We're sorry to hear of the tough spot you're in, but are glad you're here. The good news is that there are skills we can learn that can reduce the conflict levels. The most important thing, though, is to not try to do this alone. You've taken an important step by reaching out for help. Stick around here, and you'll get a lot of support and learn tools to help your situation.
You asked an important question about setting limits. We make a distinction between limits, which control the behavior of others can be set when there's some kind of control relationship (like at work or with a child), and boundaries, which we set in a regular relationship and only define our own actions to protect ourselves. Take a look at this page on
setting boundaries.
When she was yelling at the bar, you first, unsuccessfully, tried to impose a limit on her behavior. Then, when that didn't work, you successfully enforced a boundary by leaving the bar. Does that make sense? We can only control our own behavior, not that of others. This is the #1 most important lesson for us.
As we get practice with the skills, we can handle situations with even less turbulence. For example, to protect yourself from being mortified by her behavior in the bar, you could excuse yourself for a short bathroom break to lessen your exposure to it. There's a lot of trial and error with these things (a lot ;) so there's no one right answer, but as your skills improve you'll feel a big difference.
Can you tell us a bit about another situation that's given you trouble?
RC
