BP Mom inlaw and BP wife codependent holding on to our 10 month child.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

  I cannot face them alone. My family is telling me to return home. Japan's custody laws only allow sole custody.
If I fight for our child, I could still lose and my wife will hate me and never allow me to see my daughter again like she is right now.
If I don't fight I may never see my daughter again. Trying to stay in the relationship doesn't feel like an option when my wife is just selfish to the core, her mom supporting her because she has no friends and they have an unhealthy relationship which give my wife all kinds of power over people esp. me.
My family is worried about me and tonight is one of the those nights I really needed someone to talk to but the 5hr time difference makes it hard to find anyone that will pick up my phone call. I resorted to post here. Please if someone could relate or help please respond.

A family friend has told me her story and introduced me to the eggshell book. She's made the process a lot easier to understand. It has helped but according to the family friend, she says my situation is a lot crazier than her's. It is volatile.

And yes, typical BP story of being worshipped and a year into the marriage and symptoms go wild and due to a very nosy mom, and a bp wife who needs to run away from her wrong doing, right behind her mom, and her mom taking her side. It is impossible.

[AloneinJapan]

  I cannot face them alone. My family is telling me to return home. Japan's custody laws only allow sole custody.
If I fight for our child, I could still lose and my wife will hate me and never allow me to see my daughter again like she is right now.
If I don't fight I may never see my daughter again. Trying to stay in the relationship doesn't feel like an option when my wife is just selfish to the core, her mom supporting her because she has no friends and they have an unhealthy relationship which give my wife all kinds of power over people esp. me.
My family is worried about me and tonight is one of the those nights I really needed someone to talk to but the 5hr time difference makes it hard to find anyone that will pick up my phone call. I resorted to post here. Please if someone could relate or help please respond.

A family friend has told me her story and introduced me to the eggshell book. She's made the process a lot easier to understand. It has helped but according to the family friend, she says my situation is a lot crazier than her's. It is volatile.

And yes, typical BP story of being worshipped and a year into the marriage and symptoms go wild and due to a very nosy mom, and a bp wife who needs to run away from her wrong doing, right behind her mom, and her mom taking her side. It is impossible.

[AnuDay]

I have studied a bit of law fighting for custody. It's hard for me to give advice without knowing Japanese law. I can tell you from a natural law standpoint that you have to do what's in your heart. That's the only way that you'll ever feel right about things and be able to live with yourself...whether that involves going to court or taking time to build a stronger case... that's all up to you to decide.  Do you have any actual evidence? In the U.S. it is extremely hard for men to prevail in initial court proceedings as a sole custody provider especially absent any input from the child.

[AloneinJapan]

Thankyou Anuday, I appreciate the input even for the laws in the US. I'm getting advice from my family today (since they are up now). My uneasiness of the future and fear of taking the next step is just so hard for me. I don't want to divorce but the situation is so tough, I need to get out of the country.

I cannot face a family who uses my daughter as power over me and then expects me to make everything right by just apologizing for things I said, (which is to interpret anything I say to something a lot worse. The BPD trademark). I love my wife but the situation is worse than it's ever been. For a while, I was looking at marital advice to "save your marriage." Those are things to bring your wife to you. But I soon realized, I can't handle my wife AND mother inlaw who also has BPD. I'm not saying her mom moves in with us but my wife runs and hides behind her from our problems and has her mom blame me for what I said or did wrong. And then it wouldn't make sense to talk to her mother if the problem is between my wife and I because I married my wife, not her mother!
I just need to know if there's anyone out there that understands my pain. This truely feels like a checkmate. I get it, I need to focus on my next step and do what I can with whatever control I have over my own life. I'm also reading eggshells which helps a little, I'm only halfway through it.

[AnuDay]

No matter who you marry, you are going to have to deal with bad "in-laws".  This is a fact of life.  Sometimes wives pressure their husbands to let some of the in-laws move in.  I dealt with a situation similar to yours.  BPD doesn't seem to occur in healthy households so if your wife or mother in law is BPD there is a good chance something is wrong with someone else in the FOO...family of origin. 
If I could go back to my younger self I would've dealt with the in-laws a lot differently.  The in-laws have your wife's ultimate trust because she has known them a lot longer than she has known you.  If she is in her 20s it is natural for her to run to her mom when she feels hurt or threatened or needs emotional support.  That is actually normal.  It's also normal for her to complain about her mother to you.  It goes both ways.  I think in new marriages especially it is normal for a wife to be sandwhiched between her FOO and her new husband.  Without knowing any further details I would recommend that you try to understand the FOO more so that you can combat the issues...I think. 

[AloneinJapan]

Thank you Anuday
Things are just so bad with the mother inlaw involved and just add oil to the fire. They don't have a concept of boundaries and focus on the boundary I made is the blame for making everything so bad. At this point it's ridiculous. I just feel like this needs to end right away.

[AloneinJapan]

Anuday, When you say "understand the FOO." Her parents are in a co-dependent abusive relationship. My wife has been living with them for the most part of her life. She's only moved out for the Japanese Military camp a few times. And because of our child, her mom spoils her to stay at the house. My wife won't always wake up on time, esp before she was pregnant, to do morning chores. For a while, I just thought it was her mom because she is NPD. But because she does a lot of the house work for my wife, there is weight behind her complaints. But now because we have problems, her mom is working full force to be on the wife's side and always claiming to have a neutral stance on our problems. That cannot be trusted since first, she's had NPD, and second, she's the mother. Mother inlaw has no friends except talking about her problems with her younger brother and spending friendship time with my wife. So she doesn't exactly have a choice. She also gets very upset when my wife and I make plans without her. She hates that she has to be left out of it. Because of her NPD, she is never honest about anything. She is very smart about telling "the truth" so never about the wrongs she might be doing. She might tell her brother one thing and then tell me something different. The whole setup of my situation is wrong. Her grandparents, I heard from her grandmother that her husband hit her, giving her a black eye for trying to wake him. He was the head minister of a church so waking up was important.
What can you say about this? I just see it as a history of abuse in the family that's just been passed all the way down to my wife.

[AnuDay]

Yes, it sounds like a messed up family.  I was in a very very similar scenario.  I was lucky in that I was able to get out and still have joint custody of my children.  Unfortunately if you bail out your child will grow up in that messed up family.  Without you there to guide your child out of that mess your child will fall into the same cycle.
I wasn't the one who left in my case.  My ex left me for someone else so I didn't have a chance to really coordinate things, luckily the judge saw my side of things and I came out pretty well in court.  I was in your shoes,  I hated my in-laws, they were alcoholics, uneducated, always pulling my ex away, feeding her negative energy, telling her lies about me, spoiling my ex with gifts that I couldn't afford.  I could go on and on.  It ultimately contributed to the failure of the relationship, but it didn't help that I let it be known  to my in-laws that I did not like them.  If I could do it all again I would really try to pretend that I liked my in-laws.  I'm sure that you are a smart man, you have to learn how to make your in-laws happy and fake being nice.  You have a lot at stake.  I would not recommend that you take my path.  The in-laws will soon get old, die, have other grandchildren, nieces, nephews to take care of, etc.  The period when a child is a baby is so special to everyone that everyone acts different.  Wait until that child turns 8,9,10, things start to fade a bit.  Absent any evidence of physical abuse or infidelity I think you need to ride this out.  I know it's extremely tough, but the alternative is even tougher. 

[AloneinJapan]

AnuDay, it's not that I don't like her parents, which I do, but it's that they cannot be trusted. I tried the "act nice" and just get screwed over. Her mother takes it as a form of power and forces me to talk to her to communicate with my wife. And nothing positive gets out of it. I just tell her, "You can tell my wife to call me anytime." "Ride it out" hmmmm. It's so toxic I don't think that's an option. You may have had a better scenario where there was a "ride it out" option but every option my wife gives me is, "So you want divorce?" And they follow through with threats. There is a strict visitation policy where you can fine the person who has full custody when they don't follow through on an agreement. I don't know how much time I can ask for and I'm trying to figure out a way to get a visa to stay in Japan. I'm sure you're assuming I need to ride it out to keep the visa and to be with my daughter.

Are you still living in Japan? Joint Custody? I thought there was no such thing in Japan? Did you guys fight in an American court?