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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Learning after a breakup - true self and inner child work  (Read 2406 times)
JNChell
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« Reply #30 on: September 01, 2020, 04:50:54 PM »

https://bpdinformer.wordpress.com/2016/12/17/bpd-mirroring/
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JNChell
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« Reply #31 on: September 01, 2020, 04:58:31 PM »

Feeding a hungry child is primitive. A simple response. Validation is a step up from that. We’re not only feeding the belly, we’re feeding the mind. Does that make sense? Malnourishment can affect more than the belly. Know what I mean? Down the road, your SO’s brain, emotions and psychology may not be so well because of emotional neglect or other things during childhood. You know her best. What are your thoughts?

You’re not missing any point. I think that you have a pretty good understanding. Quite a realization, isn’t it?. Do not worry. Embrace your new knowledge and move forward with it at your own speed. Everything is going to be okay. You’ve made a huge discovery and should be proud of yourself. Look, we didn’t ask for this but we are strong enough to figure it out and make sure it doesn’t move forward.

Yep. The child is simply surviving. Depending on what you’ve experienced, it might not be surprising if you experience these feelings as an adult. I have and it’s been a chore to try to get past. All I can do is work on it.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2020, 05:11:36 PM by JNChell » Logged

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« Reply #32 on: September 01, 2020, 05:28:38 PM »

Guys, thanks so much for showing me all this. You are the best!

I just got so hooked up on this idea of mirroring and false self. I never actually understood what was said. I read the words, but I didn't understand it It's so hard to explain...

I just came across this article: https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/inquiring-trance/

I am not into religious stuff, but what she described about the false-self that is used to cover the shame, it just hit me like a brick to the face. I read all this stuff before, I thought I understood, but I didn't. I just did a small meditation-type-of-thing and just ruminated on this pause and acceptance, as contrasted to the endless pursuit of wanting more - even in self repair - knowing more, etc. it literally consumed my life for the last 20 years or more.

I just cannot understand how I could have spent so much time reading, talking, thinking, just to escape feelings. I am just speechless and am crying. And I am crying not because I consider this to be bad or wasted time. It's just pure compassion for myself...

But if my narcissistic wound required that mirroring, which I needed to look at my false self, to escape the reality of my own chronic shame, in how much of a deeper **** are the BPDs, if all they really are is being a mirror. My mind just cannot contemplate that suffering. I am starting to lose anger over the stuff that happened.
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JNChell
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« Reply #33 on: September 01, 2020, 05:40:38 PM »

Dude, Tara Brach is a good find.
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« Reply #34 on: September 01, 2020, 05:49:44 PM »

I’m not trying to cover you up, but the false self was taught to you. This is why our brains hurt. We have someone that we want to be, but somewhere along the way someone wouldn’t allow that because they needed you to step into a role where you supported them emotionally. What about your emotions, ya know?
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« Reply #35 on: September 01, 2020, 05:57:03 PM »

As your title states, the inner child stuff is the most important thing. Check out the PSI (parent, sibling, in-law) board. It might help you out.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #36 on: September 01, 2020, 06:02:24 PM »

I am starting to lose anger over the stuff that happened.

It may come back and probably count on it. It will be a ride. The tears are for you by you, congrats. This is what being kind and forgiving is about. Finally you heard you. This is the beginning of your journey. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #37 on: September 02, 2020, 05:00:48 AM »

I am starting to lose anger over the stuff that happened.

It may come back and probably count on it. It will be a ride. The tears are for you by you, congrats. This is what being kind and forgiving is about. Finally you heard you. This is the beginning of your journey. I wish you well, Peace

Haha, the anger came sooner than I thought. She asked for her stuff back and to organize how she'd get her things from my place, which is reasonable enough. But my anger started kicking in when I realized she's cold about the whole thing. Like I didn't exist, and like we didn't plan so much of our future together. It might be a face she's putting, or the effect of painting me black, but it really, really hurts.

And I am sad that I still need something from her. I want her to be sad, to grieve, to at least not be cold. It's controlling in that I really feel I need that from her. At least for now, I'll just make a strictly rational mental note of the fact that I need it from her, when I should be needing this from myself, that's the best I can do at the moment. Emotions are still too strong
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« Reply #38 on: September 02, 2020, 05:45:03 AM »

But my anger started kicking in when I realized she's cold about the whole thing.

Everybody grieves differently, so since she isnt doing this the way you believe she should, this is making you angry? It appears she is being reasonable, for now. Are you?

But my anger started kicking in when I realized she's cold about the whole thing. Like I didn't exist, and like we didn't plan so much of our future together.

Could this be your abandonment fear? The loss of an object, you once controlled?  The plans most likely would have changed, and there would be no happily ever after. Time to let go of this dream.

And I am sad that I still need something from her.

I dont believe its her, it could be any stand in right now. You still need much understanding from you. This road has just started, small achievements have been made, there is plenty left to do. None of this concerns her unless you believe it does. This is another lie you tell yourself.

that's the best I can do at the moment. Emotions are still too strong

Sounds as if it was done in a non hostile way. The actions matter at this point. The thoughts will be everywhere, count on it. This is what you have been avoiding, keep learning and investigating. Your doing better than some, and worse than others. Somewhere in the middle. I wish you well, Peace
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« Reply #39 on: September 02, 2020, 06:04:26 AM »

Could this be your abandonment fear? The loss of an object, you once controlled?  The plans most likely would have changed, and there would be no happily ever after. Time to let go of this dream.

Yes, yes it is. It is the abandoment fear. It has the quality of being primordial, of being impersonal almost, since it just as well could have been extended to a stand in if I think about it. It's like my r/s were always more about that fantasy than normal human connection.

But if I allow that line of thinking, my brain just automatically jumps to the conclusion: that it is my fault. That I **** up. I can't get over it.

But from the yesterday's meditation thing, I can't help at least feeling that it's all shame, shame, shame
« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 06:09:31 AM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #40 on: September 02, 2020, 06:51:49 AM »

I don't know if I did the right thing but...

On her way to pickup her stuff from my apartment, while I was at work, she asked if I wanted to have a ciggarette break with her. I don't really know why I said yes.

She drove up and we talked a bit. Immediately my inner narcissist wanted to either to talk about the r/s, or question her choices concerning whatever. But I said it to shut the **** up, and just listened to her trying my best to 1. be non jugmental 2. detach from any outcome. I must say this was strange. It seemed she is really on her own way, that really has nothing to do with me. I was kinda proud of her, the same way I am to an extend proud of myself. I found some respect for both of us in this situation.

Was I ok to be accept that invitation? I don't really know if I want to go n/c with her anymore. Up to now I see that me yapping about the n/c was in a way tied to my need to control the outcome, it wasn't genuine. What do you think?
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« Reply #41 on: September 02, 2020, 09:07:22 AM »

But if I allow that line of thinking, my brain just automatically jumps to the conclusion: that it is my fault. That I **** up. I can't get over it

It always has and will for some time. The length depends on you. You now see the crux of narcissism. This time you have a different understanding. Its untraveled/unknown(not good for narcs) and will create anxiety. The more you travel this road, the more comfortable you will become.

But from the yesterday's meditation thing, I can't help at least feeling that it's all shame, shame, shame

And as long as suicide doesnt creep in this is what the doctor ordered. On a conscious level you understand this to be false. Lean on this heavily for now, it will serve you well. I rolled in my shame till it couldnt do anything more to me. The sun still rose the next day, and then it set.

On her way to pickup her stuff from my apartment, while I was at work, she asked if I wanted to have a ciggarette break with her. I don't really know why I said yes.

Sometimes we need to touch the stove again, just to make sure its still hot...This would be the path of least resistance, the one you have always traveled. At least you do understand there is another path. The blinders are coming off, there is only so much you can ingest in a day. Be patient kind and forgiving to you. Maybe your still looking for answers form her. The ones that dont exists.

Was I ok to be accept that invitation?

Hell yes. especially the way you handled it, cuddos to you.

I don't really know if I want to go n/c with her anymore.

It may work as a temporary fix, or you just might be content, this is for you to decide. Its 2 completely different mind sets. For me one is freedom and the other is a useless struggle. But it doesnt matter what I see.

Up to now I see that me yapping about the n/c was in a way tied to my need to control the outcome, it wasn't genuine. What do you think?

Your need to control is genuine, and this is your issue. BPD demands to be controlled regardless of what it says. It will always be a one upmanship relationship. The illness dictates this, and this is what youre trying to fix. Good luck with this. You will find your way if you continue thinking this way. Its hard and you will falter, expect it. I wish you well, Peace



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« Reply #42 on: September 02, 2020, 12:58:26 PM »

It always has and will for some time. The length depends on you. You now see the crux of narcissism.

For now I have to simply be passive about this contact or no contact thing. I just cannot really reach any conclusions about it (and even this is causing me shame). I let it be, with no interfering for now whatsoever, and forgivness for myself if I make any mistakes. It might be malignant hope underneath it, but I think I have bigger fish to catch elsewhere for now, and that is by focusing on myself and the idea of narcissism.

I am watching this gentleman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziIrvAm6rJw

He talks a little too academically and some things just fly over my head, but at one point, he compared the narcissist as not having true relationships but instead taking snapshots of people. And instead of human relating they interact with "photos" of people, as props or objects in their own play. He also describes a moment of narcissistic panic, when these "photos" misbehave and the narcissist feels as though: photos from a photo album come alive and attack him, exposing his shame and shortcomings. Any thoughts?

While these things happened in my life to some extent before, I think I have never felt it more deeply than now: while disentangling from a failed relationship between my narcicissm and BPD. If the BPD really needed a taskmasker, it is only fitting that they come across me, whose false self is precisely that? The guy from the video says that this mortification of the narcissist is exactly what he needs, the false self is shattered and it is time to escape.

What I also find interesting is that he said that narcissist find home-makers and non-promiscuous women boring because they do not offer the potential for mortification. And I don't know how to say this, but this describes me to a T. It's almost like even my sexuality and what I thouht were simply sexual preferences were involved in this plot. Mind boggling...

On a lighter note, I want to ask fellow "narcissistically-wounded" folks, or people familiar with these problems, a more practical question. How do you deal with criticism and nagging? And while I understand and take full responsibility for being oversensitive, at the same time, I swear I choose the most nagging people as partners. Even now, my exBPD, while she was taking her stuff from my flat, she had to send me a text: "by the way, I had to tell you this, your toilet is a mess".

I mean, why would I even need to know that.  It's exactly what my mother would say... And while we were together, and even with former partners, this nagging thing would happen all the time, nothing was right after a time. I couldn't even slice cucumbers the right way evidently.

I thought of 3 possibilities:

1) I am too sensitive, narcisstically so, and am blind to their innocent remarks.
2) With a BPD it's like a play on the shame that she knows I feel towards my parents. Pure hostility then.
3) She is mirroring my own nagging nature (I am at times like that, yes) - which is something that I never trully thought of as an option.

I understand that in the end it has nothing to do with her as a person, just trying to dissect my own response to what I percieve as unjust or misused criticissm.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 01:16:06 PM by dindin » Logged
FindingMe2011
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« Reply #43 on: September 02, 2020, 03:05:03 PM »

photos from a photo album come alive and attack him, exposing his shame and shortcomings. Any thoughts?

Appears to be similar to objectification, with a paranoid twist. Maybe extreme narcissism ? Close to psychopathic ?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0

While these things happened in my life to some extent before, I think I have never felt it more deeply than now:

Because you have never sat with it, for this long. You could always muster a fix of some sort. So this is progress, further than ever before, congrats. This is a game of small victories. You eventually win the war.

while disentangling from a failed relationship between my narcicissm and BPD. If the BPD really needed a taskmasker, it is only fitting that they come across me, whose false self is precisely that? The guy from the video says that this mortification of the narcissist is exactly what he needs, the false self is shattered and it is time to escape.


BPD needs a host, and it doesnt matter who. The narc doesnt see through this until its to late, they are hooked. The dance begins...Its in this time of shatter, that the most growth can be achieved. Its the way the human mind is geared, respect it.

What I also find interesting is that he said that narcissist find home-makers and non-promiscuous women boring because they do not offer the potential for mortification. And I don't know how to say this, but this describes me to a T. It's almost like even my sexuality and what I thought were simply sexual preferences were involved in this plot. Mind boggling.

The electric charge I have felt my whole life replayed in a brutal way as an adult... Further evidence we are at the mercy of the subconscious. it fits


On a lighter note, I want to ask fellow "narcissistically-wounded" folks, or people familiar with these problems, a more practical question. How do you deal with criticism and nagging? And while I understand and take full responsibility for being oversensitive, at the same time, I swear I choose the most nagging people as partners. Even now, my exBPD, while she was taking her stuff from my flat, she had to send me a text: "by the way, I had to tell you this, your toilet is a mess".

Its hard to find folks that admit to it, even here unfortunately... Criticism mostly shows how the one giving it, has shortcomings and on full display if you listen correctly. Constructive criticism is where somebody actually asks for your input to solve an issue. Do you see the difference?  ...So many times i could say back to a person, from whatever they had to say. "Did this make you feel better" and laugh. Soon they will find others to criticize. They do it to make you feel as they do. Misery loves company...BPD would do this to feel needed by you and maybe help convince you, I suppose. Not hard to clean a toilet. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I mean, why would I even need to know that.  It's exactly what my mother would say..

You said it...We do seek out our mothers in romantic relationships. Maybe now this will change enough to have an amicable, reciprocating r/s.

I couldn't even slice cucumbers the right way evidently.


Thats the funniest thing I have heard all days, thanks...I remember not rinsing off dishes properly Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

1) I am too sensitive, narcisstically so, and am blind to their innocent remarks.
2) With a BPD it's like a play on the shame that she knows I feel towards my parents. Pure hostility then.
3) She is mirroring my own nagging nature (I am at times like that, yes) - which is something that I never trully thought of as an option.


You hit the trifecta, and you may add to this list some day. BPD doesnt understand anything, but the fact it works. They need you, more than you need them in the end. They are not whole with out you. You are whole but shattered without them.

, just trying to dissect my own response to what I percieve as unjust or misused criticissm.

What you perceive is black and white. Maybe there is no right and wrong, just different. We all should be in control of our own lives, to make decisions. Others dont have to agree, but at the very least respect them. I also have a choice to involve myself.

I understand that in the end it has nothing to do with her as a person,

Because it has everything to do with you as a person and what you truly want for yourself in the future. Not what you NEED today. It is a long game ...interesting and fun when you get the hang of it. I wish you well, Peace



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« Reply #44 on: September 02, 2020, 03:34:31 PM »

What you perceive is black and white. Maybe there is no right and wrong, just different. We all should be in control of our own lives, to make decisions. Others dont have to agree, but at the very least respect them. I also have a choice to involve myself.

It is black and white thinking I guess. I am just thinking about it. Trying to address it, as it has been a huge deal in my relationships and my own self-reflection.

The guy in the video I quoted had an interesting idea about us feeling hurt in general. That it is often forgotten that the response you have to being "hurt" is yours only. That it's narcissistic to assume that people have the same way of feeling as you do. So if I hurt you, and I am feeling bad because I feel guilty it is a response that I have of and to myself. A wall doesn't cry if you throw profanities at it. You know what I mean?

So it terms of criticism, if you're narcissistic, like I am, I assume everyone else has the same responses and directedness towards shame. While being criticized, justly or wrongly, my false-self is in grave danger which triggers shame. So I assume that the person is diabolical almost, because I am diabolical to myself and others.

I am so selfish that I refuse to let other reality-checking mechanisms to kick in. In reality, apart the introduction of toxic shame that I do myself, there are gradations of the situation that are much less threathening, from: he's just an incosiderate ***hole; he might be right; or he has inner processes that I simply cannot understand and have nothing to do with me.

What I am saying is, I cannot control if someone is an incosiderate ***hole, I cannot control someone's inner processes. The only thing I can actually do is control my own interpratation of someone's behaviour, reality check it with compassion and level-headedness. And it might mean I will say: "I don't give a ****", and just laught it off, or it might mean I will say: "I don't give a **** about being with someone whose internal processes, which are out of my control, make me suffer. Or it might say: I'll wait and see" Any thoughts?

PS. It is really weird you'd say that people don't really admit to having narcissistic tendencies or wounds here. I know I might be opinionated and looking for some validation, but it seems it's almost a prerequisite for being with a person with BPD. Or at least on the same spectrum as codependency.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 03:41:10 PM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #45 on: September 02, 2020, 05:17:54 PM »

It is black and white thinking I guess. I am just thinking about it. Trying to address it, as it has been a huge deal in my relationships and my own self-reflection.

Its not wise to use black and white thinking when self reflecting. Maybe ask this of yourself when reflecting. It will land you in the same spot. Another crux of narcissism it appears. This leaves no room for acceptance (of things we necessarily dont agree with) and this is one of the objectives, that apparently will never become achieved. Maybe a reason some never get there, interesting.

That it is often forgotten that the response you have to being "hurt" is yours only.

I would agree. I dont think people are born with a sense of hurt. It has to be experienced to know how to feel. In my case I dont remember 6 or so and younger. Something had to have happened or i wouldnt know how to feel this way...The subconscious knows the way. its buried there. Protected me then, destroying me now. Something had to give.

That it's narcissistic to assume that people have the same way of feeling as you do. So if I hurt you, and I am feeling bad because I feel guilty it is a response that I have of and to myself. A wall doesn't cry if you throw profanities at it. You know what I mean?

All people do this to some extent. Narcs just push the spectrum. Too much of anything is not good.

So it terms of criticism, if you're narcissistic, like I am, I assume everyone else has the same responses and directedness towards shame. While being criticized, justly or wrongly, my false-self is in grave danger which triggers shame. So I assume that the person is diabolical almost, because I am diabolical to myself and others.

Shame can also come in large or smaller doses. Youre attempting to protect yourself. it obviously appears diabolical to you. be easy on yourself, its not nearly this bad. you just see this right now, this should change...it all boils down to intimacy and abandonment for every human on earth.

I am so selfish that I refuse to let other reality-checking mechanisms to kick in.

No its more like youre attempting to protect yourself and your feeling shame for doing this. Right now you cant let other reality checking mechanisms kick in. You are now experiencing brain over load. Its alot to take in. Re read things you missed plenty and will see this. This will also change. They say habits take 30 days. Try it and see where you sit then.

"I don't give a **** about being with someone whose internal processes, which are out of my control, make me suffer.

I agree with all of them but this one. All is true but the suffering part. So I have to ask, a little suffering now or eternal suffering ? There is no right answer and the choice is yours. Maybe its time to give a PLEASE READ, just a little.

Or at least on the same spectrum as codependency.

It is and this is what you get on a free website... it was paramount for me, it somewhat started my journey. Maybe yours also. I wish you well, Peace

I think back now on how you described the visit from her. it was calculated to size you up, and by the snide remark, she believes she has you, again. Maybe a recycle is in order, your choice.







« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 05:35:46 PM by FindingMe2011 » Logged
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« Reply #46 on: September 03, 2020, 04:49:16 AM »

It is and this is what you get on a free website... it was paramount for me, it somewhat started my journey. Maybe yours also. I wish you well, Peace

I honestly think that my narcissistic traits are responsible for a lot of suffering I am experiencing. I remember I went to therapy complaining how dissatisfied I am with my job. I am never in a room of people that I want to be. Having dealt with this BPD breakup, I try to change my perspective on everything that is going on, just fake another view. The results are like a wave of emotions that has been allowed to make a mark on reality, in a way imbuing everyone else with a soul. (Sorry for being overly sentimental here)

For example, I just overheard one of my colleagues explain something to a new employee. I tried to pay close attention to my thought process. Somehow in my mind I made it all to be about me! A conversation that has absolutely zero to do with me in reality. "I could explain it better." "If you need to explain something, this says a lot about me -- that they didn't come to me for help!", "I remember when I was new, I knew this stuff" -> Which lead to shame being experienced. etc. It runs deeper than I thought... All about me, me, me. Then I just listened, and saw that exchange as two people being themselves, expressing themselves. I threw all judgment to a garbage bin, it was extremely hard, and I liked them more after that exchange. Don't know why.

I think back now on how you described the visit from her. it was calculated to size you up, and by the snide remark, she believes she has you, again. Maybe a recycle is in order, your choice.
Could anyone expand on this? What does it mean? Usually when things were this messy I reached out and was chasing people.
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« Reply #47 on: September 03, 2020, 01:41:18 PM »

I need some support. She was just here, to pick the rest of her stuff that she forgot yesterday. We had a little chat. I am really ashamed of myself, I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink, or if she misses me, or if she thinks this break up was a good idea. I'm just pathetic. I showed so much weakness, I just feel like all that I wrote here and told myself I felt up to this point was a charade, so I get moral points for seeing my wrongs, and she'd change her mind... It's just really bad. Of course she said no, and I still hope she reconsiders... Nothing's learnt, I just wasted another r/s

She was so composed and level-headed, unlike her completely, I'm starting to suspect she might have been misdiagnosed with BPD, and I'm the instigator here.

This right here is the pinnacle of shame
« Last Edit: September 03, 2020, 01:50:28 PM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #48 on: September 03, 2020, 03:37:10 PM »

Guys, you said time and time again that in a BPD r/s the other partner is universally a stand in for a punitive parent image. Have you ever seen this loyalty to the punitive parent actually play out in real life? What I mean by that, while being nasty to me during her BPD episodes, she repeated time and again that: she doesn't need another man like her father (who left her family when she was little due to his cheating) in her life.

And now, when she came to talk, she said she is going away for good, and that is... to live with her dad and start a life there. It's almost like her loyalty just switched, from that to a romantic partner, to that of a punitive, outcast parent, which she claimed she hated while being with me. It's almost archetypal, or am I just seeing things...
« Last Edit: September 03, 2020, 03:46:42 PM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #49 on: September 03, 2020, 09:01:37 PM »

Don’t feel ashamed. After the final breakup with S5’s mom, I asked her if I could take her and our Son to lunch. She agreed. We ended up having sex after. The next time that I saw her she said very hurtful things right in front of our Son. I felt very ashamed when I left with S5 that day. Her rage and her words were a trip back to childhood emotionally. I didn’t know that then.

It’s hard, but try not to dig too deep. Some people lack empathy and remorse. They just can’t feel it. It doesn’t cause a spark in their brains. That’s why we can be a sobbing mess, and the other person can be straight faced and even smiling.

I understand the shame. Go easy on yourself.

Also, have you looked up the term “splitting”?
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« Reply #50 on: September 03, 2020, 11:55:19 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340822.msg13055629#msg13055629

Play it loud or turn it off.
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« Reply #51 on: September 04, 2020, 03:33:35 AM »


Thanks for kind words. I'm sorry you went through this. I understand that digging too deep is a wrong move, but emotionally I'm at a complete loss. This was the most empathetic person I ever knew, at least I thought so, and when I simply openend up about her disappearing like that, from one day to another, that it felt like a loss I have never experienced, it was so sudden, as if someone was killed or never returned home. She simply said: "Well that's breakups for you".

I know she might be grieving differently, I get it. But it's like no other break-up I have ever experienced, like a UFO has abducted a person I thought I knew. It's a mourning of my sense of reality to a point.

PS. The link you posted doesn't work Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: September 04, 2020, 03:47:14 AM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #52 on: September 04, 2020, 05:51:41 AM »

she repeated time and again that: she doesn't need another man like her father (who left her family when she was little due to his cheating) in her life.

This would most likely be the story she was told, regardless of the circumstances. Its very common for the one not there, to receive all the blame. They could have only been 50 % of the problem, no?

And now, when she came to talk, she said she is going away for good, and that is... to live with her dad and start a life there.

This will be her primary attachment for now and this will change. Maybe things will change but most likely not. One day you will be able to wish her the best, but first you must let go. its best for all.

I need some support. She was just here, to pick the rest of her stuff that she forgot yesterday.

This was planned

We had a little chat. I am really ashamed of myself, I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink, or if she misses me, or if she thinks this break up was a good idea. I'm just pathetic. I showed so much weakness,

Not pathetic, just trying to cure a narcissistic injury the easy way. She also knows youre a potential host for now. She will contact from time to time.

I just feel like all that I wrote here and told myself I felt up to this point was a charade, so I get moral points for seeing my wrongs, and she'd change her mind... It's just really bad.

This is also part of the process. it appears the r/s isnt available for now. Detachment is in order, no?

She was so composed and level-headed, unlike her completely,

Maybe its her father, or another attachment she is mirroring. Just as the illness dictates.

It's a mourning of my sense of reality to a point.

Because a lot of it was fantasy.

I try to change my perspective on everything that is going on, just fake another view.

As long as you are faking healthier positions on things, its not faking, its putting in hard work. Because it is.

Of course she said no, and I still hope she reconsiders... Nothing's learnt, I just wasted another r/s

Plenty has been learned, its just most cant stick. Its the process and the crux of narcissism. Its a narrow view with not many options. Yet there are plenty of options. Hopefully you reach for the healthier options. I wish you well, Peace





 
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« Reply #53 on: September 04, 2020, 06:53:21 AM »

Plenty has been learned, its just most cant stick. Its the process and the crux of narcissism. Its a narrow view with not many options. Yet there are plenty of options. Hopefully you reach for the healthier options. I wish you well, Peace

Thanks a lot for you support!

I'm a bit more level-headed today. The shame doesn't sting as much. I think I need to give myself a break. It seems to me, I've been dealing with forces that I had no buisness trying to control or even understand. I need to garner some sympathy for myself in this defeat. Much healthier people have been through this and ended up feeling just as devastated. I just thought I am stronger than this primodial dance, which was a huge illusion fed on extreme neediness and shame.

I'll try to keep on faking a new way of interacting and detachment, if only for the fact that the previous ways are completely maldaptive. I am so tired of every little aspect of my life being completely overridden by shame and fear, this is no way to live
« Last Edit: September 04, 2020, 07:00:42 AM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #54 on: September 04, 2020, 08:42:11 AM »

She just wrote me a text about if I want to adopt her pet. I already told her no to that. So what gives? Why the communication? Is she just as bad about getting that supply as I am, and it's all a game? Or am I reading too much into stuff?
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« Reply #55 on: September 04, 2020, 10:19:48 AM »

She just wrote me a text about if I want to adopt her pet. I already told her no to that. So what gives? Why the communication? Is she just as bad about getting that supply as I am, and it's all a game? Or am I reading too much into stuff?

Let's say it is indeed a game, it doesn't matter anyway because that “relationship” is over no matter what and deep down you know it, you only have to accept it at this point. I can see so much of myself in your rumination and obvious panic, if I read the first posts I wrote on this forum I just cringe. You know, pwBPDs, when they decide it’s over, it’s really over in their mind, they have this magic switch and it hurts because of this feeling we are now irrelevant, well it's not a feeling, we really are for them.
My ex was also behaved like a marketing agent when she discarded me, she even coldly asked all her gifts to be returned to her and returned mine (which I refused). This is classic BPD discard and you should try not to take it personally, most of us went through the exact same thing.
Maybe, it would be a good idea to start enforcing strict no contact at this point and to begin the detachment process which can take a long time and is a damn roller coaster ride, the sooner you start the better.
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« Reply #56 on: September 06, 2020, 02:11:49 PM »

Maybe, it would be a good idea to start enforcing strict no contact at this point and to begin the detachment process which can take a long time and is a damn roller coaster ride, the sooner you start the better.

I just cannot do it. I tried, I cannot go no-contact. I still check if there are new messages... I tired blocking or not using social media, only to unblock them the next day. And she sees that and asky why I'm back on social media, as if she is monitoring, what a stupid game that is, and it's entirely of my own will... As much as I can process this intellectually, secretly I am still hoping for a rebound. I don't go actively chasing it, I don't initiate contact, don't go responding beyond what is fair, but still I have a lot of hope that somehow it works out. But I really don't want to be waiting... I feel I can be stuck in this limbo and this can go on for months.

Deep down, I have this delusion. On one hand I know that things would not improve without us both doing substantial amount of work. And seeing that I cannot really count on that happening on her part, I am still wondering what would happen if I could handle things on my end with the full understanding of the disorder. I know this wouldn't be conventional love, but at least I could get the connection that I loved so much. It is a lot of wishful thinking, and minimizing what I could be getting out of life...

I can see I make some progress on how I operate, I am trying to understand what happened, and I am addressing my issues in therapy once a week, and self work every day, but this hope, just doesn't die. Any advice?
« Last Edit: September 06, 2020, 02:26:57 PM by dindin » Logged
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« Reply #57 on: September 06, 2020, 06:12:05 PM »

Ah my friend, you are so not leaving in reality. I am not blaming here, been there done that and understand the struggle. There is and was no real relationship with her but you will realise that soon enough during you healing process.
You really have to stop the social media thing as it will drive you crazy, as simple as that, especially when the full reality of the situation will strike you, you are running after a fantasy, that fantasy is not coming back, it's a one time thing. The end goal is to detach from her, does is sucks? Yeah, big time, but trust me there is no alternative.
I would like a recycle too, not to take her back but just to give my ego the satisfaction to say NO, it's not gonna happen though, she probably doesn't even remember who I am.
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« Reply #58 on: September 06, 2020, 06:32:50 PM »

I'm a bit more level-headed today. The shame doesn't sting as much.

Good for you and know this wont last. Savior these days, to remember when youre not. This is the root of your issues. Just thinking you have processed this and just getting over it, isnt going to cut it.

I think I need to give myself a break.

Another crux of your shortcomings. You dont know how and probably havent, genuinely. The order to the disorder. You will need to do this in order to find a little more peace.

I need to garner some sympathy for myself in this defeat.

If you dont you will look for this in another and it most likely wont end well. It takes time be patient with yourself. Keep reinforcing healthy thoughts. They deserve 50% of the time, to be fair with yourself.

It seems to me, I've been dealing with forces that I had no buisness trying to control or even understand.

You seem to be calling another human being "forces", maybe? Objectification?... If its the illness then yes you should understand...Then get to your shortcomings. This is where the healing is.

Much healthier people have been through this and ended up feeling just as devastated. I just thought I am stronger than this primodial dance, which was a huge illusion fed on extreme neediness and shame.

Is it possible they are not much healthier than you? Can you point to perfect mental health? ... So maybe youre not as strong as you thought (the illness knew this also) accept this with kindness and forgiveness towards yourself. Dont use this as a weapon against yourself. The shame creates neediness. It also creates the illusion you need to deal with this shame. This can be removed if it becomes a priority like other aspects of your life seem to get.

I'll try to keep on faking a new way of interacting and detachment,

This is very contradicting and isnt going to work so well. Interacting shouldnt include detachment. Detachment shouldnt include interacting. You really do need to make this executive decision. This isnt healthy for either one of you.

if only for the fact that the previous ways are completely maldaptive.

Youre really not that far from previous ways. The dance is still going, maybe just a different step or so.

I am so tired of every little aspect of my life being completely overridden by shame and fear, this is no way to live

This is because you are surviving not living. Surviving takes a lot of energy. Living creates energy.

She just wrote me a text about if I want to adopt her pet. I already told her no to that. So what gives? Why the communication?

Then dont reply. She already knew the answer. Healthy relationships have boundaries. Crossing boundaries shouldnt get rewarded, should they?...She is just seeing how available you are. The illness dictates this.

Is she just as bad about getting that supply as I am, and it's all a game? Or am I reading too much into stuff?

She is, but for different reasons I presume. Its the game and there are no winners.

I just cannot do it. I tried, I cannot go no-contact. I still check if there are new messages...

No boundaries for yourself, therefore none for others...Practice makes perfect. Time yourself each time...Make the periods longer, call this progress. it is. Go do something. Help a complete stranger you believe, is attempting to help themselves. Changing your thinking requires actions, not just thinking. Habits take 30 days or so. Do the work, it works.

I tired blocking or not using social media, only to unblock them the next day.

Go 2 days next time.

And she sees that and asky why I'm back on social media, as if she is monitoring, what a stupid game that is, and it's entirely of my own will...

She is monitoring, you will eventually have to let go, the illness wont. The best you will get is a retreat.

As much as I can process this intellectually, secretly I am still hoping for a rebound.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I feel I can be stuck in this limbo and this can go on for months.

It could go on for decades, it happens.

I can see I make some progress on how I operate, understanding of what happened, am addressing my issues by therapy once a week, and self work every day, but this hope, just doesn't die. Any advice?

More HOPE less UNCERTAINTY, More UNCERTAINTY less HOPE ...this is the crux and a hamster wheel of pain. Its how your geared for now. respect it and slowly change this it takes time. If you see progress then keep heading this way. Youre putting in the time and anything worth while takes time. Much like chopping wood, after work you have a pile. I wish you well, Peace



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« Reply #59 on: September 07, 2020, 02:40:54 AM »

You mention empathy. Do you feel like you received throughout the relationship? Did you feel like it was given to you when the relationship ended?
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