Part 2: Back to the misery and violence

[2020]

Mod Note:  the first part of this thread is here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337355.0

Thank you all of you. You are really great people. I am glad somebody understands. Even my sister has had enough of hearing about this.

So I was about to go to bed and I had a last look at my emails and I noticed one from an hour ago. It said she was at a truck stop along the highway using a friendy traveller's phone to email me. She has no phone. She told me where she was but didn't ask to be picked up. Then there was a second email 20 minutes later asking if I could please come and pick her up from a fuel station. She said she would wait there. I got in the car. It was around midnight. I fueled up and drove the 200km to the destination. She was there inside with a blanket around her looking miserable. She was grateful that I came and 'rescued' her. I bought her a coffee and some cigarettes and listened to her tale. I tried to just be empathetic and supportive.

This is a very volatile situation. I had some heated arguements in the car heading home and lost my cool a few times yelling that she needed therapy. We arrived back here and she went to bed. Yesterday was difficult. She was saying she is moving out, she refused to eat, have a shower etc. Then she switched suddenly to working on our business ideas and moving overseas. Crazy.

Today has been a slow start. She has been crying and I have been suggesting she talk to her doctor about what happened the other day. She is off her medication again and will no doubt start up the self-medication with alcohol on Tuesday when she gets paid. If I can just get her to get back to her doctor and back on the pills, things will run a little smoother. She is very vulnerable right now and feels very alone. Of course in her eyes I don't seem to register. She is finally in the shower right now which is why I have been able to update here.

Thanks again for the support. I clear all browser history... not a trace ever.   I will look at those Domestic Violence links Harri! Thank you for your help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2020]

A quick update of sorts. My partner is out with her son; I have a few hours to myself.

So she didn't self medicate with alcohol on Tuesday as I predicted. What panned out was a very clingy version of her. We can go a month or more with me not being able to go anywhere near her; with total indifference on her part to my mere presence. The past five days have been pretty good. We have been working together and any slight BPD 'trait' which has arisen has been snuffed out effectively mainly by validation. My partner has expressed remorse over her recent 'dysregulation'/violent outburst. Not only have we been getting on, the sex has returned. But is isn't all happy days...

Last night my two sons had a massive fight. It started over my eldest son loaning $70 to my youngest son. While I was having a picnic on the bed with my partner, my youngest calls out to me. I tell him to wait, I am busy. Then the eldest wants to talk to me. I go out into the kitchen and they are having this argument about the $70. My eldest says he gave his brother $100 and owed him $30 from the week before. The youngest says he only gave him $70 and will only pay back $40. I try to be the umpire. I don't know what went on and how much money was exchanged. I suggest they be accountable for their own cash and not have a need to borrow money and if they do maybe they should put it in writing.

So what has this got to do with anything?

Well this massive fight suddenly broke out. My youngest autistic son swings a punch at his brother. They become locked in a wrestle and go down on the floor. Youngest son has his brother around the neck. I start yelling at them both to stop, then join in to get youngest son off his brother who cannot breathe. It all goes to crap. Youngest son goes in his room and eldest son starts blaming me. "You are a   parent... why don't you do something to stop the   which goes on in this house?" He then starts screaming how much he   hates my partner. How she is a   up mental case and causes all the   in the house. How he can't have a relationship with his own father because of her.

I try to remain calm. He just gets worse and is crying. It's pretty bad really. What a sorry state of affairs. He cannot understand how I am 'oblivious' to it all. He is 27 years old and by all rights he should move out of home and live his own life. But there he is telling me I am an   hole because I want to leave the country end of next year and return to England. I tell him I am in my 50's now and I want to have my own life; that there are things I want to do/need to do. He tells me I am   and what sort of a parent abandons their children? "Ok. That's enough... we will talk about this tomorrow"...

I return to the bed picnic and my partner is gone. Thankfully she just went for a walk and it didn't escalate into a full blown disappearing act. The only one who disappeared was my edest son, to his friend's place. But boy did I get an earful when she returned! Apparently she is leaving me now. I have betrayed her. I didn't stand up for her. She heard everything my son said and now she has proof: I b!tch about her behind her back.

Somehow, (and I did get angry at her in the exchange of words) she calmed down. I validated pretty hard mind you. I told her if her son had said those things about me I would be very hurt and probably wouldn't stick around, particularly in light of the fact I had always been nice to him. What didn't work was trying to explain he was angry and didn't really mean what he said; that people often say things in anger that they later regret. She went to bed and pulled the covers over her head. I gave her a few minutes alone then got into bed with her and snuggled up. There was even intimacy.

I don't know how this is panning out. Just when I think her behaviour has a pattern; when all BPD people I read about here sound like my partner... she acts unpredictably. Maybe she is managing things better on her side? Perhaps I am saying some things which resonate? She may come back in an hour or two and I'll be her worst enemy (again).

I continue to read here and will update for the benefit, amusement and amazement of others and myself.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear 2020-

I don’t know the entirety of your story, but what I’ve read of this thread is very disturbing.  I’m very sorry for the pain and heartache that you, your children and your BPD gf are going through.

Please know that I don’t intend to hurt you with what I’m going to say.  Your children, regardless of their ages are clearly distraught, and they value their relationship with you.  They don’t understand why you’re putting up with BPDgf’s behavior and “sacrificing” your rs with your boys.  And you used JADE, rather than validating what your son was saying behind his tears.  The communication tools help us in ALL relationships.

Finally, violence begets violence.  Your kids know what’s happening in your home.  I am fearful that if some serious changes don’t take place, and soon, any one of you may end up in jail.  Or worse. 

Please think about these things.  I know there are many other things to discuss; but these strike me as areas in need of immediate attention.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[2020]

Thank you for your reply. I think you may be right. We can get so bogged down in the drama around us that we become immune to it, or at least numb to it. Part of me wishes my partner would move out in a rage into her own place. That would be a positive outcome for all of us. My kids would have contact with me and not be distressed by the chaos and violence which happens around here. I could visit and stay with my partner when she treats me respectfully, and leave when she is dysregulating. And I would not be juggling seperate trips to the shop, walking on eggshells etc. Next time she threatens to walk out and move into a share house or some such accomodation, I should not resist the proposal.

No, I am not hurt by what you have said. Nobody around me understands what is going on with my partner or why I am with her. I can't even understand it a lot of the time. It has taken a long time to even figure out what may be the issue, but try explaing that to anyone else. At least there are people here who get it. I will digest what you have said. Thanks.

 

[Red5]

2020 writes: It has taken a long time to even figure out what may be the issue, but try explaing that to anyone else. At least there are people here who get it.

Hey Brother, you know my story, and I get it!

This coming Sunday will be seven months separated with my own ubpdw, we actually went on a date for fathers day, I guess you can say we are talking...

I know it’s tough with step(s) moms, and special needs children... young men.

You know what happened to me, you hang in there Man, we are out here listening, and you and yours are in my prayers tonight,

My wife has her own place now...this weekend she wants me to come over, and bring her a couple of power saws... she is laying new flooring... she txts or calls almost everyday, and actually sent my D26’s bf a birthday card... so she is staying connected.

Where this will all go, I really dunno... I went to see Major Tom, my “T” today, and we talked about it... in another five months we would be separated long enough to file for divorce, so that may be a weigh point...

I don’t want to dirvorce... but right now we can’t live together due to her perceived “need” to control my own autistic S32...

She hasn’t budged off of this... she’s made this clear in our conversations... and I can’t see a way right now, she can’t be losing her temper with him... you know what happened back in November...

And she has gained a little weight, and her oncologist has started her treatments again, but the stage iv rcc diagnosis hangs over her; us still... that is what it is... we don’t have years and years left,that’s not going to change : (

You’ve got a lot on your plate 2020... keep strong,

Keep posting 2020, and hang in there Brother!

Red5