Too young for this, help me please

[Toxsick]

Hi everyone 

Last year i've been here posting about my bpd girlfriend, actually everything is good with her.
Also, if you've read my first post, you know that my mother is ALSO BPD (lucky me)

So this time, i come because of her :
Since i'm 2yo i've been abused physically and morally, developped really bad anxiety, being dependant, not secure.. i'm afraid of change.. well, a lot of things.
This year, it was finally becoming more "normal" with her, i was glad that our relationship was doing great and finally felt like i have a mom and not a child (i'm only 22)

But, she's back to it :')
Why ? Because she said i was rude with her for the past 3 month. Actually, i have some big problems for me so i'm pretty stressed and when i'm in a bad mood i just isolate myself and don't want to talk... But i'm not mean ! I just want to be alone. And of course if you come 10 times to ask me to do things when I already said i'm unvailable, i'll get upset. Like any human being.

My therapist said i should mourn the ideal relationship... but how ? i've never mourn anything and know she asks me to mourn something who's still alive ?

Also, i'm very dependant of her, it's eating me from the inside when we argue or are in bad terms.
It makes me sick physically, i have stomachache, headache because of intense stress, only eated two things in two days... I don't deserve to be treated like this and i shouldn't treat myself like that neither... But i feel so bad, i can't help it.

I'm super frustrated by this situation and can't let go the idea that someday i'll have a mom... i don't really see my dad, he's more like a.. friend-parent ? We never lived together.
I feel like if i don't have my mom i'll be completly alone and it's really frightening

Help me please

PS: I'm frend so excuse my spelling mistakes

[Turkish]

This is a lot of pain and stress you're dealing with.  It might be bigger to start small yet specific.

How do you feel that you're very dependent upon your mom?

[Toxsick]

I feel bad because my personality is independant and i have freedom as a core value so it's totally against myself and what i want. I feel like being teared apart, i want to be free but i don't want to abandon her (as she say)

[Methuen]

My therapist said i should mourn the ideal relationship... but how ? i've never mourn anything and know she asks me to mourn something who's still alive ?

 Hi there .  It sounds like you have a lot of difficult challenges to cope with right now.  You are not alone with this.  I'm guessing most if not all of us on this forum have gone through (or are going through) the process of mourning the ideal relationship with our pwBPD loved one.  That's when we recognize and accept our BPD loved one is not the healthy "normal" person we thought they were.  Instead, we accept they have an illness, and recognize that this changes how we interact with them, and also the type of relationship we may have.  In my case, I had to grieve the loss of the "mother I wanted", and accept the "mother I had". You also mentioned you've never mourned anything, and seem unsure of how to do that with a person who is still alive.  Mourning and grieving are much the same.  I went through a process where I grieved the loss of the "mother I wanted", and accepted instead the "mother I had".  I still have a mom.  I still have a relationship with her.  It's just different than I always thought it would be.  Here is a link which might help explain the grieving process. There will also be many other sources which help to explain this, but if you do online research, try to use recognized sites which end in .org, .net, .edu, .gov.  
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/getting-through-grief

Also, i'm very dependant of her, it's eating me from the inside when we argue or are in bad terms. It makes me sick physically, i have stomachache, headache because of intense stress, only eated two things in two days... I don't deserve to be treated like this and i shouldn't treat myself like that neither... But i feel so bad, i can't help it.

Can you tell us more about what you mean when you say you are very dependant of her?  How so?

[LunaJoy]

Dear ToxSick
So sorry you are suffering so much.  I can really relate to wanting a good relationship with your mum.  When things were good, I used to think that I had sorted it all out and that is how it would be from now on, and then it would go bad again and I guess I felt like a powerless, loveless little girl.  My mum is very old now and won’t be here much longer, and I am trying to hold on to some happy memories I have of her so that I won’t think badly of her when she is gone.  The happy memories are of her talking to my children so lovingly when they were little, a very early memory when she reassured me when I was little and felt like a spirit trapped in my body ('that is very deep thinking, Luna') and of her enjoying me playing some Bach on my violin.  Those are the good ones that stick out for me, and I hope you have some too.  Reading this site has taught me that my mother has episodes, sometimes she is great, and sometimes she is impossible and unpleasant and in a horrible place for herself as well as those around her.  Sending you love and best wishes.