Any time I was going through a rough patch, it would trigger an episode

[greencrystal]

Hello All, I am going through a break up with my ex partner who has BPD. We had been together for 7 years and broke up 2 other times. A few months ago we discussed getting help for our relationship. I gave him the choice of whatever means he wants to get help for us both to work on the relationship either with counseling or whatever he wanted. He got angry at counseling and would not even try that. Same response when I suggested that in prior years. In the end he chose not to do anything so the alternative was to break up and he left this past Saturday. It was getting bad for him and he said that his anger was getting worse and he was trying to control it but couldn't.

This time I feel like I definitely can't go back. But at the same time I'm torn because we have everything in common and he is a very loving person but could not ever get through even small relationship struggles sometimes. We both really did try to make it work because each of us were very dedicated to each other and wanted the relationship to work. There were times when things were going very well. But, you know when a BPD person gets in a state of emotional turmoil sometimes it can last for a long time, sometimes it's extreme. Before the breakup was one of those times. The main problem was that any time I was going through a rough patch it would trigger an episode and even if I thought I express my feelings well he would attack me or become angry and just wouldn't stop. Well I was depressed because I wasn't sure what to do with my life. I just started a new job and my income was not what I expected it to be. So it was a big let down for me and I just got depressed because I have been trying to make more money for my family for a long time and trying to do something I believe in and like. Right now I am 3 hours drive away from home because I have 7 weeks of training for this new job in a different city. I come home every other week and weekends through out the training. In case you didn't already guess, none of this went well for him and put a strain on the relationship. It just triggered a terrible episode for him leading to us breaking up.

It really just hurts the most that with such a beautiful relationship it has to end because we can't get past his emotional states. I learned a lot while we were together and did as much work as I could for myself to be able to deal with his condition. It was hard at first because I was co-dependent and didn't realize it. But that changed. I healed from that over the years because I knew I had my own issues to work through. That's a whole other story but I have always been dedicated to working on myself to overcome my struggles. I think things also became worse for us because I was changing and healing over the years and he was still struggling with the same issues with his BPD. He really did make a lot of improvement for himself too, quitting drinking and seeking help in the form of alternative and holistic means. But when it becomes too much for him he would go back to his old thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors and just want to quit on everything. All the sudden there is no help for him or us and having these meltdowns, or whatever you want to call it, never seemed to improve for him although he had periods of wellness. I would always think in the back of my mind, "When is he going to go downhill again?"

I really have lost my best friend and person that I committed myself to. We were engaged. I still wear the ring he gave me even though we are broke up and don't even talk right now. We did talk a couple times but that is all so far. It's been less than a week anyway so far. Overall I am dealing with this way way better that the other break ups. Being codependent back then it tore me apart and took everything I had not to contact him and panic every day about not talking to him. I was sunk into a hole of deep despair that I couldn't shake no matter what I did and only talking to him would cure. It was really bad, the feeling of abandonment for me was so intense it was the scariest feeling ever. I was hurting so much that my chest physically hurt and the pain would not subside. Not this time, not even close. I have a lot more support around me, and I am ok with being alone. I feel good about myself and am taking good care of myself. Well, besides the grieving, not sleeping, and hardly eating. I am keeping myself busy and decided maybe a support group with people who have gone through the same kind of things might help and possibly I can be of some support for others. It is so absolutely devastating when the amazing, beautiful, and wonderful person you love so much just can't past the struggles they face.

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[Mutt]

Hi greencrystal,

Right now I am 3 hours drive away from home because I have 7 weeks of training for this new job in a different city. I come home every other week and weekends through out the training. In case you didn't already guess, none of this went well for him and put a strain on the relationship. It just triggered a terrible episode for him leading to us breaking up.

I understand how difficult and lonely it is in a r/s with a pwBPD when everything gravitates around their needs and you're not allowed to have your own problems, wants and needs. It's completely draining.

You could spread that around with different friends and family members, often we get disconnected from family because we're worried about how our pwBPD will react to them. How is your support network in real life?

I'm glad that you decided to join us, you're not alone it helps to talk to others that are going through a similar situation like you.

[greencrystal]

Thanks for replying. Absolutely agree, I felt like I was not allowed to have my own problems and needs For support "in real life" I have 3 very caring friends that I have been talking to and my mom. Although they don't really understand exactly about the BPD they listen and give me lots of support. Especially while I'm away. I have only been in this training for 2 weeks and have made some good friends that are supportive here also. It was rough at first. Saturday he left and I had to get ready and leave for training on Monday. I only told people about the breakup in training yesterday and one of the trainers gave me a hug. When I go back home I attend alanon meetings sometimes. Support has really been the key for me. I didn't always have that because I was afraid to say anything but I let it all out now. I have been wanting to go to counseling but haven't been able to go because of my schedule so I am glad to have such caring people in my life. I just miss him so much. I used to wish that things would just heal naturally somehow and things would get better. I can't do that anymore. I know eventually he will break down and call me and I don't know what I am going to say. For now I am just allowing my feelings to be what they are and try not to think too much and just take care of myself. I've suffered enough and I know I deserve to just rest now. It looks like you're a great support for people here, bless you heart.

[otherlife]

Hi Greencrystal
I am so sorry you are going through this, I had a similar situation with my exBPD.   He would not entertain counselling no matter how I tried to explain that it may help him.  I didnt know about BPD before we broke up but I just could not go on with things the way they were.  I like you used to wish that things would just heal naturally somehow and things would get better, but in my heart of hearts I knew that whatever 'this thing' was it was bigger than us.  He told me he needed more time and that he would probably grow out of it, I think he knew it was BPD as one of his friends told me it was like a cancer in the brain but I needed to let him grow up and take responsibility for himself.  I was confused, I didnt understand what he was saying to me.  This friend  told me the marriage had a fatal flaw,  but never said what the flaw was, this obviously upset me and my emotional state was not good so I insisted on counselling, that was the demise of my marriage.  I was looking at BPD on the internet and found this site, it has really helped me put things into perspective, without serious work I dont think they will reach a healthy balance.  I aslo realise I was codependent but had started to work on this.  I applaud you for giving him options but sad that he has not chosen anything.  Why do so many decided to do nothing, is it because they dont think anything is wrong or fear or do they think they will grow out of it?   I read on one UK site that many do grow out of it but I dont believe it and worry that the sufferers see something like this and rely on that information.  Maybe so do but the majority dont and its just tragic to see good people and their families suffer.  I am glad you have a good support network and also interested that you are looking for a support group, I dont think there are any in the UK.   It must be hard for you with both new job, being away from home and coping with a breakup.  Great that you are allowing your feeling to be what they are and even better you are taking care of yourself.     

[greencrystal]

Hi Otherlife, So sorry you also went through that. I hope that you're doing ok. I didn't know anything about growing out of BPD. I do know that not acknowledging that you have BPD and blaming external factors is one of the traits of this. This is the tragedy of it and it is really sad and unfortunate to me because it prevents people from getting help and they are stuck in this torment. As for my beloved, he tried so hard to get past his issues, but he did always blame external factors. When he was younger he was in the hospital a couple times for his mental health and they had diagnosed him with bi polar and depression.  But, I know for sure after living with him for so long that it is Borderline. He wasn't manic at all and he didn't go between two extremes. It was that he could not control his emotions and half the time would get angry about me being even slightly upset about anything. He told me not long ago that it had gotten worse for him and he was feeling enraged but trying to control it. Only reason I discovered it was BPD is because I work with the mentally ill and have a degree in psychology.

It has been really hard being away from home and my family and friends. I cry every day after I get back to my hotel room. I'm really a mess and missing out on things that my daughters are doing back home. That alone also makes me sad. (They are not my ex's kids though) So they have their father and my mom around. But I just want to go home. At the same time when I go back this weekend some of his things will be gone and some things left probably and that is going to be hard to deal with. He is supposed to be coming back this Thursday to get some more things. I have talked to him a couple times briefly and the conversations have gone well. Just to talk about what's going on with him moving his things out and how we are both handling it. But, this past Sunday when I had to leave again from home to training I panicked. I haven't had a panic attack in years. I did break down and talk to him again because I was freaking out thinking that he was over me and forgotten me already. He told me that he wasn't even remotely over me yet. I am trying to stay positive and not let any negative thoughts in because that will send me into depression or panic apparently. I don't want that to happen again. So when I do get overwhelmed I have a list I wrote out of things I can do to calm myself. Mostly it has helped to look at pictures of us and remember good memories and it helps me feel better when I really miss him. I am trying not to think about anything with us but it isn't easy. I feel either numb or sad, or otherwise occupied with this training program I am going through. I have made friends at the training and they keep asking me to do things with them after training but all I want to do is be alone. Today however I decided I should just take up the offer. I miss him so much but there's nothing I can do right now.