Just trying to figure it out...

[Sunandsand]

My husband is not diagnosed with BPD but as I have been reading (Stop Walking on Eggshells) I have a feeling that he is.
One example is his moods switch in an instant. I am learning a few of his triggers. Yesterday he exploded because something that he was trying to do, did not go exactly as he wanted it too. He got mad at me and started to be verbally abusive. I try to stay calm. at times I just give into him and agree that YES, it is all my fault, when I actually have no control over what he was trying to do. He orders me around, barks commands to me, tells me this is going to get ugly because I am not listening to him, so I give in as much as I can. When he settles down, he will apologize but I know that within a day or two, or even a moment or two, something else will happen and it starts all over again.
This is only one simple example of what happens.
The reading has been helpful and I am reading to book a second time. He has many of the traits that are discussed. Luckily is not suicidal now, he was much earlier in his life when he was dealing with addictions that are for the most part not an issue right now but I also worry about those.
He feels he needs help and will say that he wants to get some but he never does.
I love him and am worried for us.
Thank you,
sunandsand

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[pursuingJoy]

Hi, Sunandsand!  Welcome!

I can imagine you're worried. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot. What clued you in to BPD?

You're in the right place. Many of us here know exactly what it's like to be in your shoes. Read other people's threads and chime in, and make sure to check out the tools tab above.

What stands out to you in SWOE? Anything give you an AHA moment?

[Mutt]

Hi Sunandsand,

He has many of the traits that are discussed.

He has a lack of impulse control and emotional dysregulation from what you are sharing here with us.

Can you tell us more about the traits that you identified in SWOE?

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and I am glad that you decided to join us. You'll find many members here that can relate with you that can offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk.

[Sunandsand]

Thank you for your support.
We had a good day yesterday but part of that is because I chose not to talk about what was on my mind so that I did not trigger anything. I was just too tired to deal with any drama that he creates because he gets upset.
The problem is that I do not get my needs met. He does not let me say what I want to. All that matters is that he is happy. Dinner on the table and he gets to do the things he want to do, which is often just be on his computer playing his online Scrabble games. When those don't go well, he gets upset. I have to listen to the problems he has with those games, they are with people he doesn't know personally, they are just online opponents. I have to listen to that and he will not listen to me at all and I also choose not to say much to avoid any confrontation. Sometimes it is things that need to be taken care of about the house or a bill that needs to be dealt with.

Thank you for letting me rant.
I think I need to find someone, a therapist, to talk too.

sunandsand

[pursuingJoy]

sunandsand, thanks for sharing.

In my first marriage, I felt like I had to keep getting smaller and smaller to accommodate him. I had a nightmare one night about going into a dark room and turning on the light and realizing that he was this big presence who took up all of the space. In my case, the solution was twofold - find support and connection outside of him, and find the courage and energy to push back when he made me feel small.

I'd love to see you get your voice and space back. If you ever want to brainstorm ways to help you do that, give us an example or two to work with. Keep reading SWOE, check out a therapist, and keep us posted. 

[Sunandsand]

What you said is exactly how it feels at times. I am getting smaller and loosing myself. He tells me that every problem or argument we have is on me and my fault, even when he starts it and continues it for hours and sometimes days. I have started to think that it is me, even though I have never had the problems he tells me I have with anyone else in any type of relationship. Yes, I need help but I feel I need help dealing with him and our relationship. The other thing that I have done that I now realize is that I have isolated myself from my family (my sister) and friends. I have done this because over the past few years he complains about my family and friends. He will say they don't like him but he feels that no one likes him and that everyone is out to get him. Whenever I talk to my sister, he gets agitated and insists that she is filling my head with bad things about him when in reality we don't talk about him because I steer clear of doing that and we talk about other things, (our kids, who are all grown, our houses, etc.)

I do have to say that when things are good with us they are very good. He is loving and kind and we have some wonderful conversations about our life together but when he is 'off' it is miserable. When I say 'off' I mean when he gets into one of his moods that can be triggered by something I do or say but it can also be something that I have no idea about. He may just come home from work being that way.

Again, THANK YOU!