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Author Topic: I think I’m beyond help right now. I’ve never been so low  (Read 1062 times)
RomanticFool
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« on: September 04, 2019, 01:29:43 PM »

I think I’m beyond help right now. I’ve never been so low after a break up. It’s like this woman has put a love curse on me or something. It’s truly cataclysmic in my mind. Each day I don’t hear from her I slip further and further away from peace. I was kept going through most of the last three months by assurances that she would reconnect and she always did. This time she means it. There will be no reconnection. She won’t come and see the play and she won’t ever know the agony she’s put me through...or care.
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« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2019, 10:55:43 AM »

Hey RF,

Okay, can you clarify, she's contacted you to tell you she's not coming to see the play and she's never going to contact you again?

What makes you so inclined to have this level of chaos in your life?

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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2019, 12:28:13 PM »

The last communication was last weekend but she has shown no interest in seeing the play despite saying she would love to come. It may be because I’m not chasing her that she has withdrawn further but I think it’s more likely that she just doesn’t want the relationship anymore as she has told me.

I’m not inclined to have chaos in my life. Unfortunately I focused my love and hopes of a bright, happy future onto a damaged woman.
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« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2019, 12:29:53 PM »

i hear your pain, RF.

the challenge before you is to survive it, without fleeing to the same old unhealthy comforts.

sometimes, over and over, life gives us that opportunity to free ourselves, and we delay it, and remain in chains.

if you can buckle down and face it this time, your life will change.
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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2019, 01:24:51 PM »

There will be no running back to her or jumping into another relationship. I need to get my head together and heal.
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« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2019, 03:00:33 PM »

Hi RomanticFool,

It may be because I’m not chasing her that she has withdrawn further

What if you chased? Do you think that it would push her further away? I have an anxious attachment style acutally there a lot of people that have that type of attachment style my current gf is not mentally ill, she has an avoidant attachment style - the opposite of my attachment style.

A person with my type of attachment style will cling and try harder if they sense that there is space between themselves and the other person, the person with the avoidant attachment style will start to push the anxious person because they fear being engulfed in the r/s.

I guess what I am trying to say is maybe she's not going to start pulling today, maybe she will start pulling in a week from now or later nobody knows. I can relate with you in the sense that I feel really anxious and start to worry when I feel like my gf has withdrawn sometimes I don't hear from her for three days and then I start thinking the worst, I think that she's not interested in me etc. They are irrational thoughts.

I'm sorry that you're feeling really low right now I think that you're thinking worse case scenario, giving space will be the best thing to do, she will eventually pull but sometimes we expect results right away, you can't know for sure when they are going to do it, maybe she is busy with something in her life.

That being said, she didn't necessarily give you a love curse I'd suggest reading about attachement styles we have article here It helps a lot when you understand what is going on, it's something that you can blame your parents on because it is developed in your early childhood according to the type of attachment style that your caregiver or parent has.

This space is probably perfect for you because it gives you a chance to reflect, do self work and a chance to take care of yourself.
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« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2019, 03:33:51 PM »

I haven’t seen her for six weeks. She ended the relationship six weeks ago, tried to reconnect two weeks later demanding an invite to my play. I held a boundary around the break up/make up cycle and she reiterated that she didn’t want me in her life. I then suggested a cinema trip and she said ‘only as friends’ and I said we were more than just friends. She reiterated that the r/s was over. As a last resort I asked her if she still wanted to see the play and she said ‘Love to but don’t know when.’ I told her it ended next week and there has been no further communication. I am still blocked on WhatsApp and she hasn’t emailed me of her own volition for four weeks. She told me at the beginning of the relationship that she moves on quickly when relationships are over. She has walked out of everyone she has ever had. She isn’t coming back. I am history.
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« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2019, 04:11:50 PM »

i hear your pain, RF.

the challenge before you is to survive it, without fleeing to the same old unhealthy comforts.

sometimes, over and over, life gives us that opportunity to free ourselves, and we delay it, and remain in chains.

if you can buckle down and face it this time, your life will change.

THIS RIGHT HERE!

sending love and support your way

r
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« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2019, 04:16:43 PM »

I held a boundary around the break up/make up cycle and she reiterated that she didn’t want me in her life.

You set a boundary for a reason, probably because you were fed up with the push / pull behavior.

What does that say that if you put up a boundary the other person threatens you? How respectful is that? It telegraphs that if she doesn't have %100 power in the r/s then she doesn't want you? How black and white is that?

Take control of this by making a choice to not pursue by sticking up for yourself, for your own self respect, if you chase her then it tells her that it's ok for her to behave that way, women will have more respect for you if you don't give into their every whim by sticking up for yourself.

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« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2019, 06:08:50 PM »

Excerpt
You set a boundary for a reason, probably because you were fed up with the push / pull behavior.

Yes, i was totally fed up with it. I allowed her to do it for far too long.

Excerpt
What does that say that if you put up a boundary the other person threatens you? How respectful is that? It telegraphs that if she doesn't have %100 power in the r/s then she doesn't want you? How black and white is that?

100% correct. It is clear to me now that this has been about power for her for some time. Perhaps right from the start? I don't know. I can't say precisely when her attitude changed but the power element is crucial to her. Perhaps she felt out of control because I was married and her feelings were at stake. However much I analyse my own behaviour and I have done in great detail with Skip on here, I am still of the opinion that whatever I did would probably have resulted in the same dynamic of her wanting full control. She has been pushing me away in one form or another since we began. That is her pathology. Mine was to chase. No more. I've had enough.

Excerpt
Take control of this by making a choice to not pursue by sticking up for yourself, for your own self respect, if you chase her then it tells her that it's ok for her to behave that way, women will have more respect for you if you don't give into their every whim by sticking up for yourself.

I always have stuck up for myself which is why the r/s turned so toxic; she saw me standing up to her as abuse. She also realised that by cutting me off whatsapp it made me chase her. It's particularly galling because when we were still engaged in the formative stages of the r/s and I cut her off once in retaliation, she made me promise never to do it again as she had the worst night sleep ever. She promptly did it to me again not long after. I never wanted to cut her off anywhere, I only ever did it after she had done it to me. I wish I'd put a boundary down the first time she did it and said that I'd walk if she ever did it again. I was too forgiving.
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« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2019, 06:56:00 PM »

Perhaps she felt out of control because I was married and her feelings were at stake.

I think that you are right that she felt out of control, a pwBPD will feel out of control emotionally and to compensate for those feelings in a dysfunctional way they will try to control their environment to assuage those feelings.

That is her pathology. Mine was to chase. No more. I've had enough.

I agree, if the other party has no interest you don't need them to make changes if you want to get off the roller coaster, approach it differently, don't chase and see what happens.

It's particularly galling because when we were still engaged in the formative stages of the r/s and I cut her off once in retaliation, she made me promise never to do it again as she had the worst night sleep ever.

It sounds like a very anxious person.

She promptly did it to me again not long after.

A pwBPD will break-up or leave their partner first out of fears that their partner is going to leave them - irrational thinking and it is a coping mechanism in doing what they do by leaving the person first they are creating what they fear - abandonment,you're still experiencing abandonment if you're coping mechanism in a relationship is to leave first.


I never wanted to cut her off anywhere, I only ever did it after she had done it to me.

Knowing what you know now, don't take the behaviors personally.
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« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2019, 06:59:49 PM »

There will be no running back to her or jumping into another relationship. I need to get my head together and heal.

How long have you felt this way/has this been your decision?

Would you like our support on detaching to help you follow through on your plan?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2019, 02:14:20 AM »

FF,

I've felt that she didn't care in the way that I did for quite some time. Since we returned from holiday her behaviour became more hostile and the push/pull more extreme. Threats that she had other options, her 17 year old daughter texting me that she didn't want me in the house as I 'upset her mother.' In the end the relationship became untenable and I didn't even know what I was fighting for if I couldn't even be in her house with her.
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« Reply #13 on: September 06, 2019, 03:50:25 AM »

RF,

I believe it was discussed before and you accepted that you had an addictive personality. I believe there was an extensive discussion about your addiction to limerence. 

What has worked in the past when attempting to get unhooked from stuff? You've had some success with alcohol through AA, what did you learn from AA that you think you can shift across to help you here?

I gave up smoking years back and the only way I could do it was to go cold turkey. I know others who quit by cutting down and slowly eliminating cigarettes from their life. What worked for you?

If cold turkey worked for you could you commit to a period of say 1 year where you stayed celibate, sought no contact with women on a 1 to 1 level and committed this period of time to self decomposition and reconstruction. to get your house in order. I sense an extended, almost excessive period of ceasing all attempts to reach for the utopia is your only hope to sustaining a LIFE that is self sufficient WITHOUT the need for other influences be that booze, women or anything else. During this detox period you will learn how to love life through life, rather through the distorted lens of addictions.

I don't drink a vast amount but that's on a British standard, so on a global standard I'm probably a rampant alki... I abstained from booze in Jan... what I found alarming was how much I missed it. I didn't realise that it was much of a crutch for me until I chose not to partake. Sometimes I'd find myself standing there in the kitchen thinking "what on earth can I drink!". I drink again now, but I also drink a heck of a lot more water... just plain out dull water.

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« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2019, 07:20:36 AM »


RF,

I get it this is a very unsure time for you.  It can be hard to think things through in times like this.

I'm hoping you can take time with a couple cups of coffee (or your favorite morning beverage) this morning and think about the question I asked.

How can we best support you here?  Accountability partners to keep you on track?  Listen?  Provide alternative ideas?



FF,

I've felt that she didn't care in the way that I did for quite some time. Since we returned from holiday her behaviour became more hostile and the push/pull more extreme. Threats that she had other options, her 17 year old daughter texting me that she didn't want me in the house as I 'upset her mother.' In the end the relationship became untenable and I didn't even know what I was fighting for if I couldn't even be in her house with her.

It doesn't appear you answered the question.  What do you think?



Best,

FF
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« Reply #15 on: September 06, 2019, 12:48:44 PM »

Romantic Fool,

I have not posted on your threads for sometime, but if I may... 

I spent some time in therapy trying to sort out what in the wide wide world of sports happened to me.  I also spent a year on a light anti-depressant to help with my response to therapy and I feel both in conjunction did me a lot of good.  Therapy isn't a magical silver bullet, it is a lot of work -but it was time well spent.  I learned a lot and am much happier for it.

It really helped me to have an honest, compassionate, and yet firm hand on my road back to baseline. He was also a wonderful resource for good books to read between sessions. 

I found no shame in admitting to myself 'at this point in my life I need a bit of help.'  Well... because it was the truth.  I was in a position where I was depressed and I could no longer self soothe.  I needed to get back to being myself again.

I am very sorry for the pain and confusion you are feeling -but I have a feeling I understand on a level. 
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« Reply #16 on: September 06, 2019, 01:45:02 PM »

Excerpt
.How can we best support you here?  Accountability partners to keep you on track?  Listen?  Provide alternative ideas? 
.

Every day I wake up and am relieved that I haven’t killed myself. I am stronger than I thought. I have been to the darkest of dark places. So today for the first time I felt slightly less pain. I am throwing myself into work and SLAA meetings. Working on myself while distracting myself from the awfulness or losing this person I’d given my heart to. I now see how deluded I was to think she would be reliable. She was never really interested in me, she was interested in what I could do for her.

How can you help me? Help me restore my battered self esteem while keeping my addictive nature in check. My life is in crisis but every day I stay away from this banshee who ensnared by heart, body and soul thus is a day closer to health.
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« Reply #17 on: September 06, 2019, 01:52:01 PM »

Thank you Wicker Man. My finances unfortunately won’t cover the cost of  therapy. I go to AA and SLAA meetings and have been reading a great book on Love Addiction written by a woman. I have friends who have done therapy and are in the rooms of the fellowships I attend. That’s the best I can do right now. The grief has been so profound and destructive to my life but it has taught me a lesson and I understand that I need to focus on myself now follow my path to health. To this end I am extending the hand of friendship to male friends and discovering who I am again. Luckily I have a career that I love and have many projects lined up but these are all self started unpaid projects and I must keep the eternal struggle to pay my mortgage at the top of my agenda. The only self soothing I’ve been able to do has been through meetings and distraction. The tools of AA have helped a little but it’s really about going through the long, dark tunnel of grief and coming out the other side. Thank you for your post.
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« Reply #18 on: September 06, 2019, 01:53:42 PM »

Enabler,

Thanks for your post. I’ll comment in more detail when I get home tonight but I am definitely going to abstain from emotional attachments for a while for sure.
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« Reply #19 on: September 06, 2019, 02:23:36 PM »

I have a career that I love and have many projects lined up

As I recall you are, like me, in entertainment.  I hope one of your up and coming projects 'hits'. I certainly understand the feast or famine nature of the freelance beast -but it is always interesting.   I will keep my fingers crossed for you! 
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« Reply #20 on: September 06, 2019, 03:10:20 PM »

  My finances unfortunately won’t cover the cost of  therapy. 

I would say working through the numbers and options on this is likely the best thing we can do to help you.

Offhand, since you won't have the expenses involved with a relationship (dates and social outings), don't you think that would offset most of the cost difference?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #21 on: September 06, 2019, 03:23:45 PM »

Well on paper FF that would be the case but I’m already £5k in credit card debt and owe the tax money. I’m doing a play for which I’m being paid a pittance and faced with the prospect of extra expense when my wife finally moves out. I go to SLAA and AA in lieu of therapy.

Wicker Man, it’s very much famine at present. Once upon a time I made decent money but not at present. I actually got myself in more debt seeing the affair woman as she was always slow to put her hand in her pocket and she let me pay for the holiday. So I’ll definitely be better off not seeing her. It only takes one decent job to turn it around. In the meantime I must live.
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« Reply #22 on: September 06, 2019, 03:31:06 PM »


How much would the therapy cost?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #23 on: September 06, 2019, 05:01:19 PM »

I also spent a year on a light anti-depressant to help with my response to therapy and I feel both in conjunction did me a lot of good.

I agree with Wicker Man, have you talked to an MD or GP about depression Romantic Fool? This is from my personal experience and it is my own opinion, opinions will vary but anti-depressants won't make everything like sunshine and flowers it makes it easier to function I'm not expending mental energy fighting my internal battles which makes it much more difficult to function.
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« Reply #24 on: September 06, 2019, 05:32:55 PM »

I was on a low dose of bupropion hydrochloride which is not an SSRI, but instead acts on  dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine -mostly dopamine.  It seemed to make it easier to keep my feet moving. 

I knew I was depressed, so I kept making myself do the things which I knew were good for me -walking, biking, gym.  They were joyless for a good while, but I felt the way out of the depression was to force a re-boot by doing the things which I had enjoyed.  The Wellbutrin seemed to make this a little easier.  There was no difference in my cognition per se -but it did make getting off the sofa a bit easier.

I stopped last month and all in all I feel pretty well.  Still a little shell shocked from the turmoil I added to my life a couple years ago... but it seems the worst has past and things are looking up.

Please keep in mind my suggestions do not imply any judgement -I am simply letting you know what worked for me.  Break a leg on your play by the way!

As a post script I do not believe anyone is ever beyond help.  There is always a light after darkness. 

PPS If you are a smoker bupropion hydrochloride is also known as Zyban and prescribed in the US to help stop smoking.  So... win win Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #25 on: September 07, 2019, 11:47:04 AM »

Wicker Man,

I feel like I’ve come out of the absolute worst of the depression. I’ve been able to go running this week and getting fit always lifts my mood. I’m coming out of the really darkest of dark places. I’ve been trying to make sense of the whole relationship and with a bit of distance now I can see how she always had one foot out of the relationship despite declaring undying love for me at the beginning. I said to her during the r/s when she would withhold her love that I feel like she’s been playing a trick on me, telling me she loves me and then taking it all back. That’s how I feel now that the relationship is over. I keep wondering if she will come back but I don’t think she will. To some extent she followed the BPD pathology but she shows no sign of trying to recycle now that she has moved on. I just have this intuition that she’s done with me never to return. She really has shown zero empathy toward me and the discard has been swift and brutal. I can look at my issues all day long and I will carry on doing so but ultimately she was unreliable and despite being massively fearful of my constancy and commitment, I have proven true to my word and my love for her endured while hers either died quickly or was never really there in the first place. I will continue to grieve and try to move on with my life. I don’t intend on spending the next year analysing why I was so hooked on her, I already have a strong idea of why. I intend to spend some time looking at myself but also time reconstructing my life along the lines that I want to live it so that I don’t go completely gaga over the next femme fatale that flutters her eyes at me. I must protect myself from the tyranny of screwed up women that seem to plague my existence. I can only do that by recognising my co-dependence and try to explore where it originates. At the end of the day she just wasted my time with her false presentation of a reliable and trustworthy partner. She has been a disgrace to womankind as far as her treatment of me is concerned and I’m angry at her.
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« Reply #26 on: September 07, 2019, 11:52:09 AM »

Mutt,

I don’t intend to medicalise grief. I can feel myself getting stronger. This has been a very dark and dangerous episode in my life but Im coming through the very worst of it. Rather than sedate myself I want to fire on all cylinders for the work I have ahead of me. I will come back from this stronger and wiser. There will be dark days ahead but I am now intent on enjoying my life and not letting this banshee take me down with her emotional brutality.
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« Reply #27 on: September 07, 2019, 11:59:42 AM »

  I will come back from this stronger and wiser. 

I'm interested to understand how this is going to happen?

What is going to be different about "this" comeback?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2019, 01:54:21 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339368.msg13074786#msg13074786

Thank you.
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