What's the best way to get my ex back ? (part 2)

[Flightfar]

My ex broke up with me twice before this and I am afraid that this time he won't come back. It's been two months since the breakup.

Makes you crazy when you can't do anything about it. The worst is when you have feelings for another and don’t know if you should just let go. I'm so angry and sad

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RichardLover55]

My ex broke up with me twice before this and I am afraid that this time he won't come back. It's been two months since the breakup.

Makes you crazy when you can't do anything about it. The worst is when you have feelings for another and don’t know if you should just let go. I'm so angry and sad

I feel the same way, i love her so much. How did your ex come back ?

[Flightfar]

Both times he came back when I chased him. I sent messages about how much I love him etc. He came back and said he would never want to lose me again and that would be the worst mistake of his life and how no one else has ever cared so much about him. During those previous breakups, he also said everything about how I deserve better and how he’s just a sh*tty boyfriend. I also explained in my messages how this is not the case.

But I do not recommend chasing anyone because it's just desperate. And humiliating to you and that other person might just get pleasure from it. I felt so weak and desperate then because those breakups came out of the blue. I think things only get worse over time in relationship with BPD.

[RichardLover55]

Both times he came back when I chased him. I sent messages about how much I love him etc. He came back and said he would never want to lose me again and that would be the worst mistake of his life and how no one else has ever cared so much about him. During those previous breakups, he also said everything about how I deserve better and how he’s just a sh*tty boyfriend. I also explained in my messages how this is not the case.

But I do not recommend chasing anyone because it's just desperate. And humiliating to you and that other person might just get pleasure from it. I felt so weak and desperate then because those breakups came out of the blue. I think things only get worse over time in relationship with BPD.

Maybe she want me to chase her... But if I don't ? We had written to each other the next day but she had told me that she could no longer be with me etc. They come back even if you don't chase them ?

[Flightfar]

I think if you try to chase her then she will take advantage of that again in the future. She knows you're always there for her or something and she can do whatever she wants. And she would get satisfaction from it when you beg her back. Do you really want that? Give her that pleasure? To see you as weak and desperate? In my case, my ex took advantage of my dedication to him and the end result is here.

[RichardLover55]

I think if you try to chase her then she will take advantage of that again in the future. She knows you're always there for her or something and she can do whatever she wants. And she would get satisfaction from it when you beg her back. Do you really want that? Give her that pleasure? To see you as weak and desperate? In my case, my ex took advantage of my dedication to him and the end result is here.

If I don't chase her, do I risk losing her or will she be more interested? She seems very proud of character, For now, I'm trying to resist.

[Flightfar]

I think the best way to get their attention is when you do as they do, that is, you go on with your life and then she may freak out and notice what she has lost. In the meantime, think about what you really want from your life and what is good for you. By chasing her you may lose your self-esteem and I think your self-esteem is more important than losing her.

[Mutt]

Thank you, despite the problems that she had she told me so many beautiful things and I was convinced that she really felt love for me. I didn't think it would end like this, at school we were inseparable, as well as in life.

I really thought I found the right person, sure, she was jealous of so many things, she had all the problems that a bpd has.

During the quarantine we were constantly making video calls. I still can't believe you left me out of nowhere.

You had a relationship for several months, reflecting back do you feel like there was shift or change or that she might of stopped giving you less attention than she did at the beginning?

Do you think that this feels like a shift?

But I was convinced that with psychotherapy she would improve,

That would feel like a boost for most that are in this discussion.

How do you think I should behave in class? I'm panicking.

One by one. Step by step. There's lot of time from now until then.

[RichardLover55]

You had a relationship for several months, reflecting back do you feel like there was shift or change or that she might of stopped giving you less attention than she did at the beginning?

Do you think that this feels like a shift?
 

That would feel like a boost for most that are in this discussion.

One by one. Step by step. There's lot of time from now until then.

I saw it as a change, slowly began to give me less importance. Over time she became another, when she left me she was very cold. But during quarantine we were always making video calls and it filled me with attention. Despite everything I didn't expect her to leave me, honestly it's crazy. She was jealous of me, we made future plans. I know it's a classic from what I read, but I wonder how that's possible.

[Mutt]

There's different stages of a r/s at the beginning you have the honeymoon phase period where everything is new and exciting you have elated feelings about your new partner.

It feels amazing and it can feel confusing when you find yourself in the next stage when reality starts to set in. In the beginning everything is perfect and exciting with your new partner, you want to spend as much time as possible together, there's no conflict it's all love and romance then you start to slowly see the imperfections in the other person as reality sets in.

I'm not saying that she's seeing an attribute in you right now that is a deal breaker and that is the reason why she's being distant. What I am saying is that reality has probably set in for both of you and you have to think about where you want to go with this, perhaps she's thinking about just that - where do I go from here? Maybe she has similar feelings like you, she could be feeling conflict.

What I'm saying is that it could be not necessarily because of you it could be because she is finding herself in the next phase - when things are starting to become real.

[RichardLover55]

There's different stages of a r/s at the beginning you have the honeymoon phase period where everything is new and exciting you have elated feelings about your new partner.

It feels amazing and it can feel confusing when you find yourself in the next stage when reality starts to set in. In the beginning everything is perfect and exciting with your new partner, you want to spend as much time as possible together, there's no conflict it's all love and romance then you start to slowly see the imperfections in the other person as reality sets in.

I'm not saying that she's seeing an attribute in you right now that is a deal breaker and that is the reason why she's being distant. What I am saying is that reality has probably set in for both of you and you have to think about where you want to go with this, perhaps she's thinking about just that - where do I go from here? Maybe she has similar feelings like you, she could be feeling conflict.

What I'm saying is that it could be not necessarily because of you it could be because she is finding herself in the next phase - when things are starting to become real.

Its a bad thing ?

[RichardLover55]

You're probably right, I just want to be close to her, but she chose to drive me away. I think she's confused too, but when I look at all our photos I see her happy. Let's say that at the beginning of our relationship I saw her strange, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong. Then things got "stabilized" until the sudden end.

[Mutt]

Its a bad thing ?

Not always it depends on what you're both looking for. It sounds like you're ready for the next stage and she may need more time or she might want something different. I think that you're handling it good you're looking for advice which is good and you're giving her space which is also good. Someone else said that she's being passive but it shows emotions as well even if she is not being direct - you said that she was cold but if you check closer she would not behave that way if she had zero feelings - she would just be cold the whole time. She has feelings - that's another plus.

You're probably right, I just want to be close to her, but she chose to drive me away.

Just give it time.

Let's say that at the beginning of our relationship I saw her strange, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong.

Is that so? Tell me more.

[RichardLover55]

Not always it depends on what you're both looking for. It sounds like you're ready for the next stage and she may need more time or she might want something different. I think that you're handling it good you're looking for advice which is good and you're giving her space which is also good. Someone else said that she's being passive but it shows emotions as well even if she is not being direct - you said that she was cold but if you check closer she would behave that way if she had zero feelings. That's another plus.

Just give it time.

When she left me she started crying and said she didn't want to hurt me, at that point I didn't understand where the truth was. I am convinced that she was really in love with me, then something changed suddenly. Unfortunately it's hard to understand what went through her head, she was convinced that if she didn't leave me, I'd be the one to do it. The "I don't love you anymore" seems like an excuse to hurt me and get away, in fact she didn't give me a way to talk about it, she closed all the doors in a second. She was happy that I had been promoted to school too but she kept me at a distance in the messages, I apologized for my father's insults, but since then I have not heard from her again.

[RichardLover55]

Practically from the first days we dated I realized that it was strange, that she had problems you could see, did not always keep the mask of that strong and rebellious. I saw almost immediatly many red flags that scare me, she also changed her expression when she had inner crises. She confessed to me that she had panic attacks, she had a huge fear of being abandoned, she told me "don't leave me I wouldn't stand it."  She scared me because I felt all the anger, but I was falling in love and I decided to stay by her side. I always perceived two people, the dark side and the sweet girl, then there was the passionate side where she became sure of herself, in short, so many personalities in one person... I tried several times to convince her to go for analysis, but in the end she never went there. There were days that told me that she was feel better, others where she fell into tears, feelings of emptiness and impotence. According to her, the trauma was the divorce of her parents, her father in particular.

[Mutt]

A part of this probably feels like you’re on an emotional roller coaster. On the one hand you had a magnetic pull with the romantic r/s and then a push with getting the cold shoulder. This has to be challenging. I also wanted to ask if you’re feeling conflicted.

You want her back and you saw red flags and you want her to get help because there are quirks and habits that could use some tweaking. Do you feel conflicted? Is there are part of you that’s saying that there could be problems in the long term?

[RichardLover55]

A part of this probably feels like you’re on an emotional roller coaster. On the one hand you had a magnetic pull with the romantic r/s and then a push with getting the cold shoulder. This has to be challenging. I also wanted to ask if you’re feeling conflicted.

You want her back and you saw red flags and you want her to get help because there are quirks and habits that could use some tweaking. Do you feel conflicted? Is there are part of you that’s saying that there could be problems in the long term?

I'm ready, I wasn't afraid to face hard times. She told me that I had a positive influence on her and I am convinced of it, unfortunately for now the disorder has prevailed. I had no problem staying close to her in difficult times, the thing that hurt me was the coldness and suddenness with which she broke with me.

[RichardLover55]

In your opinion, the best thing is not to chese her for now ? From what I understand from her social media states, she likes to be chased. Maybe i'm wrong, i really don't know, she still mirroring me. For exemple when i change my whatsapp profile image, she does the same thing.

[RichardLover55]

I think if you try to chase her then she will take advantage of that again in the future. She knows you're always there for her or something and she can do whatever she wants. And she would get satisfaction from it when you beg her back. Do you really want that? Give her that pleasure? To see you as weak and desperate? In my case, my ex took advantage of my dedication to him and the end result is here.

I'm feeling so bad, today i was full of rage and sandness !

[Flightfar]

Anything new? It's okay to be full of emotions :/

[RichardLover55]

Anything new? It's okay to be full of emotions :/

She began commenting on the posts of a 46-year-old classmate. And he comments on some of her posts, nothing important but it made me feel bad. She's looking for attention from other people, it's not good I guess. The other day I saw her from afar, she was with her usual friend. In any case, she shared a song that says these words and she wrote it in the ig story : "I need to lose you to come looking for you, even if you are distant, even for one night". Maybe she was referring to me or maybe she wasn't. I'm not ready to be in class for a year, it's just over a month until we start school. I just feel bad at the thought, I don't really know how to do...

[Abazaba]

My personal experience (currently in a semi-break up situation that hardly even makes sense to me) - is that the more you chase, the worse it gets. At least that's how my (maybe ex?) fiance reacts. The more I texted and apologized, the more of an intense verbal assault and absolute monstrous backlash I faced. It just made things worse.

Now, I'm not texting or calling at all. It's incredibly hard - nearly impossible at times - and I don't even know if it will work or help at all - I am just doing what I can, which is the opposite of what I already tried that failed.

Good luck - I know this is insanely painful .

[RichardLover55]

My personal experience (currently in a semi-break up situation that hardly even makes sense to me) - is that the more you chase, the worse it gets. At least that's how my (maybe ex?) fiance reacts. The more I texted and apologized, the more of an intense verbal assault and absolute monstrous backlash I faced. It just made things worse.

Now, I'm not texting or calling at all. It's incredibly hard - nearly impossible at times - and I don't even know if it will work or help at all - I am just doing what I can, which is the opposite of what I already tried that failed.

Good luck - I know this is insanely painful .

Thank you ! I haven't written to her since June 20, I'm sick and I miss her so much. Unfortunately I have constant thinking. How long do these behaviors usually last ?

[Abazaba]

It’s been about that long for me too! I am so sorry - I feel your pain.

I do think it varies a LOT for different people. For me, I’ve had him totally disappear on me twice before. The first time, he disappeared for 7 months. I’m talking everything was fine, and we had a small disagreement. In fact, he did it 4 days before my dad died, and he knew my dad was on his deathbed. He got upset because I didn’t pay close enough attention to a story he was telling (I was taking care of my dad around the clock, and was totally sleep deprived). He blocked me and it was like I never existed.

 The second time, it was again very abrupt and lasted about 3-4 months before I heard from him again. That time, we attended an event. Leaving the parking lot from the event, he scraped his car on the sidewalk. He went off on me, blaming me for the damage to his car since I found the event and it was “my fault” he had to exit that parking lot. He came back super apologetic about 3-4 months later.

[RichardLover55]

It’s been about that long for me too! I am so sorry - I feel your pain.

I do think it varies a LOT for different people. For me, I’ve had him totally disappear on me twice before. The first time, he disappeared for 7 months. I’m talking everything was fine, and we had a small disagreement. In fact, he did it 4 days before my dad died, and he knew my dad was on his deathbed. He got upset because I didn’t pay close enough attention to a story he was telling (I was taking care of my dad around the clock, and was totally sleep deprived). He blocked me and it was like I never existed.


 The second time, it was again very abrupt and lasted about 3-4 months before I heard from him again. That time, we attended an event. Leaving the parking lot from the event, he scraped his car on the sidewalk. He went off on me, blaming me for the damage to his car since I found the event and it was “my fault” he had to exit that parking lot. He came back super apologetic about 3-4 months later.

I'm going to see her again in September because we're in the same class at school. I can hope she'll come back sooner ? Or she's going to completely ignore me. This is the first time in eight months that she left me

[Flightfar]

I can’t even imagine how much harder it will be for you when you have to see her soon.

[RichardLover55]

I can’t even imagine how much harder it will be for you when you have to see her soon.

I had thought about changing schools, I'm too sick and I'm afraid I won't resist and therefore jeopardize the school year.

[Abazaba]

Honestly it’s very likely that you’ll hear from her before September. I wouldn’t be surprised.

[RichardLover55]

Honestly it’s very likely that you’ll hear from her before September. I wouldn’t be surprised.

What makes you think ? I'm not an expert on this kind of relationship.

[RichardLover55]

I'm afraid she's gone forever.