She ended us after cancer—2 wks NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Been 2 weeks with no contact from her after her breast cancer diagnosis.

Are there any clues a upwBPD will come back even to talk? How do you know when their gone completely?

Phone: “I have cancer..” 10 seconds later..”cant do relationship right now..

 text message in response to me saying i’ll be there for her:”i’m not upset with u. I dont want to be in this telationship anymore. U deserve someone who does. I’m not happy. Thats it.”

Next day on phone: “you can be there for me as a friend. We csn figure it out (how you can help) later.”

No call /text from her:
5 days later:i texted: “you could care less if I’m alive or dead”.
3 mins later her response:”that’s not true. How an you say yhst? I’m sorry ur hurting”

Me: sorry you are hurting too snd going through this (then i left short, nice message and told her i’ll respect her space for as long as she needs”

2 weeks: nothing

Her surgery is in 3.5 weeks for double masectomy.

She has 2 little kids.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Been 2 weeks with no contact from her after her breast cancer diagnosis.

Are there any clues a upwBPD will come back even to talk? How do you know when their gone completely?

Phone: “I have cancer..” 10 seconds later..”cant do relationship right now..

 text message in response to me saying i’ll be there for her:”i’m not upset with u. I dont want to be in this telationship anymore. U deserve someone who does. I’m not happy. Thats it.”

Next day on phone: “you can be there for me as a friend. We csn figure it out (how you can help) later.”

No call /text from her:
5 days later:i texted: “you could care less if I’m alive or dead”.
3 mins later her response:”that’s not true. How an you say yhst? I’m sorry ur hurting”

Me: sorry you are hurting too snd going through this (then i left short, nice message and told her i’ll respect her space for as long as she needs”

2 weeks: nothing

Her surgery is in 3.5 weeks for double masectomy.

She has 2 little kids.

[Hidden Dragon]

Hi Lifeinthefastlane,

I'm sorry to hear about the problems.

May I ask what your goal is? Do you want to detach from this relationship, because this is such subboard...

Anyway, I would give her a break in this time (cancer surgery!). Step back and try to learn about yourself.

This is my kind unprofessional opinion.

[Mutt]

Hi Lifeinthefastlane,



I’m sorry that your uBPDex wasn’t able to provide more for you. I agree with the poster above there are probably a lot of thoughts going through her mind before prepping for surgery etc. I can’t  fathom how difficult going through cancer would be I would suggest to give her space for now and let her come to you.

A r/s would be daunting for her at this time. When you say two weeks NC do you mean that she imposed the NC?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thats just it. I don’t know where I belong. I feel I have no choice to be on this boardbecause she stopped talking to me. She said we could be “friends” but didnt call/text.

Recently she told a friend of hers that she was surprised I had said I woukd give her space and then have been doing it.  The friend responded to her and said “well if course, you broke up with her!” (We are same sex)

So im trying to be healthy and work on me. I have her keys to her place, parking pass and i want to send them to our mutual friend to give to her. I feel that 3’weeks with no contact from her, I need to take some control over my own life and get stuff out of my sight.  She completely cut me out without ant pre-warning. And it is very abusive to tell someone with whom u are in a relationship with that you have cancer and then give them 0 info about the progress/treatment. I cant help but fee this is punishment fir the boundaries i had been setting about her emotionally abusive behavior.  She knows this would hurt me what she did and i dont get it. Is it a test?

What do i want? To be healthy. But all i keep thinking is she must be sleeping with someone. Her double masectomy is scheduled

[Mutt]

You might get more information later on about her diagnosis- it could be very difficult to talk about because it is a reminder that you have a life threatening illness.Sone people don’t want to be reminded.

I agree with you that the delivery doesn’t telegraph a lot of empathy towards your feelings - especially when it comes from
a pwBPD. In times of high stress they can lack a lot in empathy. Empathy is important in a r/s and when you have  a partner that is deficient in this area you have to make up for it. It’s not fair but she is who she is - she has social deficits.

This is not easy because it’s very stressful and hurtful when things shift suddenly, without warning and without thoughts to you. If you don’t want to continue that’s perfectly fine - it’s your choice or you have an option to go with the flow for now. Either choice is not easy - I feel bad for you.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Mutt. I’m hurting so much. i just destroyed/ripped apart this painting we did together.  I want to send it all back to her-i just dont know how.

I want so much to get everything from her out of my apartment.

I dont understand “continue”. Continue with what? She’s given me nothing. This has to mean she does not want me involved/with her even to support her? Right? Otherwise she would have said something. She hasnt for 3 weeks. I have her kid’s stuff here (games, clothes, toothbrushes, stuffed animals).

I feel like such a fool. During the summer, i took her kids to make pottery/paint it. She later packed it up and asked me to hold it in my place so it wouldnt get broken. Now i have to believe i was played?

Even if she came back tomorrow for “friendship” (which the more time goes on the less likely it is), dont i have the right to say that what she did was hurtful/mean (and im not talking about the breakup-that part is a gift right now).i’m talking about the meanness of “i have cancer and i’m not telling you anything”. I was very ill/hospital and I didnt do it to her even after she had broken up with me 3 months earlier.

Please help me. Your thoughts are helping me so much right now.

 

[Mutt]

Continue in the sense that a break up in a r/s is not always the final break up. What I mean is you could break up and make up several times until you both get to a point where it’s the big one - you’re really breaking up.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not a hard and fast rule - there could be weeks that pass and you find yourself back together again. You could make yourself available for that or you don’t have to find yourself back in a r/s later on because you don’t want to continue anything from your side.

Did the kids have a good time? Did you have a good time with the kids? Kids can make all of your troubles disappear when you interact with them. I think the moment that you had with the kids is what counts.

I’d there a family member of hers that could come and gather her stuff? Could you have it put in storage?

You could tell her exactly how you feel and I would expect someone to tell me if I told them but I can’t hold them to my values but I can certainly think about how this person affects me  and if it’s a good idea to maintain a friendship or r/s with them.

You have a right to feel the way that you do, from what you have shared here I think that it would be more beneficial for you if you directed your feelings to this forum. You have people here that can relate with you. I feel I get more talking to people that can relate then talking to my exuBPDw because either it’s projected back to me, she blame shifts or she’ll redirect her anger towards me - which would just add more stress and frustration on me.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Mutt...i hear you. You’re right about so much here. I esp like how you reminded me of the kids. That was an incredible
Moment.

Yesterday I sent her keys and parking pass to a mutual friend who will be helping her after her surgery. My g/f doesnt know I did that. It was hard. Such finality.

A part of me wants to include pictures of the good times when I do send the kids stuff back.

I dont want to be in an “intimate relationship” again with her. But i do want to take my power back and make it clear what she did throw away, esp how she cut the relationship with her kids. I cant stand distorted stories that arent true. Her story how I didnt want “family” is such bullPLEASE READ. She doesnt get to rewrite that for our mutual friends or anyone else.

She tried to “erase” us from her presence. I see that.

I honestly have no other objective tother than owning my own story. I could care less what she does what the photos. For me its the best way i can say goodbye. Just like with the keys. She actually told a friend that she nwvwr said for me not to call her. The truth though is she didnt respond to texts from 3 weeks ago, never called me when she said she would. So what else am i supposed to do? The more actions i take that bring closure, the more i am telling my brain its over. And i think thats healthy for me?

[once removed]

But i do want to take my power back and make it clear what she did throw away,

my ex dumped me after nearly three years together. within about a week, she was officially in another relationship. it was, to say the least, a shock to the system. more so, when i realized later on, she had probably cheated a number of times.

one of the hardest lessons i learned, in my anger and resentment, is that when a relationship ends, there is no taking our power back...because who are we talking it back from? the relationship is over.

i would suggest, my friend, that the key is taking your life back. you are in sole control over that. there is no power struggle in that.

For me its the best way i can say goodbye
...
The more actions i take that bring closure, the more i am telling my brain its over. And i think thats healthy for me?

ive been out of my relationship now for just shy of nine years. to this day, how i behaved in the aftermath of my relationship matters a great deal to me. im proud of it. i was as broken as ive ever been in my life, but she never saw any sign of that.

one year from now, three years from now, five years from now, the same will be true for you. think your actions through.

are you you telling your brain that its over? or are you telegraphing your hurt and wanting her to take responsibility for it?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I understand..you were right. I think by putting the ripped painting in the box with her kids’ stuff that I was telegraphing my anger/hurt.  So- I wont do that.

Now I’m not even sure what to make of what happened today. Today her friend T (who is like a sister to my g/f) contacted me to get my g/f’s keys/parking pass back since she would be moving in to take care of my g/f. Of course, this makes me sad. But what made me sadder is that my g/f had told her that she had told me that I could be friends with her, but that I haven’t called her.  Of course that’s a lie. T went off on me that I should have kept trying and I said she wasn’t talking to me- she had said that she would call me and didn’t. She didn’t want to talk to me.  Before the cancer diagnosis that came 3 weeks ago, my g/f had explicitly told me multiple times she didn’t want to talk to me. Right before the cancer diagnosis, we were doing well. It made me so sad to hear T say that - she was really saying how wrong I was... I should have “sent flowers, kept calling, and knocked down her door.” I said ‘I didn’t do anything wrong..” I refused to let her talk to me like that- to even imply that I wouldn’t have been there for her for her cancer when I told my g/f I would”watch her kids, bring her food, drive her to the doctors and more..” I called 2-3 times and text’d a few times, but she has not called me since the last text. And each call 3 weeks ago, she got off the phone fast and said she would call me and never did.

What am I supposed to make of this? I’m so confused. I want to be her friend to support her through her cancer. The thought that T (who knows better) would think that made me so angry.  I said to T “does she wANT to talk to me? All she has to do is call. I would be there. I have said I would be there.”  T mentioned the hospital, and I said, “ I dont’ even know anything about the cancer. She hasn’t told me anything.” T I believe really thought my g/f had told me these things. Anyways, I told T I had send the keys to my g/f’s friend (who is also helping her) S.  T was upset by this. Why didn’t I call T? she asked. I said, “I didn’t want to put T in the middle? And I see S.”  I was so angry.  T was treating me like i had to be begging my g/f to talk to me when I didn’t do anything wrong.  I told T that my g/f was lying to her. I felt bad about using the word “lie” but it’s the truth. And my therapy is about saying what i want to say b/c so many people in my life silenced me.   I told T I had called multiple times.  And she kept pushing me. She said “so if i go thru your (g/f name) phone then I will see that you have called her multiple times.” I said that she would have to go back to the 2nd week of September when all this silent treatment kept happening,, then stopping, etc. .. to understand what happened in the short time she told me. I said my g/f hasn’t even talked to me on the phone for more than 5 minutes. The nerve of her.  Why didn’t she just tell my g/f to call? Give me a break. She’s treating me like I walked out on my g/f when that wasn’t true. How dare she? She is just wrong. So wrong. And I refused to let her keep talking. I said “you don’t know. Youdon’t know. She’s not telling you the truth. If you want to help her then help her with health communication. If she wants to talk to me all she has to do is call and If she wants me to help- say yes.  I have offered many times. “ T said that my g/f will never do that, and that I should know this after 2 years.  I said, “ she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me.  she won’t talk to me.”  I will never talk to T again.  What she did was wrong.  I am proud of myself for saying the truth.  That’s the last time I’m sure she will try to tell me anything. When we got off. The phone, she said she had 1pct left on her phone so she had to go and didn’t want me to think she was being rude. By that point, I was crying. I was saying, “ do you have any idea what it’s like to have someone you love tell you they have cancer, and then have no more contact with you?”

By the way, S a few weeks ago told me that i should call/text my g/f just to see if she’s okay, but then after i explained what happened, even S believed that my g/f was wanting space.  However, even S told me that my g/f didn’t want space.  I did call S to give her a heads-up that T was looking for the keys and knows I gave them to her. S is very mature/level-headed and believes me 100%. I didn’t ask S to tell T anything, but S is planning to tell T that what my g/f said is not true.

So now 2 people are telling me that (a) my g/f told me I could be her friend, (b) that she never said not to call, and (c) that I haven’t called/contacted her.   So, why would she say that... does this mean she wants to call? If so, why does she not call?

  So, what am I supposed to do?  

Do I want to call her? Yes, of course.  But will I? No. Why? B/c it just affirms this abusive treatment by her of me. And now, unfortunately, it would also affirm what H did as being correct, which it is not.

Do I want her to call me? Yes, of course.

Do I want to be in a romantic relationship with her again? No. Will I? No.

Do I want to be supportive and help her by being there with her during her surgery, etc..? Yes.  

I”m so confused.  Does my g/f want to talk to me? If so, then why wouldn’t she call.

It hurts so much. I know that T and S are telling me that my g/f is going thru a hard time and making people push her to let them in.  T even said that my g/f was going to the hospital by herself. I said, “ i said I would go with her to her biopsies, etc. I would have moved in while she needed help.” I then went off “ I don’t even know what you’re talking about. She hasn’t told me anything about her cancer.”

So now i wonder- did I misperceived my g/f? Did my g/f not say she needed space? But then why didn’t she call me for 3 weeks? Even after i called. I stopped calling/texting 3 weeks ago- and told her that I promise to respect her space for as long as she wants/ needs it.

[Mutt]

Hi Lifeinthefastlane,

Tammi went off on me that I should have kept trying and I said she wasn’t talking to me- she had said that she would call me and didn’t. She didn’t want to talk to me

That's not fair to you. Her gf is in the rescuer position in a triangle and your ex is in the victim position and you are in the perscutor position this dynamic perpetuates blames - I think that your ex ( I don't condone it ) is feeling bad and is projecting those feelings that she doesn't feel comfortable with.

It made me so sad to hear Tammi say that - she was really saying how wrong I was... I should have “sent flowers, kept calling, and knocked down her door.” I said ‘I didn’t do anything wrong..” I refused to let her talk to me like that- to even imply that I wouldn’t have been there for her for her cancer when I told my g/f I would”watch her kids, bring her food, drive her to the doctors and more..”

If you had tried to do those things you wouldn't succeed - she didn't end the r/s gracefully and you have been repectful of the distant even though it is really tough and painful for you - you're still wrong. I think that you did the right thing by saying that you're not going to be treated that way - moving to the center of the triangle and taking neither side removes you from the drama.

What she did was wrong.  I am proud of myself for saying the truth.

Good for you for staying in your center and not getting sucked into that.

By that point, I was crying. I was saying, “ do you have any idea what it’s like to have someone you love tell you they have cancer, and then have no more contact with you?”

That's a good point - turn the telescope the other way around and see how it feels.

So now i wonder- did I misperceived my g/f? Did my g/f not say she needed space? But then why didn’t she call me for 3 weeks?

They are distractions with your ex and her friend.