Is this all there will ever be?

[lonely38]

I have been working very hard the last 8 months on self care, recovery from abuse from my bpd husband so that I can find  a way to calm my body.  I have read numerous books on what I have finally come to understand explains his behavior throughout the years.

This past year, I have started lots of new things that help to define me.  Getting lots of therapy, etc.
Basically doing all the right stuff. But still waking up with great sadness over a marriage that will never be fulfilling or much of a partnership.  A longing for what might have been and coming to the conclusion that my marital life will never fulfill me.

Does anyone else relate to the longing for a partner?  I feel so unloved by my bpd husband in many ways.  Although he demonstrates love and care by doing things for me.  He does chores around the home which I know he does to help out.  If I ask for something to be repaired, etc., he does that. He just cannot be in a relationship with me where there is loving communication and touch. At this point in life, our relationship has dwindled to almost nothing.

[GranaryMan]

I can relate. My wife has BPD. Read my thread “my messed up relationship” to get an insight into how things are.

I haven’t been able to be intimate with her for a while now, even the little things like touching. When we kiss its more like a peck on the lips instead of a real kiss. She gets angry if I don’t display affection around her friends or family, yet when I do try to touch her leg while driving, or hold her hand it’s met with a cold tense reaction.

The only time she really shows affection is when I do something for her, and lately even that has stopped.

I’m not sure my story helps at all, but I can relate to how you feel.

[Cat Familiar]

I think many of us have bought into the romantic ideal of a marriage partner who is our best friend, shares our interests, heals our childhood wounds, is somebody who always has our back, remains ever sexy, supports our dreams, does household chores without being asked, shares the same political leanings, is financially responsible, doesn’t overindulge in drink, substances or food, and maybe volunteers a massage once in a while.

It would be nice. Rom-com movies make us think it’s possible. But I’m not so sure.

I’m content with having some things on this list, but I was disappointed when I found out that other things were never to be.

[lonely38]

Cat familiar, I would be curious how many on your list are required to maintain some kind of relationship.  At this point, with my bpd husband, there is no touching, very little communication, no real enjoyment of being together.  The only things we are maintaining at this point are paying bills and taking care of household items.  We have always managed these well.  As I mentioned my husband does chores, etc.  But he is starting to feel like a live in handyman instead of a marriage partner.  He is and has been in a tough place for a while now, and it has left me with exhaustion.

[Cat Familiar]

I've got four.    He's just started doing some household chores without being asked.  

It's totally up to you whether or not you want to remain in the relationship. I like doing a cost/benefits analysis. There definitely can be high emotional costs to be in relationship with a pwBPD.

[Red5]

I think many of us have bought into the romantic ideal of a marriage partner who is our best friend, shares our interests, heals our childhood wounds, is somebody who always has our back, remains ever sexy, supports our dreams, does household chores without being asked, shares the same political leanings, is financially responsible, doesn’t overindulge in drink, substances or food, and maybe volunteers a massage once in a while.

It would be nice. Rom-com movies make us think it’s possible. But I’m not so sure.

I’m content with having some things on this list, but I was disappointed when I found out that other things were never to be.

#Me2 Cat...
*best friend
*shares our interests
*heals our childhood wounds
*always has our back
*remains ever sexy (look but don't touch)
*supports our dreams
*does household chores (re-reloads dishwasher, after I load it :check
*shares the same political leanings
*financially responsible
*doesn’t overindulge in drink
*doesn’t overindulge substances
*doesn’t overindulge food (makes sure I don't either :check
*(maybe) volunteers a massage once in a while (ie' when tags are due on the truck, or its your birthday, or anniversary...)

Addendum Bullets:
*supports me in my therapy (because I'm the one who is crazy)
*supports me in my parenting efforts
*trusts me
*allows me, to be "me"
*appreciates my efforts to support the family/household

~that's all I got for now…

Know that you're not alone lonely38 

Red5

[lonely38]

Wow, good to know and sad to know that others share the same lack of relationship with their significant others.  Just wish there could be a way to have a real face to face meeting place for sharing and, yes, caring...

[ThemApples]

 Well, you’ve got more company here. I’ve been working as hard as I can on myself, and trying to look at the bright side and make the best of things. But I am achingly sad that I don’t have a partner.  Hollywood ideal? Sure, I’d love that. But I’m OK with less. I guess what I’ve really been going through  is an exercise in finding the deal-breakers.

I wish I  had someone I could trust with my emotions. One of the things that’s been hardest for me recently is that whenever I express my fear or worry or disappointment, His response is that I shouldn’t feel that way, and how could I treat him so badly as to say those things? And yet he gets mad at me for “shutting him out”.

Anyway, it’s sad, I agree. The only reason I stay is for our 12-year-old son, which in my heart I believe is the wrong thing to do, but that’s a whole different post…

[lonely38]

Thank you for your reply.  It is interesting to me that the dysfunction my bpd husband experiences seems to have grown worse with age.  He seems unable to get to a good place at this point in his life.  Maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I am removing myself from his behavior and communication style.

I am coming to the conclusion that my only hope is to find joy and happiness in other places in life.  Friends, other activities, work, etc.  I had hoped that my later years in life might seem more hopeful with my spouse.  But if I continue to hope, I am also putting myself in a place to be disappointed.

The hardest part of this for me is dealing with the anxiety I experience when I am around him.  This is going to take ongoing work on my part. 

[ThemApples]

I hear you. It’s sad to let go of hope, isn’t it?  My uBPDH is also worsening with age, and my future golden years are looking a little like fools gold. Hang in there, and do find joy outside!  Best to you!

[Enabler]

best friend
shares our interests (my interests had to be her interests, else they didn't happen)
heals HER childhood wounds
always has our back
remains ever sexy (look but don't touch)
supports MY dreams Supports HER dreams
does household chores pretty much rejected anything to do with the home, she cooks only when I am not there
shares the same political leanings
financially responsible
doesn’t overindulge in drink
doesn’t overindulge substances
doesn’t overindulge food

Addendum Bullets:
supports me in my parenting efforts neutral at best, proactively gets in the way at worst
trusts me
allows me, to be "me" (because she's so contemptuous towards me she doesn't care enough to attempt to control me)
appreciates my efforts to support the family/household apparently I make her feel bad when I do things around the house so quite the opposite from support.


You're definitely not alone.

One of my friends asked me on Saturday night, how long I could deal with the complete lack of intimacy with anyone. It was interesting to consider... even a deep meaningful hug wouldn't go a miss.

Enabler

[lonely38]

Thank you for your reply.  Sighhhhh. Just wish things could be different.

[Perdita]

Yes, I too feel deeply sad and alone in the r/s.

I can't share my feelings and thoughts with him either.  We went for a drive in the country the other day and I was talking about something I love and per usual he showed no interest. I would return to the topic after every abrupt interruption, but he simply kept interrupting me mid sentence about some absolutely nonsense. I ended up shutting up and instead had an imaginary conversation in my head with an imaginary person.  I have been doing that a lot lately. I long to have a true companion that will let me talk about and encourage my interest and passions. I feel more and more like an empty shell

[lonely38]

Perdita, I hear you.  I long for a healthy human being to be my partner, who will interact with me in communication.  In the last few weeks or so, all bpd husband can do is to basically kind of reply with a hmmm or a yes or no but no real conversation between us. 

I have decided that I will continue to have conversation, whether he jumps in or not.  So our dinner tonight?  It was all me pretty much doing the talking.  My perception is that he is pouting, is feeling sorry for himself, is hurt and wants me to feel hurt, etc., etc., etc.,  I refuse to join in his crazy emotional turmoil.  At the end of the dinner, he actually interjected with an interesting and funny comment that was nice to share between us.  They he got up and left the conversation to watch TV and do his usual vegging out for the rest of the evening. 

For now, I am choosing to converse.  I get most of my healthy conversation with others and I regularly touch base with them.  I go to dinner with friends, have friends over, etc.  This is a healthy outlet for me, although it will never feed my real desire for my mate. 

[Enabler]

Once upon a time I was able to talk with my wife for hours and hours and hours. There was no expectation from her that we should agree, we were able to debate things, chew the fat, air our differing opinions. Over time conversations became almost dangerous. Whenever we would talk I'd step on a landmine and it would result in an argument. What could have been a great evening talking, drinking wine followed by a drunken romp typically ended with her being offended by me disagreeing with her or saying something she totally disagreed with... and her giving me the cold shoulder.

This is the wonder of her OM, this is where he comes into his own. I think by maintaining this state where she has a H who deals with the day to day life element whilst having an OM whom she can talk with for hours and hours and hours, whom doesn't disagree with anything she says, who validates the invalid and whom doesn't actually share anything 'real' with her keep him in a permanent state of idealised bliss. It's not real, it's fantasy and any comparisons with our two opposing situations are basis-less. I'm a great conversationalist, I can talk to anyone about anything. I'm eager to learn about anything and everything, I do like to challenge people but partly because I feel like it shows that I'm listening and learning. I think I knew a lot about my W's work, I was deeply interested in her work not because it was innately something I was interested in (working for the Environment Agency mainly tracking domestic and commercial pollution in water courses etc) but because it was part of her life. I've been working in a pretty interesting industry for 15+yrs and she has almost negligible knowledge of what I do and no cares to expand that knowledge.

Enabler