BPD girlfriend wants minimal contact and couples therapy

[GR194]

Hi all this is my first post so I’ll try to keep it brief...

My girlfriend has BPD and has always been very open about it with me. Last July she cheated on me and tried to take her life and has been in inpatient treatment until very recently. It feels like we’ve been through a lot together already and things started to feel positive recently as she has got sober and seems to be recovering well.

We recently spent a weekend together and I read something she’d written that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing with me (it was part of her recovery programme). This left us both feeling upset and she suggested we get couples therapy as there are clearly issues in our relationship around trust.

She has now said that we should have minimal contact until we start therapy (in about a weeks time) and this has left me feeling incredibly low and alone, it feels like it’s happened so suddenly and I am struggling to get my head around things.

She says she still loves me and wants to be together but needs to focus on her recovery first which I understand but I feel so shut out of her life and feel like it’s only going to go one way right now...

I don’t know if anyone reading this has experienced anything similar or can offer advice?

Thanks

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[Rev]

Hi all this is my first post so I’ll try to keep it brief...

My girlfriend has BPD and has always been very open about it with me. Last July she cheated on me and tried to take her life and has been in inpatient treatment until very recently. It feels like we’ve been through a lot together already and things started to feel positive recently as she has got sober and seems to be recovering well.

We recently spent a weekend together and I read something she’d written that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing with me (it was part of her recovery programme). This left us both feeling upset and she suggested we get couples therapy as there are clearly issues in our relationship around trust.

She has now said that we should have minimal contact until we start therapy (in about a weeks time) and this has left me feeling incredibly low and alone, it feels like it’s happened so suddenly and I am struggling to get my head around things.

She says she still loves me and wants to be together but needs to focus on her recovery first which I understand but I feel so shut out of her life and feel like it’s only going to go one way right now...

I don’t know if anyone reading this has experienced anything similar or can offer advice?

Thanks

Good morning... This is a new one for me on the boards - namely that your girlfriend is being totally transparent. Wow!  And if you love her, then realize what a gift this is to be found in a pwBPD. If my ex had been so forthright with me, then I think we might still be married.

And good for you in reaching out - shows that you care.  Have your read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?  You should - there is a free audio version on youtube.  It takes about 8 hours in total.  There are lots of great insights in that book.

The rest of your post seems to deal with your own attempts to handle the news that she has given you. It's always hard to navigate these things when you are emotionally invested.  So I always say, find a similar example that isn't so emotionally charged and apply the logic from that example to your real life one.

So - for example - all things being equal and BPD did not factor into the mix - and say your gf wanted to go into a closed retreat somewhere to, let's say, make art and write poetry and pray. How would you support her in that?

I would suspect that part of your mixed feelings are tied to the fact that you factor into her future decisions and it must feel like you hang in the balance - which I guess you do.  However, now that you see things in this new light, it becomes easier to say that you might want to go for some personal counselling to get ready to go for counselling.

Does this make sense so far.  I tend to be an optimist and so I don't want to assume to much. Try to take things day by day and not have too many expectations one way or the other.  BUT - you seem to be on a pretty positive path, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

Send updates …. and welcome to this really great community.  

Rev

[GR194]

Thanks Rev.

Yes I can appreciate how rare this can be and how fortunate I am in some ways. Unfortunately she hasn’t been that open with me about everything hence the trust issues in our relationship (along with my own insecurities).

I’ve heard of it but never read - thanks for flagging this I will definitely listen as I’m trying to digest as much material on BPD as I can.

That does help - I guess it’s difficult to see things from a neutral perspective when I feel so strongly and have that anxious feeling like she may message me tomorrow and say this isn’t working it’s over. I think my fear is that our relationship will now end without having a proper chance to try and fix it.

It helps hearing someone else’s perspective though and am mindful of how emotional and anxious I can be so try not to let these emotions take over. Thanks for the advice!

[Rev]

Thanks Rev.

Yes I can appreciate how rare this can be and how fortunate I am in some ways. Unfortunately she hasn’t been that open with me about everything hence the trust issues in our relationship (along with my own insecurities).

I’ve heard of it but never read - thanks for flagging this I will definitely listen as I’m trying to digest as much material on BPD as I can.

That does help - I guess it’s difficult to see things from a neutral perspective when I feel so strongly and have that anxious feeling like she may message me tomorrow and say this isn’t working it’s over. I think my fear is that our relationship will now end without having a proper chance to try and fix it.

It helps hearing someone else’s perspective though and am mindful of how emotional and anxious I can be so try not to let these emotions take over. Thanks for the advice!

You are most welcome... stay in touch.

Good luck.

Rev

[GR194]

Hi,

Just wanted to reach out again on this as I’m feeling a lot of strong emotions and feel this is as good way as any to express them and get advice.

My partner has set a clear boundary about minimal communication for the time being and that she will let me know when our couples therapy has been arranged (not sure when this will be).

I want to respect this boundary but also feel huge anxiety at the moment as I don’t know when I’ll hear from her and it feels really painful to not have contact. I’m trying to deal with my anxieties (e.g. that she will drift away from me) but am finding this difficult.

I want to reach out to her and express how I’m feeling but am conscious that this could make things a lot worse. All I want right now is some contact, just little things like knowing how her day went and to set up a new boundary where we can have some contact. I am obviously aware that this could make things worse but I feel like I can’t go on with this uncertainty and it’s driving me crazy.

I am finding this difficult at the moment so would appreciate anyone else’s advice! Thanks

[Harri]

Hi GR194.

Dealing with our own anxieties when in these relationships is difficult but vital.  I know it is hard.  Giving her the space she is asking for and needs right now is the best thing you can do for her and for the relationship.  You are right that pushing will usually backfire and make things worse.  I used the word pushing because even if you are very casual and ask to talk about her day she may feel it is too much pressure for her and pull away even more. 

The best thing you can do for yourself either in or out of your relationship is to work on you, strengthening you and learning to deal with your anxiety.   A lot of us here have issues with anxiety so you are not alone in that.  Take this time of limited contact to figure out what is driving your anxiety, where it comes from and how you can best deal with it without relying on your SO.

I too struggle with anxiety and find that Mindfulness really helps me when I am triggered (my ex used to go silent or withdraw when upset for example and I had a huge problem with that).  We have an article here that can help you begin to explore your anxiety, triggers, and ways to manage them:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind  Mindfulness and Wise mind take practice but over time we can get better at it. 

What else can you do for self care?  Do you run?  Go to the gym?  Listen to music? 

[GR194]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for this. Yep it sure is, I feel like giving space and not speaking is killing me and goes against every urge I have. I know that’s what I need to do and I’m just trying to take each day as it comes.

This message has helped me a lot, I am seeing a therapist now and am really trying to work on the causes of my anxiety and the root of it in my life. I’m sure a lot of people here can relate to that and often it can feel that my anxiety is getting the better of me.

Thank you for sharing this thread! There are some really helpful tips and exercises on here and I’ve found it so calming - really gives me a bit more hope!