How to reconcile "protective dishonesty" part 8

[UBPDHelp]

Trying to pick out the most important nugget to me.

If he says something 500 times...how does that relate to it being "true"?

So..if he says you ride a witches broom every night for the last 3125 nights...does that somehow make it true, whereas 3124...not true at all?

What do you KNOW about how this disorder affects what comes out of his mouth?

(I'll get to the other stuff later, or someone else will)  It's important that you GET and then APPLY these concepts to your thinking.

Best,

FF

Yes, he’s full of bull a lot of the time. Maybe he means it, maybe he doesn’t. But it’s not how you treat someone or speak to them. It’s definitely not love.

I’ve said to him many times that just because you say something, doesn’t make it true. This is in regard to made up stories.

I deserve better. I don’t know that he is capable of better. —€ (that’s my witches broom)

[formflier]

I agree with everything you said.

What I hope you can also agree with is he doesn't "want" a divorce.  Perhaps he does in the moments he says that word...or perhaps it's how a weird feeling comes out.

So...back to disciplined thinking.

Bad example

I'm going to divorce my husband because he "wants" a divorce.  BAAAAAAAADDDD

I'm going to divorce my husband because I want to separate from the drama.  (good thinking)

Do you see the difference?

How would you explain the difference?

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

I agree with everything you said.

What I hope you can also agree with is he doesn't "want" a divorce.  Perhaps he does in the moments he says that word...or perhaps it's how a weird feeling comes out.

So...back to disciplined thinking.

Bad example

I'm going to divorce my husband because he "wants" a divorce.  BAAAAAAAADDDD

I'm going to divorce my husband because I want to separate from the drama.  (good thinking)

Do you see the difference?

How would you explain the difference?

Best,

FF

Hi FF,

I see the difference.

Let me start by saying that perhaps I didn’t clearly communicate.

I don’t want to divorce because he says he wants to. I’m not trying to beat him to the punch.

I don’t want to live with zero peace where, because he had a bad day, or I told him to have a nice day or I said I felt differently (not right or wrong but just my own damn feeling), I get total dysregulation. I don’t want a marriage that I don’t feel emotionally safe or cared for.

Sometimes I don’t feel physically safe — not necessarily to person, I haven’t truly felt that — but to things.

So it’s not divorce because he wants it. Maybe he doesn’t want a divorce even though he’s spewed vile things at me. 

I don’t want to be married to someone who thinks it’s okay to call me a hillbilly slut, refers to me as Mrs. exBF name and tells me he’s going to divorce me and I’ll be all alone living in a cardboard box under a bridge.

Doesn’t even seem like a question to be had.

[babyducks]

I believe at times he does believe it.  He’s said it 500 times.

I have written words that explicitly say this.

He has said it 500 times but has never done anything about it.    All things considered it would actually be pretty easy for him to do something about it, pandemic or no pandemic.     But he doesn't do anything.  doesn't take any action.   Just says it over and over.    which makes me view this as another form of verbal abuse, not as a legitimate desire.

Nuance again. I don’t “have to” except that the fallout of not doing so can often be intensely negative.

So it is your choice.    You are choosing (for now) peace at the cost of not doing what you want.    that very well could be the right decision but it is still your decision.   you could have decided that since he won't leave the house you will leave the house and have your phone call with the lawyer in the parking lot of the nearby grocery store.   but that's not what you decided to do.    

1. Is he changing the story/discussion/deed in a purposeful way to attain the power position.
    a. A campaign to put me off balance to more easily obtain the upper hand

there are some people who fall into this category.  Charles Manson comes to mind.   Manson studied books to learn ways to manipulate people into doing what he wanted.    I wouldn't put your husband into this category.  

2. Is he unaware almost entirely of this vast need he is trying to fill?

I would put your husband in this category.     He exists in a disordered/distorted reality.   His awareness is pretty skewed.   His ability to function at an emotional level is pretty limited.   The 'gaslighting' is an abuse tactic.    

Can you see a possible way for this to continue?  I can’t really.

schrodinger's cat.    I can see it both ways.   this has been continuing for a long time.    change is hard.     it really only matters what you see though.    

[formflier]

So it is your choice.       

This..1000 times over...this.

Now...sit with this for a bit and have another bonus cup of coffee this morning.  FF says..orders..whatever.

Let's be completely honest.  Does it seem fair that it's your choice?  How do you feel when you read this?

It's us...no need to censor.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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