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Author Topic: emotionally exhausted  (Read 243 times)
Rosheger
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: July 16, 2019, 02:34:16 PM »

I am weary and so tired of the emotional roller coaster of having a daughter with BPD.  She is 37 now and I am going on 100 .  After many years of exhaustive ups and downs, I thought we had finally reached a place where we could be in contact occasionally and it worked.... for a few months.  I was thrilled to finally have a relationship with my daughter!  She was talking to me and even listening to me(!) While never completely relaxed, I was beginning to feel hope.  We were laughing and hugging.  Until...... I spoke about my feelings in reaction to some of her past behaviors - choosing my words carefully - with "I" and "My" statements - including compassion for where she is coming from and recognizing her struggles.  I even cried.  She held me.  I believed this was the turning point to begin a mother/daughter connection.  Boy, was I wrong. She went silent - for 3 weeks.  I reached out several times.  I worried about whether she was okay, I lost sleep, I got depressed (oh so familiar feelings!).  Then today I heard back "Don't worry about me.  I need my space.  I'll get in touch when I feel ready".  At first I felt relief (she's okay!) - then I sank into the feelings of nothing has really changed.  Whenever I say something she does not want to hear, no matter how gentle I say it, she disappears.  I feel so sad about that, but as I read more about BPD, I am starting to "get" it.  She has never been officially diagnosed, but several therapists have told me she is classic.  I would love to find someone nearby to talk to who can relate to having a family member with BPD.  Thanks for listening!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
Posts: 1505



« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2019, 05:49:29 PM »

Hi Roshegar
Welcome to the group
 I am glad you are here and hope you will think of us as people "close by" you can talk to. We get it. My son also opens up once in a while and then retreats. I think it is because as much as he needs it intimacy scares him. I am now learning to do what Alanon calls detaching with love. Is that something you might like to explore also?
Hugs
Faith
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Rosheger
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« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2019, 06:33:44 PM »

Thank you Faith!  I appreciate the reminder to detach with love. 
I already feel better just posting what I did and knowing I am not alone
on this roller coaster. Hugs back, R
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2019, 07:56:22 PM »

You are definitely not alone.  I feel like I could have written your initial post. What else do you feel comfortable sharing? Does your daughter live with you? Does she work?
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Faith
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Huat
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What is your relationship status with them: Estranged
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« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2019, 10:55:44 AM »

Hi Roshegar

I'm joining FaithHopeLoveKO in welcoming you here.

For sure you are not alone.  Along with FHLKO, I feel it could have been my fingers on the keyboard typing out that post.  My daughter is now 52.  She, too, has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but a number of counsellors have told us of their suspicions in that direction.

I have been broad-sided by my daughter so many times over the years that I think I have suffered from something like PTSD.  I remember one of the incidences where my husband and I had just left a family dinner at her place.....everyone smiles and hugging good-bye.  The next day a phone call came from her and all I heard before she slammed down the receiver was....."I hope you are proud of yourself!"  What followed was one email after another telling me what a bad mother I was.  That particular estrangement lasted a couple of years.

Yes, Roshegar, surviving in a relationship with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours is indeed draining.....to say the least.  The one you have to work on, though, is.....you.  It is necessary to learn how to NOT have any expectations of your daughter because, as you have experienced so many times, her mood can/will change in a nano-second. 

Every time I read those words...."detach with love".....I nod my head.  As opposed to so many who write in this forum, our daughters are adults.  We are past the stage of being responsible for underage children.

The other piece of advice that has come across the airwaves here that I love is....not to "JADE" when interacting with an out-of-control BPD'er.  That is...don't Justify, Argue, Deny, Explain.  There is just no fuel added to their fire when you refrain from doing those things.

Aw, Rosheger, a roller-coaster-ride indeed.  The thing is, there can be much better days ahead when we start to learn some of the "tools-of-the-trade", so to speak.  It is wonderful to start getting the feeling of being empowered.....not "in power" but "empowered".....in control of oneself.  I work on not being reliant on my daughter for MY happiness......a work-in-progress but encouraging when I reap the benefits.

Happy you found this forum, Rosheger.  For me, participating here has been a life-changer.....a life-saver.  The support I have felt from others has enabled me to put one foot in front of the other and make positive changes.  Gotta say, too, that reading and re-reading my own posts, my own words, has been helpful.  When you lay out your heart and your hurts in writing, sometimes there can be a revelation as you work your way through those words.

((((HUGS))))....from one Mom to another.

Huat
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Rosheger
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« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2019, 05:09:48 PM »

I so appreciate your responses to my post.  My daughter was difficult from infancy but I thought her bad behavior when she was growing up was mostly my fault.  I was afraid of her dad, we got divorced when she was 11, I spent years feeling guilty about breaking up the family.  I had no control over her as her personality grew combative , difficult and manipulating.  My low self-esteem was easy prey for her personality.  I spent tons of money for therapy for her (her dad didn't believe in therapy), trying all kinds of things to help her.  Had no clue about BPD until last few years.  She was treated for ADHD, depression, mood swings, addictions but no mention of BPD until recently.  I was emotionally and financially spent - even spending one Christmas away by myself so as not to have to deal with her.  Over time in her 20's & early 30's, our contact became less and less.  She moved in with her Dad and then moved to LA last year and now is back nearby, living on her own.  She says she wants a relationship with me but as you can see from my first post,  that has not been easy.  Friends/therapists told me about this site so here I am.  Grateful to be here.  I would also like to form a group near me where I can meet with similarly afflicted in person, but have no idea how to do that.  Maybe someone can help me in that regard?
   Thanks again for listening.  I am going to order some books and have started listening to podcasts, etc.  This is a wonderful site!!   Take care & be well, rosheger
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Rosheger
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« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2019, 07:45:51 PM »


I so appreciate your responses to my post.  My daughter was difficult from infancy but I thought her bad behavior when she was growing up was mostly my fault.  I was afraid of her dad, we got divorced when she was 11, I spent years feeling guilty about breaking up the family.  I had no control over her as her personality grew combative , difficult and manipulating.  My low self-esteem was easy prey for her personality.  I spent tons of money for therapy for her (her dad didn't believe in therapy), trying all kinds of things to help her.  Had no clue about BPD until last few years.  She was treated for ADHD, depression, mood swings, addictions but no mention of BPD until recently.  I was emotionally and financially spent - even spending one Christmas away by myself so as not to have to deal with her.  Over time in her 20's & early 30's, our contact became less and less.  She moved in with her Dad and then moved to LA last year and now is back nearby, living on her own.  She says she wants a relationship with me but as you can see from my first post,  that has not been easy.  Friends/therapists told me about this site so here I am.  Grateful to be here.  I would also like to form a group near me where I can meet with similarly afflicted in person, but have no idea how to do that.  Maybe someone can help me in that regard?
   Thanks again for listening.  I am going to order some books and have started listening to podcasts, etc.  This is a wonderful site!!   Take care & be well, rosheger
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2019, 08:09:33 PM »

There is a face to face group called Family Connections. I’d google Family Connections BPD and it will pop up. Go ahead and register bc it takes a long time to get in to this 12 week course. I’m still waiting.  There is also a group called Families Anonymous (like alanon) they are great at teaching detaching with love and may understand some of what we are going thru.
Also, NAMI has Family to Family classes. They are pretty good, but it’s based on serious MH issues like BP and Schizophrenia, which they call biological brain disease.
BPD seems bio-psycho-social to me, so some groups won’t understand anything about our odd struggles.
I’m loving the Dr. Manning book “Loving someone with BPD”.

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Rosheger
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« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2019, 12:44:40 PM »

Thank you so much - very helpful!
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