Will I ever be free of him?

[WantToBeFree]

So, I just found out that my ex-H is in the process of buying a house RIGHT around the corner from me (I still live in the house we shared).  I am beyond pissed.  Up until now, his plans were an apartment.  Now granted, him being in a house IS better for our D5, I was nervous about her being in a potentially scuzzy apartment with questionable people around and I am now paranoid about apartment fires (funny how I lived in apartments for years, but once you have a kid, you fear things you never even thought about before).  But part of my anger over all the crap my ex has done to me and put me through was made a little better by the idea of him living in a yucky apartment that smelled like curry and he had to hear his neighbors all the time.

So not only does he get rewarded with a house (he won big in the divorce, I was the responsible one so he got half of all my stuff as well as spending a ton of my inheritance from my grandparents when we were still married) but I will literally be able to see his house from my kitchen window.  Luckily I think I am far enough (I am the third house from the corner and his new house is right around the corner from that) that he won't be able to see much from his house...maybe he'll be able to see my driveway and roof...but still.  I want him out of my life, it's bad enough that we have to still be in contact because of our D5, but now he will be a stone's throw from my house.  

He didn't even discuss this with me, and is likely going to claim that "it's for our D5".  But plenty of people co-parent their children without living right on top of each other.  I know he is going to be a nightmare when I start dating again, and I worry what kind of trouble he is going to cause my life in general, being so close.  I definitely plan to discuss boundaries with him, like not coming over unexpectedly, and not getting our D5 more than is already scheduled (I have sole physical custody and he has one weekday and every other weekend visitation and we share legal custody).  And unless he violates the boundaries I expect, I don't really have to see him like I would if he lived across the street or something.

But I am just so angry and feel like he is violating my freedom from him and my independence.  He was emotionally and physically abusive, and while I am not scared of him per se (at least not so much with the locks changed and him out of the house) I do feel like I am being victimized all over again by my abusive ex-husband violating my space.  

[Mutt]

Hi WantToBeFree,


I'm sorry that you're going through this I know that it's not fair with how he moved closely to you because he's not thinking about how his choices and actions affects others. I hear you about dating what I would suggest is to not make the r/s public for the first while at least, I wouldn't introduce someone to the kids before a year of dating. I know that it may be an inconvenience for you but maybe don't invite dates to your house and go to their house I'm not saying that as a permanent solution but maybe do it this way to get a feel for how things will play out.

My ex lives across from me she moved out of town and a year later moved back I like the convenience of how close that it is for my kids my D13 can quickly come over for example but I didn't like the proximity in the beginning because of seeing her with her new bf it hurt badly. She did hear about a woman coming out with us to go swimming with the kids it got back to my ex and she was causing drama she was already in a r/s for a year with someone else before she left me and was angrily acting out when she heard that I was with a woman. The current r/s I'm is not public - so that doesn't go back to my ex it's like that for other reasons we are both divorcee's.

Yes it would be easier for you to recover if he wasn't a stones throw away - I'm sorry for that. My advice to you is to not worry about his behavior in the future you have a right to be with someone else regardless of how he feels about it etc. Don't worry about how he'll react.

[WantToBeFree]

Hi WantToBeFree,


I'm sorry that you're going through this I know that it's not fair with how he moved closely to you because he's not thinking about how his choices and actions affects others. I hear you about dating what I would suggest is to not make the r/s public for the first while at least, I wouldn't introduce someone to the kids before a year of dating.


Yes it would be easier for you to recover if he wasn't a stones throw away - I'm sorry for that. My advice to you is to not worry about his behavior in the future you have a right to be with someone else regardless of how he feels about it etc. Don't worry about how he'll react.

Thank you.  I am not dating yet, though I am talking to someone, so that may or may not turn into something.  But no, I definitely don't plan on introducing anyone to my D5 for a very long time.  I am sure she is still struggling with the idea of mommy and daddy not being together anymore, I can't imagine how hard it will be for her to wrap her little mind around mommy with being someone new.  Plus, when I do start dating, it sounds nice to compartmentalize for a little while and keep dating separate from my life with my D5. 

I miss her like crazy when she is with her dad, but since she has to be away from me, I might as well go out and enjoy dating and just having fun.  I am in no rush to create a new "family' with me, a new guy and D5.  I figure until I am ready to introduce anyone to her, then my dating life is absolutely none of my Ex-H's businesses.  I think he suspects something, he has been sniffing around lately and asking weird questions.  I think in many ways he still considers me his wife, and perhaps even thinks his house being so close can be like an extension of my house...as though we're still one big "happy" family and we can all go back and forth between houses. 

The good thing is, there is no reason for him to come onto my block, except to pick up or drop off D5.  My street loops around, so to turn right onto my block from his street will not get him anywhere, so if I see him going by my house a lot, I plan to tell him to knock it off, because it will be JUST be to drive by my house.  So as long as he doesn't do that, I shouldn't have to specifically see him...but being so close, I feel like I am under surveillance.  It's bad enough that I have to see his best friend every morning at school drop off because he is the principal at D5's school (I never liked his friend, and now I like him even less) they both go to my gym, so I never feel like I can go outside of my usual time because I don't want to run into one or both of them, and now my Ex-H is talking about taking the same tennis lessons that I have been taking for years, and bringing his friend.

I feel like everywhere I go, my ex-H and/or his crony is there.  And now buying a house so close is like the last straw.  Thanks for replying, and I'm sorry your ex lives so close too.  They're like a plague we cannot get away from!

[Mutt]

I was going to suggest working out. I completely understand how hard it is when your child has to leave to go to the other parents when you were with your child 24/7. Do you think going to the gym and working out will help you when D5 leaves? IDo you think that it feels like separation anxiety? Working out helps reduce stress and anxiety.

This is a long shot do you have a gym at your workplace? I have two memberships one at the gym at work and one with a gym with many locations across the country and three in the city I live in. Have you thought about going to a different gym? I understand when people say that they don’t want to change their routine because of someone else but as you know working out can become boring you have to change your work out routine and even changing venues and going to a different gym helps.