She has removed all our photos from her facebook...

[RichardLover55]

Now that i think about it, she once told me that all her ex had run away from her, contradictory, no ? She said something different depending on the day, ironically she ran away from me, i don't.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

She still has negative feelings for you and doesn’t have the same negative feelings for her ex the more time that passes the more those negative feelings go away if you don’t initiate situations that would flame these negative feelings. If you flame these negative feelings your chances are lower and you’re going to have to work harder.

When positive feelings about you surface again and she starts to miss you and she’s no longer thinking negatively about you the higher your chances of getting back together.

[RichardLover55]

She still has negative feelings for you and doesn’t have the same negative feelings for her ex the more time that passes the more those negative feelings go away if you don’t initiate situations that would flame these negative feelings. If you flame these negative feelings your chances are lower and you’re going to have to work harder.

When positive feelings about you surface again and she starts to miss you and she’s no longer thinking negatively about you the higher your chances of getting back together.

I will try to be neutral then, I do not seek it and I will greet it normally. Hoping that sooner or later she'll write me a message. I think she was really happy with me, I saw it in her in eyes, I don't think you can fake a feeling. Then slowly those eyes went out, I could see that it was different in the face. Now I have one more month before I see her again.

[Flightfar]

So you sent her a message after your breakup and she still replied that she has no feelings? I don’t think chasing would have been helpful then.

It seems to me that my boyfriend has just gone further away from me when I have sent him messages if he wanted to be alone and he got anxious about them and those negative feelings about me have remained.

I've heard that some people with BPD change after a breakup, or they are no longer recognized as the same person. I don't know exactly why?

[Flightfar]

I know what you mean by that anxiety. I, too, am a really emotional person and these last two months have been quite a nightmare.

[RichardLover55]

So you sent her a message after your breakup and she still replied that she has no feelings? I don’t think chasing would have been helpful then.

It seems to me that my boyfriend has just gone further away from me when I have sent him messages if he wanted to be alone and he got anxious about them and those negative feelings about me have remained.

I've heard that some people with BPD change after a breakup, or they are no longer recognized as the same person. I don't know exactly why?

I stopped chasing her for that, unfortunately she was unrecognizable, she was no longer the person I had been with for eight months. I don't know if it's defense or who knows what, but she's totally changed.

[RichardLover55]

I know what you mean by that anxiety. I, too, am a really emotional person and these last two months have been quite a nightmare.

Today is one of those days that I'm worse, I have restless anxiety. I would like to do so much to change things but it would be counterproductive, So I have this feeling of helplessness mixed with sadness. I miss our complicity, her attentions to me.

[Flightfar]

During my relationship, I felt like my boyfriend had two different personalities. The one was very caring and loving, and the other was like some demon straight from hell. Now it feels as if the latter has taken complete power from him. It feels like I’m some random person to him. But it’s relief when you know it’s a mental disorder and these just belong in it. It can indeed be some defense mechanism, mirroring, projection or something like that, I don't know. I've read that after breakup, their masks seem to fall off. As if they had presented in relationship to something other than what they really are.

The sad truth is that we cannot influence their thoughts and feelings. We can only influence what we ourselves think about things. I know it's hard, it's still hard for me too...

[Flightfar]

And I mean by now, until those positive feelings about us come back.

[RichardLover55]

During my relationship, I felt like my boyfriend had two different personalities. The one was very caring and loving, and the other was like some demon straight from hell. Now it feels as if the latter has taken complete power from him. It feels like I’m some random person to him. But it’s relief when you know it’s a mental disorder and these just belong in it. It can indeed be some defense mechanism, mirroring, projection or something like that, I don't know. I've read that after breakup, their masks seem to fall off. As if they had presented in relationship to something other than what they really are.

The sad truth is that we cannot influence their thoughts and feelings. We can only influence what we ourselves think about things. I know it's hard, it's still hard for me too...

If they really loved us they should come back, at least I think so. I'm not an expert on the subject because it's my first relationship with a bpd, I'm relying on my feeling.

[RichardLover55]

And I mean by now, until those positive feelings about us come back.

I really hope so, I'd be the happiest guy in the world, but I don't want to delude myself. For now she ignores me as if I didn't exist and apparently she's "angry" with me.

[Flightfar]

Nor am I an expert on this subject, but I have read a lot about this topic, discussions, the experiences of others. It makes it a lot easier to know you are not alone with the matter and you know what it's about. Otherwise, I would not have survived this situation if I had not read any of this. I wouldn't be at all sane. I guess I would have lost it. Have you gathered a lot of information on the subject? It's totally worth it.

When that other one splits you black, she loses her feelings for you. But over time, those feelings should come back.

[RichardLover55]

Nor am I an expert on this subject, but I have read a lot about this topic, discussions, the experiences of others. It makes it a lot easier to know you are not alone with the matter and you know what it's about. Otherwise, I would not have survived this situation if I had not read any of this. I wouldn't be at all sane. I guess I would have lost it. Have you gathered a lot of information on the subject? It's totally worth it.

When that other one splits you black, she loses her feelings for you. But over time, those feelings should come back.

In your case, your ex's feelings came back without seeing you ? I'm afraid if they ever come back to my ex, it's only after we meet again.

[Flightfar]

I don't know if it matters much, but those positive feelings came back without seeing me. He came back saying he was afraid of losing me (although the irony is that he himself left me). It may indeed be that they are subconsciously testing you.

I also realized that BPD people are not usually alone for long periods. It may be that you were that favorite person for them and they start to miss your attention or something. They need someone to meet their needs.

[Flightfar]

This sounds like some cat and mouse play.

[RichardLover55]

I don't know if it matters much, but those positive feelings came back without seeing me. He came back saying he was afraid of losing me (although the irony is that he himself left me). It may indeed be that they are subconsciously testing you.

I also realized that BPD people are not usually alone for long periods. It may be that you were that favorite person for them and they start to miss your attention or something. They need someone to meet their needs.

As she left me out of nowhere she might as well come back out of nowhere, Mutt told me that the fact that she deleted our photos is positive, I hope she will contact me but to this day I don't think she will, I hope I'm wrong. After two months of silence, I'm afraid she's completely detached from me, being then an anxious fellow I immediately think of the worst. I'm also a romantic guy, I've told her a lot of good things, who knows if she's going to think about it.

[Flightfar]

Yeah, I agree. It's all about the moment and the way they feel so they can come back as if nothing had happened. You just have to give it time for those negative emotions to go away. Same goes for me. I am not a patient at all, I am not a person who enjoys insecurity and situations like this in general. But this is how this disorder just works...

Yeah indeed, if she had no feelings for you, she wouldn’t have deleted those pictures or anything. It is also true that BPD people tend not to think about their ex-partner and try to eliminate anything that reminds them of them. So only later can they realize what they have done.

[RichardLover55]

Yeah, I agree. It's all about the moment and the way they feel so they can come back as if nothing had happened. You just have to give it time for those negative emotions to go away. Same goes for me. I am not a patient at all, I am not a person who enjoys insecurity and situations like this in general. But this is how this disorder just works...

Yeah indeed, if she had no feelings for you, she wouldn’t have deleted those pictures or anything. It is also true that BPD people tend not to think about their ex-partner and try to eliminate anything that reminds them of them. So only later can they realize what they have done.

I also hate situations like this, inside my head I imagine her completely ignoring me in class and this hurts me a lot. I don't know how it's going to go, that's what I expect, I want to keep expectations low.

[Flightfar]

Let's hope that those negative feelings would gradually go away over the course of a month. If you want a relationship with a BPD person, you need to continue to prepare for these, because they may suddenly just break up with you impulsively... It must also be understood that it is not personal. :/

I have decided that I will give my ex one more chance, on the condition that he is seeking help. Otherwise I can't take this anymore.

[RichardLover55]

Let's hope that those negative feelings would gradually go away over the course of a month. If you want a relationship with a BPD person, you need to continue to prepare for these, because they may suddenly just break up with you impulsively... It must also be understood that it is not personal. :/

I have decided that I will give my ex one more chance, on the condition that he is seeking help. Otherwise I can't take this anymore.

For me, it's the first time in eight months that she's discarding me, if she comes back, I'm going to give her another chance, but she's going to have to be followed by a psychotherapist and I'd obviously be close to her. Otherwise things would never change.

[RichardLover55]

It occurred to me that she also told me that breaks are of no use and that I would be happy with another girl, she said that she was not the right one. And that at the time she saw me more as a friend, wtf ? A lot of crap, she wanted to drive me away in every way...

[Flightfar]

Very likely she didn’t mean them. My boyfriend also said those same things. It just belongs to this disorder that they want to push their loved ones away... :/ It sucks... When the relationship has been good, but suddenly this happens and you will be left wondering what happened and what went wrong... But at some point, they’ll pull you back...

I have had a very bad day today. Two months feels like a really long time...

[RichardLover55]

Very likely she didn’t mean them. My boyfriend also said those same things. It just belongs to this disorder that they want to push their loved ones away... :/ It sucks... When the relationship has been good, but suddenly this happens and you will be left wondering what happened and what went wrong... But at some point, they’ll pull you back...

I have had a very bad day today. Two months feels like a really long time...

Same thing for me, today was a hard day, I remembered the good memories and came back strong the pain mixed with nostalgia. If I put up stories on social media with songs that she had dedicated to me would be a good idea or is it better to stay away completely ?

[Flightfar]

Especially over the past week I have wanted to send a message to my ex. But then I started to think about whether it's really a good idea. I'm afraid the answer. I'm afraid if there will be an answer at all. It would hurt quite a bit if he ignored me more or would reply something very rude. Think carefully about whether you are really ready yet if you have to be rejected again. To be hurt again.

I myself have been thinking about my memories with my ex, and it hurts like hell just as he certainly do not think the same way. Their brains work differently...

[Flightfar]

But I don’t think the indirect message would be that bad? I mean those songs via social media. But about a direct message, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

[RichardLover55]

But I don’t think the indirect message would be that bad? I mean those songs via social media. But about a direct message, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

I'm only going to send her a direct message when she send me one, otherwise i won't. Because if she want to contact me, she know very well that she can reach me at any time, of course maybe she would like me to do it, that's my doubt.

[RichardLover55]

Especially over the past week I have wanted to send a message to my ex. But then I started to think about whether it's really a good idea. I'm afraid the answer. I'm afraid if there will be an answer at all. It would hurt quite a bit if he ignored me more or would reply something very rude. Think carefully about whether you are really ready yet if you have to be rejected again. To be hurt again.

I myself have been thinking about my memories with my ex, and it hurts like hell just as he certainly do not think the same way. Their brains work differently...

I'm don't want to be rejected again, i feel the same way as you !

[Mutt]

When that other one splits you black, she loses her feelings for you. But over time, those feelings should come back.

A pwBPD split people that they care most about.

I also hate situations like this, inside my head I imagine her completely ignoring me in class and this hurts me a lot.

The video from Sadghuru speaks to this. He uses the analogy in the video that you are producing horror movies and that they don't make money for the producer and that they're boring so produce something else like a thriller or comedy. To his other point - out mind can think of a thousand things that can go wrong and how many of these thoughts actually come to fruition. None of them do. As you pointed out and I'm like you I can think worst case scenario in a lot of different things but there's certain strategies that I've learned to catch myself in real time and one of those strategies is following Sadghuru's advice. When the person in the audience asked him how he should deal with fear and his response was are you in fear right now? Are we always in a fearful state? No, just be like that.

I understand that we fear that we're going to lose someone that we care about a lot that it makes it heard to think about anything else. That's why we have others here that help each other with our thoughts, that's why I'm here helping you because I've been there I still go through spotty moments with my current gf, these situations never end and I don't mean the frequency, just that we can't expect good situations with people that we're in r/s all of the time there will be some challenging situations it's how we handle it. The situations that you are thinking about is imagination, they're scenarios that you're playing out that are not based in reality and what are the chances that these scenarios will in fact happen?

What helps is to understand why she would ignore you. Some say that BPD is a shame based disorder. So if she ended the r/s with you like she did with all of the others from her accounts and she sees you and ignores you that could validate the fact to her that she cannot sustain an interpersonal r/s with someone and it would peculate feelings of shame because it would signify that she can't maintain a healthy r/s with someone. We have to seperate ourselves and our self worth from a dialog that is different than ours, there's a completely different dialog that's going on internally with her that is separate than your own.

Think carefully about whether you are really ready yet if you have to be rejected again. To be hurt again.

That’s a good point.

[RichardLover55]

A pwBPD split people that they care most about.

The video from Sadghuru speaks to this. He uses the analogy in the video that you are producing horror movies and that they don't make money for the producer and that they're boring so produce something else like a thriller or comedy. To his other point - out mind can think of a thousand things that can go wrong and how many of these thoughts actually come to fruition. None of them do. As you pointed out and I'm like you I can think worst case scenario in a lot of different things but there's certain strategies that I've learned to catch myself in real time and one of those strategies is following Sadghuru's advice. When the person in the audience asked him how he should deal with fear and his response was are you in fear right now? Are we always in a fearful state? No, just be like that.

I understand that we fear that we're going to lose someone that we care about a lot that it makes it heard to think about anything else. That's why we have others here that help each other with our thoughts, that's why I'm here helping you because I've been there I still go through spotty moments with my current gf, these situations never end and I don't mean the frequency, just that we can't expect good situations with people that we're in r/s all of the time there will be some challenging situations it's how we handle it. The situations that you are thinking about is imagination, they're scenarios that you're playing out that are not based in reality and what are the chances that these scenarios will in fact happen?

What helps is to understand why she would ignore you. Some say that BPD is a shame based disorder. So if she ended the r/s with you like she did with all of the others from her accounts and she sees you and ignores you that could validate the fact to her that she cannot sustain an interpersonal r/s with someone and it would peculate feelings of shame because it would signify that she can't maintain a healthy r/s with someone. We have to seperate ourselves and our self worth from a dialog that is different than ours, there's a completely different dialog that's going on internally with her that is separate than your own. My head is convinced that she is lost forever and it makes me very angry, this is my current state of mind. The idea of seeing her again sends me into a panic, because I'm still in love and I don't know how I'm going to react.

That’s a good point.

I think the best thing is to wait, if she refuse me again then it would be difficult to recover the relationship already more than it is already now. If she feel guilty, i have to give her time, right now I don't think she'll write to me a message. I think she see me as a bad person and probably spoke ill of me by making up lies about me. Yes, unfortunately I am paranoid, because being ignored makes me constantly think of the worst possible scenario.

[I Am Redeemed]

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