Hello Mr. Kelly,
Sincere apologies that I just saw your post! I am "technically challenged" with this site: didn't realize I needed to go to the next page to see additional posts on my thread! (and the previous lone excerpt I posted--my first ever excerpt, but ran out of editing time, so repeat my post here with the same excerpt!)
Do you find yourself having any time with your husband that seems peaceful, nurturing and intimate?
Unfortunately, not much at this time. For years those times have been confined to trips when we're away from 1) home and 2) the kids, our two favorite battlegrounds.
Things are ramped up and pretty tense these days. Today I'm getting a breather b/c he's out of town. Frankly, I live for these "peaceful" days!
All that said, I have had some profound epiphanies in the past year that likely correspond to my life stage: our youngest child graduated from high school last year, so I have more time to focus on the marriage rather than just blundering through it. Specifically, I've reached a point where I know that if my marriage dissolves I can survive (empowering notion); that I've had lousy boundaries my whole life which both got me in this situation in the first place, and meshed perfectly with the pathology surrounding my BPD's demands; and that my behaviors in this relationship (i.e., keep the peace at all costs, let my BPD always have his way but hate him for it, "walk on eggshells") aren't serving ANYONE well--not me, not the kids, nor HIM!
So I've embarked on a journey to strengthen boundaries and pursue a more authentic life. We are facing major financial decisions (mostly optional and his ideas--a home remodel, vehicle replacements, when to retire, etc.), so it behooves me to get my affairs in order and take a proverbial seat at the table. If he is willing to come along, great. If not, I know I have to honor myself, so cannot "cave" into the old ways.
Finances are a long-standing conflict with us. He's a spender, I'm not; and whenever I say "no"/"not now" to something, he has a toddler-like tantrum and accuses me of killing his dreams, etc. So one thing I'm considering is ultimately separating our finances so he's free to buy what he wants and vice-versa, with shared expenses clarified and honored. Lots of practical work on my end. I feel like I need to be prepared when we discuss this to avoid freaking him out.
Scary but exciting stuff. (And so much easier to write about when he's out of town!)
How about you? What ended up with your situation? I must say honestly that when I reflect on my own past with my uBPDh, I wish I had run for the hills when I saw those initial "red flags"--but we all know relationships are complex, don't we?