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Author Topic: Trigger Advice  (Read 402 times)
UBPDHelp
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« on: January 22, 2020, 11:02:31 AM »

Hello, I am new here and have already gotten wonderful feedback and support, as well as tools to begin understanding. 

I am a huge guilty party of JADEing.  I never really do anything bad to explain, but when asked “why did you...(do laundry today, forget the dry cleaning, wear that shirt)?, I would answer the question. (Now that I know, I am really working on not doing this.)

I cannot tell you the wrath that would often ensue.  If someone asks a question, I answer as best I can.

These are always perceived as excuses.  Nope, the reason I didn’t pick up the dry cleaning is because I thought it wasn’t ready until tomorrow.  I was WRONG, but this is still the reason.  I take responsibility.  H just says I’m making excuses and that there is no difference between a reason and an excuse.  Sometimes a reason IS an excuse (I didn’t get the dry cleaning b/c when I went to pick it up, they were closed for a death in the family), but sometimes it is a reason that does not EXCUSE the issue, but is still why it happened.

I feel in other relationships if I say, “sorry I didn’t get the dry cleaning b/c I didn’t think it was ready until tomorrow, my mistake”, the recipient understands it was my fault and I apologized but this is why.  I don’t have to explain the distinction.  And, if it’s b/c of a death in the family, they understand the reason without needing to assign blame.

Sometimes stuff just happens. Haven’t we all been there?

So, this leads me to triggers and how to avoid them when they are part of ordinary, everyday life.
 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

So my uBPDH has some specific triggers that I avoid at all cost but occasionally come up (tv, other people) and he will fume, sometimes for hours or days.

He has recently developed a new one.  It is a phrase people toss around like “24/7” or “I almost had a heart attack.” Doesn’t come up all of the time, but it is such a nothing phrase but it sets him off in a rage. 

How in the world do you deal with that?  My son unknowingly said a variation of it, in a completely different context, and H unleashed a load of rage at him. My son is a young adult, but maybe a bit immature and sort of sensitive, and he feels like he just got bulldozed and isn’t really sure why. 

So if anyone has suggestions to handle/avoid triggers that are common and would never occur to anyone that they could set someone off, it would be appreciated.

It honestly just feels futile.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2020, 11:29:57 AM »

Here's the thing: You can't avoid triggers. No one can. And for pwBPD, even if one is avoided, there will be another new one, as you've found with your uBPDh.

Ultimately, it's not about the triggers. The problem is the emotional dysregulation and inability to manage emotions. Chances are, your H isn't actually upset about the phrase "24/7." There's something else underneath. Maybe he's in a stressful time and so anything even vaguely annoying causes him to rage. My H once got triggered by a slight change to SS9's school uniform policy. Was he really that upset about SS having to wear a belt? No. But it was a period of high stress at his job so any little thing felt like the last straw on the camel's back.

So, triggers can't be avoided. Trying to smooth the road and remove triggers will have you futilely running around like a chicken with its head cut off, as you suspect.

I think (and others may have more insight) the trick is to learn how to manage them when they do. Listen to him with empathy. Validate his feelings underneath. Remove yourself if you need to. Don't get sucked in and triggered yourself.

Others have good wisdom on this and specific ways to respond when there's a meltdown so hopefully some of them will chime in!
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Harri
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2020, 10:11:26 PM »

Hi.

Quote from:  Ozzie
I think (and others may have more insight) the trick is to learn how to manage them when they do. Listen to him with empathy. Validate his feelings underneath. Remove yourself if you need to. Don't get sucked in and triggered yourself.
Ozzie nails it here!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  You can listen with empathy (have you seen the video about that?) Validating his feelings can help and sometimes asking Validating Questions is a more natural response in these sort of situations.  Validation can be tricky so sometimes the best thing to do in the heat of the moment is not say anything.  Making sure not to invalidate can be even more effective and important sometimes than validating can be. 

Can you tell us a bit more about a conflict over one of his triggers and how your respond?  The more specific you are the easier it is to make suggestions.
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Beren2016

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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2020, 03:41:02 AM »

Hi..

This is actually something I am currently struggling with a lot, and I am struggling with small everyday things which trigger my GF..

I empathise a lot with what you say about reasons and excuses. I instinctively try to explain myself if I upset somebody, and this makes the situation worse and it spirals into a full blown break up argument/rage at me...

I am regularly told "my reasons don't matter".. For example if she is triggered when she asks for something (take out food) and I say "I can't afford that"..

My reaction is to explain that I'm trying to save, explain my methods and explain why I can't spend today... This like you say makes her rage and tell me my reasons don't matter, which is incredibly invalidating for me...this the leads to a rage at me for not shutting up and it all moves on to blame laid at my feet and "if you just shut up none of this would happen.

I know the reasons behind the original trigger..(all to do with her father and making her feel like a burdon)... Sitting here now I feel like the best reaction would be to State Epathise Truth  but in the moment it is so hard to apply that and I fall into JADE.

Could be useful to note that after the arguments she requests that I should leave her alone with her emotion. I feel like in doing this I could be validating the invalid and allowing hef to focus on the rage... so I feel like using SET and then walking away could be the best way forward allowing me to explain my self in a validating way and still leave her to try to sit with her emotions

I don't know if I have given much advice that helps but hopefully there is something in here that helps you Smiling (click to insert in post)


 

I


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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2020, 07:59:24 AM »

Thanks Ozzie, Harri and Beren. All of the sound advice is always so helpful. 

Ozzie, I do get “caught” in the moment.  For instance, if my sister asks me why I didn’t return her pan and I respond that I’m sorry I got a phone call on the way out the door and then forgot to grab it.  Her response? Either, okay just bring it next time or I’ll swing by Tuesday because I need it for a school thing. 

This is virtually the same with everyone I encounter.

Fast forward to H.  Why didn’t you X?  Sorry, I got a phone call and then forgot.

You’re an idiot. You’re so stupid. You’re autistic. You don’t care anything about me (and would have remembered if it were your old bf (30 years ago). You’re incapable, fat, stupid, lazy. No one in the real world would put up with this.

It will be some combination of those responses, or worse. And mind you, this is in response to forgetting something small and totally fixable AFTER remembering and taking care of 20 other things that day.

My point is that it’s really hard to catch that I need to switch. And worse, most people will hear you out if you say something “wrong” and allow you to say “that didn’t come out right, what I meant was”.  Nope, this just fuels the rage.

And thanks Harri.  Now that I am aware of JADE vs SET, I am really trying, but it is exhausting.  And like Beren said, I worry that by validating his feelings, he believes he is right and the recurring circular discussions just keep reinforcing his incorrect beliefs.

Somewhere in one of the discussions or links Ozzie sent, it talked about pwBPD telling others how they feel.  This is a recurring theme with my H.  You did this because you X.  No, that is not why, I don’t care about X (and often X never occurred to me), I just wanted a nice night. 

So for the reinforcement and telling me how I feel, here is an example.

H is super focused that I slept with my bf 30 years ago (before we met).  He tells me I wanted it so bad, that I would have done anything to get it and a whole bunch of disgusting, derogatory comments along these lines.  None of this is true but he believes it and this is the theme of every rage.  He can relate this event to EVERYTHING that sets him off.

I can’t make the connection he does.  It’s confusing and I now understand it’s because of some underlying issue he has but it’s out of control.  These episodes have snowballed in recent years that I feel like it’s every couple of days now.  He’s started leaving for a couple of days here and there and will then come back as if nothing happened except he won’t speak to me.  He’ll just be the greatest dad ever, laughing and watching movies like nothing is amiss.  The kids are getting older and they see the bs, except my youngest who doesn’t yet. 

Or he’ll decide to not talk to me during the day and then just make small talk at night. And then when something upsets him, he’ll tell me I’m a whore and wanted it so bad. 

I have started to tell him that I will discuss the issue when we can have a calm discussion but I’m not going to be spoken to this way and then I leave the room.  It works for a bit, but then something new sets him off.

I know he is stressed about his career path, but I have offered support and to help,  but he always finds an excuse to not do anything and then tell me I don’t support him, which starts the you’re a whore bs again.  So fun.

Some examples.

Watching a movie or tv show and someone loses their virginity (these are fictional, romanticized movies).  I can see him tense up and get fidgety.  Then, later, I’ll say, I’m going to grab a drink, can I get you something?

You’re such a slut.  You would do anything for it and you think getting me a drink is the same?

So, here, no idea what to even say.

Example 2.

Son says the girl he was kind of seeing wants to take a break.  He’s a bit upset and relays that he spent time with her and it was for nothing (typical teen overdramatization).

I relay this to H, who flips out and hangs up the phone. 

Background/trigger. 20+ years ago I told my parents that H and I had been seeing each other for 3 years and things were going well.  H feels like it was 3 1/2 years (this came up in the last 6 months for reasons too long to explain) and now says “who else were you seeing”, “why would you downplay OUR relationship”, “why would you lie to your parents”.

The thing is, H was seeing someone else who was away when we met and he wanted to see where they stood before getting serious with me. So, even though we were dating, we weren’t officially exclusive until say May.  I count May 2017 to April 2018 (made up years) as a year, but H counts 2017 and 2018 as 2 years so he feels I insulted the relationship or was cheating on him. Neither is true.

So this somehow now triggers him when my son is talking about “wasting” 6 months. He sent an outrageous message to him, and my son is devastated and confused.

H tells me I keep throwing it up in his face and that’s why he’s freaking out. I tell him he’s not mad at our son, he’s mad at me so please don’t take it out on him. 

I leave it at that.

He doesn’t speak to me at all the next day except when he comes home and in a very casual way. 

I have tried to explain (several times) the May-April being a year vs counting the entire year, that I wasn’t seeing anyone else or cheating, that I wasn’t undercutting our relationship.  I  now know this is all JADEing, but if I don’t, he’ll continue the bs that these things are true and they simply are not.

How should I handle this?  Can I put this to bed?

Appreciate any comments or suggestions.  Thank you again!
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Narza

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« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2020, 11:17:46 AM »

Currently listening to "Loving someone with BPD" and it's amazing and I believe you would get a lot out of it.

It mentions that you shouldn't try to avoid triggers or high emotional subjects as you're only validating to the BPD that people shouldn't engage in that conversation / emotion etc.  Not that I'm suggesting you take the tirade of abuse, but keep doing what you're doing with SET and set the limit / boundaries (limits can be flexible in the future, boundaries can't) and leave the room.  Tell him you will discuss this further when he is ready to talk in a civilised manner.

As to why he gets triggered with your relationship and is transfixed on you either cheating / being with someone else.  Do you know what his previous relationships were like? Was he cheated on or felt cheated on in previous relationships (or even friends / colleagues) and he is now taking it out on you?   I don't know, just a thought?
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Narza

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« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2020, 12:40:15 PM »

Also, another thing that came to mind while walking to the shop.  Do you know who his FP is / was before all this started?

The only reason I ask is he could have had an FP who deserted him and that he feels that you might do the same and is lashing out at you the only way he can?
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UBPDHelp
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« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2020, 09:58:29 AM »

Hi Narza,

Thank you for the reply. Sorry I’m so late replying, I had a few things come up and sick kiddos so just coming up for air.

I don’t know why this is escaping me, but what is FP?

He had a girlfriend in high school that dumped him pretty bad and even though it’s so (soo) long ago, he still talks about her on occasion.  She was his first intimate partner and his “true love” even though sometimes he hates her.  The thing is, I just feel like who would even care either way after all this time?

His parents split in young adulthood and it caused a huge rift in his family. He has resentment there too. And I think one parent didn’t fight for the family, and no longer sees them, that is additional abandonment but he doesn’t talk about it much and when he does it is all negative.

So, I do see some of these things, but I’ve lost both parents (and one when I was young) and am kind of alone in the world except him and my kids AND that only makes the connection stronger, not pushing away. 

He has these “false” ideas in his head and they make total sense to him but are totally irrational to me.  And he will twist every last thing to mean something else.

For example, the overall trigger has to do with me sleeping with my boyfriend before I met H.  I was a young adult and we had dated for several years. We broke up not too long after (6-9 months) and I started dating H. 

So H will now say I gave “everything” to this bf and that I would move mountains for him (no idea what he is referring to) and so if I forget some little thing for him (after doing 100 other things), it’s because we aren’t meant to be together and he needs his “true love”.

Not defending, but it was a different time and people were a bit freer sexually so it wasn’t out of the norm for the most part.

So back to these made up beliefs.  He thinks old bf and I slept together in the summer, so when June rolls around, he is just on edge. Mad and yelling and all in all short tempered. (He’s finally explained this after 20 years).  Now he thinks it was a birthday thing (July) so now he’s telling me July is going to be hell for him and he doesn’t know how he’s going to do it.  I don’t even know how he got this in his head. I’ve tried telling him but it just opens up new issues and never sinks in.  It’s exhausting.

I don’t even understand why this is a thing.  I told him the truth from the beginning, he wasn’t bothered (I think he thought he would get some, so was okay with it).  He was mostly fine in the beginning of our marriage but over the last 10-12 years it’s just gotten worse and worse.

And, when one minor issue is “resolved” another little thing becomes an issue and we have a new trigger.

I’m trying to get strong and plan my independence because I don’t know how much longer I can do this.  I am terrified of the after assaults and for my kids.

And this weekend ruined because it was my cousins birthday and he now thinks I had sex with my old bf on my birthday (decades ago and never happened?) so yeah, what do you do with that?

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UBPDHelp
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« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2020, 11:04:49 AM »

Update.

So we had a birthday party with my cousin, which led to discussion of birthdays. I’m not huge into presents, etc., or big hubbubs for myself. Sure, I appreciate a nice, thoughtful gift, but I don’t expect it nor would I get bent out of shape if I didn’t get something amazing (might be hurt if forgotten day altogether but not about present).

So, this sets my H off about sex on my birthday which is months away (July) and he’s now raging at me about what an immoral person I am.  THEN he says that I keep these important all these years later.

Like what?  He’s the one who constantly brings these things up.  I never do.  I don’t care about this any more. Like I moved on well before H and I started dating and never looked back EXCEPT when he brings it up. I’ve never made a connection with my birthday. He does, but I have no idea why.

Why is he accusing me of connecting these things so many years later when he’s the one that does this?  It’s absurd.

I’m exhausted.
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