Just found this website, I feel absolutely broken.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don’t know if anyone can give me the necessary advice to utilize with all this, but here goes.
Her name’s J, she was like a sister to me for 2 years. We both didn’t find each other attractive and knew we’d never be intimate with each other. On the 3rd year of knowing each other I hadn’t seen her for months, and when I came back we could both feel the shift in our relationship. We admitted feelings to each other, that we both agreed never thought could transpire.
Fast forward after a year of dating to today and I am in shambles over my discovery as to why all my friends told me she was crazy. Why her mother and sister persistently insinuated the same thought to me. After a year I found out she had Borderline Personality Disorder.
The cheating, the lies, the engulfment, the fear of abandonment, and of course inevitably the feeling of being discarded.
I thought I could fix her once I was confident that she had to see a psychologist, even to the extent of offering to pay for couples therapy so that maybe a professional could diagnose her, but if course the attempt failed. I can’t believe I’m going to lose this person in my life, but what I can’t believe more is why I’m so fearful of disregarding her from my life. Why did I suddenly adopt the fear of abandonment that she has? I know that she’s a lost cause at this point, but why does my heart race whenever I get a notification hoping it’s her?
I’m at a place where I know this is for the best, but I can’t help but feel shattered. I’m reading walking on eggshells and that’s how I made the discovery of this website, nonetheless I just want to be me and love myself again without having to ponder thoughts about J.
Any advice is appreciated, I can’t help but look at everyone who overcame this in admiration. Thank you.

[LostMyselfToHer]

I don’t know if anyone can give me the necessary advice to utilize with all this, but here goes.
Her name’s J, she was like a sister to me for 2 years. We both didn’t find each other attractive and knew we’d never be intimate with each other. On the 3rd year of knowing each other I hadn’t seen her for months, and when I came back we could both feel the shift in our relationship. We admitted feelings to each other, that we both agreed never thought could transpire.
Fast forward after a year of dating to today and I am in shambles over my discovery as to why all my friends told me she was crazy. Why her mother and sister persistently insinuated the same thought to me. After a year I found out she had Borderline Personality Disorder.
The cheating, the lies, the engulfment, the fear of abandonment, and of course inevitably the feeling of being discarded.
I thought I could fix her once I was confident that she had to see a psychologist, even to the extent of offering to pay for couples therapy so that maybe a professional could diagnose her, but if course the attempt failed. I can’t believe I’m going to lose this person in my life, but what I can’t believe more is why I’m so fearful of disregarding her from my life. Why did I suddenly adopt the fear of abandonment that she has? I know that she’s a lost cause at this point, but why does my heart race whenever I get a notification hoping it’s her?
I’m at a place where I know this is for the best, but I can’t help but feel shattered. I’m reading walking on eggshells and that’s how I made the discovery of this website, nonetheless I just want to be me and love myself again without having to ponder thoughts about J.
Any advice is appreciated, I can’t help but look at everyone who overcame this in admiration. Thank you.

[formflier]

I think it's a wise move on your part to read stop walking on eggshells and I'm also glad that you found this website.  I think you will feel better soon by getting to know a community of people that "get it".

Listen...all of the things you are and will learn take time.  Give yourself that time.  Double down on being kind to yourself..it's time and energy well spent.

Please come back soon and post more about your situation.  I'm confident we can help you work through this and find a healthy outcome for you!

How does that sound?

Best,

FF

[LostMyselfToHer]

Thank you that means a lot, I’ve been meditating and from the progress I’ve made, I’ll probably finish the book in two nights. It just hurts to lose her, but supplemented with this confusion as to why when she was so terrible.
I’ll read around. I’m not sure how active people are on here in comparison to reddit.

[formflier]

I would encourage you to try out BPDfamily for a couple of months.  We have discussion boards and a number of articles that will help you understand what you are dealing with and also learn new tools to move your relationship and yourself in a healthier direction.

For instance many of us are unknowingly "invalidating" to our pwBPD (person with BPD).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

So we have a number of articles and workshops about this and how to improve our communications style.

I see that you mention "you know she is a lost cause".  What is it about the relationship that leads you to this conclusion?

As things stand now, what do you think you want the most help understanding.  I would imagine you have lots of questions from the reading you are doing.

Best,

FF

[LostMyselfToHer]

She’s insane. She thinks trump is a good president and everyone is brainwashed to believe he’s horrible. She thinks Obama orchestrated the opioid crisis. She persistently projects her own ideas about herself to me so she doesn’t need to acknowledge her own faults. She just isn’t worth the pain and suffering that I endure because of her narcissistic/dichotomous mentality. Though all I crave is the love and affection I once had with her, but inevitably she will just become worse and worse while I allow her to degrade me as a human. She’s just PLEASE READed in the head. She’s so entitled and spoiled and lost, yet exuberates this unwarranted arrogance. I want to know how to detach and not feel bad about blocking her out of my life.

[formflier]

  I want to know how to detach and not feel bad about blocking her out of my life.

That's a worthy goal and one we can help support you in accomplishing.

I'll check back soon and make sure you are connected with some people on the detaching board to help you move forward.

You are in a safe place and we can help you.

Best,

FF

[LostMyselfToHer]

Thanks so much, I’m not sure how this website or forum works, but I appreciate any advice. It’s very reassuring to hear that from someone, I’ll come back on here as well to utilize any other resources I’m given. Thanks again, it means a lot to finally get help with this.

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/02.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0


Above are a couple of links you should start to look through.  I would encourage you to keep pen and paper (or computer document to make notes) handy and write down questions about what you have read.

Read these a couple of times. 

Expect some of your most powerful learning experiences to be when you can post "Hey...abc happened the other day and it sounds a lot like the xyz I read about in the article.  How have you guys dealt with that?"

Then as people respond it's likely that you will find people with stories that are very similar to yours and they can help you navigate through the detaching process.

We will all help you with "self care".  It's extra important that you care for yourself "extra" during these difficult times.  You are worth it!

In fact..I'd like to hear more about what you like to do that helps you relax and recharge.  Feel like sharing?

You can do this...we've got your back!

Best,

FF

[l8kgrl]

It just hurts to lose her, but supplemented with this confusion as to why when she was so terrible.

Welcome LostMyself - really sorry to hear that you're in such a tough place right now. I think everyone on this board can relate.

I really struggled too with this idea of WHY I could be so sad about and miss someone who was such a taker and really didn't treat me well at all. I haven't read the eggshells book so not sure if it talks about this, but one concept that has been helpful to me to learn about is trauma bonding.

The idea is that when you go through intense ups and downs with someone, it actually creates almost an addiction to the relationship, even if the downs are truly awful. Fear can actually create an intense "bond" (not the same as closeness). It's kind of like gambling or drug addiction - random positive reinforcement is SUCH a powerful thing. One hit of something good will get us pushing that lever over and over again, hoping it will happen again, even if 93 times out of 100 we get an electric shock instead of a prize.

Part of the trauma bond also involves emotional intensity, which we can then mistake for love or intimacy or passion. But a strong attachment or strong bond is not the same as a close relationship. A bond can be strong but based on something unhealthy.

Does any of this resonate for you?

Regardless, like FF said, please be extra kind to yourself as you begin the process of disengaging. 

[LostMyselfToHer]

Thanks so much for contributing your words towards my healing, it means a lot to hear from people that have endured almost exactly what I have been enduring.
It’s crazy actually, I just finished reading the part about intermittent reinforcement which is exactly what you’re referring to, even with the lever example.
It is scary that I felt so high with such low effort initially, but then slowly escalated my addiction to the extent of putting in tons of effort just to feel that high again.
I’m actually about to finish the book, and appreciate all the kindness I’m receiving on here. Thank you. I’ll keep working toward healing.

[zachira]

My heart feels some of your pain finding out that your girlfriend has some sides to her that hurt you deeply and are very confusing. You have made this painful discovery after falling in love with her and after knowing her for quite awhile. Know that you are not alone in having this type of experience and trying to reconcile the woman you feel in love with and what she is like now. Do read some of the posts of other members who have similar stories to yours. We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[LostMyselfToHer]

That’s very kind of you to say. I just feel very uneasy and discarded because she’s able to ignore me so easily because apparently I’m selfish and I’m the one “that PLEASE READed up” when all I wanted to do was go hang out with one of my closest friends. It’s been a whole week of her just ignoring me and probably scouting her next prey on Tinder and Bumble. It sucks just being a past target and imagining her flirt with other guys. It’s painful and making me delirious that this relationship only existed in theory, it was never real to her. It’s PLEASE READing me up because she was a close friend to me first and now I have to cement the idea that her and I can’t share each other in our lives, I have to stop looking back and just move on. It’s just so much easier said than done.

[zachira]

You are right; it is so much easier to say we need to move on than to do it. Give yourself time and be patient. So many of us have made the mistake of loving someone who at some point turns into someone other than the person we fell in love with. So many members talk about not seeing the red flags, that there were signs from the beginning that this person was not really good news, and being so taken by how this person seemed to be everything that they wanted, that they ignored the red flags. Some members say there was no warning. I have learned that if somebody seems to be too good to be true they are, and to stop showing so much of myself to someone before I know who they are, as there are people who thrive on pretending that they are everything this person wanted and love bomb the significant other only to later discard them. What have you learned through this experience and what advice would you give to others?

[LostMyselfToHer]

Yeah those are some very good points you made. That question to does get me to think throughly about what I would’ve done with the Information I know now. To be honest, the only thing I would’ve done differently is to wait to expose myself so vulnerably and assess why I’m even in the relationship in the first place. If I’m being brutally honest, the only thing keeping me attached is the possessive trait I hold. I don’t want anyone else having her. The thought that one day she might get better and then somebody else gets to enjoy having her in their life. I wish I just would’ve kept my distance and kept her as a close friend/sister but that’s only knowledge I can utilize for my future relationships. As of right now, I’m still hoping that she’ll call or text me. It’s almost pathetic, but I think once I know she’s let go, then it’ll be easier for me to stop trying so hard to force my way back in. It was the humor, the charm, the mansion she lived, and especially the love that we made when we were on good terms. I just wish it didn’t have to end with me feeling discarded and use, but from what I’m predicting that’s what it ultimately is and I just have to accept that.

[zachira]

How do you think you would feel if you had ended the relationship or she had amicably ended the relationship? Being discarded just feels terrible, and we can beat ourselves up over it and it is hard to rationalize that this is how people with BPD often behave going from extremes of wanting you than not wanting you and often for several rounds.