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Author Topic: Terrible time with Live in GF...  (Read 2477 times)
cash05458
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« on: December 13, 2020, 08:06:00 PM »

Not sure where to start of course. Not even sure if my GF is BPD or BD. There is something very wrong tho...with her and myself certainly.

We have lived together for 6 years now. I love her very much. But she does have serious rage issues...when angry, she tells me I am the biggest piece of sh*t loser she has ever met...that she hates me (even to the point of adding...and when I tell you later I don't I will be lying)...

Over the last month I have watched as she quit her job in a very dramatic way...and fall into depression and our fights have gotten worse. The attacks have started again...as well as things I have seen before...super fast talking...sleeplessness, anxiety and panic attacks.  Crying over seemingly insignificant things.

A few days ago she again told me she no longer has feelings for me and they haven't been there for a long long time. That is hard to understand because she was saying just the opposite last week. She has always told me when calm she loves me deeply. She announced she had met a guy on facebook and has feelings for him, not me etc...and this fellow lives in England, 3000 miles away...they have been talking for a mere two weeks. She says she wants to fly to England to be with him.

I am sure you have heard this a thousand times but she tells me pretty much I am responsible for every single bad thing in our relationship. She half has me believing it to make up with her and calm her. Plus I am promising to change in many ways to get her back. I have no clue what I am doing to be honest.

At that, she got in her car and drove 250 miles down to Boston to be with her daughter. She has been there for 5 days. She texted me that she plans to return home tomorrow..but insists we are finished and she wants to be able to talk to this new facebook fellow here in the house as much as she wants. She wants to continue on with him here with me literally laying next to her in bed as she taps away on her damn phone. I asked her to cut things off with him for our sake...after all, you have spoken with him for two weeks adn this is facebook hon. She said "I can't do that to him"...This made me feel so bad about how she looks at me and our 6 years together.

I told her I couldn't stand for that...that if she wants to try to work things out with us...fine, come home please...but her staying here with me while she works out a new thing with some stranger would be humiliating for me and I won't allow. That if she couldn't not do that while here to either stay with her daughter or call a girlfriend to stay with for some time...she became enraged. I have no idea whether she is returning under those conditions tomorrow or not as she has contacted me since I told her that.

Not sure what I am even asking of you good folks...but I know I am torn between still loving her and wanting her...being so jealous of this new found clown...and also that the dynamic between us is wearing me down...I really have hardly any self esteem left...her rage attacks and behavior are killing me. Yet, here I am wanting to work it thru...

Even worse, this is embarrassing as I am in my mid 50's...I should know better.       
   
   
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cash05458
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« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2020, 08:08:46 PM »

So it has been quite a day. Woke up in morning to her texting...saying she loves me so much, realizes just how abusive and mean she has been etc...says she needs a little time to herself and asks also if she can pick some things up, not everything, just things up while she stays in Boston with a friend...needs to clear her head etc...asks if she can call in a awhile. Ok, I say.

As said above, she is in Boston, five hours away from our home.

I try to do some exercise to keep this depression  over all this from hopefully going too deep and around 12 oclock notice an email from her. It says "One hour away from home, coming to get some stuff"...then she calls...again, crying, saying she knows there is something wrong with her...but she can't help it...I am so sorry numerous times...I never ever want to hurt you...I am terrible to you...I love you so much...but need a few things to get by on...can you not be there as this is too painful to see how I hurt you..."

Ok, I say...and I then go over to a neighbors house...a very nice elderly couple who live next door and know a small bit of what is going on with us...of course you can stay here...thank you...

A few mintues later we hear a truck coming down the road...a uhaul...a big one...one of those larger ones...followed by a carload of people...

Three and  half hours later they truck and car finally leave...I go back home.

She has taken every single thing of hers...all clothes, art from walls, even the living room rug! I don't believe there is a single spoon of hers left in the place...and she took three of our cats with her...

She leaves a note on table that says "Sorry, I love you, will call"

I knew she was acting uber impulsively lately...but christ...
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cash05458
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« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2020, 08:11:22 PM »

sorry, had posted two above comments in the wrong group here...I am that confused...so moved to here which is the appropriate group...the two above posts were over two consecutive days...thanks!
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« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2020, 10:37:49 PM »

Welcome Cash!

Things right now seem so incredibly painful and confusing at the same time. I am so sorry you are going through this. You explain that you are feeling torn. You love her, but this relationship is draining you. I was head over heals in love with a BPD man who treated me horribly. To those who have never experienced a BPD relationship, this sounds crazy. We get it.

How did you come to the conclusion of BPD for her? And tell us, as you are feeling torn about what to do, what have been the positives of your relationship? (You listed a lot of negatives above).

Oh...and no blaming yourself for being in this situation based on how old you are. It’s got nothing to do with intelligence, it’s got to do with the fact that you fell in love. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2020, 06:35:37 AM »

Thanks for responding HB...it means a lot to me.

Well, as she won't see a psych I don't know for sure. But via all of my reading here and with other things...BPD seems the closest to describing her.


Th positives: well, when getting along she can be wonderful...very seemingly caring.

She is intelligent, which I find attractive and not in a "snobby" sense...

There are many things there that I can't pinpoint or put into words very well...maybe that is just being in love. I don't know.

I won't go into the negatives again...but the last few weeks  have been horrific.

I miss her...but am not missing her rages tho. That is for sure.

The cruelty she has shown lately is mindblowing...

after yesterday's insanity I found an email from her this morning..."you must know how much I love you. I hated every second of doing that. Call me if you would like...maybe next week I can come up.."


ah, no...not going to call.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2020, 11:01:42 AM »

Let me take a leap here, and ask...

When looking at the positives, is it less about what you specifically like about her and more about how she makes you FEEL? (When things are good).

The reason I ask, is that my expwBPD had some very positive characteristics, but it was his ability to make me feel amazing that hooked me like a drug.

I was chasing a FEELING, not necessarily a person.

It can feel so good to get emails like you got, that says she loves you. Do you feel strong enough to not answer when she calls?

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« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2020, 11:02:24 AM »

...and I say that because she will continue to contact you.
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cash05458
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« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2020, 01:18:22 PM »

HP...well, I think you are right...it's how she makes me feel when things are ok...

as for calling me...will be honest...not sure...

She also put me into a dangerous situation...she cleared our bank account out...we had 3 grand in there and I am unemployed now. We shared our car, she took that...so live way out in country...no way to even get a job without car...this is crazy...

I have a few things I can sell to get the cash up for some cheap, say 1500 dollar vehicle...but its going to be touch and go... and then find some close local meaningless job to get back on feet...

Yet she keeps writing...saying I love you so much...so sad I am hurting you...yet goes raging on in same direction...
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« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2020, 01:24:19 PM »

and yes...thinking it over...I feel good not even necessarily when things are "good" per se...but when it's "not bad" ...when it seems merely stable.
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B53
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« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2020, 06:15:21 PM »

Cash,
So sorry to hear your story.I find it especially hard with Covid and the holidays coming up. Age doesn’t matter, I’m in my sixties and so was my ex.  Can you reach out to family and friends? Try to be kind to yourself.

This is a good place, it has gotten me through the worst of it.
B53
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« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2020, 02:33:16 PM »

thank you B53...so kind of you...no, no family for holidays...isolated myself with her via friends...my mistake.

yesterday she told me she wants it completely done...no more contact at all...have been getting phone calls from her about how great this new friend on FB is...how deep they have become...tells me the idea of her and I working on things is "terrifying"...


I agreed to NC...this in between will kill me I know...just a tsunami of emotions...

I need to get angry...maybe not angry...but upset at how I am being  treated...grow a set...rather, till now have hoped she would see us differently...6 years living together is a long time...I need to let this go and want to...its masochistic to hold on...
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« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2020, 02:40:23 PM »

would also like to add: this is a woman who in rages will threaten to call police and make up false domestic abuse charges...yet here I am destroyed that we are over...I obviously need help.

thanks...
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B53
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« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2020, 08:51:40 PM »

I so sorry that you are in so much pain. I read that at first when you go through a break up with someone, you go through emotional withdrawal. It can be as painful as withdrawing from hard drugs. I’m not saying the pain will go right away, but the horrible pain will subside. Exercise is helpful, so try to keep it up.

Rubbing her new boyfriend in your face is cruel. The disorder is cruel. It may seem hard to believe, but she is really in a lot of pain. It might be helpful to read more about BPD. The one thing you will learn, is it’s really is not about you. You just end up being the target, like this new boyfriend and everyone after. Give yourself a break, be kind to yourself!

B53




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« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2020, 07:14:22 AM »

Thank you B53...yes, been reading many of the things here...and I know it isn't really about me...it sure feels like it...and what is going on seems so insane. I feel like if I had done something differently...or...well, you know...seeing her posts about heading off to england on facebook as well made me feel terrible. So I shut that off and will not reopen. She also told me that even the idea of working something out via us "terrifies" her...and then all about how wonderful this new person is and has opened her back up to life etc...stresses just how different he is than me...better...I think she  is so wrapped up in this facebook thing with a man she has never met (tho tells me they are calling now on phone constantly). Told her yesterday finally, I want no contact whatsoever as well from my side after she said she wanted that...its for the best...hope I can hold to that. And also hope today I can at least begin this recovery...I know it will take time...but I need to begin.   
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B53
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« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2020, 08:29:52 AM »

Cash
Stop beating yourself up. There is NOTHING you could have done to change this. Try to eat healthy, get enough sleep and exercise. I think if I had done those things sooner, I would have been able to process things better.

My BP was the hermit type, so he hasn’t moved on and doesn’t rub my nose into anything. It was hard enough, I can’t even imagine how incredibly painful that has to be. Do your best to not read about what she is doing and if you do, forgive yourself and try again. Remember she will turn on him, too.
B53
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cash05458
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« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2020, 09:36:31 AM »

B53...thank you...

yes, this is so rough to be honest...I "know" it wasn't only my fault...but "feel" otherwise of course. And xmas is coming...will be alone with this.

If she is in fact in a manic state...it should not matter to me...she is still responsible. Or that is what I am telling myself. I need this done...that terrifies me, but it terrifies me more to continue with her.

Two weeks ago we were here in our house spooning together...both telling one another how much we loved each other...now she is 250 miles away living in a roommate situation, smoking weed all the time, drinking wine...and talking to the guy in england on phone and online...he is buying her a ticket to go for a three month visit to see him...christ...knows this is killing me and actually very dangerous how she left me here with nothing, no car...money, anything after she drained bank account...and she doesnt care...she wants to charge forward with him no matter what happens to me...

even this new roommate...just met the guy...and tells me first night gets loaded and makes out with him...I mean, who does this? She is 59...

I at least have my setting up no contact just yesterday...I will do my best...but at least I took a step...yes, I need to take care of myself...get some exercise, walk the dog, clean the house abit so its not depressingly messy...so am trying...but god, this is so insane and hard...noone has ever done such a thing to me...so in shock its hard to find anger to protect...

this sounds terrible...but have given myself rule I wont contact...and I won't ...but find myself seeing she realizes our last 6 years and me are important and will see the light and suddenly write or call...thats so crazy...if my Dad were still alive he would tell me to grow a set...I need to end this entirely.

but yes, those feelings are running thru me  if only if I had done this or that...she announced yesterday she does not have any love at all for me, zero physical attraction...is in love with another man and he has everything I lack...its so pathetic that I feel this way B53... 
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B53
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« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2020, 09:33:55 PM »

Cash,
Actually, if you read about how a BPD loves, it is not actual love. They can't love. What they do is mirror the person they are with. It's an attachment disorder, you're just the host, they are sucking the life out of you. They idealize you, then when you get too close, they feel they are being engulfed and then, devalue you. She looks like an adult, but her emotional maturity is that of a young child. The hardest thing for me to get over, was admitting to myself, that he never really loved me, because it felt so real. I just kept telling myself, that it wasn't real, over and over. I started picturing him as a child in adult clothes, like Tom Hanks, at the end of the movie big. The reason they are so addicting is because they mirror you and they like everything you like. It seems like a match made in heaven.

Feel sorry for that poor guy. Wait until he finds out who she actually is. She will be back to you again and the cycle will go on and on. Without serious help, she will never get better. The good thing is , you will.
Try to find some peace.
B53


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cash05458
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« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2020, 07:28:14 AM »

B53...so kind of you...

wondering if this is common with BDP's...? to so quickly move her emotions entirely to another so quickly...she has never even met this man...it is online and on phone...three weeks ago we were living together, things seemed good tho she was in a depression...then this sudden catastrophic uprooting...and now he is her everything and she is planning to go to him in england for three months...this just seems crazy to me...B53, do you think is a common thing with BDP's?
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cash05458
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« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2020, 09:02:33 AM »

also...after reading many things here, I realize me letting her know I wanted her NOT to do this...NOT to go to england and asked her to srop this new man...that it is killing me...

I see from others, that was completely the incorrect tactic...then I feel even more guilty, more like it's my fault...

But it was hard not to tell her via what I am going thru since she did this 11 days ago now...the terrible thing is I want her back but KNOW that isn't ok...why can't I be like others who find out about a new person and say "that's it...you dont get to do that to me...we are done"?

still, am trying terribly hard to stick with no contact...and she seems to want that as well...energized I think by her excitement at her new thing...

that our 6 years together came down to her meeting a guy on facebook...has never met him, and it has become her brand new thing...makes me feel so worthless...
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B53
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« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2020, 06:50:38 PM »

Cash,
It very, very very common. If you start reading more post, you will find some that sound just like yours. Even though their BP cheated, they also want them back. It’s  like they have some strange hold on the NBP.
My ex didn’t cheat or go off with anyone because he is the hermit type, which isn’t as common.

Don’t beat yourself up, thinking that you could of said or done something different. You probably couldn’t do anything to stop it. It sounds like she was already talking to him before this happened.
These people are not mentally healthy and they do some crazy stuff.

When this doesn’t work out with him, she will come back to you. Just when you think everything is good, she will find someone else and do it to you again. It’s a continuous cycle. Happiness is not to be found with these people without professional help and you can’t force them to do it.

It’s too bad you can’t afford a therapist. You could check on line to see if there is a place that doesn’t charge.
Try to feel better.
B53
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« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2020, 11:12:44 PM »

What happened in your relationship is unfortunately extremely common with a BPD partner. It is rare when the BPD partner DOESN'T seek out attention from others. It has zero to do with you Cash. I know you might not believe that right now because of how painful and confusing this feels.

As B53 said above “when” this doesn’t work with this new guy. The new relationship will not make her happy either. This is because she isn’t able to have a stable relationship with anyone without long term treatment (and acceptance of the disorder). 

When she starts to devalue this new person she may attempt to get back together with you. So using this time to take a look at what happened and what you want is important. 

It will not always feel this painful. And you will get through this. I promise. We are here for you and we get it.
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« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2020, 01:16:31 PM »

thank you both B53 and HP...yes,I have read many of these stories here.  I have no plans for suicide, no worries...but pretty sure even if she believed (and no I would never threaten) that she won't change her direction...everything is about this new man, whom she has never met...

It's day three of NC...neither one of us...of course, I still keep thinking that she will see the light and understand doing this after 6 years living together is the wrong thing...but that isn't coming I believe.

But god, it is hitting me hard...I have never seen such cruelty...I tried every single option and angle with her to try via us..."No"...but "maybe down the line if my feelings ever change...first, I am going to my new love in England"...keeps saying sorry, but rages forward in this...it did hit me that this is totally out of my control...that seemed to slightly ease things mentally for me...slightly...just s overwhelmed...

had a odd dream last night...a single suitcase in a room...in a sterile room...and while I watch the suitcase turns white...and then I think too myself it is better white...woke up feeling some sense of safety...my interpretation is turning white is surrender...and surrender that I can't do anything seems safer than to continue hoping and wishing this wasn't really going on via what she is doing...

God, it's going to be some xmas...
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B53
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« Reply #22 on: December 21, 2020, 10:58:57 AM »

Cash,
With the COViD mutation in the UK, she might not be able to get in and if she does, she might not be able to get out.

Here thinking is very flawed, if she is going to another country to see someone she never met.

This time of year is difficult for a lot of people.
Take care,
B53
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« Reply #23 on: December 21, 2020, 12:33:39 PM »

Cash,

First and foremost, I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your situation, especially during the holiday season. You have nothing to be ashamed of at all.  This particular thing can happen to any adult no matter their age. . I've been through some similar things this year, and I'm in my mid 40's. My uBPD ex-g/f is in her mid 30's and is 8-1/2 years younger than me.

As many have already said, the behavior of your ex is pretty typical of BPD. They begin to devalue you, then they'll leave you at the drop of a hat. Most of the time, they're with someone shortly after, and in a lot of cases they have someone lined up before they even leave you. They act on impulse without thinking things through and are just looking for the quickest fix most of the time. In their mind, they believe that hooking up with the next person is going to solve all of their issues and become their savior. They are very empty inside.  One of the best BPD analogies I've learned on this forum is this: A pwBPD is like a bucket filled with holes. You can stand there and pour water into the bucket constantly, but you'll never be able to fill it it up. They act impulsively most of the time and rarely think things through before they do something. I believe they rarely think about the consequences of their actions and how they affect themselves and the people they're supposed to love.   Rest easier knowing that there's nothing you could have done to help your ex. She's the only one that can save herself. I didn't find this forum until roughly 2 months after the breakup with my ex. During those two months, I spent the entire time beating myself up wondering what I could have done different to help her and to save the relationship. Talking to others that have been through the same thing really helped get me thinking clearly (as well as seeing a therapist weekly).

As for me, I've known my uBPD ex-g/f for over 20 years and dated her for almost two years. We had talked marriage for about 5 months or so prior to the breakup. I really wanted to take that step with her but couldn't pull the trigger on an engagement due to her severe emotional issues. She often told me that she needed professional help, but never followed through. During the first 1/4 of our relationship, she sought help from a psychologist but quit treatment after 3-4 months and never returned.

Her issues got really bad 3-4 months before the breakup. I was always assured by her that her issues and behavior had nothing to do with me, but there was frequent push/pull behavior from her which affected my confidence in the relationship as did her reluctance to return to therapy. The last 6 days that we were together, she started devaluing me over the phone out of the blue and started lashing out at me by saying "I guess you just must want to spend the rest of your life alone. I don't think you even want a wife" because I hadn't asked her to marry me yet. Before we hung up, it was like she flipped a switch. She said, "Forget about what I said and don't lose any sleep over it. What I'm dealing with has little to nothing to do with you." The final days of the relationship were like a roller coaster. She would go from adoring me, holding my hand,  cuddling and kissing me to acting like I wasn't even there, or she didn't want me there at all.

She showed up at my house late one afternoon in April to visit. As she was leaving, she cornered me down in my garage (was hysterical and her crying was out of control) and asked me why I wouldn't propose to her and said "I love you so much and would do anything or go anywhere to be married to you. I want and need you so bad.  What is your problem and what are you afraid of?" I told her that her unwillingness to get professional help for her issues is what was holding me back, especially after reaching out multiple times saying that she needed help. After this she said, "I don't need help. Counselors don't work for me. I'm fine, and there is nothing wrong with me." She informed me that she was breaking up with me but to call her in a couple of days saying that she needed time to think. I emailed the next day and reinforced that I loved her, supported her, and was willing to stand by her if and when she wanted to get help. I also said getting married now wasn't going to fix the issues and would most likely complicate them further. I take it that she disagreed because she never responded. We talked on the phone a few days later, and I she devalued me and disrespected me like crazy for the first 30 minutes that I almost hung up on her. The last 90 minutes of the conversation went better, and we agreed we would try couple's counseling. I thought this might inspire her to seek individual counseling afterwards. We talked on and off for the next week or so, and I was still hopeful we could work things out. She sent me a text message in the middle of the night telling me that she missed me and loved me. We chatted over text for 20+ minutes and agreed to talk in the next day or two. Three or for days later, she sent me a text message to let me know that she'd been on a car date with another man and had a wonderful time. Turns out, it was the rebound guy
(the identical twin brother of her high school sweetheart) that she ran to right after she left her ex-husband and filed for divorce . She discarded this guy to start dating me, which I found out about 2 months into our relationship. When she told me about him during our relationship, she devalued him to me by saying he was an alcoholic with no job, no car, said their relationship was unhealthy, said he'd been in trouble with the law due to drunk driving,  and then criticized him for being like most guys for trying to get her to sleep with him. Of course she went to bed with him during their first go-around, and it takes two to make that happen. Now all of a sudden after our split, this guy is the best thing since sliced bread. She and I have some mutual friends, and all of her family still talks to me and treats me well. Some of them said she started hitting him up for marriage 3 months into the relationship (said he wasn't interested) then she approached him about just moving in with her and her children (he hasn't done that either based on what I've been told). She told me during our relationship that she would never "play house or shack up" with anyone prior to marriage due to religious beliefs and stated that it would set a terrible example for her kids. She's also considering giving up her lifelong religion for this guy. My guess is so she doesn't have to feel guilty about sleeping with him or allowing him to move in with her out of wedlock if he ever chooses to do that. This shows how impulsive that she is and that she just lives within the moment. In addition to this, she rarely finishes anything she starts, has significant debt, and has a difficult time holding down employment. She doesn't function well within a workplace with others, so she is self-employed and does odd jobs for people to try and make ends meet.

What B53 and some of the other said about your ex being back again someday is correct, so prepare yourself for this. Like they said, the bottom will blow out of that relationship eventually, and she'll look to you again or someone else.  The cycle will never end.  I stopped talking to my ex in early May, unfriended her from my social media, and went no contact.  In mid September and early October, I got some blips from her in social media through mutual friend's pages. She contacted me in October via text message trying to make small talk and said she'd like to return a household item I gave to her a year and a half earlier saying that she no longer needed it. If I didn't want it back, she stated that she wanted my permission to give it away. I replied back by simply saying, "No, it was a gift to you. Please give it away to someone." My therapist has advised no contact at all with her because it sends the wrong signal to the illness, but if any contact must be made to "keep it simple and show compassion from a distance."  A month after that happened, I got a brief in person visit from her while my child and I were outside playing basketball (ex's parents live next door to me). That was super awkward, and I only spoke a couple of sentences to her. Eventually she said she'd better go back next door and left. Last week, I received another social media blip from her on a mutual friend's page. That friend asked her social media friends to share their favorite memory her. My ex went below my comment (which she liked with a heart emoji) to the mutual friend and shared her favorite memory of our mutual friend. Me ex's favorite memory of our mutual friend was a memory that included me, my ex, and the mutual friend when we took care of my ex and her kids when she was sick for several days during out relationship. I just sat there and shook my head when I read that but did not respond to her. Every bit of this contact from her since September has come while my ex's rebound man is at work. This is how pwBDP operate, and I'm certain she was doing the same things with other men while we were together. She probably had this guy lined back up for round two before we ever split. Some think that if she's not getting what she wants out of this guy, there's a chance she's starting to devalue him and is checking on my availability and probably others as well.

Sorry my post is so long. I hope that some of what I've had to say helps you out. Even though our break up was 8 months ago, some days I still feel a great sense of loss for all the wonderful times she and I had together.  It still helps keep me on track by coming in here and sharing my experiences with others and also by reading what  have been through or are presently going through. I will be thinking about you and will be keeping track of your progress. There's always someone here that will listen when you need help. Best wishes.



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cash05458
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« Reply #24 on: December 21, 2020, 06:00:55 PM »

Brighter Future (and thank you B53)...gosh, so wonderful of you to take the time to write such a note to me...painful things tho to be sure and thank you from bottom of  my heart.

For me, after living with one another for 6 years...yes, this took me by surprise. I never ever saw her as a cheater or looking for other men...so this was new to me...but then again I saw so many other signs, her depressions...her heavy heavy rage attacks (she would always let me know that those NEVER had happened with anyone else...just me)...so I guess all in all it's not surprising...

I do think she has to line up another before leaving...she has been married 5 times...doesnt talk much about details...and I believe she is totally idealizing this fellow she has never met in england...I mean, tells me how incredible he is...and just how sickening I am to her (but she still loves me...just not like THAT...THAT sort of love is for him)...and prolly as he is just some lonely fellow on facebook  and on the phone (he hasnt had a relationship in over 20 years and lives with his 95 year old mother and 90 year old aunt) the fact that she actually HASN'T met him is  probably part of the draw if you know what I mean...he can be made to represent anything really...like a transparent thing to be filled in by her needs...his not having any physical presence yet prolly helps that. Certainly her hatred of me is driving her to idealize this avatar...

Today has been my best day since this started with her leaving two weeks ago...yes, still very hurt...but dont quite feel so overwhelmed (that can return I am sure)...it felt like a relief from the deep depression...the day started with me finally feeling (not just thinking) that I have done everything possible to save this thing...and at every step have been kicked in the face...and I also feel inside that looking at how this whole month has unfolded (beginning with her quitting her teaching job and accusing the school over many things on facebook and getting a no trespassing order from said school to her sudden move, to the announcement of a new boyfriend and how all of her feelings for me have been reversed...well, it hit me that there was really nothing at all I could have done to stop any of this. 

I hope I can keep both those feelings. I need to keep those feelings as they seem the key to not only surviving this chaos but for me to get back on my own feet and  find a different life.

My guess is this episode is going to end in one of two ways and it will be a real plane crash. Either she starts sleeping with this old man who is her new roommate and she just met and has been making out with then being upset with herself (they all are staying in house constantly smoking pot and drinking) and freaks out about that...or she actually makes it to england and gets all the way to cornwall to go live with this stranger she thinks she is in love with in his house and with his old Mom and pops there...

either way, I have no intention of being there to help her sort out the pieces of the wreckage...
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cash05458
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« Reply #25 on: December 21, 2020, 06:09:32 PM »

One thing I also realized...in our 6 years together...nov/dec have always been terrible with her...she never did this...but every holiday season involved constant rage attacks, and also a depression...even her quitting or getting fired from jobs (she has been thru 4 different schools in 6 years and they all end the same, in a very bad, chaotic manner)...strange I never noticed that until this all finally exploded...
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B53
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« Reply #26 on: December 21, 2020, 10:53:00 PM »

Cash,
Something may have happened to her in the past, during those months and it may be an unconscious  trigger. I don't have BPD and I often get sad near the holidays, due to unpleasant past memories.

I know that you are trying to sort all this out in your head, but what a BP does, often makes no sense. 

You probably don't realize this, but you are grieving, the same as if someone has died. Look up the stages of grieving and you might identify with the early stages and find ways to help you through it.

There is no right way to deal with the pain your feeling, you just have to keep searching and reaching out and you will eventually find a word here, a paragraph there or an article that gives you some relief. The one thing about hitting bottom, is the only place to go is up.

There are a lot of people here for you, who care.
B53

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cash05458
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« Reply #27 on: December 22, 2020, 12:17:26 AM »

B53 thank you...yes, I have thought about that..I know both of her parents were heroin addicts and her father died when she was 5...and then her Mother took off...she was brought up in different orphanages and foster homes...I also know that she was sexually abused when young...she certainly has had lots of trauma...and I tend to always play the caregiver/hero perhaps in these things...
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« Reply #28 on: December 22, 2020, 05:23:58 AM »

B53...yes, this really does feel like a death...I knew we had problems...but certainly not THIS...never ever saw it coming...it does feel like I am going thru her dying or something...feels as strange as if i found out she got in a car crash or something...almost trying to have to talk myself into being angry at her for this as I am just so overwhelmed...I mean, no true anger response I would normally feel when someone does something terrible and cruel to me...if that makes sense...
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« Reply #29 on: December 22, 2020, 08:36:20 AM »

Cash,
I understand  completely. It’s hard to get angry at someone when it’s not their fault they are such a mess and that makes it harder to let them go. The thing is, are you willing sacrifice your life, be a martyr? At some point you have to be held accountable for what you do to others. She is the only person who can change this. At some point you have to decide when enough is enough. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
B53
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