I can’t win even when trying to be nice

[gadget]

So my wife comes over after work to get my special needs son off the bus like she does a few times a week.  She usually will get his medications ready and give him dinner.  Did neither of those tonight with no explanation.  She is usually gone by the time I get home.

So I texted her and said “Did you feed him?  You used to lay out meds and feed him.”  She said “No I didn’t.  I realize that and I will be better.  A little preoccupied today.  Sorry”

So I asked “What’s wrong?”.  She replied “I went to work an hour early, had a call in,  board meeting, picnic for 250 people tomorrow and my washer is dead again”.

I said “I’m sorry”. She said “Don’t be”.  Why would she say that?

After that, I texted her “Of course I don’t want you to have difficulties “.  No response.  Does she think she should have a hard time because she left?  That I shouldn’t be Sorry she had a rough day?

Gadget

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi gadget,

You probably already know this but she was probably distracted with her day. I’m not sure about what to say about her response it sounds like she doesn’t want to be emotional. It’s tough to hear when you have a long history together.

I’d probably suggest at this point is to give her space and she’ll eventually warm up to you. I would keep things light hearted and not send her texts about how her day is going etc maybe send her a joke or a meme something that’s not emotional.

I’m not saying that you’re being overly emotional what I am saying is some people have a hard time with emotions and clam up when they are faced with it. They don’t know what to withbit, they’re scared of it so they just avoid feelings.

I’m sorry that you’re through this I know that separation is not easy at all and it’s probably going to be hard for you to consider my suggestions but I would just change the tempo. It sounds like she’s being a little disconnected emotionally  - so be it.

I would pull back and give her space and let her come to you. I know that you have co-parenting to do, maybe keep the topics solely on the kids and let her be the one that starts to pull. Just change the modus operandi for now for you.

[gadget]

Thanks Mutt!

I appreciate the tips.  I’ll try some of that and go back to letting her text first or send her random cute pics of my grandson here and there.  She lights up any time he is mentioned.

Gadget

[Red5]

gadget writes... “So my wife comes over after work to get my special needs son off the bus like she does a few times a week.  She usually will get his medications ready and give him dinner.  Did neither of those tonight with no explanation.  She is usually gone by the time I get home.”

I have to chime in, sorry, but you don’t just forget, or else preoccupied... I now live alone with my special needs son, whom is autistic... sorry but no, you don’t forget meds, or supper, or anything else, these adult children are completely dependent on their caregivers, or caretakers... which ever is the case.

We’ve interacted before gadget, we are very similar in our situations...

Seems to me your wife must have been extremely preoccupied... again, but sorry, you don’t just “forget”.

I’d tell her thank you... but don’t do ever do that again, our marital situation be damned, the boy needs his meds, and his supper, if you can’t do it, I’ll hire someone who will...

My son has a mentor that spends time with him... about 3 hours after his day vocational program ends, and until I get home from work.

Sorry, Brother, nip that in the bud... bpd or not, we both know, taking care of a special needs adult child is a life long responsibility, and nothing but 100% support is acceptable.

I’d be quite firm with wife, I wouldn't /F/ around with her on this... sorry so angry... but I’ve over thirty years experience, and two marriages all the while my Son was my responsibility... his own mother abandoned him, and his step mother had no patience with him,  

Sorry to rant... but this is personal to me.

Take care gadget... Red5  

[gadget]

I understand Red5 and I agree.  That's why I called her on it.  If she doesn't feed him at 4pm then I do at 5pm when I get home.  So he isn't completely missing out.

But if you say you are going to do something, then you stick to it.  She still came over, got him off the bus and visited him.

But she originally offered to do that and feed him too so I could have a break.  I normally come home and take care of all his needs first, so my dinner any anything else for me comes later.

So the few times she did do it , was nice to be able to take care of me first for once.  But I'll keep the pressure on.  My daughter has already told her before as well that you should do what you said you would.

I feel your passion when you talk about your son as I do for mine. I'm glad I have you on my side!  

Gadget

[once removed]

That's why I called her on it.

positive reinforcement.

remember, it isnt you and your son against her. the two of you are a team.

“No I didn’t.  I realize that and I will be better.  A little preoccupied today.  Sorry”

generally speaking, a positive reinforcement approach might be something like "how can i help?"

[gadget]

I do usually as if I can help in any way.  These days she doesn’t ask/want much help from me.

I just wanted to remind her and keep her honest as to what she promised to do to help my son.  She was slipping into doing less and less for him.

Gadget

[Red5]

She was slipping into doing less and less for him.

Gadget,

Again, you and I have solidarity here.

My Son has suffered abuse, both from his own biological mother (neglect), before I divorced her, and as well his step mother (physical and mental abuse).

I do not know the specifics of your Son's condition, but I am interested to know, perhaps you could PM me,

I think about this all the time, and I see special needs kids, and adults all the time out in the public, and only people like you and me most times even notice them.

There are people whom are receptive, and "tolerant"… and there are those who aren't.

I learned years ago, to be ever watchful for these types of personalities, the ones who aren't... because they are out there.

You know what I am talking about.

My Son goes to a day vocational program everyday, I drop him off on the way to work, and he has a mentor for a few hours every afternoon, and she brings him home when I return home from work.

I know many of the other families, whom have older special needs children, and older special needs adults whom also go to this program everyday too.

And this is one town, one state, one Nation… in the world, think about that.

This is a life long responsibility, life long!, we both know this.

I see all different situations at my Sons program, which is a blessing this program!, because I don't know what I would do without the "Station Club" 

How would I be able to work?

As I am once again a single Dad.

I see all ages, from twenty something, to almost seventy something !

These souls have long "aged out" of the public school systems...

Downs, Autism, Delayed, Mentally R, and all across the spectrum.

Most if not all cannot ever live by themselves… some live in "homes"… and are wards of the state, some live with family, some are lucky enough to still have "a" parent to live with, its all across the board.

These souls are basically invisible to the public, I said invisible  : (

And as I stated, most of the older ones, spanning age 30 - 60 and beyond are wards of the state, live in homes, and live off of government provided subsistence, like about $600.00 a month, that's it… which is handled by "sponsors", court appointed guardians (ad litem)… wow.

There is a lot of abuse, and exploitation.

This is why this is a red hot subject for me.

I am very passionate about this...

I don't know any other way to say it, these kids, these precious innocent child like souls have little to no ability to take care of themselves, or else "deal" with people whom would not "care" to properly take care of them, they are helpless, and extremely vulnerable.

I see them in wheel chairs, feeding tubes, in diapers, physically handicapped as well as mentally… totally dependent… Jesus I'm crying now : (

I better shut up before I say something that will get me into trouble here.

But I will add this… I understand, the plight of the disordered partner / parent, whatever it is, borderline, schizophrenia, cluster A-C…

However, while we are trying to offer validation, and support to our spouse / partner… trying to fight the good fight, and keep things together (empathy)… that to me… is second seat to the handicapped child, young adult, or even special needs senior… because the bpd has "capacity", knowing basic right from wrong… and even as they are disordered in their 'homeostasis'… this can NOT ever over shadow the special needs kid, no.

To me, the kid comes first, and even more so in a step parent situation… the biological - marital - familial (dual parent) "symbiotic" relationship is hard enough, we read posts here every single day… so much pain, heartache, and loss… but that kid needs to be taken care of 24/7… in the case of a special needs kid, even more so, and it will never end, until you or the child goes to glory.

There is a man in my Sons program, we will call him "Danny"… Danny is almost eighty, lives with a state appointed guardian, rides the "CCATS" van everyday, he can ride his bike, because I see him up town on weekends on his bike… draws pictures of fishing boats, has lost almost all his teeth, has no living parents, or siblings, family is ____, he is about a six year (6) old in his mind… and he is freaking almost eighty!… and is as healthy as a horse, and just as strong I tell you… he lives off of about 6-7 hundred a month… wow, that's one example.

I will leave it at that gadget, you know what you need to do, we both do… you know what your life long responsibilities are, just as I do.

This is so hard…

And this is why, I can never let my own wife move back in with me and my Son, in my heart I know this... because she is abusive to my Son, and what I want or desire, takes second seat to my Son… period.

Sure, I can be supportive to her, be empathetic, and be kind to her… but I will never let her abuse my Son ever again… for the sake of keeping a bit of temporary peace with her… its a slippery slope, a fine line, hard choices to have to make…

I am not trying to say that your wife is not taking care of your Son, helping you… but consider this, and I've lived it… what mother, moves out, leaves… takes off, to "live a different life"… I am sorry, but borderline or not, that is not right, sorry, no excuses… that boy of yours, and mine… they did not deserve this… my first wife walked away, after twenty one years of marriage… and left the kids to me… S32 autistic included… what kind of mother does this… what demons in their heads override the mother instinct… someone please tell me… a mental illness… whatever… so when she leaves, and is gone, never to live in the martial home ever again… then who puts the kid to bed at night, and says his prayers with him, kisses him on his forehead goodnight, and promises to the kid, himself, and God… your going to be ok Son, Dad is right here… damn it, more tears : (

Borderline or not, the security, and sustainment of the kids home must be maintained, period… you walk away?, what is that?… what would have happened if I was the one who walked away… selfishly putting myself first, because I told myself... "I can't do this anymore"… a little late in my humble opinion… and then her visiting her Son, becomes a matter of her convenience, when she wants to… well bull $hit… I am referring to my ex wife.

I apologize if this is out of line, this is my heart talking.

Take care Brother, Red5

[gadget]

Hi Red5,

None of this is out of line.  I understand and feel how you do towards my son and other special needs people.  They are #1 in our lives for a reason.

Right now my son goes to school until he is 26.  My father-in-law puts him on the bus in the morning and gets him off the bus after school and watches him until I get home.  Sometimes my wife does it.  Sometimes my daughter.

Once he is 26 and no longer has school, not sure what I will do. My work hours can be flexible, and my father-in-law is right across the street.  Original plan before all this went down was for my wife to retire and watch him full time so I could work.  And we talked about that all along.  It must have changed in her mind once her mom passed.  I’m not worried.  I’ll figure it out.  I’m about to graduate from an online college with my BS of Cybersecurity degree.  So in 2 years, before his school is done, I should be making way more money.

I have all the tears too.  More often these days than any other time in my life.  But I will persevere regardless if she is here or not or wants to be a mother of convenience.  I do believe something in her head is overriding everything else.  And I believe through time and therapy that it can get better.

If not, I’ve got my son, kids, family and friends behind me.  She only has her best friend.  To everyone else she has abandoned us all.

Gadget

[Red5]

I am praying for you and your Son right now gadget... this hurts so bad... I am in tears... will come back soon and reply properly... you are not alone... praying for your and your Son  Brother,

Red5
 

[gadget]

Hi again Red5,

I am grateful for your prayers.  I will take all I can get.  Don't be sad.  I got this!  I have a co-worker friend that I talked to about my son, my life before any of this went down.  He user to call me Superman.  He didn't know how I could do it all.  Take care of my special needs son, drive 1.5 hr each way to work everyday, go to college online, teach karate.

I feel much better being here and sharing my story with you and all the others here.  It helps SO much and is appreciated more than I could ever tell you.  You and I and all the others will get better, stronger as we hang out here and share our stories, experiences, books that have helped us, and our personal nuggets of wisdom we have learned.

Being the parent of a special needs child (as you know) is hard, but it is also rewarding far more than anything else in my life.  He is my angel and I'd do anything for him.  Even if that means losing my wife.  She is missing out on FAR more than I ever will.  Though I cannot lie.  I miss her dearly, and pray each night that over time and therapy that she will come back to me and my family.

Take care Red5.  I appreciate you, and all other here that have responded to my stories.  I'll share many more I'm sure.

Gadget