Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 07, 2024, 06:07:16 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: “You didn’t fight for me “  (Read 1723 times)
Timberwolf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 26


« on: December 30, 2019, 02:31:20 PM »

“You did not fight for me “ 
I still don’t understand what this means.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7501



« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2019, 03:45:38 PM »

Can you give us some context?
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2019, 03:55:45 PM »

It means that even though they pushed you away they wanted you to fight for the relationship and show how much they meant to you by not wanting it to be over. Its the classic "I hate you dont leave me".

By giving up on the relationship they feel you never truly wanted them.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2019, 05:29:04 PM »


If "fighting" is normal in intimate relationships (for the person saying it), then it starts to make sense...kinda.

I'm also interested in more context about how/when it was said?

Best,

FF
Logged

Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12179


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2019, 08:18:42 PM »

The first time she broke up with me, i was kind of relieved. When I started making plans to move out quickly, she texted me, "if you love someone, why wouldn't you fight for them?" Cue our only recycle which she sent me to what was supposed to be joint therapy, but she abandoned me there, as she did in the end after 2 kids in joint counseling she asked me to initiate. 

Intimacy triggers conflict which is amplified by someone with an emotional regulation disorder. For someone with BPD traits, their core script is: "my feelings are worthless and don't matter; therefore, I'm worthless and don't matter." They feel they are unworthy of being loved. 

In my case, the whole "go to therapy to prove that you love and will fight for me even though I left you," makes no logical sense unless you understand the core shame a person with BPD struggles with constantly. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Timberwolf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 26


« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2019, 01:37:42 AM »

It happened after months push-pull, and eventually discard .Is it really ghosting to step away even briefly when being attacked?
I guess I just never understood what the heck that meant
Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 966


« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2019, 10:10:04 AM »

I experienced this whenever she would "triangulate" and provoke conflict with someone else. 

Typically, she'd blow some comment all out of proportion, ignoring that they said/did the same thing to everyone else in the room, and then come to me with with all sorts of "never/ever" extreme statements, about her perceived slights. 

Then dump this emotional bomb on me when I was in the middle of doing something else... *SURPRISE!*  Way to go! (click to insert in post)  and parse out my every word, looking for something in my hasty response that could be construed as defending the other person, then start screaming & sobbing hysterically "you didn't fight for me" or the related "You're never on my side" or "You'll never stand for your wife"

Having the benefit of distance and time to look back on this, it's almost kind of funny... she'd be using the sort of flowery, emotionally-charged language usually reserved for a trial over capital crimes, or high treason, in reference to a comment from my aunt at a family gathering that my son is "so smart" and is "just like his father." ...

Fight for me, against this most heinous abuse any human being has ever had to suffer
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2019, 11:58:15 AM »


My wife did a "light" version of this to me this morning.

She "corrected" me about the way bread was stored (that I didn't store or use but apparently she believed I saw it "incorrectly stowed")

My response was "Oh.."

And I kept on fixing something to eat.

She kinda was leaning over on the counter, so her rump was sticking out and we're very touchy feely (touch is her love language), so I gave it a good rub as I passed by.

Perhaps 10 seconds later she is "indignant".  "Why did you rub me?  Do you not think it's important to not waste your money?"

FF "I rubbed your rump because you are hot..."

FFw "you didn't rub my rump, you touched my waste." (again..indignant"

FF "Whatever I touched was mighty fine.."  gave her a wink and went to the other room to eat my food.

This is FF's version of "not engaging..." 

Best,

FF
Logged

SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1269



« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2020, 01:36:57 AM »

mmm...there are many avenues to go here. However, to play devil's advocate for a moment...I would say to take the approach of give me a reason to fight.

Next, the whole fight for them thing is a manipulative ploy and a shield they create for themselves so they can cast you as the villain even though you are not the villain. Essentially they have done bad and are feeling guilt, shame, etc and because of that they are trying to make it appear that you are the cause and the reasoning for why they do what they do. But if you would fight for me I would...If you would have fought for me I would have...

Do you see the pattern here? It is by design. Do not make it personal and do not take it personally. Also, this typically is a ploy used once triangulation is in effect. Again, you are not the problem. You are not the culprit. It is how their disordered mind is neurologically wired sadly.

Now that is a general response I provided. Now as others have said...please provide more context and details so we may better assist you and provide better insight if possible.

Cheers!

-SC-
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2020, 02:38:57 AM »

I'm not so sure pwBPD mean "fight for me" in the sense of trying to fix the relationship. I think they mean it from the perspective of making them feel good. If feeling good = fixing the relationship then yes fighting for the relationship (note the wording is "fight for me" not "fight for us") is what they want. In most senses I think "fighting for me" = make me blameless, take away my shame, take my guilt. I certainly agree it's very Karpman, they want to be the victim (regardless of whether or not the relationship rekindles... guiltless exit), they would like you to rescue them by being the perpetrator.

The thought process as I understand it: 

Excerpt
Many moons ago I disowned control over my own emotions.
Other people now control how I feel.
I feel bad/I have done something bad. I would not make myself feel bad/I would not do something bad unless someone made me do something bad.
You made me feel bad/made me do something bad.
Since you made me feel bad, you have the power to make me feel good again.
I want you to acknowledge that you were the one that made me feel bad/act bad, and make me feel good again.
Since it's your fault, I can treat you badly because you deserve to be punished for making me feel bad/do bad.
You should accept your punishment and try and make a mends for your error.
Logged

Timberwolf

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 26


« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2020, 12:06:24 PM »

Ewww .
Logged
AskingWhy
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1025



« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2020, 12:43:14 PM »

"Not fighting," appears to be a pwBPD testing the non in a R/S. 

This is part of the constant push-pull of being the only sane person in the R/S.  At a certain point, the non has to come to terms with how they will contend with this:  leave the R/S, stay and be the punching bag, or stay and be proactive.
Logged
ortac77
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 318



« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2020, 12:45:04 PM »

That thought process seems 'spot on' enabler!
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2020, 02:53:40 AM »

So the confusion becomes, when you fight for them... you become controlling.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!