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Author Topic: Part 2: Silent treatment/withdrawl from relationship  (Read 771 times)
missyou

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« on: November 05, 2019, 08:11:35 PM »

Mod Mote:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340418.0;all

I have had lots of time to reflect since my upwbpd stopped talking to me. It'scoming up to 8 weeks of silent treatment, and acting like I don't exist.  It is difficult living together this way.   In hindsight in the past when he was having a melt down he frequently would make threatening comments that I would be the one that would ruin our marriage by my behaviour!  This was perplexing to me at the time because I didn't know what BPD was and I was in denial that he was exhibiting traits of this disorder. I was convinced I must have been at fault, even though I knew I hadn't done some of the things he accused me of.
He would also ask " why do you hate me?"
I am not pretending to be  a perfect partner, but I am and was very gentle, understanding and patient with my H. I truly tried to be empathetic and compassionate to him due to his traumatic upbringing and life experiences.
This is the worst episode so far. He says he doesn't want me in his life and the marriage is over! He says he will be leaving ASAP.  He has threatened to leave before, but has never said the marriage is over,.  Oh yes he also said "you got what you wanted" ?
 No this not what I wanted!
Do you think what he is saying would be considered projection?
I have been trying to leave him alone to see if he might regulate , but I feel he is in a major strop and not sure he is planning on coming out of the spare room anytime soon.
How long is reasonable to "leave him alone"?

« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 03:41:31 PM by Harri » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2019, 12:17:30 AM »

Sorry you're dealing with all that.  It's not unusual for relationship threats to escalate over time.  We may get used to one level of threat, so our partner may up the ante to get a reaction.  You asked if him saying, "you got what you wanted" is a projection.  I'm no expert, but I think of a projection as when someone thinks we have an emotion or perspective that they actually have.  Such as if I come into home after work with a smile on my face, and my partner snaps at me that I sure look like I'm in a foul mood.  I'm not sure that your situation is projection, since it's not clear he really wants to break up.  It seems more likely like fear of abandonment and insecure attachment -- he's unable to feel secure that you love him, and is worried that you really want to leave him.

You asked how long you're supposed to leave him alone.  Every situation is different.  It's a process of trial and error.  You can try to re-engage.  It might backfire and set you back, but then again if you never try then you may never get where you want to go.  Learn as you go and accept that periodic setbacks are part of the process.  You can learn here, but you'll be the expert on your situation.

It's really hard when we're striving to be gentle, compassionate, and patient and that image of us is not reflected back to us by our partner.  Do you have other people in your life who are able to respond to your kindness and reflect back to you a more accurate image of yourself?

RC

p.s.  How did the chocolate and bacon go?  They sounded great to me!
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« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2019, 02:34:18 AM »

Thank you for your support and perspective RC, it is always appreciated.
He blocked me again on What's app!
I used to be able to see if he was active and if I did try to reach out and send a simple message of  an" I love you" or " thinking of you" I could see if he read it I now have no way of telling if he gets my message! 
I feel like I am playing a complicated game of chess, I was never a very good chess player, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  I would prefer to take a walk on the beach holding hands like we used to.
But in the meantime, I will try and figure out how to do the best thing for  what's happening now.   
Re the bacon and chocolate...
He ate them so I guess that was a good thing, or he could have been really hungry
Lol

« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 02:42:29 AM by missyou » Logged

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« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2019, 02:12:31 PM »

If he ate the bacon and chocolate, I'd chalk that up as a win  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Keep us posted.

RC
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« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2019, 09:29:22 PM »

Things have deteriorated big time!  I came home from work as usual, the spare room door was closed and I could hear the tv on so I assumed my H was in there. I checked the history on the computer to see when he was last on and it was the usual routine.
I watched TV in the living room, about 830 I heard a key in the door, and in walked H.
He was obviously intoxicated, he was dressed in hiking gear, with several layers of clothing, with a back pack. All of this is unusual behavior,he hasn't drank in months and hasn't been hiking recently either.  He was quite impaired, so I managed to get him to sit and tried to ask him what he had been doing/where he had been?  He had tree branches stuck to his toque, so I figured he was in the woods. He said he wanted to die. I looked in his backpack and he had a long rope, a half empty bottle of 75 proof moonshine, and cigarettes (he quit smoking 3 years ago)
Along with a mp3 player with sad music playing.
When I asked him anything he just mumbled and nothing was discernable.  He stumbled his way to the spare bedroom and fell asleep temporarily.  He woke to go to the bathroom about an hour later, and after coming back seemed to come out of his stupor. He then told me he hated me and I reminded him of his mother, and he couldn't be with me any more.
He then proceeded to tell me I was the worst person he ever met, and because he confided in me and I hurt him by not taking care of him I was a c#nt.  He repeated that he hated me several times, then said I was just like my father and only cared about myself.
He went on to relay a conversation we had recently, which he remembered quite different from what I remember. He then told me to leave his room and never talk to him again.
I tried not to respond or defend myself. I said I loved him and I was sorry he felt like that. He said he thought I was a liar. I welcome your
advice and perspective s please.
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« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2019, 10:01:29 PM »

Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through that.  In a situation like this, I tend to go back to basics.  He's safe.  You're safe.  None of the big problems can be solved tonight, so trying to find some peace and rest is the way to go in the near term.

Once we learn to not react to our partners, we can become pros at stuffing our feelings.  We can't share our feelings with our partners, and may not share them with others.  Eventually, we may not realize we're having them.  That can eat at us.

So... my advice would be to tell us about how you felt when all this happened.  How you really felt.  And then try to get some sleep.

RC
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« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2019, 10:14:39 PM »

Hmmmmmm, I felt really sad. I felt unloved, and hurt. I know he's really sick. I don't know how to handle the fact he wants to die.  He said I want to die and then said he doesn't want to be with me, and I said we didn't have to be together, he didn't need to die to get away from me. He said he always wanted to die!
I feel trapped.  And I feel responsible for making sure he's safe!  I think he needs to see his doctor, I know he will refuse help.
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« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2019, 01:09:27 AM »

It's very sad.  I'm sorry you felt unloved and hurt, but am glad you're able to tell us about it.  You're not responsible for his safety.  You can offer him support which he may or may not accept.  He is responsible for his own safety.

This is a lot to manage.  What does your support system look like?  It's important to have a diverse support system -- at least five different sources.  You've got us here.  Do you have a therapist?  Is therapy something you'd have access to?  Do you have close friends or relatives who you spend time with?  Can you find community through work, activities, volunteering, or church?  When I arrived here I was totally isolated and had no support.  It took me over a year to build a strong support network.  I was amazed at how big of a difference it made for me.  You mentioned his drinking.  Al-anon is a great way to kick start a support network, since you can find meetings every day of the week.  There's no "test" to get in ;) and you're welcome even if his drinking is rare.  Some folks there don't even have alcoholics in their families, but find the tools and support useful.

RC
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« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2019, 08:46:27 AM »

Oh, missyou, I'm so sorry. That must have been extremely painful to go through. When my H was dysregulating, he threw hateful accusations and comments at me and I know how much that can hurt.

How are you doing this morning? How do you feel?
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« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2019, 07:50:51 PM »

I took the day off work today because I was exhausted from the night before, and got very little sleep.   I went in the spare bedroom to check on H when I woke up around 7.  He was very angry but he talked to me, more like raged at me.
I just let him vent. I figured he was hurting pretty bad after his shenanigans the day before.  He ranted about a lot of past hurts and perceived emotional injuries that he feels I have committed over the past few years. The two biggest being betrayal, because I spoke to my daughter about his mental health, and the other was he felt abandoned because I didn't defend him when my other daughter treated him with disrespect and stopped speaking to him.  Ironic twist isn't it!
He did come out of his hiding place today. That is progress, he was in there for weeks!We spent time together watching tv. He didn't really speak unless he was venting.  He was mostly angry , and said he  felt my unpredictable moods, cause him to feel suicidal.  I was upset hearing that.  I am having difficulty diciphering what he tells me I am doing from what I think I have done.  He is a very convincing character.
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« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2019, 06:58:52 PM »

It can be very disorienting to be with a person who has a fundamentally different perception of reality from us.  Him blaming his suicidal thoughts on your moods is projection; saying that something is going on in you when it's really going on in him.  Sometimes identifying projection or other reality distortions to ourselves as they are happening can help us to stay oriented.

It's good that he's talking to you and making efforts, though rough, to express himself.  Have you been able to try validating his feelings in an effort to make him feel more supported?  If so, how did it go?

RC
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« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2019, 07:34:57 PM »

I went to an introduction to Tai Chi work shop today.
It was for beginners and I could try it out to see if it was something I like before making a decision and paying for several months of classes. 
H was still closed off in his room this am, so I left a note to tell him where I was and when I would be back, so he wouldn't worry.  Not sure if he cares, but he sometimes makes a big deal when I don't tell him.   He texted me just as class was about to begin, demanding I tell him where his stuff was from the night he was out "hiking" and came back drunk.   He was irrate I had gone to the class and told me it was a rip-off organization and I had better not waste money on it!  I didn't respond to his text.
I got home about 4 pm.
When I came in the door, he was sitting on the couch, looking very angry. He asked if I got his text, and I said I had, but not until I was leaving class, because we were told to shut off our phone during it.
He accused me of lying and then proceeded to rant for a good hour telling me all the horrible things I have done to him. He feels I treat him worse than anybody, and he can't see how he can get over the horrible treatment. I do try and validate his feelings, it usually is challenging, because he argues with most of what I say and tells me I am just being an adaptive child.   I recognize this as a lot of projection, but it is still difficult to hear.  He says he's trapped and feels like he can't do anything to get away from me. I tried to ask him what I could do to help the situation be better for him, and he got really ticked at that and said I was acting like an adaptive child asking that question. If I was an adult I would have never have asked I would just know what to do.   The goalposts are constantly changing in his mind bending game. I can't win and don't want to play.
We will see what tomorrow brings. Hope it is ☮️
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« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2019, 08:43:06 AM »

I hope you find peace as well.

I've been in situations like the one you just described -- accused of lying, being told I'm the source of all H's problems and pains. You're right, it is projection. And because he doesn't know how to handle or process pain, he needs someone to blame it on and some place to dump it. In this case, that's you. I could be off-base, but my guess is he feels "trapped" in himself. He can't get away from himself so he makes it about you.

Again, that's painful and I'm sorry.

But good for you for going to Tai Chi. Is that something you think you want to continue?

Excerpt
I can't win and don't want to play.

Exactly. And good for you for recognizing that!
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« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2019, 01:02:12 PM »

Tai Chi sounds great!  From your description of his reaction we can see how easy it is for us to become isolated when our partners are not supportive of our outside activities.  You were thoughtful to leave a note for him, protected your boundaries around class, and reconnected with him afterward.  That was good work.  I'm sorry it wasn't a peaceful reconnection, but what you did was healthy for both you and him.

Sometimes when our partner is ranting, it makes sense for us to stay, listen, and validate.  Sometimes it makes sense to enforce a boundary on being treated with respect and to step out for a while.  Every situation is different, and over time our response may evolve.  We can't walk away from every interaction, nor should we stay for some of the worst.  What were your thoughts on staying versus taking a break in the last conversation?  (I'm not leading you towards a conclusion here; I expect you were pretty thoughtful about it.  It's a good topic to talk about and can help other members, too).

RC  
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« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2019, 08:03:18 PM »

Thank you Ozzie, and RC
Your support is truly appreciated and I am so grateful to have your perspectives and experiences as I try and navigate this maze of living with a upwBPD!  I feel like I have been listening to a recording for 4 days straight of every flaw I have, and every mistake I have made in our 13 year relationship. My husband has a photographic memory, and can recall conversations verbatim. I am emotionally exhausted.
Today was another day of preaching by H.
 It was a holiday from work due to Rememberance Day so I was home for the day.  He came in to my room when he heard me get up this am, and said he wanted to try and give me another chance to explain why I continue to hurt him with my child like response to things and to explain why I couldn't operate like an adult and stop hurting him. This is his daughter's birthday (she died 18 years ago at the age of 7 ) and he said he prayed to her to give him strength to try again with me. 
So sad really. I wish he didn't have to go through this.
He spent 3 hours relaying what he has experienced with me and how it hurts him and how he can't understand why I can't change what I do when he has explained to me exactly how I need to behave so he doesn't get hurt.
It is a very tight rope that I am supposed to walk.  I am struggling to walk the line without faltering. He asks me questions that I feel are traps and when I don't answer the way he feels I should be gets even more angry. For example
He asked if I felt that he tried to hurt me and if I thought he was cruel? ( This is what he thinks I do to him)
I said I didn't like when he goes silent.  He blew up saying I am always blaming him for the way I choose to act or respond to his behaviour and never take responsibility for my behaviour. Uggghhh.
I acknowledged to him I have been acting like a victim and know that is ineffective because it keeps me from making positive changes and taking control of myself.   Still that was not good enough, and not the answer he wanted or needed.   I said I was tired and really felt it would be best not to continue with the conversation any longer. He said I had reverted to child and there was no point in having a conversation with me.  We sat in silence til I went to bed.
It has been a crappy year - he has many
 " anniversaries" of deaths and losses and birthdays of his estranged family members and October through February seem to be really rough for him.
I hope peace is in the future
In your experiences is this typical?
Your perspectives are helpful and much appreciated
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 08:10:49 PM by missyou » Logged

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« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2019, 08:37:42 PM »

It sounds like you eventually brought the conversation to a close when you became too exhausted.  Good work  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Three hours is a long time.  I've been there, and I stuck with the conversation because I wanted to validate and do everything I could to soothe my partner and help her feel heard.  In some conversations, it took a long while by my partner eventually felt heard and it felt worth it for me to have put in the time.  In others, after a certain point, I was just hearing the same things over and over and it was wearing me out.  The extra time didn't help either of us, and I was telling her through my actions that it was OK to say nasty things to me and blame me for everything without moving forward constructively.  Given his recent silent treatment and the fact that this was a tough anniversary for him, it was probably a fine time to be extra patient with him.  In the future, how would you feel about setting some boundaries around being respectful in conversations and the length of conversations?

On your question about experiences, what you describe is familiar.  Long conversations, sometimes hours long, full of blame coming at me, without my partner willing to take any responsibility.  100% of the problems were my fault.  She usually made everything out to be a reflection of my poor character, insulting me as well as my family.  I was supposed to be a robot with no needs, magically making everything go well. 

RC
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« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2019, 08:18:24 AM »

I, too, have had that experience many times. H would pull up events from months before. He would go on and on about things I'd done wrong (never supporting him, not being a good stepmother to SS8, never helping out around the house). Of course, I didn't feel like any of those were true, but they were true in his mind at the time. Later, when he was at baseline, he would say exactly the opposite. He'd also pull my family into it. On a few occasions, he even insisted that my father or grandfather must have molested me. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) (Long story.) Anyway, one time, he actually told me to sit down and write a list of all the ways I'd failed him and done things wrong as a wife and if I didn't do it, he'd get a divorce. This was before I started coming here and learning different skills and tools or even figured out that there was something "not right." So, I did it. Looking back, I can't believe I went along with it.

It's hard to know when to leave those epic conversations, I know. It was something I really struggled with. I agree with Radcliff. This was probably a time to be patient. But, for the future, thinking through some boundaries and exit strategies would likely be good for you, him and your relationship.
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« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2019, 11:15:26 AM »

There has been some progression since I last posted- My H has been slowly coming out of isolation and has been trying to make some efforts to communicate and the ST is lifting slightly.   He has texted me regarding some  car maintenance reminders.  I take this as a good start- he reached out and responded to a couple of simple texts I sent him.  I am being cautious and trying not to be too forward as not  to frighten him with too much too soon.  He says hello when I come from work and will respond if I ask him simple questions- ie "would you like a cup of tea?  He said last night" I know you want me to talk  but I am i in a very dark place and can't talk right now"  I responded" I understand and its ok- you need to do what you need to do to be ok "  We sat together watching tv for the rest of the night and he responded good night when I was going to bed.  This is progress for us- it may sound really crazy that I feel that but I am looking for any signs of hope.
I have no expectations.
   This morning came to work as usual, and when I was at morning break I saw he had sent me a message via WA- he previously had me blocked from the app so I was surprised to see the message- ( I have no access to wifi at my work station so I don't get WA messages unless I am in the cafeteria for break) I panicked a bit when I read it.   He said he needed to write his feelings down- he felt undervalued by me now, he was hurt, he felt I withdrew my support for him and that I  abandoned, betrayed and that he couldn't trust me and he felt our relationship was broken and he no longer believed in US.  He felt I no longer have his best interest at heart the way he does for me.  He feels completely alone and devoid of trust for our future. He never thought I would hurt him by not caring for him and feels abandoned and can't believe it.
My heart sank Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
I panicked and responded with anxiety
I responded - I appreciated him sharing his feelings, I understood how he could feel that way.  I was sorry.  I felt texting was not a good way to truly express how I felt and said I would be happy to talk to him when I came home after work.  I also reiterated I was sorry, I love and care for him always and I need to be much more conscious and stop my destructive behaviours.
I regret that I said so much I wish I had just said thank you and hope we could talk in person when I got home.

I don't know how to approach this when I get home after work.
I appreciate any guidance, advice, suggestions you may have to do what is  best for the situation.
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« Reply #18 on: November 18, 2019, 12:16:41 AM »

How did things go when you got home, and for the past few days?  Your nonjudgemental support of him when he said he couldn't talk was fantastic.  Your WA response had some great elements to it.  Wanting to do a shorter response is a good goal, though your deferral of deeper conversation until you got home was spot on.  One thing to avoid is apologies, unless you're apologizing for something specific and valid.  What destructive behaviors were you apologizing for?

RC
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« Reply #19 on: November 18, 2019, 03:42:25 AM »

Thank you for your reply RC I am so grateful to have your perspective. With affection (click to insert in post)
When I got home after work Friday, H was quiet, he acknowledged when I said hello but other than that we really didn't talk. I asked him if his doctors appointment was ok and he just nodded.  I saw a note from the doc that he has been put off work for another month.
The weekend has been very quiet!
I say hello when I see him first thing in the morning, he responds with a very quiet hi. I go about the day doing the usual weekend house hold chores.   He watches tv and plays scrabble on the laptop.
We sit in silence on the couch watching tv
" together" .
I don't try to initiate any conversation, I am letting him" just be", he looks broken and so withdrawn it's sad to me.
We haven't had a conversation really since last week when he was raging. I am happy he isn't raging anymore, but not sure where we go from here.
In regards to " my destructive behaviors"
I think I was referring to my emotions and my archaic response to  interactions I have with my alcoholic father (always a negative trigger for me)
He is very frustrated with me every time I make contact with my father because I usually have an emotional"hangover" from it that bleeds into our relationship.
We have many arguments about me not being able to cut  out communications with my father when he is being manipulative. 
I have baggage from my childhood, and I think that is what I was referring to as the destructive behaviors and apologizing for.
It's a common problem.
The weekend was basically silent, with a morning hello a good night at bedtime and sitting quietly in the living room " together".
Our new normal. So strange.
I am feeling anxiety. I made a doctor's appointment for today.   :
I am not sure if I am coming or going Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #20 on: November 20, 2019, 11:50:01 PM »

I feel like my H is regressing back to his cave in the past few days.  It's 2 months now since the beginning of the ST, last week I felt he showed signs that he was regulating a bit, but he is spending more time back in isolation in the spare bedroom.  I don't think I am putting any extra pressure on him to talk or doing anything to cause this change?
In your experiences is this typical? I feel more anxious when he retreats for no apparent reason. Due to the past experience, when I can't see him I think the worst and worry for his safety.  I am fighting the urge to write him a note to express my concern. I bought a simple card that is a" thinking of you"
sentiment, and wondered if that would be a good idea to let him know in writing, or would that be "too much"?
I am really finding this 2 months of limbo difficult.
Any suggestions or guidance is greatly appreciated.
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« Reply #21 on: November 21, 2019, 07:56:51 AM »

He may very well be regressing. I'm not sure if it's typical or not, but BPD can be predictably unpredictable. I'm sorry. You're going through a lot right now. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Someone else may have better advice, but I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd push right now. If he is withdrawing and pulling back, there's no telling what's going on in his head or how he might take your card or note -- even if well-intentioned. You did say your love notes have not been well-received in situations like this before.

I'd keep up my normal routine, speak to him casually and normally when I see him, keep the door open so to speak. The occasional treat from the grocery store, etc., as you've done before, can say a lot without "saying a lot."
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« Reply #22 on: November 21, 2019, 08:38:06 AM »

Hi Ozzie Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
thank you so much for your words of wisdom - I am always grateful for your perspective and experience.  With affection (click to insert in post)
I will keep on keepin' on  Being cool (click to insert in post) I just question myself when I am feeling insecure and sense he is not coping well .  I need to keep busy and stay out of  "the weeds".
I will work on being  positive and thankful that he is not raging.
Thanks again Ozzie- you are a great help.
MY
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« Reply #23 on: November 21, 2019, 08:43:40 AM »

Something I've worked on (and am still working on) is separating my moods from my H's. I pick up the moods of other people very quickly and can be affected by them. When I'm super-close to someone, it's even stronger.

But I have to remind myself: If H is in a bad place, that's his place. That's how he's choosing to deal with things. I make my own choices. If I'm not upset or worried about the same thing, that's fine. Yes, I need to be empathetic and validate, but I don't have to be sucked into the mud.

Again, I'm still working on it and I'm not always successful. But separating "his" and "mine" has done wonders for my own mood, energy and outlook.

Hang in there! Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: November 21, 2019, 09:16:36 AM »

I, too, have had that experience many times. H would pull up events from months before. He would go on and on about things I'd done wrong (never supporting him, not being a good stepmother to SS8, never helping out around the house). Of course, I didn't feel like any of those were true, but they were true in his mind at the time. Later, when he was at baseline, he would say exactly the opposite. He'd also pull my family into it. On a few occasions, he even insisted that my father or grandfather must have molested me. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) (Long story.) Anyway, one time, he actually told me to sit down and write a list of all the ways I'd failed him and done things wrong as a wife and if I didn't do it, he'd get a divorce. This was before I started coming here and learning different skills and tools or even figured out that there was something "not right." So, I did it. Looking back, I can't believe I went along with it.

It's hard to know when to leave those epic conversations, I know. It was something I really struggled with. I agree with Radcliff. This was probably a time to be patient. But, for the future, thinking through some boundaries and exit strategies would likely be good for you, him and your relationship.

I have been reading this thread with interest, as many of the behaviours described sound like my H. Seeing so many similar behaviours is eErie, but also kind of exciting, as in, someone else out there goes through this too!

I wanted to comment on a few parts of the quoted post...

Re: partner thinking you "must have been molested" , OMG me too! Also a long story. I have told my H many times that I do not think this happened to me. I am capable of full sexual expression and any "barriers" are due to other things, that he knows about.

Re: telling you to sit down and write a list of all the ways you failed him... my H told our son to make such a list, along the theme of how he can demonstrate respect better. With me, there have been many, many lectures on ways I failed him. I used to JADE a lot. He specifically says to me "stop trying to justify yourself, now you are being defensive, don't argue with me, I'm not asking you to explain" etc. He basically tells me not to JADE him, yet has never actually heard the acronym JADE.

Re: telling you that you were not doing a good job with kids, and not doing enough around the house... yes, my H has said that too. It feels terrible to be told much things, when the reality is quite the opposite. When he has felt very apologetic, he has told me that I am amazing with the kids and so hard working around the house. His opinions fluctuate with his emotional state, not with the evidence.

I am far enough along in my own healing, that I am seeing things more realistically. It is not "all my fault". I am getting better at the skills.
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« Reply #25 on: November 21, 2019, 09:21:37 AM »

Good for you, Butane. The things they say do indeed fluctuate with their feelings and realizing that goes a long way to keeping ourselves stable and handling things in a healthier manner. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #26 on: November 21, 2019, 09:29:34 AM »

Since my post I've read the ones that followed. I've been where you are as well. it is hard and I'm sorry you are going through it.

Remember that you are your own, separate person. When my H is very down like yours is now, I try to help myself by imagining enmeshment like a sticky spider web holding partners trapped. And healthy separate-ness like trees planted several feet apart.

It helps me get space in my head.
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« Reply #27 on: November 21, 2019, 01:37:49 PM »

What jumped out at me is your H accusing you of being an adaptive child instead of the adult he expects you to be.  So many borderlines need their partner to be the responsible one, the object other parent, so that they can remain the child, blameless, not having to be accountable for their moods and behavior.  The message is "You exist to soothe me and take care of me because I can't do it because I'm too sensitive."  I call it the "Skimpole Syndrome".

My H sounds very similar to yours it's frightening.  I used to fall for the old okey doke and appease him with validations and checking on him BUT IT MADE THINGS WORSE.  Ignoring and maintaining a calm demeanor, going about my business, brought things to a close much quicker in my situation.  It also got him to see his part in our problems.  But every situation is unique so that may not help you.

We are in a crisis right now and he's been gone for 4 days with NO CONTACT at all.  That's a record.  It must be agonizing for him.  I feel like he's doing it to wait me out because no contact is not his style.  It's my style and for the past 6 months hubby has tried to pretend to be me (INFP - an introvert).  He calls it "monkey see monkey do" like it's gonna affect me the way it affects him.  I guess that's part of the shifting identity of a borderline.
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« Reply #28 on: November 21, 2019, 02:26:36 PM »

Hey MissYou, and everyone else on this thread. This thread has been very helpful to me, thank you MissYou and also my heart goes out to you. This sounds like a heavy weight on your heart. However I was excited for you that you tried Tia Chi, have you been able to go again?

For my two cents, I like that you can offer him the chocolate and bacon. Funny as that it, it is a simple, non-verbal way to show you love and care for him, without engaging. It also limits you from expecting a response, like as a text message, and he can not respond bad (maybe).

Hang in there and keep reaching out. Take care
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« Reply #29 on: November 22, 2019, 07:55:36 AM »

Hi Missyou,
I’ve been following your thread for a while. It’s strikingly familiar time hear all the pain and anguish from the non, who is experiencing the withdrawal from the bpd partner. Mine can get extreme, to the point of feeling debilitated, which I’m working on. A few things- soothing and trying to regulate partner feels exhausting, depleting and demeaning, at least for me. I remember talking (which never works), reasoning, begging, physically placating through massages, deep tissue touching, which only reinforced the unwanted response. Allowing someone to be an adult and deal with the consequences of his behaviour is very tough still. It’s scary, as I don’t know what his choice of behaviour will be. Finally, the way to keep your head above the water is obviously therapy and social support. Friends, coworkers, I had a few friends who educated themselves on the disorder and now are able to help me get through those tough moments
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