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Sandb2015
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« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2019, 02:09:36 PM »

Thanks Red5,

4 years on 3/19.

Not married, had a young teenage son I was getting close with as a goal and that deteriorated also, I see that they were bad when I moved in and I was a buffer (great for 2 years for both of us and mom was a little jealous), I know now that I'm out for 7 weeks now, it will fall on him, he's 17 and is so much more vulnerable than me and he was already down the track when I showed up.  He will most likely post here someday or someone may post about him, negative but true.  I was encouraging him and praying he would go to college out of state to find healthy cycles, mom wants him close.

I'm not afraid of therapy and I know the surface of my issues, looking forward to pucking, I've been doing it myself and confronting the most painful times in my past instead of glossing over them and making it "neat" for packing.

I thought I was one of the most patient people I knew, maybe that's why I was able to deal with my love and be abused, abandoned as I've been.

I have to use that patience for something else now as you've said.  That's going to be tough.  I need to fix me.  I know I can't fix her, I want her forever and it's so close, I can't have her open HER eyes.  I know love isn't the power to change how she sees me and herself, It may be the power that she knows something is wrong and sees the disconnect/connect between us.

I ruminate and it's wearing me out, I know so much and so little at the same time.  I theorize that her absolute lack of empathy may be a little more than suspected.

Scott

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Red5
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« Reply #22 on: February 09, 2019, 03:58:31 PM »

How dynamic was the relationship?

In that did you too fight and disagree allot ... were you on the silent treatment (ST) a lot?

Mine used to really dysregulate and color anyone black including family of origin (foo), her own adult children, coworkers....  and especially me.

She would dysregulation to the point of destructive rage (bpd rage)....yell, scream, call names, throw stuff, break things  .... and for years after we married, I joined in... attempted self defense ..... what that is called justify argue defend and explain (JADE)......  boy did I, which only exasperated the situation.

The cycle between meltdowns was about eleven days.... that’s right, about every two weeks it was the “end of the world and I hate you”....

I was married before .... for twenty one years .... I had three children of my own ..... two are out of the house and live independently on their own ..... S28, D26.....  my oldest is an autistic .... he lives permantly with me ...he is 32, development mentally delayed at about age 6-7 ish, .... and she grew over the years to have zero patience with him ..... culminating on November the 15th with physical altercation in which she slapped him and punched him in his head ..... seems he has been in his bathroom a little too long that morning ... there is way may to the story which I won’t go into here .....

Anyways, we obviously had a huge fight resultant ..... and she moved out ....

Tough stuff ....

She has got to get some help, emotional or mental abuse is one thing ....  but physical is a no go ....

And to add to all this, she was diagnossed with stage four cancer about four years ago.

I’m fifty three next month, she is fifty two .... she was also married before ..... for twenty years .... she has two adult children who live many state lines away now,

I met her in 2007, we married in 2011, then the other shoe really dropped .... as they say, somewhere in 2016, I started to a actively try to understand ‘why’..... we were clashing .... fighting..... over seemingly nothing ..... most times I seemed to never see it coming .... anger anger anger .... punish punish punish .... ugh,

The first stop was bipolar .... then histrionic.... then a few others .... borderline seemed to explain what I was experiencing ....

It’s been pretty tough ... I got completely lost in it all, .... thought I was gong crazy .... I gave up, and just became her caretaker ....

I could have gone on like that for a long long time ....  but when she went after my autistic son, I held my boundary .....which infuriated her, she screamed at me.... “so what I punched him out ..... he deserved it .... I’m done I’m leaving”....

Long story man..... long ..... I too am broken now,

I love her even still, and I miss her .... isn’t that crazy ?

She has always refused any therapy .... profusely refused ....

But now our Pastor is involved and has offered her counseling .... she seems to want to,  but I can’t be sure, we shall see, must be patient .....

She is still extremely angry .... and it’s ALL my fault the way things have played out ....she told me, “you are the biggest mistake of my life !!”

As you wrote ....
Excerpt
.... the core of the pain loving a person like this.

Red5

  
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #23 on: February 09, 2019, 04:37:58 PM »

Red5, thank you sharing.................

Married young for about 8 years, ended up as roommates and I thought that was marriage, hang in there.  Worked two blocks from WTC and lost everything while married, got back quickly and busted my but, bought a house (2 family for investment) bought another (3 family) with the equity from the first, lost my shirt and roommate during the real estate collapse. Started over again a year later with a woman and child for about 7 years, it fizzled, I found myself staying just for the child and left anyway.  Then the manipulator showed up, I was looking for company and saw me as a mark, almost pulled it off...............

I fell in love with my love after coming out of a 16 month long battle in criminal and family court, It was horrible, traumatizing and really felt strong after it was over because it was a strategic chess game in the end for a forced marriage (didn't happen thank god), pregnancy guilt baited where I was baited with a child I didn't want with guilt I couldn't handle.

I moved in with my love after about a year, heaven found us both and as we got closer, my problems with my ex and child became less and less acceptable, I wasn't fair to my love with disclosing how she would try to control me non stop using my son as a form of bait and my guilt drove me to lie about the contact between us, I hated her, hating anything to do with her and my love turned it around as still having an emotional connection ad infinitum. 

Every 2 weeks, same thing some blow up for a day or two, sometimes silent but always angry, sometimes thrown out, sometimes I said no, sometimes so volatile I had to go.  When I did I would come home after work or meet her at her's and she would act sheepishly and expect me to come home, I always did.  This happened countless times.

To make a long story short, I received a text from 2 exes ago saying her daughter tried to commit suicide and thought maybe I could help, I haven't had contact with her in may years and I had the same # for 20+ years, I never thought I would hear from her and didn't care.

That was the final straw for my love, a text from nowhere and until a few days ago, she said I should go back to her (2 exes ago) because she ruined our lives, (me and my love).

I feel like this is a grain of salt compared to everything that has happened.

Scott
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« Reply #24 on: February 09, 2019, 04:50:40 PM »

Let me be clear, I wasn't always honest, I hid stuff that I thought would eventually get better with my ex getting married and focusing on a new life as I was doing.  That didn't happen as I wished.

My livelyhood decreased significantly in the last 2.5 years which caused great stress on the household income and on my love and how her son was getting what he needed, that was terrible because it killed me that I was losing self esteem in the rs and myself and sometimes held against me because I was not holding up my part of the bargin.  I felt I was in a battle to keep my self esteem and confidence when I didn't have anything, I'm 51 a few days ago, tons of experience, and have been looking for a better job for almost a year, I thought if I can get back on my feet, contribute more as I wanted, my self esteem would come back enough, I know it would have.  I'm 51, living at my Aunt's house on a futon, missing my love, commuting 1 hr 30 mins a day to an area I never lived.

I am broken...................
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« Reply #25 on: February 09, 2019, 06:49:49 PM »

Red5,

You write in such a way I can feel what you are feeling, I don't know how much it helps, but when I am flipping from being alone in this and reading stuff here, your writing grips me and grounds me a little.

The world says, "what the heck are you doing"?.  Our speaking, thinking and feeling a unique love and humanity that isn't available to many in this world.

Some people say hope is the thing that prevents us from moving along, others say it is something that makes life the wonder it is.

I cry all day on and off, my job is terrible, my income has decreased 66% slowly over the last 3 years, living on a futon over an hour and a half in the opposite direction from where I lived with my love. I still attend mass in my "old" neighborhood to feel connection every Sunday after being asked not to go there anymore by her (we started going together because we thought it would do something, she won't go anymore) and usual see a "close" friend of hers, she hasn't a clue. I feel safe there and I cry during mass.  I won't contact her unless she contacts me now even though I drive one block passed the old place.  The thread about her having a breakdown was fairly extreme to me.

The hope I feel for my love is also connected to the hope I have that the world is a wonderful place.  It's one cup and I would truly lose myself if I started removing what hope is to me in my life, it gives, it doesn't take away, no matter what happens.

1) I hope there is a chance for us in a healthy way only.
2) I hope there is a chance for her to have a more fulfilling life.
3) Really#1, I hope I get better to live well and healthy in this life regardless of difficulties.
4) I hope I don't have permanent damage from this.

Thank you Red5,
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« Reply #26 on: February 09, 2019, 08:07:52 PM »

 Hey Sandb2015,

Wow, you’ve been through a lot Man, .... 911; .... quick story, I was still in my first marriage then .... year fifteen of twenty one .... we were stationed in Pensacola Florida .... I was on instructor duty, my wife at the time had a job as a paralegal .... and they had sent her to Washington DC to do case study work for a few weeks, so her firm offered up plane tickets for our three kids, if I wanted to fly up there for a weekend for us all to see the sights, so we did.

Of course they see all little then, S14 (autistic), S11, and D8, so we all flew out of P-cola to DC, via Atlanta .... arrived at Dulles .... spent the four day weekend with ‘G’ my wife .... and then flew back home, this time out of Reagan .... to P-cola via Atlanta ....

I’ll never forget that day, me and my three kids flew home on several Boeing aircraft ... from DC back to Pensacola, on September the 10th 2001..... the day before our world here changed forever ..... wow, still haunts me to this day .....

I too have “started over”..... after me and ‘G’ divorced in 2006, another long story ..... I became a single Dad, of three teenagers .... S20(autistic), S16, and D14..... I was still in the Marine Corps, and a newly promoted Master Sergeant, I got assigned to the Harrier training squadron here in Cherry Point, so this meant no more overseas deployments for a least three years .... since I’d just returned from WESTPAC with my old squadron, this would be ideal for my situation at that time .....

So it was just me and the kids ....’their’ mother had essentially checked out of life, and went off to be on her own, she had a whole host of emotional and mental issues stemming from early childhood abuse, we were married very young, and we had brought three children into the world together .... and managed to stay married for twenty one years .... which the last eleven were particularly bad, ..... long story ....

So life was somewhat peaceful, I had my new billet which I enjoyed ....  they assigned us quarters on the air station way on the backside of the air station right on the Neuse River .... the kids were thriving ....  among new friends .... we were going to church again  .... I even had a little garden out back .... we had our family pets from previous life..... it was secure ....’happy’ and we were alright considering what we had gone thorough after their mother had abandoned the family  ..... I should have left it the way it was..... but I started to date ....

Mistake .....

I had one serious gf between the divorce and meeting my current wife .... I was extremely naive, I knew nothing about personality disorders .... my first marriage had only taught me that if you had experinced childhood trauma that odds were you’d be a troubled adult and the you would ‘act out’..... hmmm,

The red headed divorced real estate agent I dated first, she was a fire cracker .... and a master manipulater .... she taught me a lot ... I was love carpet bombed .... I was easy prey ....  it was so good a feeling to be in a woman’s bed again .... wow!

It was hot and heavy for nine months, she would break up with me about every six weeks.... and love bomb me back again .... she wanted to get married and NOW!.... I was smart enough to not do this ..... sometimes she would take me along to her T sessions and as well Al-Anon meetings .....

She was something ! .... but quite troubled .... even I could see this in my early and naive state.... so she grew bored with me and moved on.

Then I met the future Mrs. Red5.....

I should write a damn book .....

So, ten years after my first divorce was final, 2006,  now then 2016  .... and once again in a very troubled marriage .... I had the ‘gumption’ to try and gain some kind of understanding as to why my love life seemed to be attracting me to these lovely but very troubled women ..... that was three years ago now... I registered here in January 2017.

It’s like I found an ‘enigma machine’ lying on the beach..... now it all ‘made some sense’ to me ....

Hang in there Brother Sand!

Keep posting !

Red5
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« Reply #27 on: February 11, 2019, 09:02:56 AM »

Hang in there sand.

You need to be in good health in all dimensions to take car of others.

You are doing the right thing getting help.
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« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2019, 03:16:24 PM »

Thank you, sitting in lot waiting....

Everything needs to be about me right now. I have so much hope for my rs. I need to have hope for me.

I will share my experience hear, I’m a hard nut to crack, I’ve built a perfect shell and mostly used it my whole life to hide, lock away pain, trauma etc that’s smacking me now because I fell deeply in love with someone that brought this stuff to the surface. I’m grateful for that, the love, the conflict.

I could have gone my whole life living inside a customized cocoon just floating at the surface.
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« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2019, 09:11:53 PM »

Today was good. Pretty much putting my cards on the table.

1) How I’ve maintained my codependency issues fairly well until I met my current along with the story of it.

2) Growing up in chaos and fear and finding, seeking it for comfort.

3) Current relationship causing me to question my own sanity.

I have a grasp onto what the issues are, can’t wait to exam the origin....

We’re all works in progress, some progress quicker than others.

I had an interesting day, some very unexpected time with my love before therapy and a very friendly call while eating alone and she questioned where I was so long and if I’m alone  Smiling (click to insert in post) funny, my first reaction, lie( children or alcoholics, good book), said I was driving around, then said no, started therapy, she didn’t react much and asked if it helped, I said I don’t know, I’m going to stick with it, not sure if this one is my speed, we’ll see. My love seemed friendly, aware, in tune and kind, on the phone talking about nothing at all, got off the phone nice and she called me back to tell me about the snow tomorrow, I had no idea and suggested I do something different than challenge myself in the snow and stay home, I normally bs and resist, she was right, I called off and she thanked me, strange days.

Seemed like
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