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Author Topic: Dating again--am I rushing into it?  (Read 735 times)
WindofChange
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« on: March 20, 2019, 02:17:26 PM »

Although the breakup with my exBPDbf only happened a few weeks ago, I have had a couple of dates with a man who has expressed interest in me from a distance for a few years now. We dated a few times last summer during the last time I was separated from my ex, and I really liked him then, but was still in love with my ex. He told me last summer when I got back with my ex to check in with him if I was ever free again to see where he was at, and since he wasn't dating anyone now, we decided to get together.  
I'm just wondering if it's a mistake to date so quickly. He's a nice, funny guy, Christian, has a steady income, and seems emotionally stable (<--sad that this is how I judge people as far as being okay to date).  I've told him I need to take it slow, as I'm not ready to jump right back into a physical relationship yet, and he says he understands (although he's made it obvious that when I'm ready, he's ready).  
I do genuinely like this man, and enjoy spending time with him. But I think I am also wanting to completely sever that bond I had with my ex, and that causes me concern. A couple of weeks ago, after we'd gone out, he kissed me good night and nuzzled my neck a bit--and I felt immediately so upset I was overwhelmed by it. After he left and I went inside, I cried uncontrollably. How weird is that? I just felt so sad and missed my ex so much, missed his touch, and I was so used to being with him that this felt really wrong, like a betrayal. We had such an intense, deeply enmeshed bond. I'm so conditioned to my ex's touch that this intimate contact, however brief, really triggered me in some intense way.
I've seen this man one time since and this time when he hugged me and kissed me good-bye, I didn't feel that way in the moment. I did feel weird about it later that night--still feels somewhat like I'm doing something wrong. I know we need to take things slow, but I'm wondering if it's fair to even see him when I obviously am still working through some feelings about my ex.
I did tell him some of the background of my relationship and explained that I was still processing feelings from the fallout, as well as telling him I wasn't ready for physical intimacy yet. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to continue the relationship.  He said he understood and that he's not bailing out. So...
I am still seeing my T, still journaling, got the book Codependent No More, although I haven't gotten past the introduction yet. So I'm still working on things, just seeing this man casually once a week or so. Would anyone want to offer their opinion?
« Last Edit: March 20, 2019, 03:40:58 PM by once removed, Reason: moved to from Detaching to Learning » Logged

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WindofChange
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2019, 02:36:47 PM »

I should add that I had been wanting to end things for the past 5 months or so, but was having a hard time taking the final step. So it maybe isn't quite as sudden as it seems. Just for clarity.
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2019, 03:14:26 PM »

I just felt so sad and missed my ex so much, missed his touch, and I was so used to being with him that this felt really wrong, like a betrayal

I can relate with that feeling I went on a date a year and a half after my ex left me for another man she had a r/s with him the last year of our marriage. It sounds weird but I felt guilty, I felt like I needed to be divorced to be able to move on completely.

The truth is I wasn't ready at that time so I waited and tried again later and I still wasn't ready. It wasn't until I met my current gf that I was ready to date - we've been together for just over a year and a half but I didn't have any reservations, feelings for my ex or guilty feelings it felt like it was time.

Maybe someone else will come along and say something different but if you ask me I don't think that you're ready right now.
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2019, 03:59:24 PM »

You said you are still working through your feelings regarding your ex.

This to me is a red flag because you are not over your ex.

When we try to move on when we are not ready we are just opening ourselves up to more hurt.

I would concentrate on YOU.
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2019, 04:52:49 PM »

I agree, WOC, you might be rushing this. Even with the five months leading to the breakup, it's obvious you are still in the midst of the grief and detachment process. A new relationship might be a distraction from your pain, but it isn't a good idea to use outside sources to fix something inside. That only comes from healing, and that takes work, time, and God's help, IMHO.

But truthfully, only you will know when you are ready. I would pay attention to your feelings and see if, deep down, you don't already know the answer yourself.

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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2019, 04:54:17 PM »

Excerpt
I do genuinely like this man, and enjoy spending time with him. But I think I am also wanting to completely sever that bond I had with my ex, and that causes me concern.

Hey WindofChange, I'm unclear about where things stand with your Ex.  How do you plan to "completely sever that bond" you had with your Ex?  When do you think this will happen?  I suggest you pay attention to your gut feelings about whether you are ready to date.  Maybe you're not ready yet, as Longterm and Mutt suggest, which is OK.  It sounds a little like you are putting undue pressure on yourself.  There's no timetable and everyone moves on at his/her own pace.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2019, 05:34:51 AM »

I guess I'm not really ready. The problem is I want to be ready, I want to move on. This man is a really good person and really funny and attentive. I want to be through with processing everything, I want to not still have feelings for my ex. When I think about him, I still feel sad. That connection was so deep, so intense (as everyone here knows). When I was with him, he was so vulnerable with me that I opened myself up completely to him, too. 
There are many reasons why it was best to end the relationship, and I do feel that it was the right thing to do. But...I still feel guilty sometimes and I still miss the good times, and the amazing connection when things were going well.  It does make me feel frustrated because I just want to be through this process.
You all make good points, and thank you. It's hard to hear but it makes sense.

Lucky Jim, I haven't seen my ex, but he has texted and called a few times. He finally told me I should block his number, because he wasn't able to keep himself from wanting to contact me. He told me he had a difficult session in therapy recently and that he cried a lot. Of course that stirs me up to hear it. He is a BPD waif (I suspected a while back and his T told him so recently). So his saying these things may be really how he feels, but telling me is also probably an attempt to pull at my heartstrings. And it works. I'm not going to see him, but it is hard to block his number.  Last year when we broke up, he was angry and attacking me verbally, so it was easy to do. Now, when he is just sad, I have a difficult time with it.
I appreciate your replies. Sometimes even when you know something deep down, it helps to talk through it with others.

Mutt, how much time passed between your relationship ending with your ex until you were really ready to date your current gf?

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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2019, 05:43:59 AM »

Lucky Jim, re: wanting to sever the bond with my ex, I just mean I am frustrated that I still think about being with him, I still miss the intimacy, and maybe my thought process is that I get involved with someone else that it will help me to break free of my feelings for him. Like a decisive cutting of ties. My T told me that when we make love with a person, it forms a soul bond, or tie. Well, I still feel that soul bond with my ex. I don't want to still feel it, I want it to be gone.
Many years ago, I dated my high school sweetheart for 7 years, through 2 1/2 years of hs and into college. It took me probably 3 years or more to get over that relationship. I don't want to go through 3 years (or more) getting over this one. Does that make sense? I know logically I can't rush through the process...yet I really want to. I'm 52 years old. I don't want to wait years. I hate that thought.
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2019, 11:31:29 AM »

Hi WindofChange, OK, that all makes sense to me.  I predict things will work out fine.  Keep listening to your gut feelings.  Maybe you could get together with the new guy from time to time as a friendship for now, until you process more of your feelings about your Ex?  It might help if you had a frank discussion w/him.  Suggest you strive to be authentic and operate from the perspective of what is right for you.

LJ
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« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2019, 01:16:47 PM »

Thanks for your response, LJ. It is very much appreciated. I've talked with him some about it. But your suggestion is a good one, to back off and just be friends for now. If he's not okay with it, well, I guess that will be that. But I do intend to strive to be authentic and do what's best for me, too.
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« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2019, 01:18:41 PM »

Yes, listen to lucky Jim.

You could be open and honest with this friend. If he knows where you stand and he is still happy to give you company/companionship then that is his decision.

Keep your chin up, I know how hard this is.
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« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2019, 01:59:47 PM »

Thank you, Longterm. I appreciate that. Yes, it's definitely hard. Ex has been contacting me via text. I am having a hard time taking the step to block him. He told me last night I should come and get some things I left at his apartment. It's nothing I can't do without. And I really don't feel strong enough to go and see him, as there has never been an issue with the physical attraction between us. Add the emotional ties that are still there, and it's probably best not to go. Which is what I told him. But part of me still wants to go. I keep thinking about it. But I told him I couldn't. I guess I should tell him to just throw the items away, or give them to Goodwill or something. He still has my microwave. He didn't mention giving that back to me, though, just the personal items.
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« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2019, 03:12:08 PM »

What would you do if your ex wanted to get back with you?
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« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2019, 10:53:47 AM »

Hi, WOC. It’s been a minute. Dating. God, I miss the feel and company of a woman. I have no way to describe it other than I’m not good at being alone. For me, personally, I have to be for a while because I have personal things to sort out. I don’t want to jump from relationship to relationship. I want to be solid with myself before allowing myself to be vulnerable to a woman.

There’s a saying that I’ve read here by a senior member. “We attract what we project”.

Time alone is hard for many of us. If we choose to be alone for a while, how are we spending that time? I’m curious about your thoughts.
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« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2019, 06:17:02 PM »

Hi Mindfried, he does want to get back together. And the answer is, I don't know for sure. I just don't see how it could work long term. My sons still don't approve of him (because of how hurt I was before, and because of his past unstable behavior), and my mother doesn't either. Now, my sons are both in college so they don't live with me. However, I moved back in with my mom a year ago when my ex and I split up the first time. When I started seeing him again last fall, she was pretty upset. I finally had to tell her it was my decision, and that all it did was upset me when she acted angry and hostile with me over it. I'm not 16, I'm 52. But it's hard to have a good relationship with family conflict going on.
My therapist has expressed reservations in the past because she says that since we are both such emotionally intense people, it can be hard to keep the relationship on an even keel.
I told my ex I don't know how I feel because I just don't see how it could work. When we're together, just the two of us, it's great. But you can't live your relationship life in a bubble.
As for the other man, he's a really nice guy in many ways. But I still have all these feelings for my ex. It isn't fair to him to see him just to try to force myself to get over my ex. I think even having a friendship where we see each other wouldn't work either. That might give him false hope that all it would take is time.
JNChell, lately most of my time alone is spent studying. Working full time with close to an hour commute each way, and then squeezing in time a few days a week to go to a (very) crowded gym, by the time I get home, have dinner, wash up, and then study or do homework for my class, it's bedtime. Today though, I went for a long walk at a nearby park that has woods and a large creek. I spent time there just doing my best to enjoy my surroundings and relax into the moment. I don't get enough of that kind of time in nature. Now that the weather's warming up, I hope to do that more often.
I get what you're saying about spending extended time alone, not in a relationship. It is so hard! That's probably another reason I was jumping into dating a new person. Even knowing I'm not ready, I wanted the companionship.
I was thinking as I was walking today about the saying you mentioned, "We attract what we project."  I have been thinking a great deal about striving to be completely authentic, and communicating with compassion and integrity with others, and to really try to see people as they truly are (without judging), and to strive for loving, friendly connections.  And I was thinking that if I can really achieve that, would that attract different people in my life? I think it's possible.
A long and rambling answer to your questions, Mindfried and JNChell. I'm not wordy in daily interactions with people, so here I guess I tend to pour it all out.  
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« Reply #15 on: March 24, 2019, 08:42:27 PM »

It's hard to have a good relationship with family conflict going on.] it's hard to have a good relationship with family conflict going on.

It is, and it will run people off. The men that you desire. How can you correct this?
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« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2019, 09:16:40 AM »

Hi WOC,

I am 54 years old had a 4 years roller coaster relationship with my exudBPD. As time went on my kids who are also off on their own did not approve of her after they observed all the emotional pain she caused me. I loved her deeply and when the relationship was great it was amazing but it was always short lived and the bad times began outweighing the good times. I could never plan anything and I was always walking on egg shells. It has been over 8 months now and I have reconnected with an old female friend from college and things have been going great with her. I still think about my ex but I am clearly in a better place. Less conflict and more peace. I fully understand what you are going through and the answer is in your heart. I know if my ex contacted me and wanted to get back I could never go back to that way of living again.
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« Reply #17 on: March 25, 2019, 10:28:38 AM »

JNChell, I don't know. My mom is very domineering, rigid and judgmental. The boys would be willing to be open-minded if I asked them to. Mom is just a difficult person. I've tried talking to her, but she absolutely refuses to change her viewpoint. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm living with her now, and while it has enabled me to save some money and to afford my classes so far, it is hard to have her know my comings and goings and to question me on where I go. She loves me and she is smart, funny, and affectionate. But the domineering ways are hard for me to deal with. Probably that's why I'm such a people pleaser, because growing up I did that to avoid her horrible temper.

Mindfried, I'm sure that was awful for you. I'm glad you're in a better place with someone else who makes you happy. My ex is going to therapy and is working on himself. But I know it can take years. It's just a lot to think about, I guess.
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« Reply #18 on: March 25, 2019, 12:10:55 PM »

Hey there, WOC. It will be hard to date while living with your mom. I think you know that. You’re feeling the pull for companionship. Am I somewhere in the ballpark? Girl, I’ve not felt a woman for a year and a half. I don’t just mean sexually, I mean all aspects of a female/male romantic relationship. It sucks and my primal needs are pulling hard. I’m not exaggerating what I’m saying. The thing is, is that I now know that I have to wait when it comes to potentially finding a significant other. If I were to get into a relationship right now, I would know that I’m not healed and the potential for bad things to happen are simmering on the stove. More pain and more headache.

Are you feeling lonely? It’s natural for us to want to be with another. I empathize with your feelings. I’m struggling with it, but I have to be ok if I want to end up with a woman that is ok as well.

Do you have a plan in place for getting out of your mom’s house?
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« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2019, 01:27:59 PM »

A year and a half! That has to be so difficult! How do you cope with it?

My original plan was to stay there until I finish my MSW program, which will be about a year and a half, so I wouldn't have to take out student loans. It is a good move financially for me...but I do feel like a child again living there. I think she's glad I'm there, too, and isn't resentful. But obviously there is a tendency to revert to the child parent roles. When I assert myself as an adult, she gets upset. She has backed off in the past when we were clashing over my seeing my ex again, and I told her I understood how she felt but it was my decision. But yeah, it is still hard. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I have to have any serious discussion with her. Mainly it's been anything to do with my ex, but also she's pretty forceful about asserting her opinion on everything to do with me or my sons (or the rest of the family as well, sister and nieces, etc.). It's just who she is.
I have wondered if it might be better to just take out the loans and get my independence back. I do miss having my own space. Her boyfriend lives there, too, and while I have my own separate bedroom and bathroom, it's still a little awkward sometimes. He's a good person, but it's hard to live there with the two of them.
I do feel lonely. And as much as I want to be, I'm not over my ex, not at all. He's contacting me telling me he misses me and that he is so sorry for all he put me through, and that he's working hard with his T on getting better, working through his childhood trauma and all of that. The pull is strong to give it another try. He was doing a little better when we got back together last fall, but still was struggling with being unemployed and with depression. And wanting me to be with him more, which is hard to do living with my mother. It's sad, that once he started telling me these things, any interest I had in the other man evaporated, poof! just like that. Makes me feel like a lunatic, honestly. My emotions are all over the danged place. 
I was staying the night once a week or so, but it was hard to deal with the tension when I would come back home. As for me and my own issues...I have been working with a T who has helped me quite a bit, but I feel I've gone as far as I can with her. She even seems unsure where to go from here, asking me if what she says is helpful, or if I'm finding the sessions helpful. The thought of starting over with another T...ugh.
 
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« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2019, 02:05:08 PM »

Yes. A year and a half. I’ll keep the details to myself.    what do you really want. You can talk about sexual frustration . Whatever you want. This is your space.
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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2019, 05:44:46 AM »

Lol, well okay, JNChell. I guess we all do what we gotta do sometimes!
Of course the physical intimacy is something I have missed. Sexual and just cuddling, hugging, kissing, all of it.
 If I can be open and honest, I have to admit that I saw my ex Sunday, and yes, we ended up in bed together. He swears to me he is trying very hard to get better. He had 3 job interviews last week so hopefully something will come of one of them. But...my mom and sons still don't like him. His argument is that if they see us together and see me being happy, maybe my sons at least would be more willing to accept him. He says I shouldn't live my life for other people. And he is right. But I do need an equal partner, someone reliable and able to hold down a steady job (a big struggle for him in the past).
And he isn't a Christian, has many issues with God because of what happened to him as a child, and because of the death of his infant son 11 years ago (born 10 weeks early, caught an infection in the hospital and died a month later).  I don't know what that's like, to lose a child. I pray I never do. And for a person like him, having gone through bad abuse, that had to hit him so, so hard.
But for me, that's a big part of who I am. (I won't preach about it, but just want to say I'm also liberal in my viewpoints and strive not to be a "judgy" person.) Not sure how it would work for us if he's set on wanting no relationship at all with God.
So...yeah, I have no idea what to do.
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« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2019, 06:36:47 AM »

Hey, WOC. I understand where you’re coming from. I miss the same things that you describe. I’m glad that you’re comfortable with being open here. Please be careful with how you interact with your ex. For both of you. I’m not judging by any means. If S4’s mom showed up at my door, I would throw her over my shoulder and go caveman on her. No joke. Just be careful because there are deep emotions involved from both sides.

Are you sure that you’re ready to date right now? As a man, if I knew that you had recently slept with your ex, I wouldn’t be open to that. Again, I’m not judging, just sharing some perspective. Like I said, I really don’t like being alone, but I owe it to myself and a potential partner to be alone with myself for a while. I need to get to know myself better for once. Does that make sense?

From reading your words, it doesn’t sound like you’re over your ex. That’s ok. It takes time and work. Be mindful and pay attention to what he’s doing, not what he’s saying. Are you ready to move on from him, or do you want to try to make it work again?
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« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2019, 10:53:52 AM »

JNChell, you make a lot of good points. I'd say I'm definitely not ready to date anyone. I wouldn't expect any man to understand me having sex with my ex! I haven't spoken to the other man for a few days, but intend to have a discussion and just explain that I'm not ready to get involved with anyone else.
As for my ex, obviously I still have feelings for him. But has anything really changed in such a short time? I doubt it. All of a sudden he's telling me how he's eating healthy and making smoothies and starting an exercise program (none of which he was interested in before). And he's telling me he had gotten discouraged about applying for jobs for a while but is now hard at it. Is this all for show? I really don't know. If he's sincerely trying to do healthy things for himself, I'm glad. But I hope it's not just to woo me back.
I think that, even if it will be harder financially, I need to move out of my mom's house. When I moved out of the apartment I shared with my ex last April, I was devastated by all he had put me through, the lying, the rages, the silent treatment. My mom offered her to let me live with her, so I did, then I worked on healing. But I miss having my own space.
When he and I started seeing each other again last fall, it is true that he was doing better in some ways, no more raging or ST, fewer jealous accusations. Of course, we have only been seeing each other once or twice a week...But he was still demanding more time with me than I was able to give, and he has still been struggling with depression and occasional emotional dysregulation. I did better with setting boundaries with him, but his depression was making me depressed and anxious.
Practically speaking, does it make financial sense to stay with a man who has had trouble keeping a job? Who has taken money from me and from his ex-wife? I don't think so. Part of me still holds out that hope that he really is getting better and will be that responsible, dependable man I want him to be...But have I just been holding on to an unrealistic dream? I don't know.
I think I have to tell him that while I still have feelings for him, I need to be by myself for a while. He can either accept it or not.
Your decision to be by yourself while you heal and work through things sounds like a good one. Can you tell a difference in yourself? Are you feeling better, feeling healthier? What are you doing as far as self-care? I think you mentioned seeing a T, is that correct? I'm just curious, looking for insight in how to deal with the being alone thing--something I haven't done for more than a few months in, oh, probably about 26 years...

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WindofChange
JNChell
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« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2019, 11:22:31 AM »

Being truthful, being alone doesn’t feel good. It has given me the space to process what needs to be processed. Going back, I miss the things that you described. Looking forward, I only have so much time on this Earth. I really want to make it count if I ever decide to put myself out there again. Not just for me and “her”. For S4 as well.

I can tell a subtle difference, but the feelings are still very strong. Self care is something that I’m not good at, but it’s being addressed. One thing I have done is changed what I eat. I’ve lost over 30 lbs. in the past year and a half by that alone. I wasn’t obese.

You still have feelings for your ex. That’s ok. You’re at a crossroads. There’s no time limit on being there. Put yourself first while negotiating the situation. Doing so will make you a very desirable woman when you put yourself out there. Put yourself first.
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« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2019, 08:56:19 PM »

That's how I feel about only having so much time on this earth, time with my parents, my family. Life is short. I don't want to mess up what's left of mine. I do need some time to figure some things out.

That's great that you are eating better, and have lost 30 pounds. Good for you! And you are obviously working through a lot as well, I gather. Yes, being alone sucks. So you have a 4 year old son? How is he doing?

I lost 20 pounds last year that I had put on because of being unhappy and stressed over the past few years. I started running and eating better to combat my anxiety. I can't run now, having some hip issues, but I'm still exercising and trying to eat healthy, and the weight has stayed off. And drinking much less. When things were their worst, I was drinking 2-3 bottles of wine a week sometimes. I slip up a little occasionally, but nothing like before. I guess that's the good part of being here at my mom's--I can't go through a bottle of wine when she's here. She would be so worried about me. Honestly, though, I have rarely felt like doing that, so that's an improvement.

I will think hard on your words about the crossroads, and the fact that there is no time limit on being there. I appreciate them.
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« Reply #26 on: March 31, 2019, 01:26:26 AM »

WindofChange   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I want to support your discussion with a few thoughts. 

I think it's good to hold out that you seem to have some thoughts from your intuition, and you pursue those thoughts, and arrive at quite satisfactory answer for yourself.   

Re 'am I rushing into it?'
I'd say I'm definitely not ready to date anyone.
[...]
As for my ex, obviously I still have feelings for him.

I think it takes guts to really do an investigation  like this. So I admire your courage.    For a lot of people it's very easy to end an intimate relationship and quickly move on without actually making any changes to their life. I think it takes a certain amount of courage, humility, and introspection to question one's role in a relationship. How can we expect a different type of relationship when we habitually do same types of things? So well done moving forward on improving your relational life.   

I'm alongside JNChell in sharing that I would be quite turned off with a partner who is having a sexual relationship with her ex.  My point here is not to judge or say why men may feel the way they do about this – but more to say that I think when you go away to work on yourself in order to avoid putting yourself in this kind of position then you're more likely to attract a wider range of intimate partners (probably healthier ones) in your life.

You start to convey things like a higher sense of self-respect; the ability to bring things you would like at the start of a relationship (reciprocally, you don't seem to want to entertain a man whom is still sleeping with his ex either). I do think working on these kinds of things will put you in a better position later on so I do think these are all good steps for yourself in the right direction.   
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« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2019, 11:13:40 AM »

Hi, Got Bushels. Thanks for your kind and encouraging response. I appreciate it. And I know I do still have work to do and you're right, I need to work on myself before rushing right into another relationship. I talked with the other man (sorry if I already mentioned this in a previous post), and I let him know I just wasn't ready for a relationship, that I still had unresolved feelings, and that I rushed into dating him without dealing with those feelings first. He wasn't happy about it as he had thought things were going well, and I apologized for my actions and for hurting him.
Yes, once I was intimate again with my ex, I knew that was that for the new relationship. That definitely changed things (including the whole direction of this thread), and you're right, I would Never expect any man to understand or accept something like that.
This hope that things could be different with my ex is so hard to quash. I have these talks with myself, I journal about it, discuss it with my T, read past journal entries, to remind myself of all the facts...and I still think, "Well, maybe this time will be different..."  Of course, he has told me this very same thing as well, that it will be different, that he's working hard to get better, that he could never love anyone else, I am "it" for him. All of that is...hard to ignore and turn away from.
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« Reply #28 on: April 01, 2019, 03:25:01 PM »

Hey WofC, Instead of listening to a narrative in your head about how things "will" be different at some indeterminate time in the future, what if you were to focus on where things are now?  I think using the present as your guide is a more reliable compass than gazing into the future, which may or may not play out the way you think.  In other words, what if you start with the Here and Now, and go on from there?

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2019, 03:54:19 PM »

Interesting idea, LJ. Here and now, he still doesn't have a job. He is continuing therapy, which is good. His apartment was slightly cleaner but still pretty awful when I was there. He still has nightmares so he sleeps a lot during the day. When not sleeping he's on social media or playing video games. He still is unreliable when it comes to making important appointments (forgot an important appointment with ex-wife about D7 and was 20 minutes late). Still a little reckless with the little money he does have. Still struggling with depression but he is trying to make a few changes. Still has a long way to go toward healing.
And for me, here and now, I'm taking classes, working full time, trying to exercise regularly and continue to eat (mostly) healthy. Looking for a church home, trying to broaden my horizons in other ways. Looking for an apartment so I can move back out of my mother's home. A year is long enough. I miss my solitude. Working to stay in regular touch with my sons (one away at college, one nearby), and other family. Trying to move forward, trying to grow.
You probably meant for me to ask myself this internally, but sometimes it helps to write it all out. I just tend to get swept up in the emotion and intensity with him...then reality intrudes again. It's not fair to him because it messes with his head as well, giving him hope. But we do it to each other, I guess.
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WindofChange
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