We had our "final" talk today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

well, for those who are listening...we had our "final" talk today...I told her I fully accepted we are over...she said she was relieved as she is so in love with her facebook friend of 4 weeks..who  knows, maybe it will work...its not my business now...but I accept we are really over. I need us to be over just like you do .


I asked to accept this as well and she accepted and wanted: we need to know this is done fore ever...we had our time and wish you well ,I really do...but I need you to never contact me about us or getting back together should feelings or situations change...I need to move on and I cant when I still have a small bit of hope...I want to live and not only survive but do better...please please never contact me again...


and she agreed...she seemed to mean it.

I feel sad now, but it's a different sorta sadness than the last three weeks and this is I hope my start to recover.

[cash05458]

well, for those who are listening...we had our "final" talk today...I told her I fully accepted we are over...she said she was relieved as she is so in love with her facebook friend of 4 weeks..who  knows, maybe it will work...its not my business now...but I accept we are really over. I need us to be over just like you do .


I asked to accept this as well and she accepted and wanted: we need to know this is done fore ever...we had our time and wish you well ,I really do...but I need you to never contact me about us or getting back together should feelings or situations change...I need to move on and I cant when I still have a small bit of hope...I want to live and not only survive but do better...please please never contact me again...


and she agreed...she seemed to mean it.

I feel sad now, but it's a different sorta sadness than the last three weeks and this is I hope my start to recover.

[cash05458]

and then it gets weirder...after our "adult " clousre talk and acceptance...and I was very honorable to her...a friend sends me a a link to a facebook post she wrote three days ago announcing to the world her new relationship and introducing to her (and my) friends and how she is moving to Cornwall England  to live foreever with her love and retire from the world until death...so much for adults and trying to end this with class...jesus christ...

[AnuDay]

I would say that you got out relatively cheap.  I say this with hesitation because obviously you are not yet over her, but I will tell you that she's playing a game, playing her friends, and playing you.  To the BPD life is a game and everyone in it ais their pawns.  She will just as easily and quickly use and destroy this new BF the same way that she did you...that is if he allows her.  Now, with you still being in love and damaged what I can tell you to do is wait until that relationship has faded and you can jump in and re-rescue her with a $500 plane ticket from England.  This will require you to totally go no contact though.  No contact with her friends either.  What I, and other people on this forum hope is that during this time of a no-contact that you develop some self-esteem and work on your codependency issues so that when she is ready to return to you that you will no longer be compatible or that you will have already moved on to a healthier relationship. Everything that glitters isn't gold.  Good luck to you.  It's a long journey.  Remember that you got out cheap this time.  You can read countless stories on this forum about how BPD's and Narcissists have destroyed people's lives.  Your recovery starts with awareness so you are truly in the very beginning stages.  I hope you keep making progress.  Find another hobby or interest to keep you occupied.

[cash05458]

AnuDay...thank you...well, it doesnt feel like I got off cheaply to be honest, but perhaps you are right...and at least there were no kids...she is literally on facebook love bombing this guy back and forth in public...pretty much every post...then crazy talk about moving to England foreever (he seems pretty deep into this as well)...I have to wonder what her friends think of all that...this is a stranger she began talking to on Dec. 5th...and they know we have been with one another for six years until this whole thing blew up...yes, I still have feelings but this is over for me...and as far as I am concerned if she gets stuck in england, she can swim home...I have never in my life seen a person completely change this way overnight...in all honesty this has been the worst three weeks of my life...there is just no way I can ever allow myself to deal with this person again...she tells me she has "never been as close to any man in her life and all men pale in comparison"...that includes me obviously...  this after telling me the very same thing for last six years...and my neighbors even knew she declared a new relationship with her new great love on facebook (as she has friended them all) before I knew and I dont think she was even going to tell me...

So, no, she can swim home...I have had enough and simply am tired of caring for her well being...been kicked so many times in the teeth these last three weeks...humiliated in public...everything...I want only now to care for myself and work on me...actually, if anything, I left our relationship feeling like a fool...

[AnuDay]

Look up some of the old posts from Turk. 
Look at my original post.
Your story is not unique. 
One day all of a sudden, a switch goes off and they change. 
Usually when you stop becoming a source of validation.  That is, when you can not fill their bottomless void anymore.   
Yes, some magical man or woman that they just met will be the love of their life...instantly.  I've seen it first hand, been through the public and facebook humiliation.  I unfriended a lot of people.  These are tough times for you, but you will see who truly has your back and you will come out on the other side stronger and ready to face the next chapter of your life. 

[cash05458]

AnuDay...thank you for that...I read your original post and the whole thread...the back and forth between you and Gems is incredible and so rich...funnily enough, Gems was the one also to reach out to me here upon my arrival...I am starting to see the links between myself and these stores and people...I accept that I am a codependent person...right now I don't know what to do about that exactly but to let it soak in...read about it yes, but beyond that, not sure of what exactly step to take to deal with that...perhaps it's ok that I just let it soak in as my reality...and I will naturally find a way...I don't know.

as for my ex, I do know this...I may love her...I may be in total pain...but I do know  I HAVE to excise her from my life and for good...not to be dramatic, but I need to not be with her even if that kills me...it won't I am sure...but even if...do you understand what I mean? I may have feelings, but I KNOW what is best for myself: to excise her from my world...no matter how terrible that feels...I need to override those feelings...those feelings will change into something else...but I need to do this...I don't want to "survive" with her...

[brighter future]

Cash,

Have you put any though into removing her from your social media? I kept my ex on my social media for about a month after the break up. She started flaunting her dates and stuff with the new guy about 2 1/2 weeks after our split on her social media. That was incredibly painful for me to look at, and I know it must be for you as well.

My therapist advised me to do this and said that me watching these things on social media was destroying me. So I deleted my ex few days later. Maybe a week after that, I deleted all of our pictures together as well. It’s kind of interesting because a mutual friend told me a short while ago that all of my photos with her and also the ones of our kids together on vacations are still up on her page. I have no idea why she leaves those there. I kept a couple of photos of our kids together on our vacations but that’s it.

[cash05458]

HI Brighter, well...the only thing we both have that we would both be on is facebook...but no, I am not friends with her there and she has her page locked private for friends only...so I can't see...others were the ones who told me what is going on on her page...her big announcement  via her new love stuff...they didn't do that to hurt...it was more contacting me  about "hey, what the heck is going on...just saw this and thought you two were a solid couple and for so long...why is she announcing some new relationship and are you ok?" They assumed of course I knew that had been done...I didn't. If it weren't so painful finding that out that way, it would be almost funny to be told of your long term's new relationship a few hours after you heard from her and she didn't bother to mention and that whole making it official thing from facebook...it isn't funny of course...it's pathetic...but it just goes in my notebook of who this person really is or more fully is I guess...that sorta helps now to be honest...to get a more clear picture of WHO she really is...rather than my fantasy of who she was...

So it wasn't meant in harm I Know...but still, I asked them not to update me on anything from here on out or what might be on her page...

[crushedagain]

It certainly doesn't seem like it right now, but in some respects I think you're lucky in that you know exactly what she did. With my quiet BPDexgf, she was so secretive that I never knew what was really going on. I had suspicions that she was cheating on me but there was never any proof or any way TO prove it. She kept me away from her friends, most of who were long distance of course. She was new to my area when we met through online dating.

She went out of town a handful of times by herself during our 2 years living together, and it's then that I think she may have been visiting old flings. Again, no proof. That lead to some self doubt like "what if I'm imagining this?" But there were little hints along the way. I've never before had a gf who goes away and doesn't even keep in touch, where the whole "vacation" is a mystery. I mean, I knew where she went, and that she was visiting old friends, but on a day to day basis she never kept in touch or told me what she was doing. Major red flag. I mean, this woman was living with me.

She'd be on the computer next to me at times, and I'd notice her shutting browsers really quick and looking over to see if I was looking at what she was doing. She was typing so I could tell she was communicating with people. I am a trusting person who gives the benefit of the doubt, so I did not question her.

All of my suspicions seemed to finally be supported when, in an angry fit one day, she admitted that the first time she moved out in an angry huff, 10 months or so after she had been living with me, she went to stay with her ex bf. That was the end, for me (when she admitted it, not when she first moved out). She cried and swore up and down that she did not sleep with him, that he let her use the extra room. She even ran to her car to show me a sleeping pad she had in her trunk. I didn't believe her and still don't. She had lied to me, telling me she stayed with her old female roommate she was living with when we met. Anyway, she left for good within weeks of the admission. I didn't want to have sex with her anymore. I think we may have once or twice, but I lost the attraction. I just couldn't even get into it. I was repulsed.

Her admission had me putting things together in my mind. The first vacation she went out of town on her own, I had remembered there was an old guy friend there. Yep, bet she was screwing him. The next vacation, same thing. She has a handful of cities she's lived in across the US in a short period of time prior to living with me. I bet she's a booty call for a bunch of guys. She's cute, so that's easy for her. But again, NO PROOF. I'd rather have known and have been able to 86 her, than have to wonder the entire time, and even now.

Sorry for the long-winded reply, but there's something to be said for knowing where things stand. I know I'd prefer it. Had I had solid evidence, it would have made it easier for me to cut the cord rather than have those doubts "maybe this is all in my head, and she isn't doing this."

[cash05458]

Crushed...thanks for that...yes, you are right...at least I know...I think the abuse they play around is always spining around the axis TRUST...we are trusting folk...no reason in a good thing to think otherwise...trust is a good and healthy thing...and then they use that trust and good nature as a weapon...that is what I am seeing now via mine...and I think this will resonate with most here: she totally didn't trust me tho I am a loyal person...never cheat...would never actually no matter how bad ( I would leave first)...constant accusations towards me...over nothing at all...I won't even go into it...but ...well, you know I think...

[crushedagain]

she totally didn't trust me tho I am a loyal person...never cheat...would never actually no matter how bad ( I would leave first)...constant accusations towards me...over nothing at all...I won't even go into it...but ...well, you know I think...

Yep, that's it in a nutshell. Mine was crazy jealous, too. Once there was a knock on the screen door during the summer, and it was a woman's voice saying "hello?" My gf flew up and went to the door and I could hear the woman asking for directions to somebody's house. She was on the wrong street. My gf said something to the effect of "get out of here and don't come back." It was extremely rude, uncalled for, and quite frankly embarrassing. I had arrived at the door and saw that the woman was young and attractive.

The woman of course hurried away as quick as possible, and I asked my gf "what in the world was that all about?" She immediately burst into tears and started asking who she was. I told her it was some random woman asking for directions. She was thinking it was somebody I knew from before her. I told her that was absolutely not the case, and that she can't be treating people like that at my house. It was nuts. She had a major meltdown over that.

[cash05458]

Crushed...I left facebook a few years ago b/c any female I spoke to...and it was always very straight, no lines crossed...but nice to talk to a woman and we discuss things about life in a normal way...and she would go crazy...accusing me of everything...I would leave my messenger open and say read what we spoke about...it's fine...please read...she wouldnt tho..." I don't want to hear what that b+itch has to say"

it got so bad I just killed the facebook page to solve the problem of her jealousy...it was not worth lisening to her stuff about me talking to anyone she could not control...and then she stays on fb...and meets her new love there...you almost have to laugh my friend...some of this stuff is so ridiculous...

[crushedagain]

The sooner you can laugh about it, the better. I know how painful it is at this time for you. Believe me. I was a wreck with extreme anxiety and couldn't sleep. I was having night terrors. It honestly may have taken a year off my life. It was that bad. The whole thing was a mind ****.

But you will get through it. I am living proof. I loved mine with all my heart, but I can honestly now say with certainty that I'd never let her back in. In fact, I'm not attracted to her anymore because of who she turned out to be and what she did to me.

[cash05458]

crushed...that is where I am...I will not take her back..she doesn't want via new lover...whatever...but she aint returning to my life...I love her, but at same time do not LIKE her anymore...if that makes sense...I have seen the other side now...she has her qualities...sure...but seeing this side as well...and that is the real her along with the good things...I am not interested via the whole picture...this sounds horrible, but I suddenly have started to realize how annoying she can be via every damn thing being about her...I dont need that...I never saw that before via constant dealing with crap...that and she isn't so bright or intelligent...I don't need smarts, but this is a really dim light ...strange that I can see that now...pull away the daily soap opera and you see how bad it was once out...and as a dumb male will say this as well..she wasn't a looker as they say...and yet I was mesmerized...

[AnuDay]

I accept that I am a codependent person...right now I don't know what to do about that exactly but to let it soak in...read about it yes, but beyond that, not sure of what exactly step to take to deal with that...perhaps it's ok that I just let it soak in as my reality...and I will naturally find a way...I don't know.

as for my ex, I do know this...I may love her...I may be in total pain...but I do know  I HAVE to excise her from my life and for good...not to be dramatic, but I need to not be with her even if that kills me...it won't I am sure...but even if...do you understand what I mean? I may have feelings, but I KNOW what is best for myself: to excise her from my world...no matter how terrible that feels...I need to override those feelings...those feelings will change into something else...but I need to do this...I don't want to "survive" with her...

Change within causes change without.  Dig deep inside yourself.  Look at your FOO.  Determine what it was inside of you that caused you to fall for this woman.  What was it that caused you to mistake the intense angry outbursts and obsessive compulsive control for love.  What was it that caused you to put on your Super Hero cape and go out and try to save this damsel in distress? Was it a super irrational mother or mother figure that you had growing up?  Was it the fact that you had to become a caretaker of an alcoholic father early in life?  These are the things that you will have to figure out.  You didn't become codependent in one week, one day, or one year.  It took a multitude of years and it will take a multitude of years to reverse the damage that has been done.  Every year it gets easier, but this is a long battle.  This forum will be a great resource for you.  Try "Tools ---> Setting Boundaries"  or "Tools ---> Book Reviews".  There's just so much information and stories on this site.  It's an invaluable resource in the healing journey.  Good luck

[cash05458]

AnuDay...the strange thing is I do know where this comes from...did 8 years of psychoanalysis...intense stuff...this was back in europe while doing my Phd...I know where it is from...my Mother and wont go into all that here...I knew my whole backstory and understood like a giant spider web...touch here, watch the reverberations way over there...and still, when I met this one...thought it was different...it wasn't...it was worse, much worse...

[brighter future]

Cash,

Sorry I had that mixed up about your social media situation. I had my ex on FB and Instagram. I removed her from both 5 or so weeks after the breakup, which helped my anxiety quite a bit. That way I didn't have to look at the dates, etc. she was planning with her rebound guy. I feel like a lot of that nonsense was posted for my benefit.

For a while, I had a family member of hers and also mutual friend of ours that would tell me what she was up to from time to time. I know that is triangulation, which is not healthy in the long run. At that time, the breakup was still fresh, and I was still sort of downplaying the mental health issues to a degree with my ex. Hearing the absurd, unhealthy nonsense about what she was up to from those people gave me a good dose of reality of how unhealthy she really is. It really gave me a wakeup call, which told me there is no way in hell I needed to go back to that.

A while back here in your discussion, we were talking about comorbidity. I forgot to mention that my ex-g/f is also ADHD (untreated), so that makes her even more impulsive in her behavior. Her father and her brother are also ADHD.  As I said in an  earlier post, my ex-wife is BPD, has eating disorders, and is also very narcissistic. My ex-wife didn't mess with multiple men and use sex to self-soothe like my ex-g/f did. She self-soothed with spending sprees and self-destructs with eating disorders (ex-g/f used to binge drink years ago to try and forget the pain in her life). I didn't know that eating disorders were considered an addiction until I attended a family therapy weekend with my ex-wife at the inpatient hospital she was staying at prior to our divorce. My child shared with me last week that my ex-wife was taken in an ambulance recently for throwing up blood. This was right before she went away to an inpatient hospital 2.5 months ago. Most likely this is a side affect from her many years of purging. I don't think she will ever be well or any treatment program will help her at this point.

[cash05458]

Brighter...no worries at all via social media thing...your story sounds terrible my friend and I am so sorry...I really am...none of us should be going thru these things...but the fact is we are...

I don't know quite why, but I am having the toughest of day here...I won't be taking her back even if offered...and that offer isnt even there...but feel so weak and vulnerable...found myself writing a long email to her to ask her to think carefully as to what she is doing  and that we have so much to lose if she is wrong...thankfully I caught myself and deleted it...did not send...I guess I se that I am going to have these days and simply try to override and tell myself it is a mood...and to not act...

[AnuDay]

Brighter...no worries at all via social media thing...your story sounds terrible my friend and I am so sorry...I really am...none of us should be going thru these things...but the fact is we are...

I don't know quite why, but I am having the toughest of day here...I won't be taking her back even if offered...and that offer isnt even there...but feel so weak and vulnerable...found myself writing a long email to her to ask her to think carefully as to what she is doing  and that we have so much to lose if she is wrong...thankfully I caught myself and deleted it...did not send...I guess I se that I am going to have these days and simply try to override and tell myself it is a mood...and to not act...

This is a very good exercise.  Typing and deleting.  Preparing to send emails and never hitting "Send".  Your brain does not know the difference between emails that were sent and weren't sent.  Write letters and throw them away or delete them.  This is all part of the healing. 

[cash05458]

thank you AnuDay...yes, it helped to write everything out...everything going thru head and emotions...it was very long...really asking her to think this thru and if she is  wrong, ruin both of our lives...etc etc...still trying to save her and most of all self I guess

so over dramatic really...

at end...left there for a while...then realized I did not want to send as afraid of any repercussions from her or a response... but mostly self as I thought, now you really aren't even on own side...and I want to be on my own side...feel the need to override those emotions when it comes to the "loss"...I need to do that before I act...there has to be some point to this suffering...

[brighter future]

Cash,

Typing an email or writing a letter to her (and not sending) is a good form of therapy. Good for you.  I did that about 2 months after the split with my ex-g/f. My therapist suggested that I draft an email then asked me to save it in the drafts folder in my email account. She also asked that I print out a copy of what I drafted so we could go over it together in one of our sessions.

In the two months following me drafting the letter, I had a strong desire to mail it to my ex. Today I have no desire whatsoever to send it to her. Simply putting all of those thoughts down on paper without sending it to to my ex is now good enough for me. The letter still sits in my drafts folder, while the hard copy is in the folder at my therapist's office. My therapist said what I decided to ultimately do with the letter was up to me (I believe her recommendation was to not send it). I'm thinking at some point, I may ask her for the hard copy back so I can burn it outside here at home. The electronic copy can be deleted with the click of a mouse.

[cash05458]

Brighter...yes...I agree...something inside me today no matter how bad today was...said Don't send...

Gems mentioned to me earlier about my not letting her return here if she had this ongoing thing with facebook man and wanted to continue it here in our house...I said you cannot do that...and that showed I had some defense left...I would like to think so...I am trying to keep it together for self...exercising, not drinking...so I am hoping I have more things to my side and healing than I am aware of at the moment...I hope so...it is coming up on a month now this week...this has been the most intense month of my life...

[AnuDay]

Every day you go with no contact you are building emotional muscle.  This is not an easy process.  My ex called me to come back a month or two later and I came back (there were kids involved).  I was treated pretty poorly, but I had built enough emotional muscle to deal with it.  I actually thought I could still rescue her from her new bf.  The last straw for me was when I actually saw her and her new bf together.  I absolutely knew I couldn't keep coming back and being the man on the side.  I at least had a chance to build up that much dignity for myself in the month or so of "No Contact".
I have written a few letters and texts myself and deleted them.  I am also guilty of sending some of those emails.  The responses that I got back when my ex realized how emotionally beaten I was were brutal.  That taught me to never ever send another email or letter.  It was hard for me because she was pretty beautiful.  I learned that the insides did not match the outside.  Us men are so easily confused by beauty.  We equate it with so many great internal qualities that oftentimes are not there.  Take it one day at a time.  When you hit your one month mark of no contact congratulate yourself and treat yourself.     

[cash05458]

thank you for the thoughts AnuDay...I will take these aboard..altho I am NC with her...I still get I would guess an email a day...I don't respond or try not to...her's consist of "I hope you are going to be ok and get thru this...I want to see you happy" type...the few times I did respond I was sorry I did...as then I would get another back saying"just want to be honest, but he is the most special man I have ever met in my life and we are planning this and this when I go to live with him in England etc" type...stuff so weirdly specific...like " there is a great spice store near his house...I can't wait to buy in small quantities for freshness with him...we can talk about these things for hours on phone"...it's very bizarre...and which I just dont want to hear...

[cash05458]

I have found the email writing stuff, then not sending to be pretty helpful...I can express things vi ahow I see or they affected me...take time and look over them...even express anger...and also notice myself giving advice to her, pointing out what she is doing and the parallels with our beginnings (the love bombing..in the facebook posts of hers I did see that the neighbor showed me...I saw a whole world she was contructing in public...the two of them even picking out their fave little cosy cafe in the town sh ehas never been to, discussing the funny man in the spice shop she will be going to and how they shall walk hand in hand everyday to the shop and only pick up small quantities so the spices are always fresh for that evenings meal she will prepare for him...it's all very bizarre...I mean they have never met and began talking a month ago now...) trying to point out how she is bringing baggage into her new thing, taht she needs to look back over us and heal and learn...

In other words, I quickly found myself trying to play her therapist yet again...to steer her towards "feeling ok" or even back to me...that gave me some insight into just how 'Natural " this has become to me...so yes, the letters have helped, both in the anger, hurt...and then the insights into my own  drives...it's fine to say all those things to myself, but there is no reason to express them to her...that working things out here for myself will not, and shall not be done, thru her or being understood by her or any of that...I don't want to turn to her to be the understanding one about my pain...she can't help me and I can't help her...it's just me...and yeah, it felt good to deal with those things and simply hit, delete...

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Cash-

This pain is so fresh for you.  Allow yourself those bad days, but as Anuday says... you ARE building emotional muscle with each day of NC.  Allow that, too.

I began to write pretty early in my relationship with the exBPD/NPD BF (just realized I’m nearly 11 months OUT!).  I was so confused by his behavior.  He had broken up with me numerous times, then begged forgiveness and slinked back in.  I was a little slow on the uptake.  For 6.5 years. 

I’d even write in my “journal”, which was the Notes thing on my iPad when he was asleep in the bedroom.  The really good things about having all of that now is that there was NEVER a danger of sending those things in error, or on impulse; and I can REALLY see where *I* was / where I am.

The one and only time I ever sent an email to him after one breakup, he told me he “showed it to everyone”.  And I thought... “oh my GOD!  I would have NEVER shown that to ANYONE!  He clearly did not understand a word of it!”  That was the day I realized he wasn’t very bright.  Or he was lying as usual.  Ironically the last line in that email was... “and you, my former love will understand none of this”.

Cash -  when someone hurts you this deeply, they’ve absolutely no interest in hearing news about it.  At all.  That my friend is the sad, hard truth.

I really don’t get her daily self-serving emails to you.  That’s pretty cruel and disgusting to my way of thinking.  Is there any way you can report her email address as SPAM and stop that altogether?  That’s truly getting to the point of harassment.  I’m sorry...

I recall she may have left a pet or two in your home, but she clearly doesn’t care about that either.  In some areas, abandoned pets legally become the keepers’.  I experienced that situation with two Dalmatian puppies i found in California.

I guess I’m kind of pissy today?  Oops!

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

[cash05458]

Gems, a note from you is warmly welcome. Thank you...no worries about being "pissy"...

Yes, I think you are right, she doesn't want to hear about this...nor do I want to communicate it to her...I am sure this is common from what I have read here but in her mind she has warped every single thing about our past relationship into a monstrosity...all my fault of course...I know she needs to do that to justify her new thing and actions. She mentioned to a a few co friends about hers and my 6 years together was "entirely loveless"...they mentioned to me as they had been around us and found her statement just utter bulls++t...

And although I should not have read, in a strange way, seeing her facebook posts helped me...like, wow...ok, this is so far beyond having anything much to do with me or my control...this person is so deep into fantasy...it would be one thing to say "moving to england"...its another to be chatting publicly about how she can't wait to become friends and can already imagine that with crazy eddy the retired  coalminer who sits on the town square stoop with his one eyed dog named Major and she is dressed in a gingham dress carrying a wicker basket of freshly cut flowers, hoping it doesnt rain...it is bizzaro land stuff...they are game playing this out hardcore...he as well...but in an odd way, as I said, it helps...like, whew, this is so outta my reach...

Yes, she did leave pets here...she is huge into cats...I had two when she came...she arrived with her own two, then took in 3 others...she took one...I have been left with six...she always talked about how they were our "family"...ok, well she left me with six and I asked her via email to please think about us doing something about the cats...she needs to take her original still here and please one other...I can handle 4...there is no hurry on this and I am taking good care...to which she said "I dont think I will be able to take any cats to england...so just drop them at off at a shelter ok?..."

really? family? cat lover? just incredible...set the house on fire with me in it and all the "family"...and you got yours and adios...it's insane and incredible...

I have her blocked btw on email...but it's gmail...so it just goes into another folder...but it's hard not to read to be honest but I can control it a bit more...

[Gemsforeyes]

Jeeez, Cash.  From the sounds of it she seems to be playing this thing out on her public screen larger than most teeny boppers would.  Pretty astounding for a 60-year old... for a 16-year old...  I believe you said she has adult kids?  They must be beside themselves.

But it just CANNOT be your worry.  Not what happens if and when it crashes and she desperately needs a place to land.  I’m convinced she will.  She’s going to likely need “saving, RESCUING”.  Big time.  Much much sooner than you may think.  She is building this fantasy of comfy dresses and fresh flowers and idle fascinating interaction with local characters... but reality?  I don’t believe that will match her daydreaming in the light of day.

And the FBfella will be BLAMED for that while she’s there.  And then YOU will be blamed for MAKING her leave...not letting her come home.  Prepare yourself for the proverbial s*&t to hit the international fan.  Or perhaps I’m wrong... and she’ll just adore the London fog and spring will come early when she arrives.  And she’ll be relaxed when she sees him surfing FB and it’s not HER he’s looking at...

And having to whisper after 8PM so as not to awaken the elder ladies.  And making cream of wheat... you get the picture.  I’m sure she’s willing to sacrifice a LOT to care for others.  Isn’t that her pattern?  Ha.

Please, my friend... for your own future and wellbeing, let’s work on your “rescuing” tendencies asap.  I have them, too.  I’ve stepped way back from this lifelong dilemma.  I think I told you I’m 63.  My mother’s “pet name” for me used to be “the happy idiot”.  How ‘bout that?  I always went down with a smile and a laugh.  I’m actually laughing at myself now!  My mother is the polar opposite of me... does nothing for no ONE (grammar, I know).  But with the pandemic, she calls me her “lifeline”.  I am my dad’s girl... in every way.

So in your heart of hearts, Cash.  Where are you today?  In all of your honesty, where do you think you are?  I know we can say “I NEED to stand my ground, say NO, be firm”... but then there’s that voice, that ache... we’ve got to work on silencing that “voice”.  Healing the ache takes longer.

Sorry so long and rambling.  I think I’m actually kind of angry at someone.  Looks like it’s coming out here.  Sorry.

And I’m glad to know your co-friends see through her BS talk about your relationship.  That’s all on her.  Always will be.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

[cash05458]

Gems, thank you for that...it made me chuckle here as well...

Well, I don't plan to be there to rescue...I know that is easy to say...but I don't...I will admit there is still that "voice" inside...I certainly have not eradicated it...I can't lie to myself...but it is much more silent than it was ten days ago or so...maybe not more silent, but not as loud...and I think I am putting together a more real picture of who this person was/is...now with time and her not here...I may still be "in love " with her is some ways...but I don't "LIKE" the person I am now seeing and realizing who she actually is...does that make sense?

I will give an example of things that come thru even without my thinking hard about stuff...for instance, today realized that in this now month she left...in all her emails, the few calls we have had...not ONCE has she even asked a single time how her "family" here is...the 6 cats and dog she adored and continually talked about while we shared our house...not a single time. I know that seems like a small thing...but it says something...let alone all the horrible actions she has actually undertaken...I am really starting to see who she actually is...this wasnt just a screw up or mistake on her part...it is who she actually is...and again, I don't even like that person. I am going keep working on killing that "voice" you speak of...and her facebook childish antics are helping with that as well...I want that voice gone eventually...

I know for sure, even tho I am in pain, if she called up, said she had been wrong and could she drive up to see me to discuss...I know for sure I would say NO...I do know that...I realize I am still in  vulnerable state...but I would and could now say NOPE...but I realize that is still risky for me and that the voice is still in there...I want it out Gems...and I agree...the likelihood that she is going to go down in flames in England is very high...she almost reminds me of an actress finishing one role, and moving on to the next...the series filming closed set here at our house, now it's on to her next series, "Cosy in Cornwall"...

One good satisfaction I had today was grabbing a big garbage bag and collecting her remaining shoes...must have been 20 pairs...also a few days ago, had cleaned out the tea shelf...I like tea...just normal earl grey ...found 40 or so of her teas...all totally, to me , undrinkable and for every ailment and anxiety under the sun and exotic and very self focused on her precious moods and feelings...but not one for me...and thought to myself about her accusations that everything in this house was set up for ME, not her...small things, but they give me more insight and straighten me...

Oh Gem's you asked about kids...she has one adult daughter, 23...frankly, from what I have heard and seen the daughter is totally supporting her in all of this...egging her on even...the daughter to be honest has many similar traits to her...not very stable herself...I believe she thinks this whole thing is funny actually... 

[B53]

Cash,
With each week that goes by, I see you getting stronger. The people on this site are awesome and your willingness to be so open and real, have helped others that may be going through similar circumstances and aren’t ready to voice their pain. It is nice to see you lay the blame where it belongs. It’s hard to imagine that someone could be that cruel.
B53