My Goodbye Letter

[Frankee]

Well done Frankee for being able to really hear and put into practice what the members have been saying to you. It takes a whole load of self awareness and emotional restraint to step away from the patterns of behaviour that you have relied on before.

Thank you  . I looked back at when I first started posting.  It is amazing that I can gradually see the ups and downs.  What led me to leave the last time, all of the heartbreak I have endured.  I looked at him today sleeping.  I felt some sadness. 

I have said many times, but will keep saying it.  This forum has saved my sanity more times than I can count.  Being able to catalog the past couple years and receive such amazing feedback, advice, and help.  I am not sure I would had made it this far without such great support and understanding.

I can't remember if I ever disclosed an incident, but I will.  I attempted to kill myself about 3 and a half years ago.  Almost succeeded.  Ran away to unknown location, said goodbye to the world, took a lot of pills, and drank a lot of liquor.  Fell asleep in a hotel room, woke up in the hospital, on lock down.  I don't know if really happened or I dreamed it, but I remember having trouble breathing and there was a flash with someone yelling for me to breathe.  I never found out who saved my life, but they were my guardian angels. 

I never in my entire life ever thought about ending it.  But I was so beaten down by him, that I felt that was the only way out.  Now today, I am a completely different person, who will do whatever it takes to be safe.

[formflier]

Some would argue this is a minor edit.

Others would say "but" invalidates everything that came before it...and you don't want to invalidate that you loved and cared about him.

"yet" takes out some of the sting and if you use the words "and also" there should be no invalidation at all.

  I was not lying when I said I loved and cared about you, but this was the only way I know how to get us both out of an unhealthy situation.  

Perhaps

I was not lying when I said I loved and care about you.  I've also concluded this is the only way I know how to get us both out of an unhealthy situation.

I tried to eliminate the use of "but" a couple years ago.  It's an interesting change in thinking.

You are doing well...keep breathing!   Focus!

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I made the slight change . this will be my last post/reply until I am safely away with the youngest one.  I need to spend tonight, getting everything set up for the morning.  I am going to clean up and do my best to makes things easy and ready to grab without tipping him off.

It's last few hours and I have to make sure I wake up as soon as he leaves.. meaning 3am (ugh).  But it is what I HAVE to do.

Wish me luck...

[formflier]

Wishing you the best!  You've worked hard and prepared.  You can do this!  We believe in you!

Best,

FF

[once removed]

wishing you the best with a very difficult move...keep us posted.

[I Am Redeemed]

You can do this, Frankee! 

You have thoroughly prepared, and it's go time. I think you are both physically and mentally ready. Good luck.

 

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

I can't remember if I ever disclosed an incident, but I will.  I attempted to kill myself about 3 and a half years ago.  Almost succeeded.  

I never in my entire life ever thought about ending it.  But I was so beaten down by him, that I felt that was the only way out.  Now today, I am a completely different person, who will do whatever it takes to be safe.

    Frankee, it's strange how those who hate themselves so much have the ability to make us hate ourselves.  

I recall some ago uBPD H and I were on a vacation, and H was raging about something and blaming me.  I never cried so hard in my life, begging H to forgive me for whatever I did, begging for him not to divorce me.  He made me feel worthless.  (Or rather, I allowed him to make me feel worthless.)  Here I was surrounded by hills and trees, with blue sky overhead and the vastness of nature's beauty, and I felt worthless. I asked myself, with all this beauty, why am I so unhappy.

I, too, am now a different person.  About 10 years ago, after a huge dysregulation from H where he screamed at me, made me cry again, made divorce threats (of course), then went to our bedroom and fell asleep, leaving me alone with my tears on the sofa.  It was after midnight, but I called a close friend and had a good pep talk.  H was drunk in bed.  My friend came over for about an hour and gave me resolve.  I resolved never again in my life to give that much power to a person in my life to control me.  As I resisted and set boundaries, there were several extinction bursts, but I was prepared and acted accordingly to my own self worth.  

Be well, dear Frankee!