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Author Topic: It finally happened. My ex reached out.  (Read 1368 times)
CryWolf
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« on: September 18, 2019, 10:14:43 PM »

Hey everyone its been a rocky road. Here is the back story with links posted to the whole story if interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339391.0


Today in class, my ex tells "we need to talk" in front of her group members. I said okay, and walk away until class ends. I tell her, I need to use the restroom and we can meet in this one building. She asks why and that it would be quick in an annoyed tone. I said "no it wont, i need to talk as well".

I meet her up, and she is receptive. She comes up to me, and we find somewhere to talk. She brings up how her ex messaged her saying I messaged him. I gave my reason and she also brought up her friends, and how they have been telling her one thing and me another thing. I always had my suspicions with one of the girls, as she seemed like a compulsive liar but I could never know defintely.

Of course my ex could be lying to save her face. But everything seemed to make sense. I showed her messages of her friends contacting me or inviting me and I had no idea why when we were never close, and she would tell me how they said I was bothering them and creeping them. She saw the messages that i luckily had. I told her, "do you notice that all these people starting rumors or whatever were all your friends and I was just trying to move on"

She told me how "she thought I moved on" and she brought up a female friend and i think she wanted answers to who she was without directly asking. I played the whole conversation cool, and I prepared for this for soo long.

I never thought this would happen. She was so open to talking. i noticed she got tired of standing so i asked if she would like to sit and she accepted. I was suprised. she wasnt cold or rude like shes been since the breakup..

we somehow dived into talking about school and jobs and family and showed her pics of my siblings and my fam asking about her. we joked and laughed.

2 hours passed by without us realizing it.. she started the convo by being mad about talking to her ex but it never seemed like she was, as in the end she said "take the information i gave as you will and if you choose to remain friends with them". i told her i would trust her and i had my own ideas too but this verifies it.

she said "this could have been resolved so much sooner" and i said "i tried" and she said she was mad and upset from what they were telling her. i told her i understand and i tried not to jade and use all the tools i learned here by listening and not blaming, or defending. when i did want to defend i decided to listen instead.

in the end, i asked if she would like to be friends. she hesitated and said shes not sure because she thinks i still like her. I didnt tell her if i did or not, but said "i understand, i dont want you to put yourself in a situation youre not comfortable in".

we wished each other happiness and she walked away.

I think she may have mixed feelings about everything but who knows. I would like to recycle but learning from this it has to be up to her. I tried not pushing for anything and respect her boundaries. it is what is for now. I could trust her word for everything she said.

 knowing she thought about me made me happy all this time without admitting it. She could have just ignored this and acted cold and her doing this was a huge curveball. I am proud of myself for being composed the whole time.
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2019, 03:25:01 AM »

That is good to hear. It’s good she reached out to you. You are right. She could have just ignored you. That wasn’t that important for her to reach out.

You are in a good spot. Let her come to you. Don’t pursue her. Don’t smother her. This is a total reset. You have to look at this as s complete do over.

Make sure every encounter is pleasant and fun but don’t overdo it.

I firmly believe they are more afraid of engulfment than they are of abandonment.

Mine came to me after our first breakup and I jumped right in like nothing happened and pushed her away. It took me a whole year to get her back...and then I lost her again...oh well
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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2019, 08:02:50 AM »

i told her i understand and i tried not to jade and use all the tools i learned here by listening and not blaming, or defending. when i did want to defend i decided to listen instead.

This is great to hear you were able to use the tools that you've learned so well.   Way to go! (click to insert in post)


I am proud of myself for being composed the whole time.

As you should be!   Great job!


Who know's if it's recycle or not.  Give it a little time and see if she reaches out again.  Best of luck to you

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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2019, 12:46:14 PM »

im glad that this happened for you. i know how much youve wanted it, what it means to you, and its good that it went as well as it did.

im going to urge some  Paragraph header (click to insert in post) and throw a little bit of cold water. i say it to help.

1. when i was younger, who i talked to, and what about, got me in a lot of trouble several times. its a lesson i took a long time to learn. i think members have been urging caution for a while now about talking to others about your ex. for starters, it doesnt really help you let go. it just bonds you with other people in part based on your ex. sharing too much too soon is a sign of poor boundaries. with any of the people you have talked to, there is a huge risk that it will get back to your ex, and it sounds like it has many times. im not at all surprised that the guy you shared with (her ex) spilled the beans. i would not let the fact that it worked to your advantage be the takeaway. i would thank my lucky stars that it didnt turn out very badly, and as a sign that its not something i want to repeat.

2. there is a very good chance she is, or will be in further communication with the ex, about all of this. what went well, could ultimately still backfire. she may have reacted well initially, but shes likely still pretty apprehensive, and may feel invaded or violated. if she does, and you dont pursue, that will likely fade. be very cautious.

3.

Excerpt
I could trust her word for everything she said.

CryWolf, reread your last post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339391.msg13076436#msg13076436

im not sure that trusting her word for everything she said is practical.

4.

Excerpt
in the end, i asked if she would like to be friends. she hesitated and said shes not sure because she thinks i still like her

see this for what it is. this was a catch up, and an agreement to set differences aside. it was warm. it went a long way toward thawing ice. if you expect more to come of it in the next few days, i think you will be expecting too much. she is apprehensive.

5. (piggybacking on number 4) you have a history of reading into these things, and pushing for more/over pursuing. i think if you do that, things will reverse very quickly, and then youre likely to be back where you were, pursuing her and hoping to get back into good graces, and feeling rejected.

this went as well as it could have. you have some closure and some good will after all this time, and i know how much you wanted it. whether or not that can become more, and how much more, really remains to be seen. i would carry on with no expectations, back off big time (i wouldnt do anything more than smile or wave, or hold the door open, i wouldnt push for conversation at all), and play it really cool, you can, at a minimum, remain on good terms.
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2019, 03:47:43 PM »


You are in a good spot. Let her come to you. Don’t pursue her. Don’t smother her. This is a total reset. You have to look at this as s complete do over.

This is great to hear you were able to use the tools that you've learned so well.   Way to go! (click to insert in post)


As you should be!   Great job!


Who know's if it's recycle or not.  Give it a little time and see if she reaches out again.  Best of luck to you


Thank You! and yes as much as i have the "i need to do something" mentality, ive done enough and learned that somethings need patience and inaction.

I have the fear she wont reach out, but who knows.
im glad that this happened for you. i know how much youve wanted it, what it means to you, and its good that it went as well as it did.

im going to urge some  Paragraph header (click to insert in post) and throw a little bit of cold water. i say it to help.

1. when i was younger, who i talked to, and what about, got me in a lot of trouble several times. its a lesson i took a long time to learn. i think members have been urging caution for a while..

im not sure that trusting her word for everything she said is practical.



ahhh Yes OR, I knew you would say something to get my head out the clouds   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

jk I actually appreciate this.

You are right, I overshared a lot early on during the breakup, and trusted the wrong people. i made so many mistakes and said things I regret sharing at all. I didnt have a good support/friend group til the past few months to year.


2. there is a very good chance she is, or will be in further communication with the ex, about all of this. what went well, could ultimately still backfire. she may have reacted well initially, but shes likely still pretty apprehensive, and may feel invaded or violated. if she does, and you dont pursue, that will likely fade. be very cautious.



This is what I fear, and this is something that could trigger my "i have to act/ fix this/explain myself"

I know that she hates him, and he still wants her back which makes sense on why he messaged her,  and he also skewed certain information to me. its hard trusting anyone right now but im learning to trust everyone. i strongly hope this doesnt ruin everything.

Yes OR , I agree backing off is the best course of action! I need to show I changed and not pursue like before. The hopeful side of me hopes she ponders this over the weekend and misses me and reaches out. But patience is key. I cant ruin this like you said OR.

Not pursuing apparently works better than chasing.she also has the battle of trust with her friends and also me to choose from. thats her battle and I cant fight or get involved in that.

not knowing and not being in control of the situation causes anxiety in me, but im trying.

in the meantime what I can I? if she does reach out again whats the plan?

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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2019, 08:23:28 PM »

“i would carry on with no expectations, back off big time (i wouldnt do anything more than smile or wave, or hold the door open, i wouldnt push for conversation at all), and play it really cool, you can, at a minimum, remain on good terms”

I think this is really good advice ...
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2019, 01:41:03 AM »

True thank you. I guess I’m just in shock of what happened and don’t want to mess this up. I want to be prepared and in the best position I can.
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« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2019, 12:54:33 AM »

Seeing her today in class. please wish me luck.

(Went to dinner with parents, and my dad sent pics of her and I at my 22nd bday. How times were different and she looked so happy, but I did not. I was so insecure in those pictures due to weight gain. I did a lot of self work, diet, and growth from those times.)

For once, I feel very positive about this and how it will move forward.
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« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2019, 04:57:55 PM »

update on today:

I was sitting in the hallway and she walked by, I smiled, and she saw me in corner of her eye and kept walking like she didnt see me.

then in lab, I walked by to get some thing (in lab there is constant moving around) and she made it obvious she tried to avoid eye contact but did this little awkward smile she does.

I left it alone. then later she walked and made eye contact with me and then turned her head quickly.

later during lab, my group needed help and I asked the groups around us but no one was able to help. I asked her group,  and she answered and helped but her tone was "apprehensive" like Once Removed mentioned before.

I think more time like mentioned is necessarily.

I guess what im asking in this post, is what do you guys see that I dont?
I have this feeling that I cant explain that she misses me too but at the time I cant act on it. Please help. thank you

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« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2019, 05:43:59 PM »

My only advice would be that if you don’t have to put yourself in a situation where you make eye contact then don’t. She will pick up on it right away. I.e. if you don’t have to walk by her don’t. We sometimes do that when i reality it is not necessary. I’m not saying that is what you are doing just be mindful of it.

Why do you feel she misses you? She might but do you think you might be reading into it because you hope she does?

Just trying to keep you centered and objective. It’s very easy to get sucked back into the hope.
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« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2019, 07:23:53 PM »

I guess youre right, Im hoping this happens. 

when we originally met i did all the pursuing and chasing. I have this feeling i cant explain that this isnt it and we'll somehow cross paths again. Im trying not to be hopeful but I want to meet up for coffee and talk and reconnect.

I dont want to push her away. Im in this dance with myself now where I have to be patient and im scared it wont happen.
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« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2019, 08:25:04 PM »

I understand,

You are in a real touchy situation. Anything you do directed to her could be taken in the wrong way. Even asking her group for help might be taken by her as you trying to put yourself in contact with her.

I’m not saying ignore here but I would just not do anything that puts you in her orbit if you don’t have to. It’s tough to do I know.

You also have to accept that is she does have BPD this is something you are going to have to deal with as long as she is in your life.
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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2019, 06:19:44 PM »

if you knew that the two of you were on reasonably good terms, that you got closure, and that nothing more would come of it, would it be enough?
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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2019, 07:55:27 PM »

if you knew that the two of you were on reasonably good terms, that you got closure, and that nothing more would come of it, would it be enough?

Going to be honest, I thought this closure was what I wanted and I never thought about the after effect. But no. It makes me feel better, knowing she cares to even talk to me, but I know I want to date her again and possibly spend the rest of my life with her if things were somehow better on both our ends. I want to try again knowing things I learned and now that im much older.

Is this wrong of me?
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« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2019, 12:44:57 AM »

Excerpt
I want to try again knowing things I learned and now that im much older.

So you did and you are.  What about her? What if she is the same person she was?
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« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2019, 01:19:45 AM »

So you did and you are.  What about her? What if she is the same person she was?

Hey Turkish,
I asked myself this plenty of times before, and I told myself if she is the same person as always, then I would assert healthy boundaries and know when to leave the situation if it doesn’t bring me peace.

However, this is easier said than done. Her coming talking to me has me has me forgotten about the toxicity the relationship had. Over the course of time being apart, I’ve met so many people that gotten back with exes, and all shared their stories with me and how they messed up or why the relationship didn’t work at first. One thing all these relationships had in common was how everyone was young and toxic at first. This also sounds dumb, but I feel that everyone my age or generation is just toxic. I hear relationship stories that were way worse than mine and I try not to project similarities but I don’t think healthy relationships exist that much and I’m not sure if I’m using this as an excuse to justify getting back with my ex.


I am driving myself crazy over this situation by losing sleep. I am fixated on this outcome. At first it was talking to my ex and closure and now it’s reconnecting.
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« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2019, 09:47:23 AM »


“I am driving myself crazy over this situation by losing sleep. I am fixated on this outcome. At first it was talking to my ex and closure and now it’s reconnecting”

It is good that you realize this. Also very good that you realize the toxicity in the relationship as well as the the possibility of you using other toxic relationships in order to justify getting back together with her.

Suppose you do get her back and you do set the boundaries and you do everything textbook and she leaves again. Are you prepared for that? You do u understand that you can do nothing to change her. You can only change how you react to her.
Meaning that she will continue to exhibit this behavior and you have to accept to.

Just setting boundaries is not enough. It is how you handle yourself when they cross those boundaries that is the true indicator of how the relationship will go. They will cross those boundaries no doubt.

When things seem to be going great and suddenly one day she tells you that she is no longer interested in you and wants to see other people how are you going to cope with that? It is a very real possibility.

I understand exactly how you feel. I miss mine and think about her every day but I also know I can’t change her and I am not willing to live with that toxicity for the rest of my life.
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« Reply #17 on: September 25, 2019, 11:07:46 AM »

... in the end, i asked if she would like to be friends. she hesitated and said shes not sure because she thinks i still like her. I didnt tell her if i did or not, but said "i understand, i dont want you to put yourself in a situation youre not comfortable in".

we wished each other happiness and she walked away.


I think she may have mixed feelings about everything but who knows. I would like to recycle but learning from this it has to be up to her.

I think it's important to assess this situation carefully.

        1. She initiated a cease-fire to the cold war between you. This was a very adult thing to do. Based on your reporting, she sounded as sincere.

2. Contacting her ex really violated her (as it should have).

3. She doesn't want to lead you on. It's likely that this discussion took so long as she doesn't want to restart "relationship" dynamics. She still feels you being clingy.

The smart thing right now is to not orbit her and not secretly dream about reconnecting. You need to overcompensate (any of us would in this situation) to erase the "clingy" label.

It's a hard emotional state to manage, but you can do it.

I would dream about being amicable exs. I would embrace the fact that you finally have closure. I would think about how to be friendly, but also a bit distant and aloof (counter-clingy).

Does that make sense?

I know you would like to restart the relationship, but don't make yourself an orbiter.

My goal, if I was in this situation, would be to gain her respect as a ex.

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« Reply #18 on: September 28, 2019, 07:39:41 PM »


Suppose you do get her back and you do set the boundaries and you do everything textbook and she leaves again. Are you prepared for that? You do u understand that you can do nothing to change her. You can only change how you react to her.
Meaning that she will continue to exhibit this behavior and you have to accept to.


I know of this possibility, but im foolish. I hope we take it slow and I become more understanding and try to understand her more which I wish I did more before. However, yes the possibility is always there. And to be honest, lets say we do get together, i wonder if my anxiety will be up again wondering if she'll leave me today, tomorrow, next month. etc. I just want to try.

@SKIP

Thank you for that. I will do my best to not orbit. Its very hard but I always thought that if she sees me she will start missing something about us or wonder. but right now since everything is fragile, I will just go distant.

She's cold to me again, but I dont think she wants to.

My friend with bpd told me that when she does that to someone, it means she still have feelings but things are mixed. She also wants to protect herself and not fall back down to those emotions which she is so scared of. She doesnt want to make the mistake again where we get close and then the relationship fails after she lets her walls down.

My friend also told me that when she posts about me or says negative things its for her to believe herself she made the right decision on leaving or ending the relationship.

I asked what do I do, when Im painted black, and she said she doesnt know.

On one end, space is needed, on the other she doesnt want to get close and be left/abandoned from someone she leaves and bare her emotions.

I will give space, but this is so difficult. Im built to fight for what I love and show love and compassion,

but the "not knowing" and and not being in control is so difficult.

Thank you all for listening. Your replies all help me so much and soothe my anxiety.

Before when we were together or during our breakups,
I would find a way to reach her or contact her and talk and things would become better. But now, 1 little mistake and itll all crash down even more.

When do you know to reach out or not? My friends are all telling me to be patient, as well as here and she will reach out to me again before school ends. She also has pride with her friends and family for probably talk bad about me and then talking to me again would make her look dumb. idk.
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« Reply #19 on: September 29, 2019, 04:37:40 PM »

Do you guys live local to each other, like in the same city or whatever?

Do you think that once school ends that's the end of everything, as it were? I get that school ending feels like a deadline, like you've got to hurry up and take action before that, if that makes sense.

I think your friend with BPD is correct. When my ex would shut me out, she would later tell me it's because she was overwhelmed with feelings/anxiety.

In those previous break ups you mentioned reaching out to her and things starting up - what's different this time round, that means you can't try those methods again?
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« Reply #20 on: September 29, 2019, 05:16:45 PM »

Do you guys live local to each other, like in the same city or whatever?

Do you think that once school ends that's the end of everything, as it were? I get that school ending feels like a deadline, like you've got to hurry up and take action before that, if that makes sense.

I think your friend with BPD is correct. When my ex would shut me out, she would later tell me it's because she was overwhelmed with feelings/anxiety.

In those previous break ups you mentioned reaching out to her and things starting up - what's different this time round, that means you can't try those methods again?

she lives about 20-30 minutes away so not far away but I dont think I will ever see her outside of campus because I havent bumped into her after the breakup.

I think what has changed is her blocking me and keeping me blocked for longer times. Her havign a "group" of friends now and me being scared what rumors she might start. I dont want to look crazy or stalker.

I dont have forms of communication with her to talk, texting, facebook im blocked. I did try before by messaging through email but being rejected and then seeing her is embarrising. I have tried reaching out numerous times but im met with no responce as to before she would reply.

her birthday is coming up this month, and i want to do something but im in this position where im scared of action or inaction. everyone says to give space and let her come to me if there is a chance.


 I think she has strong feelings as she acts cold and builds a barrier up to protect herself. before I thought this was her doing because she hated me. but no to protect herself, and she even told me during our break up she has to protect herself and put her emotions first.

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« Reply #21 on: October 02, 2019, 01:58:53 PM »

Starting to think it’s really done now.

I’m still blocked and she doesn’t make any attempt to talk or anything.

I’ve lost all hope

I’m not going out of my way or orbiting her and I wish she would at least make some effort to keep me in her life.
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« Reply #22 on: October 02, 2019, 07:19:21 PM »

It's been done.

As hard as this is to hear, everything she said and did sounded like closure.

She also expressed concern that cracking open the door would be read as an attempt to reconnect, rather than closure and being amicable exs.

And you did read it as a possible attempt to reconnect. 

She doesn't want to lead you on.

She hasn't handled this well over that last months, no doubt. She has, however, made a sincere effort to make peace.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #23 on: October 12, 2019, 03:02:57 PM »

Hey Wolf,

Just checking in. How you doing brother?
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CryWolf
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #24 on: October 19, 2019, 11:01:20 PM »

Hey ColdKnight, thanks for asking.

heres the update:  I took into account and backed off from my ex. Stopped walking her direction, near her and walk the longer way in class if i need something. I moved seats to the front, to not see her and noticed she sees me as im in the center and where proffessor talks so shes forced to see my back.

Monday, I walked late to class and we had a guest speaker, to be polite I sat the first seat I saw which was in my exes row and but not next to her. I noticed she saw, but as soon as the speaker finished I moved to my seat in the front so she didnt get any ideas. I saw her stare again in corner of my eye.

Then after class, i was speaking to a friend in the hallway, he said bye to me and then my ex walked up to him and avoided turning her head at me although she was a foot away. she did her a best to hide a smile as she walked past me. she does this so many times. like she forces herself from looking at me. her and my friend are doing a research project btw.

then we had class again an hour later, I came late and then my friend told me that when I walked in class earlier that "my ex saw me sit at her row and turned her head and rolled her eyes like there is no where is else to sit but I noticed you sat there to be polite to the guest speaker"

I was put off a little but luckily I did move my seat in the class prior. Then i was taking off my coat, and turn my head as im taking it off and I see her staring dead at me. I quickly turn my head before she did.

two days later, we have class again. im walking to the building where we have class and shes there too. she opens the door for me and i say thank you. we both walk up the stairs and shes in front of me, and I notice shes hiding a smile again.

we go up the stairs and then head for class and she opens the door again. i say thanks. being polite.

then class is over and once again we both are at the door and she opens it and i say thank you. this time i walk the opposite way instead of walking behind her to the exit and i believe i saw her look back to see me in the corner of my eye.

This could mean anything but I do feel a lot better

Things seem to be looking up as acting indifferent.

Yesterday, my female friend (the one my ex looked up, and her friends took a pic of me with), my exes guy friend, the one that tried being my friend and following me on IG but giving info to her probably, sent my female friend a follow request on snapchat. They know each other sorta but Im pretty sure its to stalk or get info since I blocked them all on social media.

two days, I notice a private account on instagram following me and looking at all my stories the past few months but never liking posts, and only having 2 followers. their picture was a super random picture and I sent a follow request but they didnt approve so I blocked them.

I could just be paranoid, but yea better to be safe and be mysterious.

its her birthday today, and I want to say happy birthday over text or in person but I think she might expect it or ruin progress I made.

what do you all think?

Thank you,
Wolf.

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Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #25 on: October 19, 2019, 11:12:47 PM »

I see a lot of drama triangles here  Smiling (click to insert in post)

What do you term the progress you have made?

She's being coy, but what does the eye roll mean to you?
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Harri
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #26 on: October 22, 2019, 12:04:41 AM »

Staff only

This thread reached the max post limit and has been locked.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340279.msg13082697#msg13082697

Thank you.
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