Hello again, I wanted to share some of my new thoughts and events that took place recently.
My full story is here (and a small update is in answers section):
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340658.0As I mentioned in my 'Update #1' part of the story I got matched with her on Tinder (I felt better, was having fun by swiping her right, but soon it came out as a big mess).
Back to the point, we didn't speak to each other for at least a couple of days. In the meantime I still kept receiving some info about her from our mutual friends on how she's coping and what nasty things she's doing, like talking behind my back or having lots of sexfriends coming to her just to fill her empty void.
Then, some other day I got drunk, she somehow 'magically' appeared on my Messenger app and I thought that changing chat colors or emotes will be enough to get her attention. Back then, I thought 'Why not? I managed to crawl my way back up so she won't do me any harm and maybe we could talk like adults' and as you can imagine; I was totally wrong. I can't tell you why I did that, that wasn't anything like an attachment in some unhealthy way (no more) or longing, maybe just an empathy or just to check what's going on with her and why she's behaving like that. I just thought that we could talk for a bit and either finish it when one of us wouldn't want it to continue or it somehow goes wrong. And it went wrong, all the way.
After a day or two of only emote changes, she sent me a message. For a day or two we talked about things, nothing special, it looked normally and 'healthy' let's say, but in some moments she started talking about her 'friends' visiting her or how she met a guy who's 'just like her'. She was trying to check if I'm getting jealous or annoyed, which is my bet (one or both). She also added many times how bad she feels and how much she doesn't want to talk to people and meet with anyone (yet, she's been meeting lots of Tinder guys for example - just like she knew that our mutual friends might know something and might not want to talk with her any longer). She also acted like she wasn't in a serious relationship with her ex, that she doesn't need anything like it right now. My bet is that she's using him the same way she was using me. I wonder when is he going to open his eyes...That's not my problem anymore though.
Yesterday, during normal conversation she started rushing out with her rants at me out of the blue. We were talking normally, but suddenly she decided to change topics onto relationships, her 'friends' and something like that. I knew that it's going to end badly. Yet, I replied in a humorous way once and it was enough to start it. She started to let her imagination go all the way up with all the lies, lack of humility and conscience. At first, I wanted to explain lots of things to her, to put her right and refresh her memory on why and how we broke up, what she did and how she was trying to cover everything up and lie again, and again, but then I thought that it won't make any sense, as she's blinded by her own and sick way of thinking. Just like she was doing all the times back when we were still together and even back when I was breaking up with her, when she was trying to defend herself with more and more lies, threats and some other things. She was talking about how I used her, how she confirmed it with people I don't know (best way to make herself feel better was to talk about it with poeple ready to believe her, poeple who doesn't know me or know only her part of the story which is best for her), she even told me that her therapist told her the same (or she wanted me to think this way and lied about something again), which might indicate that she's lying even to her therapist and not only to herself or her 'circle'. She added that she has depression and self-harm issues because of me and laid all the blame on me for everything that's happened. She also started being sarcastic, telling me that she doesn't know me at all, that she doesn't know why she let me 'destroy her' so much or why she's let us talk again. She was distorting the facts like crazy. She was talking how bad I was to talk behind her back (telling the truth, believe me or not) to some of our mutual friends when they asked 'what happened', when they heard of what she's started doing or how much she's tried to convince them and turn against me, that people started asking questions, reached out to me me and as a result started to abandon her. Turning their back on her wasn't something surprising, especially when they had already seen every evidence against her or saw it the moment they wanted to know my part of the story, or just started opening up on how she lied to them and how she wanted to 'have some fun' with them back when she was still taken (by me and her ex too). She was full of hate again and she was winding herself up even more. I was doing my best to ignore it and once she's finished I really got lost on how and if I really should react to her trash talk at all. It would only lead to a long and meaningless conversation of people, one trying to talk about facts and be reasonable with another believing in her own lies and imaginary world and turn of events. I didn't let her provoke me and I'm proud of myself. I let her finish and cut the conversation short that I don't really want to talk any longer and that it doesn't make any further sense to continue.
She made me sure on how broken she really is, how full of lies her life is and why should I never, ever talk to her again. She needs a total NC from me and I need a full detachment because having her around me would only cause more problems. I can't have her in her head and I can't let her destroy and poison my life and mind any longer. I'm having a series of therapy sessions starting from today with my therapist where I'm going to talk about everything and try to understand and fully detach from her. Even without a therapy, one thing is clear 'never, ever I'm going to let anyone manipulate and use me so much like she did'.
