Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 26, 2020, 02:24:58 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Help for interacting with ex partner  (Read 221 times)
DollyD
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single/broken-up
Posts: 1


« on: September 13, 2020, 11:08:08 PM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)
First post....

I am seeking some support from people who have a loved one in their life who has BPD have suffered relentless abuse from them.

I have been seeing someone off and on for the past 2 years who I believe has very strong traits of BPD. However I am not a clinical psychologist so I am not qualified to make a diagnosis. Before I met him I had never heard of BPD, however he is obsessed with the disorder and claims his ex-wife has it, along with a string of other people he has fallen out with. He has diagnosed me with BPD. I have never told him that he displays traits as I don't think that would be helpful.

We have broken up and he switches between blocking me from every contact medium then appearing again some time later in I believe an attempt to reconcile but within 1-2 exchanges its all back on again. I just don;t know what to do and I also know that my responses aren't helping either of us. It is truly exhausting.

Most people (including a psychologist) tell me to just walk away and cut him from my life, and to be honest maybe that is best for both of us. However everyone else has turned their back on him, I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside but the intense emotional abuse is very damaging for me.

Any advise would be much appreciated.

DD



Logged
BuildingFromScratch
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 415


« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2020, 03:16:01 AM »

I mean, people with BPD play the victim a lot, and will guilt trip you into thinking they've been mistreated their whole life. Most likely he has been a large part of the cause of any dysfunction, abuse and abandonment. In fact he probably ghosted/devalued people and then blamed them for abandoning him. All the stuff you believed that he told you, you might want to re-evaluate because if you research the disorder and look at your own relationship with him, then you can realize that he is lying to himself and you constantly.

You can't save someone that won't save themselves, and a person with BPD will generally blame everyone but themselves, and will not admit they are wrong and change their life. You'd be basically putting your energy into a black hole. You'd also be being codependent, because you'd be trying to rescue or fix him, or at the very least you'd be allowing yourself to be abused so you can not be the bad girl who abandons him.

It's not wrong to protect yourself from abuse. If you want to interact with him, you will be putting up with abuse, you will have to be super mature and informed, take nothing personally, put up with constant abandonment/connection, basically you will have to be calm while he does his crazy stuff constantly.

I spent like 3-4 years post break up wanting to rescue her, but now I realize it's pointless, and it's not good for me to be around her anymore. I respect and care about myself too much now to put myself through that again.
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6065


« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2020, 03:12:06 PM »

Excerpt
now I realize it's pointless, and it's not good for me to be around her anymore. I respect and care about myself too much now to put myself through that again.

Nicely said, BuildingFromScratch!

Excerpt
everyone else has turned their back on him, I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside but the intense emotional abuse is very damaging for me.

Hey DollyD, Welcome!  It's no wonder that others have cast him aside, in order to protect themselves from abuse.   What keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  It could be codependency, as BFS suggests.  It also sounds like you could benefit from good boundaries  (see tools, above).  It's time to put yourself first, in my view.

LuckyJim

Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Tram

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Still Married
Posts: 17



« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2020, 02:43:38 AM »

[...] I just don;t know what to do [...]

Could you experiencing 'the F.O.G'?

[...] my responses aren't helping either of us. [...]

Could be... writing and reading here is not a bad start, I suppose...

[...] It is truly exhausting.[...]

Sounds like more 'F.O.G' to me...

[...] Most people [...] tell me to just walk away [...]

Sounds like you agree...

[...] I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside [...]

I wonder how you made the connection - "I'm wπalking away - therefore I'm casting him aside".
How about:
"
[...]the intense emotional abuse is very damaging for me.[...]
... I do not want to live that way and there is no good reason why I should.
Since boundaries are not being respected, walking away might be the only way to protect myself."

Reconsider your "O" = obligation.
Make sure your actions aren't driven by "F" = fear.
Logged
dindin
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
Posts: 128


« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2020, 03:34:12 AM »

I have been seeing someone off and on for the past 2 years who I believe has very strong traits of BPD.

What makes you believe that? Is it important for you to have a confirmation of a diagnosis? What for? What would it make you feel or think if he had it confirmed? What would you think if he hadn't?

However everyone else has turned their back on him, I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside

Why not? Surely if you had rotten food in your fridge you'd toss it out, right? Why is it different with people? What if the worst case scenario happens, and he is unable to cope without you, what does that have to do with you? Are you his keeper, is he a child? Do you feel your value as a person is linked to your "goodness"? Do you feel obligated to help others?
Do you magically-think that the goodness you give other people will one day be rewarded, by either someone else or yourself?

Is that a pattern in your life? How would you feel if the reverse was true, that your value as a person is linked to self-preservation and an ability to walk out on a whim? Would you consider that selfish? Why?
« Last Edit: October 05, 2020, 03:40:19 AM by dindin » Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!