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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Jimievs
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« on: March 24, 2019, 12:24:34 PM »

So it's been 2 weeks nearly, I've been blamed, told I made her think she has a problem, made her drink more...
It's all hit me hard, I've tried to understand and bargain, lost my self respect, broke no contact had breadcrumbs, left confused by her messages, wondering if I'm now being used with her positive replies, found out she is going on a break with the guy she was chatting to, an old friend has been in the background for months after stating he wants a relationship with her, she's picked her stuff, but left loads? My sister was there and believes she was drunk, I've had how happy she is now
I'm living in false hope and feeling really void, my life seems empty, struggling to motivate myself, waiting for something from her.
Feeling better as the day goes on only to wake up and it start again
Just feel I'm going backwards, reproaching myself
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Jimievs
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2019, 12:31:56 PM »

The holiday hurts as we would of been going away in a week...
It's seems things I've opened up about to her about, my vulnerability she's used against me, like I've given her the big red button and she's pressed it, even as far as knowing how I miss her and suggesting if I bring the rest of her things to her we may have cuddles, I'm like is she serious or taking the piss out of me.
On the upside my family hate seeing me like this but are happy she's gone, they've seen alcoholism in action and have always felt sorry for what I've gone through with her

Yet I'm missing her
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« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2019, 08:53:16 PM »

Hi.  I am sorry you are struggling with this so much.  I think though that missing her is a natural reaction to a break up.  Of course you miss her.  She was a part of your life and a big part so it will hurt and take time to adjust to the change of her being gone.

What can you do to help yourself?  I am not suggesting you stuff your feelings but rather channel them as you work through them.  Posting here and reaching out for support is one good thing you can do for you.  What else?  How are you sleeping?  Do you run, box, do art?  Do you have activities you can get lost in for a while?

What do you need from us?
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Jimievs
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2019, 03:05:16 AM »

I did do alot of walking and birdwatching but ATM my motivation seems shot, everything reminding me, my feelings are all over really, not really cried yet, but my sleeping is consumed with her and thoughts of her and this new person, I'm spending alot of time with family and have removed all memories from around d me but the emptiness just brings me down, and I'm finding work really hard, my head knows it's over but I'm not accepting it, I have bouts of feeling anger and feeling I'm being taken the piss out of with things she's said ... But it doesn't hold up long and I fall back on what I'm missing and what she's not missing ... I know it's all natural, and I shouldn't be dwelling on the why this why that, but the confusion of love and need she felt one day turned to empty anger the next
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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2019, 03:13:38 AM »

These relationships are very hard to work through.   

The harder you try not to think about something the more you think about it.  I just want to make sure you are not withdrawing and isolating yourself during a time where being around others is so vital.

Excerpt
but the confusion of love and need she felt one day turned to empty anger the next
I think this is the hardest part to try to sort through.  It can get your head spinning.

Keep reaching out here.  It does get better.

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Jimievs
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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2019, 01:12:20 PM »

So I've heard from her today ... And it seems she wants to have sex with me, was very flirty, but obviously doesn't want anything more

Also on a different note .. I changed me profile pic to when I was younger about 11ish and she commented to me how it was making her filthy mind think naughty thoughts about me... She's also mentioned in the past infront of me and her dad that sexual abuse isn't sexual abuse if the child enjoys it ... Which we both challenged and said was so wrong, anyone else had this kind of experience of a BPD partners thoughts process
I know it's very sensitive subject and know that she isn't someone who would indulge in such shocking things, but it is very twisted and upsetting ... Could it be possible child abuse in her life that could manifest this thoughts process
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« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2019, 01:27:30 PM »

Excerpt
She's also mentioned in the past infront of me and her dad that sexual abuse isn't sexual abuse if the child enjoys it ... Which we both challenged and said was so wrong, anyone else had this kind of experience of a BPD partners thoughts process
I don't think this is specific to the thought processes of pwBPD.  My ex was sexually abused by his grandmother.  She would fondle him when he spent the night at her house and they shared a bed.  He refused to consider it sexual abuse because he found it pleasant and comforting.

Your ex may or may not have been sexually abused herself.  There are people who have not been abused who share the same opinions.  Think of boys having sex with older women---> many men consider that being lucky and a right of passage.  Some women do fantasize about having sex with younger men, including kids (boys and girls).

Excerpt
So I've heard from her today ... And it seems she wants to have sex with me, was very flirty, but obviously doesn't want anything more
What are your thoughts on this? 
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Jimievs
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« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2019, 01:43:44 PM »

Ok just seems very unusual,

Regards to the sex, I'm really not sure, I'm apprehensive as to the catch really, I'm also still in the feeling id like to be with her but I know she is totally done with the relationship aspect, there was some very dark days, which I kind of became numb to but also my reaction got less controlled and she is using this as the main blame, I don't know if being her toy is very good for me doesn't really say much about my own self respect, and also I kinda feel bad for the guy who is occupying her time as I know he wants more than friends with her, the hurt part of me wants to be that option and then cut off all ties, really still confused mind tbh
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Jimievs
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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2019, 03:44:17 PM »

Just to add now... She blames me for her drinking yet I don't drink... She has now proclaimed she's been sober since she left and.said it was easier to stop now single... Feels ABIT of a low blow tbh

But still wants no strings sex what the heck
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Jimievs
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« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2019, 03:58:12 PM »

And now she just rang... Went silent put phone down...

I messaged to say if it's easier to tell me over text

And she said hearing my voice just brought back all the sh1tty feelings

And then I F-ing hate you ...

Help!
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« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2019, 09:03:07 PM »

Hi again.

It is unusual as far as I know anyway.  I just don't think it is linked to
BPD though some of the blurred sexual behaviors may be due to poor boundaries as are a some of the other /BPD behaviors.

Excerpt
Regards to the sex, I'm really not sure, I'm apprehensive as to the catch really, I'm also still in the feeling id like to be with her but I know she is totally done with the relationship aspect, there was some very dark days, which I kind of became numb to but also my reaction got less controlled and she is using this as the main blame, I don't know if being her toy is very good for me doesn't really say much about my own self respect, and also I kinda feel bad for the guy who is occupying her time as I know he wants more than friends with her, the hurt part of me wants to be that option and then cut off all ties, really still confused mind tbh
Okay, lets talk about you here.  Are you done with the relationship?  Do you want to get back together with her knowing that it is unlikely things will have changed since you were last together? 

I understand wanting to get together and then cut all ties on your terms.  The thing is, is that something that will serve you well in the long term?  What do you think you will get out of doing that?

There is no delicate way to say this so I am just going to say it:  if you do decide to get together with her and have sex, use protection and be careful with your protection.  We have seen too many people who go back and the woman gets pregnant.   Just saying it in an abundance of caution.

Regarding the phone calls and texts:  can you just step away from this for a while and not answer?  Give her and yourself time to return to a less emotional state?  Talking with her when she is blaming and dysregulated like this is not going to go anywhere good for either of you.
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Jimievs
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« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2019, 02:55:46 AM »

I think I would like to be back together in time and I even think that this breakup could be a good thing, I think it's the fact I'm missing her company and she not missing mine, that's why I'm not sure, as me fulfilling her needs isn't fulfilling mine, and at any point she may find someone who gives her the sex she wants from me, she is already getting her other needs met from other people and says she is happy now ... Still doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her actions while we were together but I guess that's her way.

I would definitely be careful with any intimacy, last I need is more issues

With stepping back from contact I've not tried to initiate and it has been purely flirtatious, no other kinda of chat, and If I ignore it annoys her and makes me think there definitely won't be any chance in the future

I did realise that when she sent me a pic last night, it left me feeling very anxious and not happy for the contact uptown that point I was relaxed and it gave me a sense of pressure to say something flirty as the pic was insinuating ... Then obviously fun flirty but thinking carefully not to put the wrong reply, and then when she rang me it all went south, then the messages were laced with little digs
« Last Edit: March 26, 2019, 03:07:59 AM by Jimievs » Logged
Jimievs
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« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2019, 03:32:43 PM »

Update

So I met my ex for sex, we spoke and I asked her to be honest which she struggles with, I knew what she was doing and could see the lies coming out of her mouth, anyway we got to hers and I then said I have more respect for myself and the person you've been seeing behind my back to go through with having sex with you, this really annoyed her she them turned it around to say, yeh your right I wouldn't do that to A ( the other guy)even though she was about to, then she said I can't believe I even thought if meeting up with you, you make me feel crap, made me laugh really ... I said I'm going to have time by myself and work on healing and I suggest you should do the same because it's obvious how she still has feelings for me and is not fair on the A knowing he really wants things to work out with my ex... Don't think she liked this, anytime she looked at me she couldn't keep eye contact I know I've struggled with her behaviour and not helped myself at times but I know I've been very good for her aswell, it's like she hates that, hates how she's so attacted to me, and she has even said she isn't attracted to A, I hope she has enough respect for him to let him know that and not lead him into pain, i think I put a mirror in front of her and she didn't like what she saw, I went through alot if pain with her and never quit, and for me to turn her advances down seemed to really get to her, I still have feelings and truly would be back with her, but feel that I stood by my values and had some self respect left... I'm a good guy not perfect and she knows this, will she learn, I doubt it very much, I'm sure she will enter a relationship with this other guy very shortly knowing there already going away together, I've probably made her mind up, I left it with I'm going to heal and recover and learn from this, if in time you feel you are in a better place and know what you really want, not just comfort from the next guy, well then it's for you to reach out, until this happens I will no longer be in your life, she has now blocked me of everything which is good, I've already removed any reminders if her from my life and the proper no contact for my own needs is now implemented

I felt very empowered and proud of my choice even though it is bittersweet, the woman I love is know longer in my life but I've done the right thing, I know I'm gonna feel all sorts of emotions to come but I've made the first real step

Now time to heal
« Last Edit: March 26, 2019, 07:46:07 PM by Harri, Reason: removed name » Logged
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« Reply #13 on: March 26, 2019, 07:51:25 PM »

Hi Stuck.

It sounds like things went well in terms of not being pulled in to the old dynamic.  That is excellent.

Excerpt
I still have feelings and truly would be back with her, but feel that I stood by my values and had some self respect left
That is a powerful feeling and I think you can use this as a way to stay focused on you and not be led by your feelings.

 

Excerpt
I felt very empowered and proud of my choice even though it is bittersweet, the woman I love is know longer in my life but I've done the right thing, I know I'm gonna feel all sorts of emotions to come but I've made the first real step
Yes.  You can definitely build on this.
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Jimievs
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« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2019, 08:13:39 AM »

So it all blew up ... I was weak after cutting all ties I thought... She rang my house phone at 1 am constantly... Begging me to go over and not reject her  ... I ran to the aid like a fool ... she was drunk,.I stayed things happened I went work the next day and she constantly called for me to go over and help her so I did again... idiot I know, Only for her to forget everything tell me I ruined her life and she's been with the other guy for couple weeks she has fun with him and I'm boring ... Oh and she said she loved me after crying , lots more went on but I'm out of energy to go through it all over and over ... Why did I care... Why couldn't I resist are what I'm searching inside for

I'm feeling down, stupid, I started to feel good and brought myself back down, my own fault

Will she ever leave me alone... Or should I expect to hear from in the future... She can't message me or call my mobile ... But knows where I live and has house phone number
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« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2019, 08:21:43 PM »

lots more went on but I'm out of energy to go through it all over and over ... Why did I care... Why couldn't I resist are what I'm searching inside for

I'm feeling down, stupid, I started to feel good and brought myself back down, my own fault

Excerpt
Fall down 7 times get up 8 -Japanese proverb

Don’t be hard on yourself. You can fall down but pick yourself back up being hard on yourself creates a lot of stress and shame Many of us here have been in your shoes.

Will she ever leave me alone... Or should I expect to hear from in the future... She can't message me or call my mobile ... But knows where I live and has house phone number

I think it sounds like you find it difficult to talk to her. Do you feel like she triggers certain feelings in FOG ( Fear Obligation and Guilt ) No contact or minimal contact does make it much easier to heal and move on from a pwBPD because they’ll trigger FOG and they don’t completely detach. What I mean by that is that you can heal and detach from an ex but BPD is an attachment disorder.

I hope I didn’t scare you just for reference my exuBPDw hasn’t changed or grown since we broke up she’s a benchmark for the disorder but my point is she talks like she’s still my wife sometimes like she’s still attached but the back and forth and distress is done because I don’t fight back with her that taught her that if she’s looking for a source of soothing she doesn’t come to me - sometime on a rare occasion if something huge like a break up happened in her life but for the most part she leaves me alone.

There’s no easy way - I’d suggest no contact like it sounds like you’re doing but expect her to come to your house or call your house. To get off this emotional rollercoaster you gave to defend your boundaries and at first it can be tiresome because your ex should of gotten the picture, keep in mind that a pwBPD will test your boundaries.

Many of us didn’t defend our boundaries or our exes knew that we’d cave in at a certain point now yu have to go past the point that she’s familiar with and keep defending your boundaries. It becomes second nature you won’t even think about it if you keep at it - eventually she’ll get the picture and stop completely but you’re going to have to take the lead - BPD is a serious mental illness.
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Jimievs
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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2019, 02:14:11 AM »

I didn't defend my boundaries ... I should of walked but obviously didnt, so I guess I gave her free reign...

She does have a key to my house, but the way it all ended the other day , I really don't think she will contact again

Her mum spoke to me because she was worried about my ex, and I told her what had gone on, it caused my ex to really kick off and lie through her teeth or maybe she just doesn't remember, she has apologize for her memory lapse... So maybe I've exposed her to much? I certainly don't expect to hear anything now she is happy ...

But I guess like you said if something changes in her head ... I just won't know

Definitely find my brain trying to make sense of all the contradictions, some of the things she has said, it makes you think what really has happened for the last 2 years, really is like 2 different people
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Jimievs
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« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2019, 03:21:03 AM »

Oh and yes.. definitely feel the FOG, I was always there whatever she did, took so much verbal abuse, especially when she was drinking, people don't understand why I stayed with her after things she had done, write it down and I wonder myself ... But even then there something I'm missing, even looking at myself and realising certain things about me that got me where I am now, she definitely filled a void in my life and I realise that when I met her I was still emotionally vulnerable from the breakup of my previous relationship, which hit me hard (i went to work oneday got home to find my previous partner had moved out and cut ties, she was seeing someone else) that hit me hard for many months, when I finally felt good and started going out meeting new people is when I met my BPDgf.
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« Reply #18 on: March 29, 2019, 03:28:28 AM »

If I'm honest I haven't cried, I feel numb and shocked really, like my brain is trying to stop the thoughts, but when I wake I realise how much I'm dreaming and feel kinda empty self consumed... Today seems worse than any point since she left, had a dull headache for the last day, think maybe because I'm realising this is the real cut off?
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« Reply #19 on: March 29, 2019, 01:28:54 PM »

Her mum spoke to me because she was worried about my ex, and I told her what had gone on, it caused my ex to really kick off and lie through her teeth or maybe she just doesn't remember, she has apologize for her memory lapse... So maybe I've exposed her to much? I certainly don't expect to hear anything now she is happy

I’d remove myself from this triangle you, get mom and her D, I’m not saying that it’s a drama triangle but if her mom is worried she really should be going to her D? Shes probably going to you because she thinks that you can do something for her D? I’d tell her that you need some time alone because you gave things that you need to take care of. If you’re friends with her mom you don’t have to cut ties but maybe tell her that you don’t want to talk about your ex for now?

You said so yourself that she’s two different people another partner is going to fix your problems that has to be dealt with from you as you probably already know.

Her duality was there before you met her when you were with her and it’s still there now. A r/s does not magically repair mental illness.

Oh and yes.. definitely feel the FOG, I was always there whatever she did, took so much verbal abuse, especially when she was drinking, people don't understand why I stayed with her after things she had done, write it down and I wonder myself ...

Yes but that’s easy for people from the outside of your r/s to tell you what’s wrong etc it’s not that cut and dry. I’m sure that they have things that happened in their r/s’s in their lives where someone else could of said the same thing to them that they told you. Just take these comments as a grain of salt if they’re good friends they’re coming from a place where they care.

she definitely filled a void in my life and I realise that when I met her I was still emotionally vulnerable from the breakup of my previous relationship, which hit me hard (i went to work oneday got home to find my previous partner had moved out and cut ties, she was seeing someone else) that hit me hard for many months, when I finally felt good and started going out meeting new people is when I met my BPDgf.

That’s a tough situation. Don’t beat yourself up. You were vulnerable- she has so many internal issues going on inside and you did too at the time - both of your intentions where coming trom the right place but you were both soothing emotional pain.
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