My udBPDbf suicided. I'm so sad and everything is a mess.

[Harri]

Hi.   

Had he ever told you his wishes regarding a funeral?  If he did, share with the rest of his family.  If not what would be important for you?  You mentioned being afraid you will be around people you do not know.  You can state that you want your family and friends to stand and sit with you in addition to them.   You can choose to drive separately with a friend to and from the funeral home/church.   It sounds like his other family is not cutting you out of things so that is good. 

What would be important to you?  Write it out here with us and that might help you be able to speak about it with his other family.

[Pipedreamer25]

He would joke about what he wanted all the time but it was nothing serious.   There were some moments when he was super low and would play me songs that helped him.   I'm hoping they'll be able to play those songs.    The family want to have a non conventional funeral at a venue where they will be live music - like a big party.   It feels so overwhelming to me.   His Dad invited me to come to the planning but I there are so many reasons why I can't do that right now all very complex.   I said I couldn't but the director/ celebrant would call me after to discuss.   Some of my family will come to the funeral,  I'm hoping my friends will too.   I just don't know if I can cope with a huge crowd of people in a big party setting. 

There's still so much to think about and it's all so expensive.   I haven't discussed costs with the family yet and have no idea how to bring it all up. 

At this stage it's likely that the earliest date for the funeral will be Wednesday next week.   I'm dreading it and I just want it over with and I don't want any awful surprises.   It's awful.

Thank you again for listening to me, what would I do without this board

[Vincenta]

Hi dear Pipedreamer,

Firstly : a big big hug to you! 
How is it with basic survival now - have you been able to drink plenty of water? Eat a bit ? Sleep at least couple of hours a night?
You will need now all your strength and therefore you need to treat yourself very well, nourish your body and try to rest as much as you can.

I am sorry but despite of the shock, some practicalities are non-avoidable at the moment. Funerals won’t wait. Just a sad fact of life - for everyone.

I echo Harri and also think that his family asking for your input for the funeral is a positive sign.
And moreover, you do not have to arrange the funeral all by yourself, so please! use this chance offered to you.
(Even putting aside the cost, arranging any funeral is a lot of work - there  are so many formalities, arrangements... unfortunately I just had to go through all of that recently,  as my Mom died unexpectedly about 6 months ago, I was the only child, she was a widow, I live in a different country than she did etc - it was really challenging indeed to arrange it all).

I understand that these type of practicalities are extremely difficult and hard to handle in your current shock status, but nevertheless - please do contact his family and participate. Otherwise, later on, you are very likely to regret losing the only chance to contribute to the funeral of your loved one.

You might want to give your condolences to the parents , state that you are also still in shock status and devastated, and then to provide the list of your partner’s favorite songs as a proposal to his family ( and any other - hopefully not very costly- proposal you might think your partner would wish, and please also  provide an explanation behind of the any special wish to the parents, if possible,  as it will refer to the person their son was, and it might be important and/ or comforting to them as well as to you).

In addtion, you might want to add that your financial situation is very tight at the moment and unfortunately you are not able participate OR that you can participate with xx amount only in funding of the funeral.

And as Harri stated, you should not go alone to the funeral, but please take  your best friend or one supportive family member along. Please notify also his parents that you will attend the funeral with your friend/ family member.
Then it is completely up to you how long you will stay at the funeral - you do not have to stay there for hours if you don’t want to/cannot. People will understand.

Most importantly, you will have  a chance to say farewell to the person you loved dearly, at least partially on your terms. If you feel that you will not be able to say anything at the funeral, how about writing a letter to him that could be also buried with him?

Dear Pipedreamer, sorry if all above sounds somewhat pushy or harsh. Again, I do understand that it is all very overwhelming, but as said, you might regret dearly afterwards if not attending his funeral, so please try to gather all your strength now and contribute and attend the funeral,  to honor his memory, his unique life and your love for him.

Hugs and strength!

Vincenta

[Vincenta]

Ps Dear Pipedreamer,
In addition, you really have to seek for a professional support.
Have you met anyone yet?
What was the outcome?

[toomanydogs]

Pipedreamer,
  I am so sorry. What a horrific loss. I echo everything that's already been said about needing support through this. I'm really sorry. I'm sending all my love and support. 
TMD

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you everyone for all of your support and letting me talk about this.   I'm trying to stay strong.   I haven't been in touch with a therapist yet.   I'm considering reconnecting with the one I used to go to but it's just hard.    Basic survival: well I'm drinking plenty of water,   food and sleep are much harder.   I feel so broken.

I've spoken lots with his father.   I might be meeting him for the first time to look at the funeral venue this Saturday.   I'm very anxious and nervous but feel I need to do it.   He never wanted me to meet his parents,  I'm scared particularly to meet his mother she did awful things to him, things no parent or adult really should do to a child.   So it's going to be confronting but I feel I have to be there for him.

I'm in the process of going through songs and photos for the memorial.    It's very hard.   I was lucky in a way.   My partner understood his BPD pretty well, he was an intelligent guy.   He worked hard to learn strategies and get help.   For years I didn't post on this board because we had a mostly good life.   There would still be moments but nothing we didn't think we could work through.   When he started drinking and taking drugs again though there was no way he could control them.   He would do all the things that he had worked hard to avoid.   

I know it sounds silly but I'm nervous about who will show up and what differing accounts they'll have of him.  I loved him so much just when he was unwell he could be a completely different person and he could do so much damage in such a targeted way.   It just hurts.   I can't believe I won't get to talk to him anymore.   

[2Loyal2Long]

I’m so very sorry, Pipedreamer, this is never an outcome anyone can plan for.

Do you have family, friends, support systems around you to help with planning/attending his funeral?  There’s strength in numbers and I pray you’re surrounded by loving support.

Please remember, we didn’t cause, we can’t control, and we can’t cure the illness.  Your involvement in his life gave him more time and more meaning than he would have otherwise had.  You blessed him.  When someone is determined to leave there’s no stopping them.  You couldn’t fix what was inside him, he couldn’t either.  You’re not to blame.  He had more time and more love in this world because of your selfless sacrifices.  He knew you loved him, I truly believe he took that knowledge with him.  No doubt he loved you too.  Some demons in the cognitive functioning are harder to overcome.  I’m sure you both did everything you could.

Nothing I say will take away your pain.  Please know I care, more than you know.  My uBPDh lost his grown nephew over nine years ago to suicide and took his wife with him, I do have concerns about my H and if he might do the same.  But I can’t live his life for him.  We’ve been separated a long time, my safety is not a concern.

Letting go is so hard.  He knew he was loved, never forget that.

Prayers for you, my heart goes out to you.  Please keep expressing your grief and know you have a village standing with you.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you 2loyal2long those are beautiful words amongst the many others giving me strength.   I just am anxious about any nasty surprises at the funerals.   My partner had a lot of intense relationships,   and I can't control it but I just don't know if I can face them and their grief.  I just hope that everyone is on their best behaviour.   

I do feel like there was such a different with my pwBPD when he was using and when he wasn't.   Sometimes we weren't even sure if the diagnosis was correct.    The substance use just made him so different and he did all sorts of hurtful things when he was using.    I just feel like closure is going to be very hard.    I loved him dearly and I know that he did love me too,  but he was always honest about finding love threatening and fearful it would go away or sometimes he would tell me that he didn't think I loved him at all and that my life would be better without him.   He didn't know how to let himself be loved,   he was in so many destructive relationships and it's just such an absolute tragedy.  He had self sabotage at an art form at times but it was like he was in a trance,  he come back to himself and reject everything he did talk calmly and intelligently and supportively with me.   The whole way this has ended has really messed up my head.   

It's been a week today since I found him,  it's been a really hard day.   I just want the funeral to go as peacefully as possible without any surprises because I'm so vulnerable right now and desperate for kindness.   

[2Loyal2Long]

Hi sweetheart, my prayers are with you.

Everything you’ve described sounds like typical BPD, self sabotage, better off without him (a way to control who does the abandoning), unsure of his feelings (he was being truthful, I now understand my uBPDh’s ambivalence, they really don’t know how they feel when dysregulated), etc.  It’s all so familiar.

Closure isn’t a destination, it’s an an acceptance, radically accepting what is, knowing we can’t change the obvious.  Grieving is not linear, some days the best you can do is maybe make coffee and get a shower.  Celebrate that, it’s a success.

How I came to accept my H’s nephew’s murder/suicide was that it doesn’t make sense because it’s not supposed to make sense.  That’s how I found my acceptance.  The truth of their deaths will always be there, nothing can change that.  I gradually came to accept what is.

I’ve heard it said that suicide is a selfish act.  I’m not so sure about that.  Maybe we’re the selfish ones to want someone to stay who is facing unbearable pain they can’t effectively communicate.  It’s a theoretical thought, there are no right or wrong answers.

I’ve known of others in the AA program who’ve checked out, I’m no stranger to this ending.  Drug/alcohol abuse is a form of self soothing painful emotions, a well-entrenched way of thinking that there are no other options to self soothe.  Take away the substance without healing to replace what’s lost and it ends in disaster.  I’ve seen it over and over again and I’ve seen the destroyed families left behind, grappling for answers that just won’t come.

The fact that you found him begets obvious trauma.  Please find a trauma informed counselor.  T’s claim to treat trauma but asking if they’re trauma informed will vet out those who are simply claiming to know how to treat trauma.  EMDR is especially effective for PTSD and I can only imagine that a roller coaster relationship has created layers of chronic trauma, (complex PTSD) or C-PTSD.  Also, as hard as this is to say, he may have left this world in a place where you would find him because he knew you’d take care of him afterwards.  No one wants to be alone in death.  In case it’s crossed your mind that he was trying to hurt you I wanted to suggest another option.  He knew you’d be there for him, even in death.  I hope I didn’t just break your heart further.  I don’t want that.

Grieving will be a process.  Yes, you can still talk to him, you can journal, you will carry him in your heart and I truly believe, in some way, he will be able to hear you.  And I do believe in some ways, yet unknown, you will hear from him too.  It may be the Cardinal that comes to visit.  It may be the butterfly that hovers around you longer than expected.  It may be that sense of complete peace that comes when there’s simply no reason for it.

I don’t need to tell you this but I want to remind you.  If he was well he would not have chosen this path.  He was sick, and he didn’t ask to be sick.  For reasons you may never know, healing and recovery eluded him.  He may have reached for it at times but could not hold on.  He tried, he really did.  He may have just gotten tired.  There’s no blame to pass around, not to you, not to him.  We give our best, and that’s enough.

Closure is what we get when we buy a house, a car, or finalize a sale.  Human lives are not commodities, I can’t “close” someone but I can come to accept that they’re gone and I’ll never understand why they made that choice, whether it be accidental or intentional.  For me, acceptance is letting go, and it comes in stages and layers.

Celebrate his beauty, honor him, how blessed you are that he trusted you enough to let you in.  You gave meaning and purpose to his life he may never have had otherwise.  Yes, he loved you, and he knew you loved him.  Love sometimes isn’t enough for someone who’s fighting demons they can’t control.  But you gave him love.  Thank goodness for that.

Take supportive people with you to the funeral.  Also, paper towels don’t leave lint all over your face so I prefer them to tissue.  Just a side note.

It’s okay to feel angry towards him for leaving, at some point you may possibly go there.  It’s okay.  Feelings are just that, feelings.  They’re not judgements.

Thinking of you and lifting you in prayer.  May his spirit fly high and may he be granted peace he did not know in this life.

Bless you, sweetheart.

[Vincenta]

Dear Pipedreamer,

How are you?

Hope you have found family members/ friends that will support you at the funeral.

Big hug 

Vincenta

Ps. When it comes to your ex and the substance use -  I had very similar experiences with my ex PwBPD.  We were together 6 years. He was sometimes very sensitive, loving, understanding, but as soon as under substance ( alcohol, often weed too)  he turned out to be a real monster - hurtful, aggressive, sometimes violent, sabotaging everything...He often expressed his suicidial fantasies during those episodes/under influence.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks everyone,  I've truly been up and down.    I met with his parents for the first time today to discuss funeral arrangements which was honestly the weirdest thing.   His father was so lovely,   his mother was a bit more difficult.   I understand she was grieving but it was all about her,  I can understand why he wanted me to keep her away.    Everything seems so fragmented.   I went back to my flat today,  it was hard but kind of peaceful but also hard.   I'm very confused.

Thank you all seriously from the bottom of my heart,  I couldn't do this without you.   It's so hard explaining to people who don't what BPD is and does and what substance abuse can do to it.   I don't know how I'll get through this week but you give me hope.

Thank you again

[SinisterComplex]

What I recommend is for you to keep posting and keep using this forum as a place of solace and sanctuary for you. I am staying away from saying certain things for a reason. I want you to focus on healing and I would much rather sit back and observe and hopefully see you make progress with every little baby step toward grieving and healing. This is going to be a long road, but in the end you are going to be ok. Treasure your own life and treasure the memories from your lost loved one.

I am here for support and would essentially much rather just provide you with a listening ear as opposed to providing any advice or feedback unless specifically request it.

I send you a big bear hug of support with all the kindness and warmth to help you through the darkness.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-