Is how you feel hurt how you are told you are acting? It's circular

[Navigator2]

I have not posted for a long time, my apologies.

I have so many questions to ask I had to pick the most important to ask first, it is this:
How do you stop the circular argument?

By circular argument I mean where you are accused of exactly how you are being treated and hurt.

I often feel attacked, like my opinions are all stupid or I cannot do anything right. However when I calmly ask why this is happening the answer is because I am perceived as doing the same attacking.

This is hugely perplexing, actually downright frustrating, because all my offenses get listed off and they match how I feel I am being mistreated.

Where do you even start to recover from this?

I am very thankful for this group where we can share how to cope with this stuff.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Navigator2,

How do you stop the circular argument?

It takes time and patience and work. I'm sure others will join and share but I think that you have to remain centered and that may trigger a pwBPD to try and test your boundaries but it will eventually taper off. What I mean is when you change your responses that the other person is not used to it will cause a reaction from them but there will be an event that is called an extinction burst.

You can't control what someone else does but you can control how you react and respond to it. JADE is something that we discuss on the boards - ( Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain ) a pwBPD are emotionally immature and have black and white thinking - they cannot process more complex feelings like ambiguity and simplified thinking helps them cope.

Engaging a pwBPD in more complex thoughts and feelings will cause you emotional distress. For example of my expwBPD has a particular thought belief that they are dead set against because they are emotionally immature then I cannot change that belief - let her believe what she wants to believe it does not  affect my truth or should I allow it to move me off of my center.

JADE is a simple belief don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Depending on the circumstances is it something that I have to justify myself with? Do I have to explain myself? If something demands a response then I will respond usually once and sometimes twice but I will never explain myself more than twice knowing what I know now. I recall have rows that lasted an hour an hour and a half I was left feeling, anxious, depressed, and emotionally distressed.

Here is a workshop on JADE: Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Here is a workshop on circular arguments: Stopping Circular Arguments