And just like that she is back in my life.

[bated]

Mod Note:  this is a continuation of this thread located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339276.0

And just like that she is back in my life.  Invited me to meet up at a neutral venue and is very cautious but she has softened.  It is clear that she is conflicted and asked to take things slowly.

I have been her before and I always take things very slowly and wait for her to open up before discussing what happened.  I make like nothing has happened and I have just been away for a while.

My plan is to set a boundary when we eventually discuss what happened.  Something along the lines of:  I understand that there are times that you need space, everyone does from time to time.  In future, if you need a break from the relationship just ask for some time apart before you make any big decisions.  We can set a fixed time period of time apart before we resume contact.

I would value input on how best to set this boundary?  I always struggle with this ...

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[ColdKnight]

I struggled with the same thing. All I asked was that she communicate with me. She was very fond of giving me the silent treatment when she was upset. I would rather her say. “I’m a little upset right now and need some time to process. I’ll get ahold of you when I’m ready to talk”

Someone on this forum pointed out that her silent treatment was HER way of communicating that she didn’t want to talk. To me it seemed like she enjoyed giving me the silent treatment. I would send her a validating text each day and she would ignore me. So frustrating...

[RomanticFool]

I’m the end the constant silent treatment and blocking me from WhatsApp is what killed the r/s with my ex. The last time she ended the r/s and then came back after two weeks and told me that I hadn’t tried hard enough to reconnect. She then demanded a ticket for a show I’m doing. In the past I would have just told her to come to the theatre and ignored he two week ST but on this occasion we had only been back from holiday for two weeks when she cut me off again. The previous time she cut me off was for three weeks when I had felt suicidal and emailed her every day begging her to come back. I reminded her of all this on this occasion and said that the first time she cut me off I spent three hours outside her flat trying to entice her out. I also bought cinema tickets on the first reconnection and she refused to come out of her flat. This time I put a boundary and it resulted in her leaving the r/s in outrage. The r/s could only work for her in the end if I was chasing her.  She had devalued me to such an extent that she wanted me to be constantly contrite and on the back foot. I wouldn’t do it the second time. Then we agreed to go to the cinema together but she only wanted to go as friends. Since she had recently accused me of abuse when I grabbed her wrist to stop her walking off with my cinema ticket, I didn’t want to put myself in the position of trying to hold her hand and being accused of assaulting her. I took the extremely painful decision to put another boundary up around the nature of our r/s, telling her that since we had recently been away on holiday together and made love every day, I couldn’t just be platonic friends. This launched her into a rage and that was the last straw for her. I should have put firm and clear boundaries down at the beginning of the r/s. I should not have become embroiled in extended texting arguments. I should not have remained in my marriage. It was an impossible situation. I miss her terribly but I don’t miss the abuse and toxicity. You’re doing the right thing by setting clear boundaries.

[bated]

I notice that she is very nitpicky with me and I think this is her way of slowing things down and maybe a bit of push/pull.  She says that I am very nice and kind, but maybe too kind for her.  Things like that ...

I will keep updating as I hope this will help others to understand BPD behavior.

[RomanticFool]

There needs to be a certain amount of mystery too. Don’t be too available to her constantly. Keep your own things going . Make her chase you a bit.

[bated]

So just experienced a pretty scathing attack over text message. We had a nice time in person so not sure where this has come from.

Said I am too insecure to be with her.  I did not react and stayed calm and validated what she said. I made sure to validate but not agree.

I was initially a bit hurt but I know this is the BPD so not taking it personally.

I am interested to see where this goes.

[ColdKnight]

You are a better man than I am. I just got so sick of playing the validation game. Keep us posted on your progress.

[RomanticFool]

Bated,

I agree with Cold Knight, it’s bloody exhausting constantly validating and trying to keep them onside. She is clearly confused and conflicted and not certain of her feelings for you. If I were you I’d give her space and get on with your own life. Once the push/pull goes into over drive it’s only a matter of time before she ends the r/s and puts you through an awful lot more pain. Give her space and get on with your own life. A little absence for her life may make her appreciate you more.

[RomanticFool]

Bated,

You are worth more than being in an up and down r/s where she is devaluing and treating you with disrespect. What she is really saying is that you are too clingy to her. She probably doesn’t know how to articulate it properly but she feels things are not right and you are needy and not the strong man she craves. Back off and concentrate on your own life. This is not going to get any better for you with her in this current mindset. Save yourself some pain.

[bated]

So she upped the attack.  She even sent me a photo of me followed by a picture of gym instructor I am guessing she is now using to "ease her pain".  The irony is she kept insisting I could not afford her but she is now with someone who definitely can't afford her.

I won't lie it really hurt and I cracked under the sustained onslaught.  I did not say anything nasty but asked her some probing questions about her need to continue treatment for BPD before she gets into another relationship.  I recognized some of the descriptions from the books on BPD, e.g. she would say the most hurtful things and then tell me she was trying to help me and not be nasty.  It takes a man better than me to not take what she said personally.  With hindsight I should have ignored or blocked her but she hit too many nerves.

She threatened me with a restraining order and then promptly blocked me.  Been here before so not really surprised by it.  I am really tired but honestly not feeling much of anything, more a sense of relief if that makes sense.  I still care for her but also pity her.

THE END (or is it?)

[ColdKnight]

What did you say/text her before she upped the attack and sent a picture of the gym guy?

[bated]

I said something along the lines of I was struggling to reconcile what she said in bed when she declared her love for me vs the way she was acting now (she admitted that she did remember saying it).  I said take some time to think it through and I am here if she wants to talk.

[RomanticFool]

Bated,

This sounds horribly familiar. I was threatened with a restraining order several times for challenging things my ex said.

As I said above. Save yourself the pain, my friend. She is not a person who is ever going to make you happy. Walk away now and save yourself further agony. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can meet someone else who makes you happy rather than strips you of your self esteem, confidence and dignity. Get out now. You deserve better.

[bated]

Thanks RF.  I am at that point.  The pattern after a serious breakup is always the same.  I cease all contact then after about two weeks she sends a string of abusive messages filled with anger and hatred.

I have blocked her on my phone and will cease all contact.  My concern is that she has "stalked" me in the past and by this I mean she used to visit my house and play with my dogs when I was not home.  I had cameras installed which I used to monitor my dogs and caught her doing this more than once. I also bought a new couch after a lengthy break up only to find that when we got back together that she had bought exactly the same couch.  She said her cousin had given it to her but I could tell that it was new.

She also will post pictures of herself on social media looking at her best.  Typically the pictures will be tagged at a location near to where I live.

I am concerned as she cannot afford DBT on her own and without the treatment she is only going to go downhill.  Even after everything she has done,  I still care about her wellbeing.

[RomanticFool]

Of course you care about her, but her mental health is not your responsibility. She has a history of push/pull and a break up/make up cycle. I have been exactly where you are and trying to get them to see their part in the situation is next to impossible. Let her go and do what she is going to do. It seems that the restraining order threat is projection of her own behaviour. This is chaos and drama that you don't need. She doesn't care about you. She doesn't love you. Damaged people don't really know how to love. Go find somebody who can love you back the way you deserve.

[bated]

I caved and sent her a message saying that I am here for her.  The result was a string of angry texts telling me why I am in the friend zone.  The thing is I am not needy, the first time she broke up with me I simply cut her out of my life (before I knew she had BPD).  The result was a lot of anger from her about how she truly loved me and how I did not love her back.  After reading up on how to support your partner,  I might have overdone the "I am here for you".  This is part of the learning curve for me.

So my advice to anyone who really wants their pwBPD back is not to over do the "I am here for you".   State it, then set a boundary,  I am not going to respond while you are angry then be true to your word until they soften towards you.

[once removed]

bated,

whether you want to detach or reconcile this relationship, the first step is getting to an emotionally grounded place.

these are volatile circumstances. we can help you navigate.

in order to do that, can you tell us whether you are done with the relationship, or if theres even a 5% chance youd do it again?

[bated]

I definitely want her back.  I have never loved someone like I love her even my ex wife who I was married to for 11 years (I hasten to add that I met her after I was divorced)!  I am honestly in a fairly good place at the moment.  I keep reminding myself that I have not done anything wrong and I am listening to audiobooks about relationships with BPD.  They really do help and I often go to the relevant chapters and listen again to the parts which apply.

The bit I struggle with the most is knowing that she is on dating apps and will find someone quickly if she really wants to.  This is part of the radical acceptance if I understand correctly?  She has used sex in the past as a way to self harm but this is one area she has learned self control.  She admitted that it made her hate herself.

[once removed]

I keep reminding myself that I have not done anything wrong

it may not be about right and wrong.

the relationship didnt get to this place over night. it got here through deterioration and dysfunction over night. you both have responsibility in that, and if you want to reconcile the relationship, it likely falls on you to lead it into a healthier direction.

having said that, this is in a really, really difficult place. if she is threatening a restraining order, it is a sign that the best, most constructive and healthiest thing you can do is give this space, and not over pursue, until she is more receptive.

more over, its the self respecting thing to do. shes throwing some pretty low blows. im not telling you to use tit for tat or show her what for. i am telling you that the self respecting thing is not to respond to that by telling her you are there for her. its to have no part of that. a large part of being in a relationship with someone with BPD traits is surviving confrontation and disrespect in a constructive way - one that says "i love you, but i am not a door mat". 

what do you think?

[bated]

That makes sense and is part of learning which I don't think the books do a good job of explaining.  The books use standalone examples but unfortunately relationships are a lot more fluid than the examples.  It is knowing when to stand your ground and when to let them know you are there for them.

I have sent her an email where I have said my peace and I have set a boundary.  Along the lines of:  I am doing my own thing.  I am here if you want to speak on the phone but I will not do this over text message.

I am going to leave it there.  If I hear from her then great, if not then so be it.

[ColdKnight]

I wholeheartedly agree with you on the overvalidating issue. I did the same and it got me nowhere.

I really wished I had not re contacted her after she told me she would call me right back but never did. I waited two weeks and couldn’t control myself and texted. Huge loss of self respect.

I firmly believe if you don’t respect yourself they won’t respect you either and you can’t love someone you don’t respect.

Set a firm boundary and stick to it but be prepared never to hear from her again.

[Harri]

A reminder to our members:  We have a "no run" policy on this board.   Members who post on this board are looking for solutions to better the relationship dynamics and as such, telling them to walk or run is against policy.

"Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity."

For more Information please see the following:   Who Should Post on This Board

Thank you.

[bated]

Set a firm boundary and stick to it but be prepared never to hear from her again.

Thanks CK.  I have set a boundary.  I hope to hear from her but accept that I might not.

[bated]

So she text me an apology. I ignored her apology and asked if she had read my email? I am standing strong.

[once removed]

what did she say in her apology?

why ignore it?

[bated]

She has repeatedly shown that she is not able to be nice on text messages.  She is never like this in person or on the phone.  So I set a boundary which was that I would not respond to her text messages until she had called me and spoken to me on the phone.

[ColdKnight]

Bated,

I believe you are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns. I don’t believe the boundary you set is unreasonable.

If you cave it will only encourage her to continue her bad behavior. I caved several times and I wished I hadn’t.

[ColdKnight]

Thanks RF

I appreciate you taking the time to let me know.

How are you holding up?

I just saw this in another thread. Have you seen it?

www.anythingtostopthepain.com/20-rules-for-understanding-bpd/comment-page-1/

Wow...what an eye opener even if it is only half true...

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been split and locked.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339557.msg13076107#msg13076107

Thank you