Elder sister with BPD living with recently widowed Mom

[dream26]

Hi. Thank you for accepting me in this group.
My sister has not been formally diagnosed with BPD since she refuses to see a doctor, but I have been recently reading a ton of information and her actions fit the description. So I am hoping I get some helpful advice here.

She moved in with her 4 year old daughter into our parents house couple of years back and it has been painful chaos ever since. She does not work/ leave the house and is dependent on my mom for everything like groceries, washing her clothes, taking her daughter to school, cooking, etc. However, she trusts no one and won't let mom even feed her grand daughter without her permission. She guilt trips mom into doing everything for her and gives only sarcasm, criticism and abuse in return. She sometimes doesn't clean herself or eat proper food, and when mom scolds her, she says it's all mom's fault.

She is paranoid and won't let mom leave the house for long periods of time. I do not live in the same country and can only visit once a year for a month or so. Our father passed away last year as my parents kept postponing to go to another city to get the required treatment for his heart because of sister's fear of being left alone and then one day just like that he was gone. :'(

Mom is already devastated by the sudden loss of dad and the constant abuse from my sister is degrading her self esteem and identity and I can see the hollow look in her eyes at times. I feel very scared. Sister does not listen to anyone and says everyone is bad and has ulterior motives for telling her to change. She says her husband is vicious and cruel (they are legally still married), but I find it hard to believe since she says similar things about me and mom. Anyway he has almost given up on her as far as I can tell.
I have requested her several times to go see a doctor with me, but she always drags the conversation to how no one cares or listens to her. She talks in a very cruel and abusive voice with dripping sarcasm and sometimes sings loud strange songs. It is difficult to be rational in such a situation when I am already dealing with dad's death and worrying constantly about mom. And when I get angry and stop talking, she says she and her daughter will die because of me and just like I got a phone call about dad's death, I will get one about her.

Also, she prevents her daughter from going out to anyone's birthdays or aunt/uncle/friend's houses. Her daughter cannot even drink water or go to the bathroom without her permission and she is 7. sometimes she is very sweet towards her but I can also hear her rage inside their room at times and I know that is supremely unhealthy for the kid. I have threatened to call the kid's father but she makes me feel guilty by saying that he will take her daughter away and abuse her and they will both die at his hands.

We live in a country/city with no concrete support for mental health. It is still a taboo for most and even the doctors are not fully experienced to deal with this. I have tried asking around for an experienced counsellor but cannot find one. Most people go out to bigger cities to get treatment but my sister does not even leave the house. I don't know what to do.

I cannot be here forever, and mom living with her in that pressure cooker 24/7 scares me so much. But mom says she won't leave and she has to take care of her daughter and grand kid no matter what. I fear the stress will be too much for her and she will ignore her own health issues just like dad did. I am losing my mind, and find it hard to focus on my own life and marriage. Sorry for the rant. Please help!

[Panda39]

Hi dream26,

Welcome to the group   

First of all, my condolences for the loss of your father, my own father died of a massive heart attack and I know what a devastating shock that is.   

I come at BPD from a different angle my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex wife.  I discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying" and like you with your sister I found the shoe fit.

Everyone here has someone in their lives with BPD or BPD Traits, I was amazed at how similar our stories are when I first arrived here.  There is a lot of collective wisdom here, along with information and tools...I hope you will take some time and take a look around.

I know it's hard to watch your sister be abusive towards your mom and her daughter.  Do you think it could be your mom lets your sister stay in order to try and protect her grand daughter?  Is your niece's father in the picture at all? 

It sounds like your mom/parents have been doing this dance with your sister for a long time.  Has your mom tried setting any boundaries?  Has she had any success with them or are things "going along to get along" or path of least resistance?  Is there any one behavior your sister does that you would like to focus on?

Again Welcome,
Panda39