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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
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Author Topic: Cant sleep...  (Read 260 times)
StressedOutDaily
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« on: July 15, 2019, 02:05:34 AM »

Its 2:30 in the morning,  I can't sleep ..my alarm will be going off in 3 hours.  I am just so sad right now, and can not believe my life is where it is.  Most nights I now sleep on the couch in the family room, where I am now - so our D 16 doesn't sneak out.   The one night last week when I thought it was safe to sleep in my bed, I got up around 1:30 to use the bathroom, I peaked in her room and she was not there, and she was not downstairs and the back door was unlocked.  It turned out she had some "friend" pick her up and drive her across town to some guy's house...we called the police and they ended up bringing her home.   

I spent a lot of time earlier this evening trying to figure out what rights we have as parents, seems like we are responsible for her  and at the same time, if she takes off or runs away, she doesn't have to be brought home if she doesn't want to.  The court system will work with you if your child is under 16...there is a "Family's at Risk" program, but once they are 16 you can only seek help through your towns services - if they have any, and ours does not.  My DH and I spent a day about a month ago visiting the different organizations in our town seeking information on what was available to help us - and there is nothing.  If your child is 16 or 17 there is nothing.

Thank God our D is part of the small percent of people with BPD who are not suicidal, but the other side of that coin is we can't get hospitalization for her.  She is quickly getting out of control...leaving when she pleases, not telling us where she is, powering down her phone when she doesn't want us to find her, sex with a number of different boys, smoking pot, and now refusing to take her medication, refused to go to her last therapy appointment.

One minute she is crying on my shoulder and asking me why her friends don't include her anymore, or telling me that her new BF just cheated on her, or texting me some funny video and the next minute she is calling me a piece of s:cursing:    Telling us she doesn't want to live here anymore, that she is going to take off and we will never find her.  Yesterday she complained that we are too strict, and she wishes she had parents like her friend K.  Then tonight was begging us to take K somewhere because she didn't have a ride - because "K's parents don't care about her, thats why she can go and do what ever she wants:" 

My beautiful, intelligent, loving, kind-hearted daughter hasn't showered in more than a week, she stinks of BO mixed with perfume, I don't know when the last time she brushed her teeth (she chews gum instead)...and most likely will go to work tomorrow in a dirty shirt and shorts that she wore all day today and is most likely sleeping in. 

and I don't know how to help her.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2019, 04:12:10 AM »

My goodness, Stressed Out Daily
That really is too much. Up at night, can't sleep in your own bed, health deteriorating, help not available. You obviously can't go on this way. I know it seems like you aren't helping your daughter at all but you are. In her moments of clarity she sees it. If your health fails though not only will you suffer, you will be of no use to her either. My son is much older (25) but maybe some of the same things apply. After I have done all I can I stop doing and let him experience natural consequences for his. Sometimes life teaches lessons that parents cannot. Of course since she is a minor you have legal obligations. I just wonder if that extends to sleeping on the couch and being up all night. Do you think maybe it is time to back off a bit and let her take a few lumps while you focus on you? We are all with you.
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Faith
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Huat
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« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2019, 10:53:22 AM »

Hello StressedOutDaily.

Wow, do I hear where you are coming from!  Reading your post has brought back many painful memories. 

I nodded my head as I read your words that you are...."trying to figure out what rights we have as parents....seems like we are responsible for her and at the same time, if she takes off or runs away, she doesn't have to be brought home if doesn't want to." 

That daughter of ours who first ran away when she was 12 is now 53 and the journey we have shared with her has been rocky, to say the least.  I can well remember those early years, walking the streets looking for her.  Our fear was compounded by the fact that a serial killer of teens was at work in our area.

Your journey ahead is not going to be an easy one but the resources available to you now in regards to how to better to deal with BPD behaviours are so much better than what was there for us years ago.  Finding this forum a few short years ago and then participating on it has literally been a life-saver for me. 

I echo so much of what FaithHopeLoveKO has written above.  Sometimes we work way too hard to protect these wayward offspring of ours from lessons only life can teach.  When they were learning to walk, falling and then getting up was part of the lesson they had to learn. 

As with our daughter then, you cannot tie yours to her bed now to make sure she doesn't run.  Even by you sleeping on the couch, she has managed to outsmart you. 

Be confident in knowing that you have tried....and will continue....to do the best you can in dealing with your daughter but if you deprive yourself of the oxygen you need to carry on, you will be of absolutely no help to her in the future.  Right now she is expecting you to carry on as before.  Maybe time to surprise her. 

((((HUGS)))) from one Mom to another.

Huat
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2019, 06:10:07 PM »

Stressed,
I had to jump in here bc our DD is just 19.  Looking back, I begged and pleaded with someone, anyone to give me permission to fully STOP protecting, guarding, blocking, saving DD. It turned me into a 24/7 prison guard.

We are in a small suburban town and I believed it was my duty to package her up and tie her in a bow and send her out ready for school, church, friends, etc. The pressure I put on myself due to pride probably took years off my life.

She still managed to run away, do drugs, drink, have sex, get arrested for having a tiny amount of pot, wreck car, lose jobs, lose friends, 2 involuntary hospitalizations for suicidal ideation, refuse to go back after Christmas break her Jr yr of H.S. So had to go to alternative  school (she did graduate 1 yr early, but that changed nothing), have a miscarriage or 2, have inappropriate stuff on social media, make retaliatory threats over phone, etc.

. And those don’t begin to describe the combative daily struggle here at home. And ALL that happened on MY watch. I quit my job to be here monitoring and that’s what happened. No one ever told me I had a choice! Maybe others can chime in with more positive experiences than mine.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2019, 03:05:32 PM »

Along with Peace and others, jumping in with you Stressed   , I had 18 months of little sleep, not good. I did most of my 'sorting' being mindful at night, as I was at working during the day. DD was in crisis. However my DD was 26, not 16 runner.

You are right on it, Family Connections, investigating local resources, parents rights!

Excerpt
One minute she is crying on my shoulder and asking me why her friends don't include her anymore, or telling me that her new BF just cheated on her, or texting me some funny video and the next minute she is calling me a piece of s:cursing:    Telling us she doesn't want to live here anymore, that she is going to take off and we will never find her.  Yesterday she complained that we are too strict, and she wishes she had parents like her friend K.  Then tonight was begging us to take K somewhere because she didn't have a ride - because "K's parents don't care about her, thats why she can go and do what ever she wants:"  

Wow, so confusing. You know what, I've not been in your position with a 16 yr old. How did you respond? Reflecting, in hindsight what do you think she's saying, what does she need from you?

Excerpt
My beautiful, intelligent, loving, kind-hearted daughter
She is Stressed. Always keep in mind. She'll look in your eyes for comfort and guidance, your respect, you understand her struggle, you are walking with her.  

WDx
« Last Edit: July 16, 2019, 03:36:24 PM by wendydarling » Logged

StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2019, 09:39:00 PM »

Thank you everyone... I have gotten sleep, had a fun day and feeling like I have filled my cup a bit!  Thank you for letting me vent and for your support. 

Thank you Faith... I had only read your response before I went to bed last night and I did sleep in my own bed next to my H...and got a great night's sleep!
Excerpt
Do you think maybe it is time to back off a bit and let her take a few lumps while you focus on you?
Probably...and I am focusing on me more, with much encouragement from my H.   I am taking a MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) workshop - 8 weeks long ...5 more to go.  Homework is a formal practice is 45 minutes/day plus this week 15 minute breathing exercise.  Today I met my SIL and two of her friends and we went out for the day. 

Excerpt
((((HUGS)))) from one Mom to another.
Thank you Haut 

Excerpt
The pressure I put on myself due to pride probably took years off my life.
Peace - for the most part, we have stopped worrying about what others think, and it does take a load off. I think my actions (sleeping on the couch, etc..) is out of fear - fear for her safety more than anything.

WDx
Excerpt
How did you respond? Reflecting, in hindsight what do you think she's saying, what does she need from you?
Honestly, I can't remember how I responded to that statement - what ever I said didn't cause her to freak out    She wanted us to bring her friend and sister home, According to my D - one sister (K) got into a fight with the other sister's (C)boyfriend -  so C started choking K, then K and her boyfriend started physically fighting, the police came (this at a public park in town).  The police wouldn't let K get a ride home in the boyfriend's car.  My D wanted us to bring K home - we didn't, but I did stay with K until I knew that one of her parents was on their way to pick up both K&C.   The everyday drama!

Excerpt
She is Stressed. Always keep in mind.
.  I am trying

Time for me to get to bed!   


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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2019, 02:52:14 AM »

It 3:45am, My DH and I are sitting in our family room waiting for the police to either bring home our D, or come back so we can fill out a missing persons report. 

We have a sensor on the door that chimes on my phone if the door is open, and I heard it go off just before 3am.  Got up (out of my bed) checked her room, came downstairs and found the back door open, no Daughter.    I went to track her on the phone, she had sent me a text that she had a huge fight with A (boy that she may or may not be dating, has told me he sells drugs) and was walking to the beach to clear her head and meet her friend T (a new boy we have never heard of before, beach is a little over a mile away).  To please not call the police, she isn't going to do anything bad, she'll be back later.   and her phone is powered off.

We called the police, gave them all info we had...and now we are just sitting here waiting. 
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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2019, 04:10:31 AM »

5am.....her phone is powered up...I see she is in the neighborhood.  I contact the police department to let them know.  An officer was in his car in front of the house. 

I go out the front door, and here comes my D strolling down the street.  I ask her where has she been " I told you with T, we went to the beach then drove around. I'm going in the house now."    I said, wait the police have been looking for you for more than 1 1/2 hours - Tom who?    She says " Thats on you, I told you not to call the police, so piss off.  You know the family, so Im not telling you his last name" then walks in the house to go to sleep.

The cop then tells H & I that he isn't telling us how to parent, but maybe we need to keep a closer tab on her, especially at night.  We should buy an alarm system for the house, make it harder for her to leave.  I lost it a little bit then....


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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2019, 06:25:11 AM »

Arrgg. I would have lost it too. Unfortunately police, like most people, have no clue about BPD so let me reassure you. This mess is not your fault. I know you know that but I think it is important to validate it. Are you legally required to call the police every time she leaves the house? Still with you. I hope you get some more rest tonight in your own bed.
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Faith
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MomSA
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« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2019, 07:47:11 AM »

What a torrid time you are having and there are so many of us her who can empathise. Its hard hard hard.

I think I have asked before but can you not get her into a restoration centre, even out of your state where she can get DBT help and away from her environment so she can get a diagnoses? Otherwise I think you know this is going to get worse and worse.

If not, we have been advised by our daughter's therapist to take our hands off. Granted she is 20 and employed, and your daughter is 16. And it is very hard to sit by and watch our children self destruct.
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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2019, 10:27:56 AM »

Excerpt
This mess is not your fault. I know you know that but I think it is important to validate it.
.  I do know that...but thank you for validating it anyway.  It is nice to hear it.   

Excerpt
Are you legally required to call the police every time she leaves the house?
. We are not, but it is a rule we set in place along with her therapist.  If she isn't home by a certain time or if she leaves in the middle of the night we call the police.  We had to call them twice for not being home by curfew...its been about a month and she has been home every night since.    July 6th was the first time we found her missing....I could track her, the police went and got her and brought her home.  Tonight we couldn't track her - she powered down her phone.   She is probably going to have a fit when she finds out the police went to the house she was found at last time - woke the parents, woke the kid - searched his bedroom.   In our discussion with the T about setting rules (and there are very few) we are hoping that if "friends" are having the cops coming to their homes looking for our D, they might be less likely to have her over at 2am.

Excerpt
can you not get her into a restoration centre, even out of your state where she can get DBT help and away from her environment so she can get a diagnoses?
MomSA - what is a restoration centre?   Her therapist is a DBT therapist - but she has not started a skills group yet because she is not really participating in her therapy.  We do have an intake appointment for an IOP next week - keeping my fingers crossed that they will accept her and I can get her to go.  Im talking with her T tomorrow morning to stratigize on how to tell her about the appointment.    We have been looking into residential treatment - but we really can't afford it, insurance wont cover the cost...

Excerpt
it is very hard to sit by and watch our children self destruct.
yes it is.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Huat
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« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2019, 11:55:03 AM »

Hi again StressedOutDaily Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!  I would have had hard time restraining myself had that policeman said those words to me.  "Keep closer tabs on her at night." ?????  "Put an alarm system in the house to make it harder for her to leave"...!!!!!  It makes me even angrier as I write these words.

Well, have to say that I am so thankful to anyone who becomes a policeman/woman.  The one who came to your house has probably seen more than any of us would care to see but I would wager a guess that he is not a parent of an out-of-control teenager.  He was in his way trying to be helpful but has no idea what we parents are going through.

Kudos to you for participating in that MBSR workshop!!!!!    Is your husband going, too?  Wish I had found something like that years ago.  My story might have been a lot different had I learned those techniques.  Whatever!!!!  I am in the process of learning them now.

More ((((HUGS)))) to you, StressedOutDaily.  Remember the old saying that what doesn't finish you off makes you stronger?  As with the rest of us battle-scarred parents, you are well on your way to having the strength of Hercules.  ; )))

Keep hangin' in!

Huat
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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2019, 02:01:04 PM »

Hi Huat -

I know the police officer was trying to be helpful...but at 5:15am with only  2 1/2 hours of sleep...I was not at my best. We did talk for about 10 minutes on what we have been doing to try to get support, to monitor her, etc...and I think he realized that we were doing all that we could. I did apologize before he left for yelling at him - and he accepted.  (wasn't really yelling...H said I just sounded stressed)

The MBSR workshop is great....fitting in the 1 hour of meditation everyday is a challenge, but I hope it will help.  My husband is not going - it was a bit  pricy.   If it helps me to keep calm and not have to start taking an RX to relieve my stress, we thought the investment was well worth it.  We often say I'm the one on the front line much more so than he is right now.  I'm hoping I can convince him to start meditating with me..

Thanks for the supportive words!
~SOD
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