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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: After 18 years - time to quit.  (Read 795 times)
MrRight
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« on: August 29, 2019, 08:56:45 AM »

Some of you have followed my story.

For those of you who dont know I have been married to an udBPD/NPD for 18 years.

We have a son who has been 1 year at university and he is about to start his second.

It's been rough all the way. In the first 2-3 years when I realised what I had married I set myself 2 goals

- bring up my son and get him into adult life
- leave the marriage

I have done the first - now for the second.

This summer has been particularly bad with verbal and physical abuse every day (mainly punching and kicking shaming insulting sarcasm etc).

Something happened last week the really stiffened my resolve.

On a recent day out for the three of us we go stuck in a traffic jam for 2 hours and when we arrived we all needed the toilet. They had to visit a shop and I went off to post some letters and agreed to come directly to the shop after doing this. The we would all go to the toilet in a cafe we visit. After posting the letters I was struck by a huge anxiety toilet need and dashed around to find somewhere - vanishing into a bar. When I came out I heard my name being called. My wife saw me emerge from the bar and I saw that she was very angry. She has this thing about me and my toilet needs - if I go to the toilet at home I will hear her call out "toilet again!" I work at home and she thinks I should pay more attention to my business than toilet. (!!!) So she caught me out and took revenge - loudly proclaiming in front of passers by that I care more about my penis than I do about my family. "The urinator" she called me and people were shocked. This went on for 30 minutes as we wandered the town and she raged and ridiculed. I tried apologising but it made no difference. Only complete grovelling humiliation on my part pacified her and I found myself on my knees kissing her hand. Eventually she calmed down and we got on with the day - going to a ridiculously expensive restaurant (at her suggestion).

Well yes that incident did stiffen my resolve to leave in addition to everything else.

So on the 21st sept I am moving my business and personal stuff out of the house and driving most likely to my father or sister where I will stay for a while. Haven't seen them for 10-15 years so will be good to catch up. My wife is going out on the 21st all day. So I will have the time and peace to get my stuff together. I intend to inform her by text what I have done.

Given her violent past I dont think this is unreasonable - its either this way or calling the police and asking them to be in attendance while I pack. She has previously, in a rage, threatened me with a knife. On one occasion she threw a pair of scissors at me and they stuck in my foot.

There is no way I can sit down with her and discuss. She already made her views clear. I am to pay back all debt I owe before taking into account my own wishes.

I have been watching a lot of videos on youtube about NPD etc and the more I hear and understand - the more horrified at what has happened to me these last 18 years.

So wish me luck - I do hope that after 21st I will be reporting back here with how it is going.
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2019, 08:47:10 PM »

Hi MrRight,

Wow you've been through a lot. Are you safe right now? Are you thinking about texting her before or after you plan on leaving. It's going to be good for you to see people that have known you all of you life.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, that had to be a humiliating experience being shamed like that in public.

Please do keep us posted.
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2019, 09:42:24 PM »

Hi Mr. Right.

I am so sorry things have come to this point.  I am also concerned about your safety during these next few weeks.  Do you think you will be able to ride out anything she may direct towards you calmly and without escalating things?

One thing I will urge you to do is develop a safety plan if you have not already done so.  We have one here on this site: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf and I hope you go through it and come up with a plan and make sure you have everything you will need for when you do leave.  We want to minimize any chances of you having to go back for documents, etc.

Would you be willing to talk with someone in a domestic violence shelter also just to make sure you are covering all of your bases?
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MrRight
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2019, 02:02:39 AM »

Hi Mr. Right.

I am so sorry things have come to this point.  I am also concerned about your safety during these next few weeks.  Do you think you will be able to ride out anything she may direct towards you calmly and without escalating things?

One thing I will urge you to do is develop a safety plan if you have not already done so.  We have one here on this site: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf and I hope you go through it and come up with a plan and make sure you have everything you will need for when you do leave.  We want to minimize any chances of you having to go back for documents, etc.

Would you be willing to talk with someone in a domestic violence shelter also just to make sure you are covering all of your bases?

Thanks for the advice.

I am focusing on non escalation.

I used to retaliate to a controlled degree but stopped after I made up my mind to quit - and the attacks have got worse. It's mainly punching and kicking - though she did pick up a knife in the kitchen yesterday and thrust in my direction to within maybe 1 foot. This all connected with trifles - I didn't wipe the worktop after I made a coffee, for example. The kitchen is her domain.

She threatened suicide in the early days when I was trying to get away from her. I expect it again once I have left. Should I call healthcare professionals if she does this? I dont expect her to do it as she still has a son that she will want to live for even if she loses me. Unless I have misjudged her and our son has just been a pawn all this time in her game to keep control over me.

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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2019, 02:06:18 AM »

Hi MrRight,

Wow you've been through a lot. Are you safe right now? Are you thinking about texting her before or after you plan on leaving. It's going to be good for you to see people that have known you all of you life.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, that had to be a humiliating experience being shamed like that in public.

Please do keep us posted.

yes I am safe thanks. She wont seriously injure me as I am a source of money and everything else.

Yes that was one more humiliation.

I would urge people to avoid having children if you are involved with a BPD/Narc as they will use the child to get away with atrocious behaviour.

Reality though - is just around the corner and its gonna smack her in the face. The game is up.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2019, 10:43:45 AM »

Hey Mr. R, Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  A BPD r/s can take a toll on the Non.  When I separated after 13 years of marriage, I had nothing left in the tank; I was depleted physically, emotionally and financially and could no longer go on.  I followed my Ex into the BPD swamp and barely emerged in one piece.  You will likely face some rough sledding ahead, so be prepared for drama and upheaval.  Forewarned is forearmed!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2019, 04:43:07 PM »

Hey Mr. R, Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  A BPD r/s can take a toll on the Non.  When I separated after 13 years of marriage, I had nothing left in the tank; I was depleted physically, emotionally and financially and could no longer go on.  I followed my Ex into the BPD swamp and barely emerged in one piece.  You will likely face some rough sledding ahead, so be prepared for drama and upheaval.  Forewarned is forearmed!

LuckyJim

Thanks Jim. I dont expect it to be an easy ride.

I'm already dreading the threats and shaming emails but on the other hand Im looking forward to a good nights sleep and not having to justify all my movements around the house. She has dragged me down physically - bed at 12 or after and she kicks me out to start work at 6.

the financial side will take years to unravel.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2019, 10:29:40 AM »

Hey Mr. R, You're welcome.  Good, glad you are realistic that it is unlikely to be an easy ride, because it will probably be a pretty steep uphill climb for a while.  Yet I found that I didn't mind the challenges because I regarded them as all part of my path, with my problems, not hers.

The threats and shaming emails are something you can limit w/boundaries, so it's possible to minimize the dread.  Maybe you don't take calls from her, or you move her emails to a special folder that you consult once a day.  I had an arrangement with my sister where I would forward all messages from my Ex and let her advise me whether there was anything that required a response from me.  You can figure out what works best for you.  As you take more control of the communications, I predict you will enjoy more relief.

LuckyJim



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« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2019, 02:09:27 PM »

That dreadful feeling is that anticipation that something is going to go wrong - walking on eggshells. Your pwBPD is emotionally blackmailing you or using FOG ( Fear Pbligation Guilt ) Many of us are caretakers on these boards and accustomed to sacrificing  our feelings and needs and put ourr pwBPD’s needs before ours which leads to feeling emotionally exhausted, depressed and burnt out.

We’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings, feelings are about self management and when it comes to a pwBPD they cannot self sooth or regulate their emotions it is something that they have to learn by taking therapy. You can’t have someone else help them if they are not interested with helping themselves and as long as someone is there to fix their problems and help them - there is no incentive to get help.  
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2019, 02:39:06 PM »

Excerpt
You can’t have someone else help them if they are not interested with helping themselves and as long as someone is there to fix their problems and help them - there is no incentive to get help. 

Agree w/Mutt.  Often those w/BPD don't think there is anything wrong, so they see no reason to work on their issues, which according to them are due to the Non.  It's all part of the disorder, in my view; it's too painful to admit that they have flaws, because in their black and white thinking that would mean that they are a terrible person.

LJ
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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2019, 04:58:15 PM »

Thanks for the replies - they do help.

Today was peaceful (only because I comply 100% and live by her rules) but in the evening she put a blob of red hot mustard on my plate and insisted I eat it straight to prove to our son that I can take the heat. I protested for a while but knew there would be no peace and no sleep if I did not comply. Now I feel physically ill. Im getting over it. She apologised later and said she was wrong - but of what use is that?

Cant wait for the 21st.

I have written her a letter about 10 times informing her that I have left her and why. The letter gets better and more focused every time. I am sticking to the facts (i.e physical and verbal abuse, harassment and intimidation, forced sleep deprivation etc).


Yes I hope nothing goes wrong. We are driving my son up to his new accomodation on the 12th and returning without him on the 15th. If she cancels her trip on the 21st (very unlikely) I am calling the police and asking them to be in attendance while I clear out my stuff.
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2019, 04:59:59 PM »

Agree w/Mutt.  Often those w/BPD don't think there is anything wrong, so they see no reason to work on their issues, which according to them are due to the Non.  It's all part of the disorder, in my view; it's too painful to admit that they have flaws, because in their black and white thinking that would mean that they are a terrible person.

LJ

yes I hear that all the time

"I'm like this because you dont know how to behave"
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« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2019, 04:24:23 PM »

Brief update

all still looking good for the 21st

having said that there have been such desperate times I have felt like calling my dad and sister and asking them to come around so I can get out now.

We took a 500 mile round trip on a small break a few days ago. I had to get up at 3 am and because she was mucking about could not get to bed till 12. So I drove with 3 hours sleep. 180 miles in and I am desperate for sleep and I ask for some fruit to nibble on to keep me awake - no, she says, you can wait - now DRIVE!!!

I ask several times - denied.

10 miles to go and I am screwing my eyes up to force the tiredness out of them then suddenly my vision goes - OMG this is it! Death!

But we survive - my vision suddenly returns and I struggle on the last 10 miles.

The break was like every other - hassle and harassment all the time, some break.

We got back - she's been raging as usual. Shaming and blaming etc.

On saturday we take out son 350 miles away to his university town where he will live in college accomodation - he cant wait. On tuesday we return - if I live until Saturday that will be my chance as she is going out for the day. I expect hysterics and attacks when we get back on Tuesday as our son will be far from us and she blames me for that. But she is already talking about a trip to him on the 28th and asking me questions about that trip that are irrelevant as I wont be around and she wont be going anywhere - she doesnt drive.
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« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2019, 05:40:33 PM »

Just to add

she preposterously says now and then

"you dont see me as a person"

yet she is the one denying me rights to sleep and leisure time etc
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« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2019, 09:37:21 AM »

Maybe this will help you in your resolve.

"you dont see me as a person"   This right here is projection (most likely) and she is telling you she does not see you as a person.     Paragraph header (click to insert in post)
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Everything you want is on the other side of fear.
Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
I'm going to get that damn road runner.

"A self of suffering, brings only suffering to the world.
It is a choice, and we can refuse it."  Ashkaari Canto 4
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« Reply #15 on: September 18, 2019, 01:34:23 PM »

Maybe this will help you in your resolve.

"you dont see me as a person"   This right here is projection (most likely) and she is telling you she does not see you as a person.     Paragraph header (click to insert in post)

Thanks - yeah my thoughts exactly.

3 days to go to D day.

she has been doing everything to ruin this exciting new chapter of our son's life - using her raging insanity to push him to the limits then claim he is the one who is not fit to live on campus without his mum.

but we made it - spent several days there with him and now we are back just the 2 of us.

on the way back late at night, she wanted nuts and dates

"get me nuts and dates - you know I like them. How are you going to ensure there are 3 types of nuts and dates by the time we get home?" Its 1 AM


Being the stupid empath I am I keep giving her new chances - but she can never keep it up

"get up. work!!! you have debts!!!" (this is 6 am after 4 hours sleep)

(NB all my debts were family expenses - I never spent anything on myself. She always said it was her job to spend and mine to earn)

OK  - not long now will keep you posted. Freedom awaits.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2019, 02:40:40 PM »

Good luck Mr. R and keep us posted!  LJ
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« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2019, 05:41:55 PM »

You are doing this for you AND your beloved son.

Wishing you strength!

Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2019, 05:50:28 PM »

That is absolutely horrifying that you were humiliated in public, I am so sorry.  I wish you the best in getting to a safe place both physically and emotionally.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2019, 06:08:17 PM »

You sound quite resolved -- that is good.

What is your plan for telling your son, so he can set boundaries when his mother reacts to The New Reality?

Do you think your wife might react with false accusations? Do you have the ability to talk to your local police to give them a heads-up that she might react, shall we say, gracelessly?
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« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2019, 12:56:32 AM »

You sound quite resolved -- that is good.

What is your plan for telling your son, so he can set boundaries when his mother reacts to The New Reality?

Do you think your wife might react with false accusations? Do you have the ability to talk to your local police to give them a heads-up that she might react, shall we say, gracelessly?

He knows. We spent the whole summer talking about this and I re-assured him of course it will make no difference to our relationship. He has also urged me not to miss this opportunity.

He already has issues with her, has to deal with 100+ texts a day and lengthy skype session at night. I expect this could intensify as she loses control over me she may switch her focus 100% to him. I'm not sure what to tell him how to handle it.

I have no fear of the police. I have a wound on my hand where she attacked me with a knife a few days ago and I think if they speak to me and her they will understand who is the violent one. My son will also back me up if necessary.
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« Reply #21 on: September 19, 2019, 10:40:37 AM »


3 days to go to D day.

OK  - not long now will keep you posted. Freedom awaits.


 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Everything you want is on the other side of fear.
Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
I'm going to get that damn road runner.

"A self of suffering, brings only suffering to the world.
It is a choice, and we can refuse it."  Ashkaari Canto 4
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« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2019, 01:21:20 PM »

He knows. We spent the whole summer talking about this and I re-assured him of course it will make no difference to our relationship. He has also urged me not to miss this opportunity.

He already has issues with her, has to deal with 100+ texts a day and lengthy skype session at night. I expect this could intensify as she loses control over me she may switch her focus 100% to him. I'm not sure what to tell him how to handle it.

I have no fear of the police. I have a wound on my hand where she attacked me with a knife a few days ago and I think if they speak to me and her they will understand who is the violent one. My son will also back me up if necessary.


All three of my DH's children had asked why he did not divorce their mother, when in their teens. When they heard he was initiating the divorce after 13 years living separately (because we had reconnected and wanted to marry), they were so happy for him. It is wonderful to have the support of adult children who know the truth.

You might want to suggest that your son contact his university's counseling services. They can help and support him. I too fear that he will become her focus.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
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« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2019, 02:19:30 PM »

All three of my DH's children had asked why he did not divorce their mother, when in their teens. When they heard he was initiating the divorce after 13 years living separately (because we had reconnected and wanted to marry), they were so happy for him. It is wonderful to have the support of adult children who know the truth.

You might want to suggest that your son contact his university's counseling services. They can help and support him. I too fear that he will become her focus.

He not only supports me but when I said to him - maybe just another year - he said - whats the point?

He has also suffered - she brought him up like a tiger mum - 3 instruments etc - had to be a star at school.

This bit makes me thinks she has narcissistic traits mixed in with extreme BPD.

I will suggest counselling to him.

I had counselling (free) when I did my degree and it was great. I recall well my last session before graduation

"Mr Right" She said, "You have the rest of your life ahead of you!"

Ha ha ha if only she knew what a mess I made.
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« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2019, 02:47:51 PM »

I have written her a letter something along the lines of factually informing her that I have cleared out many of my possessions from the house, have moved out and want to terminate our marriage.

I apologise for not informing her in person but in view of her tendency to impulsive violence and recent threats and attacks with a knife - I had no option but to protect my own safety and move away before informing what I have done.

I then list specifically why I am walking away from the marriage

detailing

Ongoing physical and verbal abuse including a recent attack with a knife that left a 3 inch scar on my finger and substantial bleeding. I also admit to retaliating on a few occasions over 18 years under extreme provocation and say I deeply regret those.
Daily Shaming and blaming.
Intimidation and harassment.
Threats of reprisals unless expectations are not met.
Enforced sleep deprivation.
Refusing to allow relaxation time.
Physical attacks on me when driving plus threats of reprisals if I don't drive how she says I should.
Fears for my heart condition when she is raging or coming into my office to check my work.
Destruction of my office chair by lifting and slamming to the floor plus destruction of 3 lap tops in 10 years and various mice and keyboards.
Refusing to accept any difference of opinion and insisting I take her view with threats of reprisals for not.
Humiliations in public including insisting I get down on my knees with threats of reprisals if I dont, in front of our son.
Harassing me over my toilet needs to the extent I now have a disorder - anxiety and trouble holding my water.

I then go on to explain that I cant live under these circumstances any more and want a divorce. Then I say some stuff about finances - how I will continue to support her for the time being and asking her to email me if she has anything to say. I wish her luck for the future and hope she will take as a positive of our marriage the wonderful son we brought up together.

I make it clear I have not met another woman and am leaving only for the reasons stated above.

I finish by recommending she find a solictor.

Well - does that all sound reasonable as a letter to break up a marriage? What have I left out? What shouldnt be there?


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« Reply #25 on: September 19, 2019, 03:15:00 PM »

Dear Mr. Right-

I’m not sure what others may think, but I believe in the “less is more” position.  I would NOT state ANYTHING about you doing anything physical to her in the 18 years (regardless of provocation)... that could be dangerous for you.

And I most certainly would NOT apologize for leaving.  With the very extreme level of physical and verbal abuse you’ve endured, I understand the urge to apologize, but you do NOT owe her that.

Finally, please think about “inviting” emails from her.  Any further contact should be through YOUR attorney (solicitor).  The last thing you need or deserve is for her to bash you with more verbal abuse to try to “win” or “guilt” you into coming back.

Please stay VERY STRONG.  You deserve safety, freedom and peace.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 
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« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2019, 03:40:39 PM »

Dear Mr. Right-

I’m not sure what others may think, but I believe in the “less is more” position.  I would NOT state ANYTHING about you doing anything physical to her in the 18 years (regardless of provocation)... that could be dangerous for you.

And I most certainly would NOT apologize for leaving.  With the very extreme level of physical and verbal abuse you’ve endured, I understand the urge to apologize, but you do NOT owe her that.

Finally, please think about “inviting” emails from her.  Any further contact should be through YOUR attorney (solicitor).  The last thing you need or deserve is for her to bash you with more verbal abuse to try to “win” or “guilt” you into coming back.

Please stay VERY STRONG.  You deserve safety, freedom and peace.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

thanks for your advice about admitting to anything - yes - good point.

She will possibly come back and accuse me of all sorts of fictitious stuff anyway.

Im gonna block her on my mobile - though I guess she will use our son to get messages to me and she is bound to email thousands of words. I expect threats - she will kill the dog - kill herself - burn the house down - report me to the tax people etc etc. I'm ready.

but who knows? she might just say - "I was expecting it - good luck to you"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
What is your relationship status with them: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3302



« Reply #27 on: September 19, 2019, 03:54:10 PM »

Dear Mr. Right-

I’m not sure what others may think, but I believe in the “less is more” position.  I would NOT state ANYTHING about you doing anything physical to her in the 18 years (regardless of provocation)... that could be dangerous for you.

And I most certainly would NOT apologize for leaving.  With the very extreme level of physical and verbal abuse you’ve endured, I understand the urge to apologize, but you do NOT owe her that.

Finally, please think about “inviting” emails from her.  Any further contact should be through YOUR attorney (solicitor).  The last thing you need or deserve is for her to bash you with more verbal abuse to try to “win” or “guilt” you into coming back.

Please stay VERY STRONG.  You deserve safety, freedom and peace.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

I agree with Gemsforeyes, I understand your desire to get your feelings out and tell her how hurtful she has been, but it will not help.  It will become ammunition that is used against you, your list will get twisted into things you didn't mean, and this list is gasoline on an already smoldering drama fire.

You are leaving and it is about protecting yourself and your son from here on out.  Giving this list to your wife will not help you, you admit to things that may be used against you, you give her clues as to what situations you might use in your divorce/custody case, and honestly if she hasn't understood what you say in your letter for years there is no reason to expect her to get it now.

Write it in your journal to get it out but don't share this with her because in my opinion it will only come back and bite you in the butt.

As you are about to transition out of your marriage you may want to do some posting on the "Family Law Board"  there is a lot of wisdom through experience and strategy to be found there.

Panda39

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 780


« Reply #28 on: September 19, 2019, 03:55:17 PM »

I think more important than your farewell letter (aside from your NOT taking blame) is changing any passwords on all deposit accounts and taking credit cards with you to protect finances from her abuse and cleaning out accounts.

Perhaps move funds YOU need into an individual account to prevent her from going into the bank and cleaning you out.  Have you thought about that part?  Be smart and “selfish” for now.  You can give money TO her later, but you will NOT be able to get money back once she takes it from you.

If she makes any threats once you’re gone, protocol is to call authorities.  You do NOT “rescue”.

Discretion and calm... at all costs, my friend.

Gemsforeyes
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Gemsforeyes
******
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 780


« Reply #29 on: September 19, 2019, 03:58:07 PM »

Great point, Panda.

Maybe now switch to Family Law Board below so we remember everything to change (accounts, ex); and what to take?

And Mr. Right...once you are out and safe, we can work through the real detaching process with you here.

Gems
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