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Author Topic: Heartbroken: will get none of my mom's things Part 2  (Read 896 times)
zachira
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« on: March 01, 2020, 11:41:53 AM »

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343269.0

Gagrl,
You are indeed correct. I reached out to the firm and they did not return my phone call. I also emailed the lawyer and called her, and got no response.
I just got an email from my sister. She says we have a new lawyer, no name or contact information provided by her, and accuses me of not being home during business hours or answering my phone, which is not true. (I am always being accused of something by my siblings. Both of my siblings have accused me of making it up that I did not receive either the email or the letter.)  I have had no messages on my phone and been home most days during business hours. I don't know what to make of this. I asked my sister to provide me with the name and contact information for the lawyer. I told her the lawyer must have the wrong number. Maybe there is no new lawyer and this is just another crazy move by my siblings to hurt me.
I don't know what to think. I am hoping we do have a new lawyer. I can't imagine that it is legal for a lawyer to send me an important letter snail mail and an email, get no response, and then make decisions without any proof she ever contacted me. The last lawyer seemed to treat me like I was a big problem. I can only imagine what my mother and brother told her about me, as I was always viewed as a problem because infrequently I would stand up for things that were just plain wrong, and I did carefully pick my battles. Most of the time, I just let my mother and siblings with BPD have their way, as I am not looking for controversy. I am indeed looking for loving caring relationships where there is honest constructive feedback on both sides. Not going to happen with my siblings because of the kind of people they are, and I feel sorry if indeed there is a new lawyer having to involve him/her in our terrible family dysfunctional interactions.

I would appreciate any tips people have on helping me to handle all this with respect and kindness to all, especially my siblings. The last few days, I have been going back and forth between secure in who I am to suffering terrible emotional pain about what is going on. I frequently have sat down and cried. I know I am angry with my siblings while at the same time feeling tremendous sorrow for how impaired they are. I am also feeling sad for mom, as she talked frequently about how she wanted us to have her things and to get along. I am more interested in having mom's wishes carried out than having a lot of her things, as it would be terribly expensive for me to mail them across the country. I would like my niece to have some things, as I know that would make her grandmother smile from heaven.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2020, 08:33:29 PM by Harri, Reason: split thread due to length » Logged

GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2020, 11:56:33 AM »

My heart aches for you, Zachira.

Is this something that now requires getting your own legal representation? Perhaps a lawyer will get a better response from your siblings and the new lawyer.

My husband's stepmother also wanted specific items given to each of her two children and three stepchildren -- she wrote out a list that her son, the executor, faithfully carried out. I agree there can be nothing but negative motivation to block you from obtaining those items at this stage.

Until you can take further action, what can you do to work through your emotion? It sounds as if you might be having PTSD reactions.
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« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2020, 08:07:32 PM »

 That's what I was thinking. Time to lawyer up.  Things can be handled, attorney to attorney. They are in the wrong. They are taking advatage of you.
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zachira
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« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2020, 11:13:40 AM »

Turkish,
When you first said they were lying I did not quite believe it. I am thinking there is some deadline for me to complain by and if my sibilings string me along, than I will not be able to protest. So far no reply from my sister on name and contact info for the lawyer; I am thinking there is no such lawyer. Any suggestions on how to get a lawyer, that will not cost me too much money? Everything has been distributed except mom's things so I think the will may have gone through probate and I have a certain period of time to object? (How do I find this out without hiring a lawyer? On line search is usually free and there is a good law library near me.)
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« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2020, 11:45:01 AM »

Gagrl,
I think you are correct, that I am having some PTSD reactions. I have had years of therapy, and had been doing quite well. I am facing the reality that my mother with BPD, my father with narcissistic traits, and my siblings with BPD, used/use cruelty as their go to tactic when things are not going their way. My father and mother both had this way of just melting down all of sudden about their scapegoated siblings, and not saying things that were all that relevant: things that happened years ago and really weren't all that bad.
My mother was constantly raging about everyone she knew from her friends who were nothing but extremely kind to her, to her children's significant others, and acquaintances. (She did not want any of her children to get married.) One of the last times I witnessed in person my mother going into one of her rages was Christmas 2016. It was about the girlfriend my long deceased brother had in high school, a truly nice woman, who had been dead for over 20 years. I just walked away. Mom said she was so glad that my brother never married her. (I think what she really meant was she was glad that the woman died so she could not marry my brother.)  My mother was very angry when my brother was dying of cancer and abused him so badly social services had to get involved. I was so upset about how cruel my mother was to my brother who was terminally ill, could pass away any day, how kind my brother was to mom no matter how badly she treated him, that I went to 9 years of therapy after my brother passed away.
I am indeed revisiting some terrible memories. I was relieved when my mother died as she continued to abuse me up to her last moments. My relief at having her die has turned into terrible distress, finally facing that my siblings are every bit as evil as my mother. I had this fantasy, that everything would be fine, once mom was gone. This fantasy was really unrealistic considering how many cruel things that my siblings have done to me over the years, and what they are doing now. It is time to accept that I will never have a loving relationship with my siblings, and protect myself by limiting how much what they do can upset me to the point I cannot sleep and am frequently crying.
I had been doing quite well most of the time for many years after starting therapy. I do think this has sparked terrible jealousy in my siblings. I am no longer the hunched over defeated sad person that they could abuse so easily. I have become a better person in my own right, though I certainly am far from perfect. People like me more than ever, and my siblings do not so easily sell to others that I am a horrible person. A few years ago, my sister and I went to visit some cousins we had not seen since childhood. My sister had three meltdowns while we were there over my cousins' paying attention to me, and at one point, one cousin had to take me out of the room so I could talk to his wife. Later on, I caught my sister telling my cousin's wife out right lies about me. Later in the day, my sister had another meltdown when I was talking with my cousins. I am not supposed to be anything. Indeed, I now believe my brother would not allow me to come for Christmas at my mother's house any more and tried to limit me from seeing her, because he was jealous of the attention mom gave me.
I think it is crystal clear now. I am sorry my therapist has moved to another state. Time to work on what I can control and let go what I can do nothing about.
Thank you for reading this. Most of all, I appreciate your kind thoughtful responses.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2020, 11:51:53 AM by zachira » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2020, 04:04:28 PM »

zachira,

I would call the county or city that has jurisdiction over your late mom’s probate. They will have the truth - if there is a new attorney, if you have time to contest it, or if the matter is closed. I am guessing you have the right to view county probate records since you received part of the estate.  You don’t have to go through sibling abuse to obtain information directly from the local jurisdiction.

Once you know the truth, you can make an informed decision. Sometimes it’s not worth fighting a bully. It may make more sense in the long run to walk away.

Take care!
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« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2020, 09:19:26 AM »

TelHill,
I will contact the court to get the records on my mother's estate. I am wondering how to get the lawyer's personal files. For me right now, what is most important is to have the truth. I am hurting really badly right now. I can move on when I know what the truth is and what my options are. I now know that my brother and sister have never had good intentions with me, that underlying any nice things they did for me, they were trying to manipulate me. My deceased brother on the other hand was incredibly kind to me. I remember one time he and I took a trip together. At the end of our week long trip, he invited me to dinner and told me he wanted to thank me for the good time we had had together. When I got back from the trip, mom complained to me that she could not get my brother to complain about me and the trip he took with me. Mom was jealous of course. I have been holding onto this fantasy of having my surviving brother and sister some day appreciate me. They treat me like my mother always treated her sister: talking constantly badly about her. My mom invited her sister for Christmas for several years and raged about having her sister in her house both before and after the visit. My aunt was nothing but the perfect house guest and I think probably felt like she was walking on egg shells. My mom would sometimes go to visit her sister. When mom returned from her visit, she talked about how my aunt bossed her around and took control of her life, none of which I am sure is true. My aunt was a good listener. Whenever my aunt called, and after listening at length to my mom, she would volunteer some small thing about her life. Mom would be furious after the call, and complain about how boring her sister was. My sister always hangs up on me if I volunteer anything about myself. My siblings treat me like my mother treated her sister. I hope there will come a time when I no longer have any contact with my siblings. I am working on acceptance and it is so painful.
Thank you for your help and support.
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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2020, 04:15:15 PM »

My sister was lied to for sure by my brother about the attorney trying to contact me and I just wasn't available. My sister told me I needed to be home during business hours which I was. My sister and BIL have both ignored my emails and voice mails to get me the name and contact info for the new attorney. I finally got the name of the new attorney from the law firm where the first attorney worked. It has been two days since I spoke to the attorney's assistant and left a voice mail, and so far no phone call or email. I left a voice mail requesting that all correspondence the attorney sends me require a signature for me to pick it up.

I have had a pretty good day so far. I realized that I am like my father and deceased brother in that I am so straight forward sometimes that I can offend people, yet like them I am able to have close friends, and when I am kind to others it is genuinely from the heart. Unlike my mother, sister, and brother with BPD, who love to manipulate others by doing really nice things for others while stabbing them in the back.
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« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2020, 09:48:00 AM »

Zachira- I am admiring you so much as you work this insane time. I am sad that you have to go through this and I am hoping that finding out the truth will bring you some peace.

Particularly with verbal communication, I tend to be straightforward like you. There are times when I've realized that I can be too direct, but in dealing with the BPD circus, I've realized that it is because I hate guessing games. I hate being told one thing and trying to read between the lines to figure out what someone else means exactly. I hate passive aggressiveness.

Anyway, sending you hugs   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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zachira
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« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2020, 10:16:36 AM »

Spindle0516,
Thank you for understanding and your kindness.
I have read that human beings are wired to live in small communities of less than 100 people in which everyone knows everybody, so there are really no guessing games as to how a person is going to react/respond to other people and situations that arise. I have also read that in modern times, the average person meets around 10,000 people in their lifetime. We have many superficial relationships with people. I believe the key is to notice if the body language, the words, and actions are congruent. People who are able to connect with others and treat them with kindness and respect, are comfortable being genuine, and their body language, words, and actions match.

"Particularly with verbal communication, I tend to be straightforward like you. There are times when I've realized that I can be too direct, but in dealing with the BPD circus, I've realized that it is because I hate guessing games. I hate being told one thing and trying to read between the lines to figure out what someone else means exactly. I hate passive aggressiveness." I dislike all of this as well. Most of all, I dislike feeling unsafe: never knowing when my siblings with BPD (and my mother when she was alive) are going to start raging and blaming me for how badly they feel inside.
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« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2020, 04:44:30 PM »

I am having one of my really bad moments right now. The lawyer who is supposedly in charge of the estate has not returned any of my phone calls, even though my sister has accused me of ignoring the phone calls and will not tell me who the lawyer is. My BIL is refusing to answer my phone calls, a first for him. He has always been more of a babysitter to my sister and is usually nice to me, as long as I don't upset my sister who erupts on a moments notice over what seems like nothing or something that would be quite minor for normal people. It is clear my brother, sister, and BIL, are furious that I want some of my mother's things. Throughout my life, I have been abused nearly anytime I ask for something for myself or others. My sister and I own the family cottage. There was this bedspread she liked that was in the master bedroom where she sleeps that  was stained with semen. We have renters. You would not believe the number of arguments we had about putting another bedspread on the bed when the renters were there. She always says to me that it is her house even though we own it together and that was her defense for not wanting to put another bedspread on the bed for the renters. With my brother and mother, it is the same problem. I am not supposed to have any needs, opinions, or accomplishments. If I am talking, my sister immediately tells me I am boring, yet I have frequently listened to her raging for extended periods of time about people she is mad at. I just feel depressed wishing I did not own any property or have to have any business with my siblings. I would so much like to be able to go NC with them forever, and move on with my life. I wish I had been smart enough to see this coming before mom died. I feel despondent  though not suicidal at times at having my only three living immediate family members with BPD, and not having had my own family.
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« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2020, 07:52:10 PM »

Hi zachiraWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

I wish I would be able to offer you some comfort during this time. I can tell you are stressed, grieving, and sad. I am so sorry that the drama continues on.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

It's hard to remain firm and strong 100% of the time in our core. Life ebbs and wanes, and being the resilient kids that we are/were, it's easy to forget that we are also just that, little kids inside ourselves still hoping for a kind word and gentle touch. I think the greatest gift we can give ourselves is that very act of kindness and love, a reaching out to our younger wounded self in care and concern. Those are the medicines that our soul truly needs, and that will strengthen you to sustain the unfairness of it all and to support yourself and not give up for what is rightfully yours.

Since no one seems to return your calls, is there a different tactic you can take? Do you have a pastor or boss or business partner, someone in a position of authority who would make the phone calls for you with you right there, so then it wouldn't be your number showing up but rather someone they might consider 'important enough' to save face with? I hope that makes sense. Maybe even a personal banker who is checking on the 'investment' you are going to inherit (even if it's not going to be monetary, it might be a feasible tactic if you have an empathetic connection). They could get the direct name and/or phone number of the lawyer they need to contact for you. Maybe something like that? Trying to think creative for you. This also creates a buffer and a safer way to interact. I like the suggestions about reaching out to the court for the details.

Take care.  With affection (click to insert in post)
Wools
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« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2020, 11:37:57 AM »

Wools,
I was hoping I would hear from you. You were so helpful and kind to me when I first started posting on this board in November 2017 when my siblings forbid me to stay at my mother's house for Christmas and would not tell me the reasons. My mother was constantly calling me crying about why I was not coming and I was constantly crying about hurting her feelings, yet not being able to tell her why knowing that would escalate the mean behaviors of my siblings. Mom told me before she died that she knew there were problems between me and my siblings. Mom always wanted her children to get along and often talked about wanting her children to have her things. Mom also talked about other estates in the family being divided up and how everyone got together, got along as they peacefully divided up the deceased's things. I am beyond shocked how my siblings have behaved the last few years. As mom got older, they felt freer and freer to abuse both her and me, and do things she would never have done. Mom was indeed cruel to me at times, yet she did many loving things. My siblings have never loved me, and now all they want to do is hurt me as much as they can. Unfortunately we were set up by our parents to compete with each other, with two of us as golden children, and two of us as scapegoats.
I like your advice about remembering the child inside me. This does help. I feel compassion for myself when I think of myself as the little girl that so badly wanted to be loved by her family. You have given me a new and better focus. Thinking about why my siblings are the way they are does nothing to change who they are. Sitting quietly feeling my body sensations and feelings does give me peace and comfort while facing so much pain and sadness. Reaching out to kind and caring friends also gives me comfort. Doing kind things for others expecting nothing in return, even for strangers, gives me great comfort as well. I especially like helping children, and remember how as a child so many adults helped me to feel cared for even if for just a few moments, or a small gesture like showing sadness when I reached out for love from my mother and was rejected.
I also like your idea of getting someone to do the inquiring for me to find  out what is really going on with my mother's estate. I have often used the strategy of having people around that my mother and siblings want to look good in front of when I have to be around the family.
Thank you for your kindness and great ideas on how to keep my inner peace while going through such a painful time.
How are you doing? I admire how you have separated from your husband, and are facing so many years of living in a painful marriage. With your beautiful heart, I see many good things coming your way.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2020, 11:44:51 AM by zachira » Logged

TelHill
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« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2020, 03:14:49 PM »

The lawyer who is supposedly in charge of the estate has not returned any of my phone calls...

Hello zachira,

I am hoping you are feeling better! I have hired attorneys before, and they sometimes return calls a week or two later. Your siblings may have nothing to do with the attorney’s lack of action.

My local Bar Association gave me a great suggestion. If I heard nothing from my attorney after 10 business days, I’d write them a letter noting when I contacted them and noting I had no response. I wanted their office to arrange a telephone meeting scheduled within 10 business days  of their receipt of my letter. I would cc the local Bar Association. I would sign the letter in the presence of a notary. I’d mail it addressee signature required, with delivery tracking to the law firm.

This worked well for me to get the lawyer’s attention quickly.

You have been so helpful to me, zachira. I feel bad this is occurring to you.  Again, hope you are feeling better.     Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2020, 07:23:28 AM »

Telhill,
Thank you for your great suggestions on how to communicate with the lawyer. I am keeping them in mind.

Everyone,
I talked to the accountant who is managing the taxes for the estate. He confirmed to me that I left two phone messages for the right lawyer. He has worked extensively with both lawyers involved with the estate, the former and the current one. He finds them to be honest people. He suggested that due to the retirement of the first one, the second one may have lots of extra work to do and for this reason has not contacted me. I have another take on this one. My brother told me he was not going to allow me to talk to the lawyer. Does anybody know if the executor, who is my brother, can forbid me from having contact with the lawyer? The first lawyer made it clear to me that her job was to protect my brother by helping him settle the estate legally. One thing I know for sure is I have been lied to by my siblings, and I am wondering how much trouble my brother has given the lawyers with how immature, unreasonable, and controlling he is.
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« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2020, 09:11:51 PM »

That must be somewhat reassuring than knowing nothing.

The lawyer should represent the estate.  You are a person with interest. Unless your mother wrote you out of the will, your bother can go pound sand. If he isn't faithfully executing the wishes of your mother, or dispassionately executing the distribution of assets, then he's wrong. Yes, he can cause trouble (He is) but so can you as next of kin. 
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« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2020, 01:13:49 PM »

Hi ZachiraWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

Nice to hear from you too.  With affection (click to insert in post)

I'm very glad that you were able to confirm that your attempts to connect to your attorney were at least verified by the accountant. I would think that legally the attorney is bound to uphold your mom's wishes. I'm glad that your boundaries include standing up for you and your inner little ones.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

How am I doing?  Well, I just signed the dissolution papers yesterday, and DH signed them the day before. The attorney hopes to file them Monday. Big step. I am at peace in knowing it's the right thing to do, but it's also such a sad thing to end a marriage. I believe in the bonds of marriage (and nuclear family for that matter) so firmly, yet what do you do when abuse is present? Far too often we put the marriage or the family unit ahead of our physical and mental health, and we suffer and die inside. I feel that God values us as individuals, far above the institution of the structure of an abusive marriage or an unhealthy damaging family relationship such as you (and I) have experienced in our BPD FOO. The toughest thing is actually believing that, especially since we were so trained to believe that everyone else was more important than any of our needs.

I'm visiting my grandchildren this weekend. That's some helpful medicine for my soul.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2020, 07:30:50 PM »

I have just learned from google the lawyer for the estate only represents the executor and not the beneficiaries. My brother had said there was no way he was going to let me talk to the lawyer. All my mother's things are still in her house. Any suggestions?
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« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2020, 08:16:19 PM »

Zachira, I think you need to retain legal representation in the state where your mother lived, and have your lawyer contact the estate lawyer with a list of questions you need answered.
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« Reply #19 on: March 16, 2020, 09:38:16 PM »

GaGrl,
Thank you for your response. I agree with you. I am looking into getting a lawyer and if it is worth it. Legal representation is expensive and I will ask a lawyer what he/she can do for me. If it is a costly process and there is not much that can be done, I may have to let go of getting any of my mother's things. I hurt for my mother who envisioned (as is the custom in our family) my siblings and I getting together and amicably dividing her things up. My brother and sister are like my mother in that they have BPD and extreme paranoia about certain things. Some examples: My mother would complain endlessly about her sister coming for Christmas even though she was invited and the perfect guest, my aunt probably walking on eggshells most of the time trying to keep the peace. My mother always complained when she went to visit her sister how she was controlled and bossed around by her, which is not true. Mom just could not handle any situation that she was not in control of and being at her sister's house meant she was not in control. My mother's sister would often call, ask all about our family, and rarely volunteer anything about herself. After the conversation ended, my mother would rage about the things my aunt volunteered about herself. Both my brother and sister with BPD do all of these things with me, and with other people they are close to. I am dealing with two siblings with BPD who can take no feedback, and everything has to go their way. Any small suggestion on my part just makes them look for ways to get even with me. They certainly don't see me as a separate person from them. I am grateful that I now get it about who they are and am accepting that they won't change. Trying to get some of  mom's things may cause more drama that it is worth.  I do want to know my rights though and if it is worth it to try to get some of mom's things. I just am so sad for my mom because if she knew what my siblings have done she would be heartbroken. I may have to live with just being grateful that I didn't inherit mom's genes for BPD like my siblings did. Thank you for reading this. Writing about this helps, and your thoughful responses mean a lot. I feel like I get validated and cared for here.
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« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2020, 01:24:05 PM »

I have a letter from the new lawyer, sent by email and snail mail. The letter confirms: 1) I probably was never sent a certain letter by mail and email by the first lawyer, which my siblings claimed was sent, as there is no mention of this letter, and the new lawyer only mentions actual communications that I did receive. 2) the new lawyer was not trying to phone me and I did not respond, another lie invented by my siblings. Turkish: you are right, my siblings lied to me about everything. I feel like I now know exactly what my siblings are capable of and there is no hope for any kind of constructive respectful relationship with them ever, just like with my mother when she was alive.
I am also annoyed that this lawyer like the last one sends everything by snail mail and/or email that requires a response by a certain date with their being consequences if there is no response. Their attitude seems to be: I did my part legally, and that is all I care about. All the important letters I have ever gotten from other lawyers/any other institution have always required that I sign for them.
The letter also paints me black. No suprise here, as the new lawyer only hears my brother's side of the story, and legally the lawyers represent the executor and not the beneficiaries. My brother told me he was not going to allow me to talk to the new lawyer, and this is likely why she has not returned my phone calls.
The first lawyer told me that she was going to let my siblings and I divide up my mother's things. I told her it was not a good idea. She then had an outside evaluator come in and determine what the actual market value of all my mother's things would be, which is not much. So instead of everything for infinite time languishing in my mother's house which my brother now owns with the lawyers no longer involved, there will be a division of my mother's things. I also think the lawyers are stuck with dealing with some aspects of my brother's need to control everything, his dishonesty, his and my sister's BPD with strong narcissistic traits and the faulty narratives they create. They are estate lawyers, so certainly, they have dealt with all kinds of dysfunctional families before.
The new lawyer has offered me the chance to choose some of my mother's things from a list identical to what the first lawayer offered. Previously, I complained to my siblings and both lawyers in writing about how I cannot choose from this list, as I am unfamiliar with many of my mother's thing because I have been denied so little access to her house in the last few years. Also, some things are unfairly grouped together which would make sense to divide between the siblings.
I am offered cash if I do not take any of my mother's things. There is a part of me that is obsessing over writing the new lawyer, setting her straight, and telling her what I think of the whole process, and what is my version of the story. I realize that I should take the cash and forget about my mother's things for several reasons: 1) If I decide to take anything, for sure my sister will get all the best stuff. 2) If I decide to take anything, than I have to deal with my siblings directly to get the things out of what is now my brother's house, and for sure my siblings will turn what should be an easy straightforward process into another way to get even with me.
I am wrestling with my need to tell my side of the story to involve myself in the drama. I am so heartbroken for my mother, as she would be so sad to know that her children are not following her wishes, which is to get together and peacefully divide her things. I am telling myself that letting my sister have all of mom's nice things means my niece and nephew will eventually getting their grandmother's things, and I would have left all of my mother's things in my will to my niece and nephew. I am also telling myself that I already have many nice things from my mother.
If I were to respond to the lawyer's letter, what would be a constructive way to say that I am going to take the cash, while somehow standing up for myself without sending my siblings on the war path? Anything I share with the lawyer will surely be shared with my brother who will than tell my sister some kind of  exagerrated version or out right lies to make me look bad.
There is a part of me that so much wants to tell all those that believe my brother's and sister's lies about me my version of events, including the relatives which never works as they are heavily triangulated to begin with and tend to side with my sister and brother as part of their ongoing participation in the smear campaigns against family scapegoats from several generations. I have lots to work on in terms of not letting all that has happened not rent any more space in my head, as it has already taken up too much of my life.
My wonderful friends listen to me, and often disagree with me. They often tell me things that help me to be a better and happier person.
I am grieving over the loss of my family. The only way for me to win is to from now on have the happiest and most meaningful life I can until the day I die. My siblings will never be happy people, and I try to have compassion for them thinking about how awful they must feel inside to treat others so badly.


« Last Edit: April 08, 2020, 01:43:06 PM by zachira » Logged

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« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2020, 04:10:35 PM »

Hi zachiraWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm really glad to hear that a lot of the confusion is now much clearer after all that was revealed through receiving this letter/email. That must help a lot, and it brings validation of all you suspected.

Did you just receive the information today? If so, I can only imagine the intensity of the emotions that must be churning inside of you.

I had a couple of immediate thoughts for you, mostly based on what happened with my grandfather's things when he died. There was a lot of scrambling to get large items, and those that were thought to be of value monetarily were of prime importance to the children (my aunts and uncles). Next us grandkids were able to chose some things. You know what I chose? Something small that would remind me of my grandpa and grandma. What I chose had no monetary value but had a lot of warm memories for me. I chose a cookbook of grandma's, one that had her handwritten notes in it and stained pages from all of her cooking. Next I chose a teacup that was a treasure to her, and a tiny vase to hold flowers, something that she loved to grow in her beautiful garden. Then of grandpa's things, I chose to keep the spinning wheel he gave me (thus my name 'Woolspinner'  Smiling (click to insert in post) ), and some old falling apart pocket watch parts. That was all that I needed, and I remember them with love because of these small reminders. Eventually when no one claimed Grandma's apron that had hung in the little kitchen closet, I asked if I could have it a few years ago. That treasure slipped by everyone else.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Do ask for something that is a reminder to you of your mom, of the things that you found special as a child, and don't let your siblings rob you of those joys. Perhaps you will want to be creative in your choices, to avoid what they might consider of value, and find something dear to your heart but don't tell them that it is special to you. It might also be nice to do a combination, part money and a few items. That way you can chose to ponder and buy something special from your mom's money that no one can take from you, yet you will know and treasure this item. A piece of jewelry, a spinning wheel  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) (couldn't resist), or what ideas would you have? You finally get to make some choices here!

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools
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« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2020, 04:41:24 PM »

I did something similar to Woolspinner regarding my grandmother. She didn't have much, but I asked for a particular ceramic bowl and a big gumbo pot. She was a cooking marvel -- but she had written down no recipes!

Yes, this is time to select something of meaning to you. Is the rest of the estate items a lot of stuff like china, crystal, silver, decor items, furniture, household items? Do you need that stuff?

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« Reply #23 on: April 08, 2020, 05:09:30 PM »

Hi zacharia,

How long do you have until you have to give an answer about choosing things or money?  Are they giving you time to think about it or are they pushing for a decision?

I hear your frustration about being painted black and feeling that the lawyers are drinking your bother's cool-aid.  But I'm going to remind you not to JADE.  Who cares what this lawyer thinks of you, the people that care about you know exactly who you are and what you are about.  You will make a decision about your mom's things and you will never have to interact with this lawyer again.  You do not have to prove anything.

I'm glad and sad that you found validation in your suspicions regarding the letter. 

I want to echo everyone else and suggest that you really think about what has meaning for you of your mom's things.  I did not have any conflict when my dad died but I also asked for things that meant something to me. One of the things I asked for was all of my dad's neck ties. I made a quilt out of them.  Therapy/mourning in the creative process and I made a gift of that quilt to my brother. 

Hang in there  Virtual hug (click to insert in post),
Panda39
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« Reply #24 on: April 08, 2020, 11:02:02 PM »

Don’t be discouraged. I don’t mean to minimize, but they’re things, zachira. I imagine that your family members had their eyes on those things for a very long time. Now, you simply want a piece of your history. Your disordered siblings will never let that happen. What pieces of your history do you want? There is something attached to the things that you wish to keep. Unless I’m completely off base, what are those feelings?
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« Reply #25 on: April 14, 2020, 01:49:10 AM »


Hey, I'm kinda late to this discussion, yet I want to echo something others have said.

I think this situation is well past the point were a lawyer to represent YOUR interests is needed.

I use a service that I pay about $18 bucks a month for that allows for phone consultations and discounts on referrals if "in person" lawyers are needed.

They will also write some letters on your behalf. 

I've used them on several estate issues where I wanted to get actual/accurate copies of the law AND understand how estate courts are "using" or "interpreting" those laws.

I'm saying this so you understand that legal advice doesn't have to be overly expensive.

Please read that a couple of times. 

It's not just what the law says, it's also how it is put into practice.

It does ring true to me that lawyers work for the estate "through" the executor. 

I'm so sorry you are having to work through this. 

Best,

FF
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« Reply #26 on: April 15, 2020, 11:24:27 PM »

if you are in the will, I'm pretty sure you cannot be denied if you ask for a copy if you do not already have one.  If you get it and things have not been handled by the executor by the wish of the will, I would feel optimistic an attorney could help you make things right.  Just my2 cents.  FOO isn't fun to navigate.  If feel for you and hope the best.
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« Reply #27 on: April 18, 2020, 03:05:10 PM »

Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful replies.
I finally did it; I sent the letter to the new lawyer agreeing to take cash for my mother's things. My sister said I could have the Christmas decorations which are not part of the list of mom's possessions to choose from and are what I am most sentimental about as mom and I shared a love of decorating her house with special decorations at Christmas time. Before writing the letter, I reviewed all communications from both lawyers, and it is obvious that both lawyers had to deal with my brother's refusal to listen to their requests to do what the will stipulated, including having my siblings and I going  to mom's house (now my brother's house) all at one time to divide up mom's things. My mother and siblings with BPD and strong narcissistic traits, have alway had extreme paranoia about having anyone in their home who they are close to, and that they will be seen for who they are, as they cannot keep in check their raging emotions and need to blame someone for how badly they feel. The second lawyer was obviously stuck with my brother wanting things his way and well aware of my brother's refusal to cooperate with the first lawyer.
I really appreciate everyone who encouraged me to ask for one special momento for myself. I like Wools' story about getting her grandmother's cookbook.
Panda39 really helped me in reminding me about not jading. I realize I have been stuck for a long time on wanting to be heard and seen by my family members with BPD with strong narcissistic traits, and they do not have the capacity for empathy or to change for the better.
Formflier,
I am very much interested in knowing the name of the legal service you are paying $18 a month to. The second lawyer has said in so many words though somewhat indirectly, that to settle the estate I need to sign off by agreeing my brother has legally met his obligations to settle the estate and if I don't object by a certain date than I will lose my right to hold him legally acountable. I am not interested in suing him, and there are still some important issues to settle, and I want to be on solid ground before I do so. Also, I anticipate ongoing problems for the future with my siblings, and I want some really good legal advice.
Going forward I plan to:
1) not do phone calls with my siblings or be alone with them. Insist everything be by email and in writing. My siblings care how they look, and use in person alone time with me to abuse me.
2) continue to interact with my more distant family members and not be involved in big family events if I can avoid it. A cousin called me today and tried to get me to participate in the family weekly zoom meeting, and I told him briefly why I do not want to participate and asked him not to share with my siblings that we are in contact.
He assured me that many family members like me and would like to see more of me. I explained it is best that he doesn't share his contacts with me, as then he will be stuck listening to my siblings malign me. I made it clear, that I am fine with him liking my brother and sister and having relationships with them.
It was a huge relief to sign off on getting my mother's things. I did not want to be involved in having to get the things out of my brother's house, and also know my brother and sister would have taken all the best things, particulary whatever I really wanted.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who responded including the latest responses from: drained1996, formflier, JNChell, Panda39, GaGrl, Woolspinner2000.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2020, 03:13:54 PM by zachira » Logged

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« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2020, 03:35:56 PM »

Hey..I'm glad you picked a path.  Hopefully you will hear back soon.

I would ask you do some thinking on your statement about not wanting to do a lawsuit.

What if you got your legal advice straight, then figured out what was the minimum you would accept and then you hoped that "you wouldn't have to do a lawsuit".

Essentially, let their behavior and decisions make that decision..rather than you.

You make a decision in life to hold to a certain standard, entities/people that go outside that standard, especially if they damage you, get held to the standard you set.  (family doesn't get a pass)

Many of us have been trained to "cover" for outrageous behavior.  I'm concerned that some of that "training" is affecting your view of the legal process.

Likely enough on that for now.

Step 1...understand the law.  Everything else flows from that.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #29 on: April 18, 2020, 03:43:42 PM »


Reasons to understand the law first.

I was on the phone with that legal service several times on Friday.  I ended up filing an eviction, even though all this virus stuff is going on.

My "worry" was that if I filed an eviction and the case wasn't heard for several months (which might be lucky for me if it happens that quick) and then they made a deposit that it would invalidate the entire filing.

Luckily I was told in that state it doesn't.  As long as they don't fully pay off the debt I can still take it to trial.

I offer this to show the level of detail that you can gain through these services and that level of detail most likely will be at play in contesting a will.

I would guess there are several steps to contesting it, such as filing a letter and letting time elapse for response or non response.  Then filing court papers in response to the outcome of the letter...etc etc.

Most of that is stuff you can do yourself, as long as you don't mess up a timeline.

Best,

FF
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