dealing with blame/helping someone who won't help himself

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bf has been in a really dark place due to complications with his medications and also with our living situation. I mostly avoid him during the day because it seems like when I'm around him it inevitably triggers a fight, so it gives us both space. But I also miss him, and then he makes comments about being by himself all day, how the loneliness is really getting to him, and I feel guilty. On top of that, we have a joint project (a book) we've been working on for a long time, and he's mentioned that when I work on it in the same room as him, it helps to motivate him, even if he's working on something else. Just a couple of days ago, in fact, he mentioned the book.

So yesterday, I went into the room where he was, saying that I was working on the book and giving him an update on the current progress. I did not expect him to also start working in his current state, but I thought it would cheer him up, give him some hope for the future, and provide some companionship. Instead, he was furious, as he felt that I was pressuring him to work on the book too, and he went on a long tirade about how I never listened to him and how selfish I was and how "now he wasn't going to kill himself after all because he didn't want to give me that satisfaction." I let him talk through the tirade, did not interrupt, and only when he said, "I assume that was your intention" (to get him to work on the book) did I explain that no, that wasn't my intention, but I could see why he felt that way, and then I explained my true intention, and I apologized. He got even more worked up, saying that "sorry never fixed anything" (and of his favorite phrases) and how I was a liar and trying to worm my way out of what I caused, and then (after the tirade) how all that turmoil had wasted time for both of us.

I can completely understand why he misinterpreted my action and why he was upset, given his current headspace. I'm sure he feels a great deal of frustration at not being able to adequately focus and do creative work. But what angered me is that while I always give him the benefit of the doubt, he always treats me (in moments of conflict) as an enemy, not as a partner, disregards all the good I've shown towards him in the last eight years, and won't back down until I've been conquered. And also that if I can't keep up with his constantly shifting, often contradictory needs and desires, that I'm "not listening to him."

I tried to let it go, going for a walk which normally helps, but the entire time my head was brewing with pain and anger (really at the whole situation). I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel really lost and have no one to talk to. He always blames his pain on external situations (now it is bad internet and not having a pet) and any time I try to help, he just throws more roadblocks in the way and often accuses me of being one of the roadblocks. He really is behaving like a toddler, and probably feels like one in that he's experiencing pain but doesn't know how to address it. And I've probably been making the situation worse by caving in to what he wants, putting a bandaid over the situation, which just temporarily fills the void.

I have stated to him that the only way he can help himself is by treating what's on the inside, saying it doesn't have to be therapy (which he currently refuses), but it can be meditation/a support group/something. It don't think I'm getting through to him.

I love him deeply, but I'm really at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. Any advice on how to get him to help himself in a firm but loving way would be appreciated.

[HappyKJ]

My bf has been in a really dark place due to complications with his medications and also with our living situation. I mostly avoid him during the day because it seems like when I'm around him it inevitably triggers a fight, so it gives us both space. But I also miss him, and then he makes comments about being by himself all day, how the loneliness is really getting to him, and I feel guilty. On top of that, we have a joint project (a book) we've been working on for a long time, and he's mentioned that when I work on it in the same room as him, it helps to motivate him, even if he's working on something else. Just a couple of days ago, in fact, he mentioned the book.

So yesterday, I went into the room where he was, saying that I was working on the book and giving him an update on the current progress. I did not expect him to also start working in his current state, but I thought it would cheer him up, give him some hope for the future, and provide some companionship. Instead, he was furious, as he felt that I was pressuring him to work on the book too, and he went on a long tirade about how I never listened to him and how selfish I was and how "now he wasn't going to kill himself after all because he didn't want to give me that satisfaction." I let him talk through the tirade, did not interrupt, and only when he said, "I assume that was your intention" (to get him to work on the book) did I explain that no, that wasn't my intention, but I could see why he felt that way, and then I explained my true intention, and I apologized. He got even more worked up, saying that "sorry never fixed anything" (and of his favorite phrases) and how I was a liar and trying to worm my way out of what I caused, and then (after the tirade) how all that turmoil had wasted time for both of us.

I can completely understand why he misinterpreted my action and why he was upset, given his current headspace. I'm sure he feels a great deal of frustration at not being able to adequately focus and do creative work. But what angered me is that while I always give him the benefit of the doubt, he always treats me (in moments of conflict) as an enemy, not as a partner, disregards all the good I've shown towards him in the last eight years, and won't back down until I've been conquered. And also that if I can't keep up with his constantly shifting, often contradictory needs and desires, that I'm "not listening to him."

I tried to let it go, going for a walk which normally helps, but the entire time my head was brewing with pain and anger (really at the whole situation). I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel really lost and have no one to talk to. He always blames his pain on external situations (now it is bad internet and not having a pet) and any time I try to help, he just throws more roadblocks in the way and often accuses me of being one of the roadblocks. He really is behaving like a toddler, and probably feels like one in that he's experiencing pain but doesn't know how to address it. And I've probably been making the situation worse by caving in to what he wants, putting a bandaid over the situation, which just temporarily fills the void.

I have stated to him that the only way he can help himself is by treating what's on the inside, saying it doesn't have to be therapy (which he currently refuses), but it can be meditation/a support group/something. It don't think I'm getting through to him.

I love him deeply, but I'm really at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. Any advice on how to get him to help himself in a firm but loving way would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vincenta]

Hi HappyKj,

And welcome!
Sorry to hear about the troubles though.
Could you please tell us a bit more about your relationship- how long you have been together, why he is on medications, what are the typical quarrels you have etc?

Meanwhile, you might find the ‘ tools’ section under BPD family site very useful, please have a look on those.

We understand and care,

Regards

Vincenta

[HappyKJ]

Thank you for your response, Vincenta. We have been together over eight years, living together nearly the whole time. Things began very intensely, although the honeymoon phase only lasted a couple of months before I noticed this irregular behavior, which was baffling and deeply painful at first but I continued to stick with it because our love was so intense and I really do see him as my soulmate. And although I've grown used to these emotional outbursts now and try my best to use detachment/acceptance/self-care and I have grown a lot as a person, I must admit they sometimes still get to me, like the other day.

He's on gabapentin and klonopin, both which help to regulate his moods and anxiety and help him to sleep better, but he's also become dependent on both of them and recognizes this is a problem, both with dependency and side-effects. Also self-medicates with kratom and alcohol -- which he also recognizes as a problem. He's been battling alcoholism for years, has quit multiple times but it never lasts for long. Currently he experiences depression/anxiety/brain fog (can't focus on anything). Because of the alcohol and multiple substances, it's hard to pin it down to precisely what's causing it. He also says he's struggled with depression since he was a kid; had a very difficult childhood.

Usually the fights are triggered by something I've said/he perceives I was thinking/body language, etc. The triggers are so unpredictable that I often just try to avoid him or not say anything beyond pleasantries when he is in a bad mood (which he is often now). The subjects of the fights tend to revolve around me being selfish/disrespecting him/not appreciating him, jealousy (he thinks I want to see other men), or my incompetence (not doing something he asked me to do correctly, or even just the general way I perform an action such as taking too long to do something or doing something too quickly).

[HappyKJ]

I just wanted to give an update that today he apologized for his behavior. He said that the chemicals in his brain were off and he felt really bad about what happened, and if I wanted to leave him he would understand. His apology felt sincere. It reminded me that I am choosing to stay in this relationship and that may mean riding out the storms. Sometimes I can fall into victim mentality when things get bad. He really is a wonderful person, and I can see that he is expressing more self-awareness and apologizes more often than he did in the past.

It is nice to have an anonymous forum like this to talk to where people are supportive and aren't judgemental. It would be nice, though, to have tools to know how to address situations like this in the future.

[start_again]

I am sorry to hear that alcohol and alcoholism is part of your relationship.  The stuff is cunning, baffling and powerful.  Alcohol is a depressant and also a mood altering drug.   Alcoholics will take prisoners and project onto others to make themselves feel better resulting in an unhealthy codependency of focusing on the needs of the alcoholic and not your own.  It is never ones job to fix an alcoholic.  I would suggest an Al-Anon group for support

[Domino]

Hey HappyKJ

Just reading through your posts and wanted to say what a loving, caring person you seem to be. It must take amazing patience to be able to deal with some of these situations. It sounds like your partner is very lucky to have you. I hope you don't have to put up with any more mistreatment and glad the immediate situation seems to have resolved itself.

All the best

[HappyKJ]

Thank you, Domino, for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. Start_again, I definitely agree that alcoholism is an insidious problem, and you're absolutely right that it is not my job to fix him. I've accepted that nothing I can say will stop his drinking (in fact, it only makes things worse when I attempt to intervene). Only he has the power to end it. It hurts me to see what he is doing to himself, but I have faith that he will one day stop for good.